I will not apologize for my beauty sleep. I will not!

This week, in light of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. I’m not Jewish, but the fact that my 21st birthday falls on the day of repenting has caused me to think about the fact that I’m doing the exact opposite: indulging and sinning.

I’m so not chosen for a reason.

Last week the CollegeCandy writers shared the things they want to ask forgiveness for. I’ve decided to take a different route and reflect on the things I’ve done wrong and have no desire to repent for. I’ve got enough Catholic guilt as it is.

10. Borrowing my sister’s clothes without asking.
Sorry Meredith, I just had to have that black shirt. You never wear it!

9. Indulging in cupcakes. At any hour of the day.
8 AM. Magnolia Bakery. Totally appropriate and healthy.

8. Exceeding my budget (by a lot a lot) for the sale at Saks.
It’s not like I need groceries.

7. Skipping class to sleep.
Not going to feel guilty for those extra z’s over watching a video on gender roles in advertising. Barbie, bad. I get it. I can find it on YouTube, right?

6. Lying about having a boyfriend to get out of a date.
Yeah, sorry I have this super protective boyfriend that won’t let me even text other boys.

5. Staying out til 3 AM. On a weekday.
Tuesdays are the new Fridays.

4. Using that emergency credit card for a Pad Thai emergency.
“Dad, I’m sorry, I needed it! I promise I won’t do it again, or at least I won’t until next weekend.”

3. Shamelessly Facebook-stalking.
Just making sure you still have more chins than quality personality traits.

2. Making out with my ex-fling.
If it happened in a different state, than it doesn’t count. Ah, who cares? Totally. Worth. It.

1. Telling friends I’m sick and can’t go out. In order to stay in and watch movies with my real best friend: peanut butter M&Ms.
Okay, maybe saying I’m “swining out” was a little overboard.

We are all living the holier-than-thou lifestyle, obvi. If premarital sex, Gossip Girl story lines and excessive binge drinking is all okay by God, that is.

Perhaps these aren’t on the Catholic list of acceptable behavior, but for those of us college students living it up during our undergrad years, I have some good news for you.

The Catholic Church seems to think that praying before committing an act of sin may save you from being totally ousted in God’s eyes. The church is telling couples to pray before having sexual intercourse in able to “purify their intentions.”

Is this too good to be true? Even though we are about to break one of the strong beliefs of Catholicism, all we have to do is shoot God a little message apologizing ahead of time and he’ll overlook our tumble with the football captain in the back of the bleachers? Sure, it sorta ruins the heat of the moment situation (“Hold please, let us pray”), but if a few little words can save our souls then let’s get our prayer on.

Not that I don’t pray before sex already. I’m pretty sure every sexual encounter I have is preceded by internal discussions between me and god:

“Dear God, please don’t let me get pregnant, please don’t let me get pregnant, please don’t let me get pregnant. Amen.”

But this is different – this is like a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Just send a few words upstairs and you’re good to get down and dirty, guilt free. I just wonder, if we can override our sexual encounters with a pre-sex prayer ritual, what other wrongs can we right before they are even committed?

“Dear God, please excuse me for the case of beer I’m about to purchase for my 16-year-old sister. Amen.”

What sinful activities would you precede with a little prayer time?

P4CM, a.k.a Passion for Christ Movement, an organization that (duh) is all about religion and serving Jesus, just launched a new line of tees to inspire people to free themselves through God.The tees announce to the world that the wearer has rid him or herself of poor habits and choices that are frowned upon by God. Things like being a diva, being a hypocrite, and being a slave.

Or, being a masturbator?

Yeah….their latest design, the “Ex-Masturbator” t-shirt,  addresses the question: Is masturbation seen as a good thing through God’s eyes? (Editor’s Note: I don’t care – it’s a great thing through my eyes!) And I think that’s great; really, I do. Everyone has a right to express themselves (and the things they do under the covers when they are alone at night) on a t-shirt, but I am just not sure people will rock this shirt with any sincerity.

I mean, how many guys do you know that are Ex-masturbators? Hell, how many guys do you know that can last longer than a day without doing it?

Ze-ro.

I’m not saying that no one is going to buy the shirt; in fact, I am pretty sure those things will sell out. I’m just confident that it won’t be actual “Ex-Masturbators” rocking the tees, but rather dopey fratboys on college campuses nationwide trying to get a few laughs…and into a girls pants for some truly sinful activities.

And I’m pretty sure that’s not what P4CM had in mind…

1. I regret that time I met a guy at a bar and did some naughty things at a very public table. That other people may have been sitting at. And the bar also happened to be a restaurant. And it was definitely not sanitary.

2. I regret purchasing condoms while drunk and choosing that the ones that glow in the dark/have spikes “for her enjoyment.” I did not enjoy them that night, nor did I enjoy the way those spikes made me feel for the next 3 days.

3. I regret thinking hooking up in a boy’s bathroom was “hot” – it was not. In fact, it was dirty, moldy and didn’t have a lock. So, with that, I regret that guy’s roommates walking in and getting quite a show.

4. I regret hooking up in my roommate’s bed because she then hooked up in my bed in retaliation…and made a much bigger mess.

5. I regret keeping my hot stilettos on during a particularly wild romp that led to a giant gouge in my wall and a large, bloody gash down my man’s back.

I know I am not alone in making poor hook up decisions. What are your biggest regrets?

Today is the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which means that I just spent 4 hours thanking God for everything he has given me in the past year (followed, of course, by a large and delicious meal). While in synogogue, I thanked the Big Guy upstairs for my family, my friends, my education and the fact that my money is still safe in a bank somewhere.

I also thanked him for my wonderful job, my great hair and the awesome deal I got on that green pashmina I wore to services.

I thought I covered it all until I got home and realized I left a major “Thank You, GOD” out: a hearty thank you for all the super hot Jews in Hollywood. And for the DVR that allows me to record them, the iPod that allows me to hear them and the vivid dreams that allow me to…er…interact with them.

It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or Agnostic; I think we all owe someone a giant thank you for these boys. (Click on the pic for more delicious pics!)

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR).

- I am sorry for talking badly behind people’s backs all year. I am also sorry that I will do it again next year.

- I am sorry for stealing internet from you, upstairs neighbor. But you should be sorry for waking me up at 6am on weekends while having (LOUD) sex with your boyfriend.

- I am sorry for this.

God I love this holiday. The apples and honey, the family meals, and the fact that all my wrong doings can be erased simply by asking. I can see why Lindsay Lohan wants to be a jew.

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