There are infinite amount of ways to ask someone out, because there are infinite amount of situations that it can come up in. “You like bread. I like bread. Want to go get bread?” “You wanna hang out tonight?” “Want to study for our organic chemistry final?” “How do you feel about jell-o shots and tequila chasers?” From the vague to the specific to the borderline soliciting, guys have all kinds of ways to ask the same question. And for as many ways that there are to ask, there are as many ways to reject. You could probably write it as an equation: X number of attempts = X number of rejections which can be rewritten as X attempts to procreate = X number of ways to get kicked in the nut sack. But there’s the gentle tapping to the balls and then there’s aiming the wide steel toe to a 45 degree angle that’ll catch the General AND the two Colonels. Depending on how you say, “No,” you’ll open any one of a lot of doors to a response.

You can be gentle or you can be bitchy, vague and nonspecific or cruel, there are extremes either way. So what’s the best way? Depends on how well you know him. If he’s a friend or just a guy in a bar who seems decent enough, you don’t have to go from 1 to 10, where 10 is the equivalent of making him a eunuch and 1 is giving a mixed signal. Just remember: he’s putting himself out there.

Talk all about an equal rights amendment, but for all the strides we’ve made in gender equality, men are STILL expected to ask first. It’s just the way it is. Which means we’re still expected to offer ourselves up for either reward or punishment. No matter how casual a guy comes off, the situation is a built in power imbalance: You’ve got it, and you can wield it. With great power comes great responsibility.

Believe it or not, for most guys, you can just say, “No, thanks.” Or take it to a slightly higher decibel with “Not interested, sorry.” Polite and courteous of the fact he’s an actual person with actual feelings. Shaking your head and walking away could work if you’re in a group, but it borders on ignoring the whole thing happened, which might be construed as minimizing the fact he’s making an effort. Which is pretty rude. But still, reasonable.

Don’t pretend you didn’t hear him. Sure, he could chicken out asking a second time, but if he DOES, the rejection has 4x the impact.

Don’t just walk away like he doesn’t exist. Would you like it if a guy did that to you?

And really, that’s what it all comes down to: The Golden Rule. Almost ALL freaking social interactions come down to it. Put yourself in his shoes and go from there.

Ways to NOT turn someone down:
Throwing a drink in his face…unless he deserves it
Laughing at him…unless he deserves it
LITERALLY kicking him in the balls…unless he deserves it

There are times that warrant a brutal rejection. They usual involve a guy who’s acting like a douche and won’t take the first hint. He cops a feel. He literally thinks “no” just means “maybe.” He feels entitled to a “yes.” And those are guys that you also have to be a little weary around, because they don’t generally respond to, like, subtlety. Such a concept doesn’t compute in their pea brains.

Ways to turn someone down:
Do acknowledge he asked
Do be honest without embellishment
Do be direct
Do be courteous (it only takes a second to be polite)
Do consider when you’ve been in his situation

And that’s as easy as it gets. A fake number isn’t necessary. Belittling his manhood could be going too far. A verbal castration could be construed as a bit extreme. Physical injury isn’t generally necessary. But then again, there are times and places…

It’s elementary,

The Dude

[Lead image via Rehan Qureshi / Shutterstock]

Look, we’ve all had some bad break ups. We’ve all had our hearts battered and scarred. Or at least most of us. Some of you have always been the dumper and not the dumped. Consider yourselves lucky and potentially commitment phobic. Whether or not there’s actually a good way to break up with someone, there are definitely a lot of WRONG ways. Here are a dozen of them to mull over. Get your “I’m alone and no one will ever love me” playlists ready.

And…go:

1. Have your new boyfriend break up with him for you
This is about the lowest of the low. Well, maybe. I’m not one to believe in shooting the messenger, but this would be an instance where I might be applying for membership into the NRA.

2. Post-It note
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” He’ll hate you.

3. Telling his mom first
Look, if you’re going to break up with someone then have the decency to break up with THEM. Yeah, confrontation, not everyone’s favorite thing in the world. Like parfait. Still, to go through the back channels — be it his mother, sister, or best friend — it just twists the knife that much deeper. Seriously.

4. After sex
He’s naked. He’s sleepy. He’s basking. It’s so unfair…Do we still get a round of break-up sex? Or would that count?

5. On his birthday or any other special occasion
How old are you now? SINGLE! And even if a funeral may feel like the appropriate place, for some reason, don’t start the conversation with, “Speaking of things I want to bury and forget about…”

6. Giving him the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech
If you’re breaking up with us we know it’s not you. In the words of the great Costanza: “IT’D BETTER BE ME!”

7. Suggesting it’s only temporary
The “Not a break-up, break-up.” Phrases come to mind, “Let’s take some space,” “We’ll just try seeing other people,” “When I come back from the Sudan in 6 months we’ll see where we are.” You know, ways the dumper tries to soften the blow rather than what it is: a kick in the nuts. I’m all for sentiment and courtesy. So have the courtesy to not dangle false hope like a promotional copy of Harry Potter Book 8 (it’s a hypothetical, not a rumor-RELAX fan girls!).

8. Drunk dialing
I will also add via text, or voice mail in general. If you’re going to do it then do it. Face to face unless you’re in different parts of the country, but even then there’s f*cking Skype. If you needed one more reason to not have access to your phone while drunk, this is it. It’s a cop out. Alcohol’s not an excuse to demean and make things easier on yourself. You’re the dumper, things will immediately be easier when it’s over because you’ll have dumped us. So suck it up and make an effort to do it right.

9. Via Facebook or any other social media
Similar to the drunk dial/text/voice message except it’s PUBLIC! Changing your relationship status and having 50 of his friends comment on his wall asking what happened before he even saw it is humiliating. Just say no.

10. Arranging to have him see you with another guy
This really falls under the general category of: “Provoking him to break up with me, that way I don’t have to be the bad guy.” I know people who’ve done this kind of crap. They cook something up that pushes their partner to do the deed for them. It’s a coward’s way out. You’re better than that!

11. Setting him up to cheat
Here’s the flipside to the coin. Some people want to break up but feel like they need some kind of an excuse. I’m not saying that trying to set him up to see if he flirts or cheats on you is the most common way it’s done. I’m just using it as one example from a plethora. Again, we’re in some psycho-babble, self-validation, and neurotic territory. Now, instead of saving a guilt trip to be the sympathetic one out the break-up, you’re setting yourself up to be the hero of the tale. I don’t think either’s worse than the other. Disagree?

12. Not bothering to ACTUALLY break up with him
The avoidance break-up. Sometimes I wonder why people choose this path, amidst the 11 others we’ve looked at and the hundreds more to select from. You can’t pretend it never happened. And you can’t pretend when (if) you reconnect in a few years that you never broke up. So, what’s the point of this? Why the silent treatment? To be purposefully hurt by someone still proves that that someone has strong feelings. To be ignored is to be…

Alright, there they are. 12 ways you shouldn’t break up with someone. Disagree? Are any of these perfectly acceptable? Did I miss some juicy ones? What’s the worst way you’ve ever dumped him or vice versa? I’m a firm believer that if we can share then we’ll better learn how to care. And if we really put some care into the ending, just maybe, a break up will bring both people what it’s really meant to: closure.

“And that’s the way it was,”

The Dude

My boyfriend and I had our first fight the other day and it was harsh. I’m not any good at fighting; the second I sense confrontation I shrivel up inside. But what made this fight SO hard was the fact that it was done long-distance.

LDR’s have their pros and cons, but fighting is a definite con. Why is fighting so much harder in long-distance relationships, and how can we make it easier?

You Can’t See Each Other

A good percent of communication is nonverbal. Body language and facial expressions are essential to understanding another person’s intent. When you fight over the phone, as in an LDR, you lose these important aspects and things can come out much harsher (or nicer) than you intend. To help remedy this problem, speak clearly and honestly to make sure you both truly understand where the other is coming from.

The Silent Treatment Is So Much Easier

All you have to do is hang up the phone, or refuse to answer in the first place. It’s a tempting thought when you’re really upset, but you’ll never resolve the issue without communicating. The best advice I can give you is don’t hang up! It’ll just upset you both more (your partner will be upset you hung up and you’ll be upset if they don’t try calling back). Talk through the issue and refuse to cut off communication until some agreement has been made, even if its just that you’ll talk it out more later. Read More »