All around me, my friends are dropping like flies into the pool of relationships. I suppose when you’re perpetually single, it seems like this is always the case, but trust me; it’s even more the case now. Maybe it’s because we’re all getting older and the time for settling down is dawning on many a resigned party goer in my social circle. Maybe it’s because biological clocks are ticking (I keep hearing from guys that we women have these clocks – I don’t buy it – but maybe some women do?). But whatever it is that is happening to everyone around me…I’m immune to it.

I’m so good at being single that it actually scares me a little bit. I had steady boyfriends until I was 20 and then – suddenly – I just wasn’t interested in it anymore. I didn’t wanna be vulnerable anymore, I didn’t want to be the center of anyone’s life. I didn’t want to have to report back to anyone about what time I’ll be getting in. I didn’t want to have to share my bed anymore. I didn’t care if anyone loved me; I knew my friends and family loved me. I just didn’t…care. Everyone said it would pass, but it didn’t. I’m 24 now and the only boyfriend I’ve had in the last 4 years was a very short-lived long distance relationship, which I think I could only handle because of the distance.

I genuinely like being single. I like living for me. I like not mixing up my goals and plans with someone else’s. I like waking up alone. I like getting up and traveling to whatever city I want, at any time, without even thinking to discuss it with someone else. I love single life. Doesn’t anyone else?

(photo from: morningside8.com)

Yet, for some reason, it seems like one evening made me forget everything I have grown to appreciate over the past few months.

While out on a seemingly normal Saturday night last weekend, I met someone when I least expected it. He was intelligent, attractive and attracted to me. (Score!) We spent the evening talking and laughing and having a great time. I genuinely enjoyed the time I spent with him, which was something I haven’t had in a long time. We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

I went home happy and excited. I wasn’t really looking for anything right now, but that is what made my night so thrilling. Still, I didn’t want to make anything more out of the situation than it was: two people hanging out with a side of blatant flirtation. Despite all of my internal dialogue, though, I couldn’t get the kid out of my head. No matter how many times I told myself to stop thinking about it, stop checking my phone and stop daydreaming about what would happen if I saw him again, I just couldn’t.

And it pissed me off.

Twenty four hours before this I was laying on my couch enjoying the time I had to catch up on my reading. I was making a list of gifts to buy for a local shelter. And I was announcing to the world how happy I was to be a single woman. Yet now, against all my better judgment and constant self-talk, I couldn’t get this guy out of my head.

I feel completely pathetic; like I have become one of those crazy girls all the guys talk about. And the worst part is, I can’t stop it. How is it possible that a few hours can change what took months to create? What more can I do to make myself do what I keep telling myself to?

I know that my current situation is taking me down a path of pain and disappointment, but I can’t seem to go in another direction. And no matter how many times I tell myself that 1) I barely know anything about this kid and 2) I really love going to bed early and getting up to go to the gym, nothing is working.

I don’t want to be that girl. I hate that girl.

And I fear that I am becoming that girl.

What can I do!?

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am genuinely happy in my single-dom. I don’t find myself staring angrily (and jealously) at happy couples as they pass by or judging the quality of an evening out at the bar based on how successful I was with the opposite sex.

I don’t sit home watching romantic comedies and sobbing into my pillow as the couple lives happily ever after and all I can think about is how I am going to end up alone. With cats.

Quite the contrary, I have become quite taken by my current situation; I can do what I want when I want and worry about no one but myself. I have all the time in the world for my family, my friends, my work and everything else I want to devote my energies to. I am happy. Really happy.

Unfortunately, my best friend isn’t taking to her life as a single woman quite so well. She is where I was about six months ago; missing a previous relationship, feeling like the only single girl in the world and beginning to doubt herself as a person. Oh, and missing sex….terribly.

It kills me to see her like this. After all, I have been there – every girl has been there – and it sucks. No. Worse then sucks. It sucks the life out of you. You sit around wondering what is wrong with you. Why everyone but you is happy in a relationship. Why you too can’t find that kind of happiness. You are doing everything right; when is your turn!?

I think my current state of contentedness started when I realized that I wasn’t doin’ it right. “Right” for so many of us means going out and waiting for someone to approach us. It means staying in our comfort zones and waiting for things to happen. I don’t know where we got these standards, but it doesn’t happen that way! And – being independent and driven – I began to realize that I shouldn’t have to depend on someone else finding me to make me happy.

Finding a relationship takes work. Unlike what we see in romantic comedies, love doesn’t always find us; we need to find it. And not simply by throwing on a low cut top and hanging out at a bar. We need to leave our comfort zones and seek it out; embrace our single status and have friends set us up, explore new activities, try new dating avenues – internet dating, for one – and make things happen for ourselves.

We need to stop playing the role of dating victim and take control of our own dating destinies.

So, as much as I want to comfort my friend and find the words that will remind her how fabulous/beautiful/smart she is and that she too will find love, I will not do it. Not because I don’t want to see her happy but because I do. Her situation requires tough love: a reminder that she is not a damsel in dating distress and that she is just not trying hard enough.

She didn’t sit around waiting for people to give her a college education or a prestigious career, why should her love life be any different?