By college, we’ve learned that sometimes the one that we want doesn’t always want us. And at that point it doesn’t matter that you would’ve loved him for the rest of his life, or that he promised you he’d never hurt you. Because the only thing that matters when your heart begins to crack again for the first time in a long time is you.

Lesson #51: Make Yourself Your Priority

We’ve all heard the advice from our best girlfriends in times of heartbreak—“Don’t waste tears on a guy who walked away from you when they were falling down your face,” “Don’t lose sleep over a guy who isn’t losing sleep over you,” and my personal favorite, “You were so much hotter than him anyways!” Whether any of it’s true or not isn’t the point, what matters is what you turn the situation into.

Rest assured you are not stupid, you are not a masochist, and you are not an emotional/psychological cutter. You fell hard. And then you looked up from your fall and realized you were alone. That’s all. Don’t look into it and try to make it some kind of representation of your overall personality. Take this one situation to deal with and move on from. It’s hard enough getting over heartbreak without being bogged down by your entire dating history simply because you’re desperate to make some kind of psychological breakthrough about yourself that probably isn’t even true anyways. Give yourself a real chance because heartbreak is hard enough to get through without you being hard on yourself.

Some things are cliché for a reason; because they’re true. Even though it sounds cliché, your friends’ advice is more than them being polite. A guy who could watch you hurt, and walk away is no guy to continue hurting yourself for. Just like a guy who cant be bothered to call you back isn’t worth your time, it goes without saying that a guy you were bending over backwards for is never going to budge.

Now more than ever, I’m realizing that there are just going to be certain guys who will never remember your birthday, or your only sibling’s name, or that last Friday night was supposed to be “date night,” and not “sit around and watch him and his friends make Chuck Norris jokes” night. And for whatever reason, we convince ourselves, despite the obvious flaws, that there is more to this guy than all of the blatant indicators proving us so very wrong.

The good news is that there is always room for a turning point, but only if you allow yourself to get there. And the only way that’s ever going to happen, is if you reclaim your life, and make yourself the priority of it again. Remind yourself that it doesn’t matter that he said he never wanted to hurt you because the remnants of the relationship show that he did hurt you and, even worse, he didn’t stick around to make it better. So now, it’s on you to make it better on your own.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 50 rules of the Single Girl Society.

So Glamour magazine tells you you’re supposed to wear sexy underwear even if you’re staying in for the night, and your mother says you’re supposed to keep an open mind — even if that means going on a blind date with a family friend who you’re pretty sure used to get high on cleaning products — and people keep telling you you’re the crazy one?

Lesson #48 – You’re not crazy, you’re just single.

As single girls, every now and then someone is bound to call you crazy. Sometimes it’s warranted, like when you’re screaming at your ex outside a bar only to realize it’s just a guy who looks like your ex from far away (and with drunk goggles on), and sometimes it’s not-so-warranted, like when you pass on the party everyone’s been talking about simply because you don’t feel like putting on makeup. I mean, there is, after all, a difference between crazy and lazy. Needless to say, at some point in our single lives, we’re going to feel like we’ve not only lost control, but are spinning further and further away from reality.

There are already enough stigmas that come with being single. Whether it’s the cat-lady cliché, or the neurotic perfectionist with unreasonable expectations, it seems that crazy always finds its way into the connotations of being single. So let me just take the time to say it right now: You are not crazy, you’re just single.

How is it that if a guy loves being single he’s considered mysterious or a free spirit, but if a girl loves the single life, she’s got to be crazy? In there is anything pop culture has taught us, it’s that there is no norm for crazy anymore. From 72-day marriages, to breakup albums that avenge those who broke your heart, who knows what normal is anymore?

While you may not have the luxury of not caring what anyone says about you, you are single after all. Be who you are, even if no one else gets it. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or anyone else, your happiness should be your primary concern. If dancing around your apartment to Jessie J in your over-sized sweatpants is your idea of a big night, then ignore the girls who are calling you crazy because you don’t want to be felt up by frat guys who mix booze with self-importance instead.

We’re all a little crazy, but don’t allow people to make you feel that way just because you aren’t living a life that’s identical to theirs.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 47 rules of the Single Girl Society

Regardless of your relationship status, there will be situations and the people that stir them up, who at any point in time, will have you questioning what’s really important in life. It just so happens, though, that probability of that sort of drama infiltrating your life spikes when you’re single. There are some people who take the dating game a little too seriously, who extract meanings from things everybody else thinks are harmless, and more often than not, those people are looking for someone to blame. Luckily, the Single Girl Society has you covered with a general rule of thumb on how to deal with people who don’t always have your best interest in heart, or for that matter, don’t even really have a heart.

Lesson #47: When it comes to people: If they’re toxic, cut them out, and if they’re people you wish you could be more like, hold them tight.

There really only are two kinds of people in our lives: life ruiners — those that make you wonder how you’ll get by; and life savers — those who you wouldn’t be able to get through the hardship without.

There’s always going to be a girl, who took Mean Girls a little too seriously, who wants to take you down, simply because she’s got a fetish for vendettas. Despite what women’s magazines and our mothers have been telling us, girl-on-girl hate is not always about jealousy. Sometimes the drama stems from the fact that the Blair Waldorfs of the world get high on scheming an ultimate take-down. Take it from me, there is no reasoning when it comes to these girls. Cut them out of your life, and never look back, because even if you do reconcile your differences, you never know when she’ll strike back out of boredom.

When it comes to guys, it’s important to remember that dating is a hit or miss situation. Some guys are going to try to pick you up only to see how far they can throw you, and you’ll spend the majority of your time together feeling like you’re never enough. Chances are that guy isn’t committing to you anytime soon, so why should you commit your time to him? Leave him behind sooner rather than later, because you’ll have the opportunity to devote the energy to someone else instead, yourself.

Good friends are not hard to come by, but they are easy to lose if you’re too busy getting caught up in the drama that doesn’t include them. Give those people (and yourself) the respect they deserve, and don’t ever let them forget how much they mean to you.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 46 rules of the Single Girl Society

I try not to draw inspiration for these columns from movies, as they are not reality, but sometimes a movie comes along and gets me thinking. Last night, I dug up an old favorite, Some Kind of Wonderful, and settled into my couch. As I re-watched the classic, I found myself disgruntled with a particular quote despite having seen it several times before.

The infamous Amanda Jones so famously said, “I’d rather be with someone else for the wrong reasons than alone for the right.”

Lesson #39 – So you’re alone, so what?

Of course, ironically Amanda Jones ends up alone but I think that we’re fooling ourselves if we don’t believe there are girls in the world who don’t subscribe to the belief that anything is better than being alone. When did being single become a stepping stone between boyfriends? When did we all lose ourselves in the dating rat race and forget that we can stand alone as individuals?

I think often times in the dating world we reach a point where we question whether to settle and learn to love the one you’re with or hold out for a better fit. Sometimes loneliness and the yearning for a companion takes over, settling for someone who you know isn’t really what you’re looking for. So you convince yourselves that he’s good to you, which is good enough and you settle into the routine you’ve been craving. When did “he treats me well” become the standard for a relationship? I understand that guys can be jerks but is it really such a rare thing to be treated well by a man, that now it’s the only reason to date him? Sure it’s nice to be around people who are good to you, but if your heart isn’t in it, or if you have to force your heart to be into it, he’s better off as a friend.

Being alone is not as scary as Cathy comic strips and Lifetime movies claim. In fact, I’ve spent the majority of the weeks since I started writing this column, stating my case that being single is one of the most empowering lifestyles, especially while you’re still young. In short, being single is freedom at its best—freedom to go wherever, be whoever, do whatever, and feel whatever you want because at the end of the day, the most important person in your life is you.

Girls sometimes forget that you can feel alone even if you’re in a relationship if you don’t get together for the right reasons. I’m single and sometimes I get lonely but I never feel alone, because at the end of the day, as cheesy as it may sound, I’ve got myself. It took years of being single to make me really figure out who I am, which I know will only make me a more stable person if and when I do decide to get involved with someone. So when my coupled friends ask me at parties if I’m dating anyone new, I say, “Yes, myself, and it looks like I’ve done quite well for myself.”

The best piece of advice I can offer girls bound to a lifeless relationship for fear of being alone is that heartbreak post-breakup is temporary, but the heartbreak you feel in a relationship with a person you know you don’t belong with lasts as long, if not longer, than the relationship. If you believe in love, then don’t waste your energy in a relationship you don’t truly believe in, simply because you’re afraid you’ll feel worse if you’re alone.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 38 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson 36 – You don’t have to give up your peep-toes be a guy’s girl.

My first serious boyfriend lived in a house with four other guys, where pizza night was every night, Miller Light was considered the nectar of gods and the closest thing to window treatments were posters of Anna Kournikova. After two years of being the only girlfriend who stuck around, while my boyfriend’s four roommates’ brought by virtually every Ashley, Chelsea and Lindsey within county lines, I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally asked my boyfriend to tell me what these poor girls were doing wrong or if his friends were just womanizing douchebags. He laughed and he said, “Mostly my friends are just jerks, but then again the girls who walk in and out of here don’t really make an effort to fit in, they sit here in their mini-skirts and high heels and laugh nervously and smile the whole time, you can tell they’re not comfortable.” Ever since then I haven’t been able to shake this whole concept of being a guy’s girl.

Let’s face it, guys have unreasonable expectations. At the club they want us in mini-skirts and heels, practically oozing sex, and at home, they want us in jeans and a tee, chugging Keystones with their guys and on top it, somehow managing to keep our figure, so we can fit in those mini-skirts come next weekend. But if we’re being honest, girls are just as guilty when it comes to wanting the best of both worlds. We want that bad boy who never actually treats us like dirt, the one who’ll irritate our father just enough and still look impeccable on paper.

With that said, you don’t have to change yourself to give your guy the best of both worlds. I’ll never be into action flicks or dunking chicken wings in caramel sauce but here are some things I’ve learned from a high school and college career of dating guys who are involved in serious bromances.

So you’re not into sports or the calorie-fests that revolve around them? Coming from someone who wholeheartedly believes the NBA playoffs can single-handedly ruin a girl’s sex life, I don’t blame you. So “the big game” is on (though you’re not actually sure what sport it’s for) and you want nothing to do with it but still want to show your man some love? Drop by his place during half-time with a case of his favorite brew and a pizza in tow. Keep it short—say hello, tell his friends to enjoy the rest of the game and whisper in your guy’s ear to call you when they leave. It shows that you’re so cool with his bro sessions that you’ll even encourage them to keep the party going and it gets you off the hook of watching the game with him. In my experience, this trick has an extremely high success rate, not just with scoring points with your guy, but also with his friends.

The next tip is elementary but goes a long way—keep the outfits easy going. I’m not telling you to change who you are. If you love harem pants and sky-high pumps, by all means, wear what makes you happy but keep in mind how your guy feels when you dress that way. One of my ex’s said it best, “When a girl shows up to a BBQ in a dress and heels, it makes me wonder if she has somewhere else to be afterward.” We’re thinking we just want to look our best, but the average guy is thinking, “high maintenance.” Whether you like the answer or not, it’s generally true. The average guy doesn’t understand that fashion is a statement, so make your style stand out in details, like a great necklace or trendy nail color. Coming from a girl who just left an internship working at a major fashion magazine, its imperative know your audience—Jeffrey Campbell boots and Bud Light don’t work together. Also, even if being around a crowd of guys makes you uncomfortable, you can at least dress for comfort. My go-to outfit? Jeans and a tee are a classic for a reason.

Next, don’t play it Stepford with a plastered smile on your face, laughing nervously at everything one of your guy’s friends’ say. You don’t need to stroke anyone’s ego. And since there’s bound to be a little locker room talk, don’t be afraid to get right in there, joke around and shoot it right back. Obviously you don’t need to go on a rampage and take it upon yourself to personally offend every guy in the room but if you’ve got something to say, say it. The only thing worse than stumbling over your words is not saying anything at all. With that said, don’t be afraid to leave your man’s side. Even if swinging the guy talk on your own isn’t the best experience, not only will you score points with your man and his friends for trying, you’ll have gained at least some insight to the male mind, if even only for a minute or two. Trust me, it’s worth it.

Above all, remember to keep it comfortable. Men respond well to comfort. Why do you think most of them talk to their mom at least three times a day? Be yourself, just play your strengths to what you know will be guy-friendly. And if all else fails, next Friday night, rock your new peep-toe pumps and your favorite fashion-forward frock and cheers to being who you are, whether the guys can take it or not, because there’s nothing more guy-friendly than a girl who isn’t afraid to be herself.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 35 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson #35 – Girl Talk can kill your dating life

Sometimes as a single girl in college it feels like your dating life is split in two halves—one spent actually dating guys and the other spent in coffee shops with your girlfriends talking about dating said guys. So if half of our dating world is actually spent dating, what exactly is the other half spent on? I’d say probably too many lattes and not enough sensible advice. I’m as guilty as the next girl. I say I don’t want to talk about something and sure enough 20 minutes later, my friends have pulled it out of me and now I’ve somehow connected something as minute as my guy not noticing my new slingbacks to his daddy issues that I’ve now taken the liberty of convincing myself he has, even though he clearly doesn’t. So girls analyze their love lives, what’s new, right?

What’s new is that now, with social media, we have the capability to literally spend the majority of our dating lives just talking about dating. Half is more than enough, but not only do social platforms like Facebook and Twitter give us a way to continue communicating, they provide us with an abundant amount of information to keep the conversation going. It used to be that if we thought our guy was cheating, we’d just picture them with a face-less blonde bimbo with Pamela Anderson’s body and the IQ of a goldfish. Now social media has armed us with not just a picture of the potential bimbo, but a list of interests (turns out the face-less bimbo with no soul actually likes all the same things as you!), enough photos to fully decipher exactly where she’s been every Friday night since 2008 (judging by the number of different guys she’s slung around in these photos, you’re probably not the first girlfriend to creep her), and a list of mutual friends. Social media has given girls more than a way to talk, it’s given them more to talk about. Social media has upped the ante on girl talk sessions at coffee shops and drunk brunches everywhere.

So what’s the problem, right? Since has it been a crime to be well-informed? The problem lies in girls, heated in conversation, stirring up problems and things to worry about simply because they read somebody’s Facebook status. If a girl puts up lyrics from a Death Cab song as a status, her and her relationship become the next topic up for discussion at the next weekly coffee girl date. It never crosses our mind that maybe that girl just really likes that song or that she thinks the lyrics are really meaningful even if they have nothing to with her life, but we automatically interpret it as her trying to tell the world something, preferably about her dating life. Because if it isn’t broke, let’s pick it apart and analyze it until it is.

I love my glasses of wine with my girlfriends as much as the next girl and I wholeheartedly agree that they are some of the best times of my life. However, too much of our time with our girls is spent discussing our boys. I think the only time it’s healthy to analyze your dating life is when you actually have a problem with your dating life. If you start to pick apart everything out of habit, you’ll never stop. We often forget that our time with our girlfriends should be spent getting away from dating dramas. Of course, we should seek advice and consoling, but only when we need it. So the next time you’re with your girlfriends, think about how much of your time spent with them is devoted to being determined to find something wrong with your relationship or dating life. The less time you spend talking about dating is the more of a chance you have to not create problems, like his apparent daddy issues or like how you’re absolutely certain that he’s cheating when you really know he’s not. In short, talk about the problems when they exist and don’t make them up if they don’t just to continue conversation.

Our girlfriends can be our best allies or our worst enemies—they can build you up and make you realize you’ve got it really good with your man or through over analyzing every little thing said, they can make you question everything about your relationship with him. What we often forget is that, for the most part our friends are supposed to be a respite from the dating world, not an extension to it.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 34 rules of the Single Girl Society

There’s always going to be that one girl in your group of friends who seems to take personal pride in your current single status. Regardless of whether she’s single or not, or even somewhere in between (aka dating some aspiring rapper who has a recurrent gig at the local BBQ joint with his not-so-talented beat-boxing cousin), it seems the night hasn’t ended until she’s gone out of her way to make you feel bad about your single life. Since a bitchy attitude has yet to hold up as a reasonable excuse for murder in court, just know there are plenty of other ways to deal with Miss I-Hate-My-Life-So-I’m-Going-To-Make-You-Hate-Yours-Too.

Lesson #34 – How To Deal With A Mean Girl, maturely and not-so-maturely.

First, you can follow your mom’s advice and brush her and her snide remarks off. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and she has given me some amazing life advice (examples include, “When it comes to coffee stains, dab, don’t rub” and my personal favorite, “It’s time you found some inner peace, dammit”) but let’s face it, there are just some days you don’t feel like being the bigger person. I respect the girls who can walk away from every snide comment, just like our mothers preached, because it really does takes more empowerment to walk away. But on days when you get sick of ignoring Miss Thang and her attitude, you can try some of these methods.

And since I already know there are going to be comments from girls that will claim I’m adding fuel to the fire when it comes to girl drama, here’s my disclaimer: While I’d agree that in order to banish girl-on-girl bashing we must treat each other with respect and that at the end of the day, we should act as a sisterhood. I’m not saying that fighting is always the answer because there are clearly times when you should simply walk away and ignore a mean girl but there are also times when when you need to stand up for yourself. You may not be able to change a mean girl, but there’s a possibility you can change the way she treats you. The key is not to consume your life with doing so. After all, you’re not on a campaign to ruin the girl, you’re just trying to stand up for yourself. With that said, I’ve provided two approaches, “immature” and “mature.” The choice is yours.

The “immature” methods:

Kill that chick…with kindness. Girls know the best responses are rarely ever verbal. A cleverly timed narrowing of the eyes, head tilt or even a yawn can cut deeper than all the curse words in the book. So bust out the least expected one of them all – a smile. You know when you get in a serious fight with a guy you’re dating and he smiles at you and it just enrages you even more? Same concept here. The reason a smile in the middle of fight words makes us so mad is because we feel like we’re not being taken seriously and the easiest way to undermine this girl is to show her that you don’t take her insults seriously even though she clearly does. By smiling her off, you’re basically showing her that her comments hold no merit. Miss Thang takes pride in the conviction she delivers with every jab she takes at you. Blow that conviction wide open with a smile and watch as she clears her throat, looks around and can’t find the right words to say.

Keeping with unassuming tactics, for every girl knows there’s one phrase that can throw even the rudest girl of her game. Just ask any Southern Belle, a “bless your heart,” is one of the quickest ways to shut a mean girl down. If you want to turbo-boost the effectiveness of the “bless your heart,” just remember a slight pout and a preceding “aw,” can work wonders. For those north of the Mason-Dixon line, it’s not hard to understand why “bless your heart” is the perfect insult. The phrase works because it assumes that the girl just doesn’t know any better, once again, keeping with the theme that you’re not taking her words seriously.

The “mature” method:

If you really want to catch this girl off guard, play it mature and have it out with her. Next time she makes a remark, without getting all Dr. Phil on her, simply ask her this question, “Why is that you always have to point out the fact that I’m single?” You’ll get to address the problem maturely and you’ll get the satisfaction of watching her scramble for the right words to say. The mean girl game runs on the assumption that no one will call them out on their behavior. Once you call her out, in a calm, mature way, half the work is done for you. She might try to play dumb or write her comments off as a joke, but hold your own without resorting to raising your voice and just say you’d appreciate it if she’d stop. If she doesn’t let up after that, you’ll know it’s time to finally walk away.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 33 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson #33: Quirky girls finish last.

There are certain girls who can make guys swoon with nothing more than look, a switch of the hips and maybe a cleverly timed wink. I will never be one of those girls. Unfortunately, I trip over things, lots of things, and on any given hectic morning, I’m likely to leave the house with mascara smeared on my nose. Maybe I’m not charming or adorable and I assure you that no one will ever refer to me as “the sweetest little thing they ever did lay eyes on,” but I have to admit, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Maybe I’m just too lazy to be that positive all the time or maybe my pessimism is practically inherent, but just because I’m not a “nice girl,” doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart of gold. And so maybe I’ve gotten into a tussle with one too many vending machines for stealing my dollar but it’s not like I’m kicking kittens. We can’t all be “the girl next door,” but niceness doesn’t have to be measured by how much you smile and politely laugh at jokes you don’t actually find funny.

It’s safe to say “prim and proper” will never be my thing. You’re more likely to catch me with a Jack and Coke than the standard girl favorite, a Cranberry Vodka, or rolling my eyes instead of batting my lashes, and in turn, you’re also more likely to catch me alone rather than draped over a man but that doesn’t mean that quirky girls don’t finish last.

Sure, the girls who claim to love babies, Lily Pulitzer, and daisies are usually the first to be adored by guys everywhere, but I know from experience that quirky (and clumsy) girls finish last too. Because eventually the nice girls, who might as well be dressed in pink ruffles, get boring and if there’s anything a guy doesn’t want, it’s something boring, predictable and monotonous.

You can go out of your way to walk on eggshells around the guy you like, careful not to offend him or come off as too aggressive or over the top but you run the risk of boring him, and most importantly, yourself. It’s too much work not to be yourself and you’ll kick yourself (and maybe a few vending machines) if you lose him because you pretended to be something you’re not. Yes, this means you’ll probably end up saying things you regret and that you’ll at some point probably have to tend to some damage control, but if you’re anything like me, it’s nothing you haven’t dealt with before. As a veteran when it comes to putting your foot in your mouth, I can assure you, it’s always possible to bounce back.

Guys say they want a “nice girl” until they realize they cant have a relationship with a wide-eyed precious little thing that always says “yes”. After all, nobody wants to date a Golden Retriever. Sure, guys dream of coming home to a gourmet meal and an impeccably dolled up girlfriend, but at some point it’s bound to get old. Just because the Stepford wife smiles, doesn’t mean she’s happy.

I don’t coo at strangers’ babies or stop to smell roses or wear pink but that doesn’t mean I’m not a nice person. As long as you’re not intentionally mean or rude, even if you’re not the girl next door, you can still be yourself and be in a relationship. If there’s anything that women like Elizabeth Bennett, Carrie Bradshaw, and Ally McBeal have taught us, it’s that well-behaved women rarely make history…or get laid. So go ahead, make a fool of yourself, roll your eyes at the girls lined up waiting to wait hand-and-foot on a guy and watch him make his way over to you instead, because, gasp, you actually aren’t afraid to have a personality.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 32rules of the Single Girl Society

So the first three months of your new romance have you got you sleeping over at his place every night, catching every meal together and bailing on girls’ night for a cuddlefest. While I hate to rain on your “young-and-in-love” parade, let me remind you that falling in love and gambling have a lot in common – it can be easy to lose it all but not so easy to get it all back.

Lesson 32: Don’t lose yourself in loving him.

When I listen to girls who’ve just met a great guy, it never seems as though loving that guy is enough for them. It’s as if they are trying to become him as they surround themselves with his friends, start living by his schedule, catering to his beliefs even if they go against everything they’d ever stood for in the past. What they fail to realize is that everything they do, every decision they make is really just his. You can love a man without emulating him.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, as it seems that girls can never hear this advice enough – single or not, live your life. You’d think that after years of our mothers and friends hammering this into our minds, it’d be second nature and yet, so many girls find themselves lost without the one they love. Being heartbroken is one thing, being lost is an entirely other thing. Don’t ever get so wrapped up in loving another person that you lose yourself in the process. There’s only one of you, which makes you pretty damn rare, so hold tight to who you are and what you believe in.

Alexander Hamilton got it right when he said “those who stand for nothing will fall for anything.” A lot of girls, so quick to avoid confrontation with the ones they love, often forget that compliance is not one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. Those quick to surrender in a quarrel are usually also quick to surrender who they are. Be in a relationship with someone because it makes you a better person, not because it makes you a different person.

As a general rule of thumb when approaching new relationships, keep this in mind, “be open-minded, do not be malleable.” So you and your new guy don’t agree on everything, that’s no reason to back down from what you believe, simply agree to disagree and move on.

Don’t plan your life around a guy who just stepped in the picture. Even if you’re free to hang with him, try to spend that time with friends instead or better yet, by yourself doing the things you love to do. At the very least, if you don’t make time for your friends, you cant expect them to care when you want to vent about your boy problems, which let’s just admit to ourselves, are inevitable. And furthermore, your friends are the perfect reminders of you who are and they’ll keep you grounded, which is the best way to avoid the risk of losing yourself in love. And no, you can’t invite him to (or “accidentally” run into him at) girls’ night.

The girls who fall in love without falling into it, completely losing their own lives, don’t get nearly enough credit. Maybe you can’t have it all, but you can love him and love the life you have that doesn’t include him and yes, there most definitely should be parts of your life that don’t include him. Here’s to the girls who have hobbies, who cant wait for girls’ night, who can kick it with her guys’ friends and can spend every night in his bed, only as long as she’s had time to herself during the day – I salute you.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 31 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson 31: Abandon your safety reserves.

Safety Reserves – we all have them. Perhaps you know them by a different name – backups, the one you love to drunk dial/text, the one who never really makes it to the top of your list and is always the first to fall to the back of the line, the one you wish you could like a little more but since you don’t not get along, can’t completely block out. These people, while probably a priority in someone else’s mind, rarely wash up on our dating preference shores.

If you hold a lackluster view toward someone, what exactly makes you feel that keeping them on the back burner is going to make you eventually like them? It’s like we convince ourselves we’ll fall for them, which isn’t fair to the other person of course, but it also isn’t fair to yourself.

Are we that afraid to be alone that we’d rather be with someone we get along with but were never crazy enough about to be our first pick? And how is it supposed to make your backup feel? Should they be informed that they were just a backup choice but then again, how could they not already know? So to counter the question that explores our reluctance to be alone, there’s the question that asks, “Are we so afraid to be alone that we’ll be with someone who has had a pattern of rejecting us in the past when someone better (or rather, more compatible) comes along?” For most people, whether they admit it or not, I think the answer is “yes”…sadly enough for both questions.

The thing about compatibility is that everyone has it and since there’s no such thing as “no compatibility,” just different levels of compatibility, naturally we order our love interests by how well they rank. So, when you get a text from the same guy every two weeks or so, it’s safe to say, you’re probably not at the top of his list. Not to say that he’s at the top of your list, but why take on the “something out of nothing” attitude and cave to a date that you’ll probably regret anyway with someone who falls short on your list if you fall short on theirs, too? If he was into you, he’d be texting you regularly, not just when he’s realized that it’s been a while since he’s had a fruitful date in a while and that he dated you a while back and the date wasn’t half-bad, but what we not-so-cleverly forget is that it wasn’t half-good either. For a culture that puts so much emphasis on “the spark,” we sure are quick to forget it when loneliness rolls around.

What’s the point? So you can put on your date clothes and hope that this date (after five of the same) will be different, that you’ll magically be more into them this time? Guess what? Not happening. And here’s why – Once you’ve put someone on the back burner, they stay there. No matter how many dinners you go on, no matter how many of their jokes you try convince yourself are funny, no matter how many times you walk home from a date with them thinking, “That wasn’t so bad,” you’re never going to fall head over heels for them simply because you haven’t already. Side note – If you have to tell yourself something wasn’t that bad, that doesn’t make it good.

It’s time we abandoned our safety reserves and lead a life that embraces being single, even if that means there’s no love interest on the horizon. It’s unfair to the person you fall back on and it’s unfair to yourself. Why waste the effort on a mediocre relationship with someone toward the lowest quartile of your list, and in turn waste their time too? Go your separate ways, be “just friends” and spend the time and effort instead on yourselves on finding actual happiness alone than spending yet another Friday night hearing the same hunting story for the fourth time.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 30 rules of the Single Girl Society.