There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

The elimination of most of my music and pretty much any TV has been an interesting change to my morning. Luckily, my hangover from Saturday night kept me in bed for most of the day, and thus helped it go by a little faster. I made it through my Love Diet playlist about two and a half times before I decided silence might be a nice alternative to my new favorite 17 love-free songs.

I cleaned my apartment to an extent that left every surface not only sparkling clean but also disinfected. I did my nails, and even a bit of reading. No serenading, love notes or tokens of affection to speak of. And I am cool with that; maybe I am just on a residual high from yesterday.

It is the night I think that makes things hard. The evenings and/or nights are where I usually sit down on the couch and mindlessly get absorbed into TV for a while or watch a movie; obviously falling victim to the ideas of well paid writers who make a living off romantic suckers like me. Not tonight, I read the newspaper — a very unromantic newspaper — cover to cover. I just might turn into the most aware person I know.

So, at the end of the day I have to question if this is actually going to make any kind of difference at all. Twenty-four hours has not made me forget about the romance that I desire so much, will another 144? Am I really going to be able to shake my unrealistic ideas of romance and just be wowed by the everyday little things?

And the answer, well, I have no idea…

Dear Mr. Bianco:

What is wrong with you?

1) Demographics:

You are terribly presumptuous in thinking that the show only appeals to a younger audience (20s and 30s age range). The demographic is wider than you would think — haven’t you noticed the subtle ways they’ve advertised baby diapers, baby toys, etc.? Obviously appealing to the baby demographic, which you failed to consider when writing your critique.

My ol’ granny lives in a nasty retirement home. It smells like urine, but that’s not the point. My ol’ granny watches 30 Rock all the time. Perhaps that’s anecdotal, but I’ve been over there many times, and enjoyed an episode out in the main area with a bunch of other old peeps. They all laughed, just like my infant cousins laugh at the show. We all know (that means you), that when my granny and my infant cousins laugh at something, it’s universally funny.

2) Tina/Liz and Reality/Fiction critique:

OK, I won’t even go into that fact that this whole dichotomy is tiresome, and that you, Mr. Bianco, could learn a few things if you read literary theory and thought about the problematic divide between “reality” and “fiction.” I won’t go into that here, but I will raise a point about your comments about the show’s inability to hang onto reality.

At one point you write: “But as often happens lately, the jokes come at the expense of our attachment to the characters and to the show’s fraying links to reality.” Huh? What’s this mean? You devolve into a silly attack against Tina/Liz, and it makes me wonder if you harbor jealousy with the fact that (a) Tina Fey is probably WAY funnier than you could ever WISH to be and (b) you have some lame-o script for a sitcom wadded up in your tiny little office at USA TODAY.

3) Liz’s “sudden instability:”

When was Liz Lemon SANE? When? If memory serves me (and I have superb memory recall when it comes to 30 Rock), in one of the previous episodes Liz was drunk at a lunch meeting with super powerful big-wigs of the company. Have you seen her ex? Again, have you SEEN her ex? You suggest that Liz Lemon is more unstable in the last episode than in the other ones. That might suggest a bit of sexism, which Fey is poking fun at…if that’s the case, you’re a jerk, man. Besides, she wasn’t even pregnant, so there!

4) Decline in Ratings (according to Bianco) = Decline in Quality of Show

The decline in ratings might not be a result of the decline in the quality of content, but related to the fact that it’s intelligent humor. Ever considered that, Mr. Bianco? With that said, I’m aghast by the fact that you failed to acknowledge that much of this episode was a bitter and sarcastic critique of the Bush Administration. That strand of the story had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with pulling at our attachment(s) to the characters in “reality.” Of course, Fey is pushing viewers to think about the nonsense of a very real reality (the political spin that we’re currently drowning in, gasping for that last breath of air as I write this, before we’re all flushed down Bushy’s toilet of darkness), and that part was entirely detached from the real characters of TV Land. That was the only funny part? Come on! You sum it up in one tiny paragraph, and so flippantly.

Your overall assertion that Liz doesn’t give a damn about the show is punchy, based upon a few stringed together critiques. And how could you suggest that its tenure is similar to Studio 60? Are you serious? Are you really serious? Your comparing a drama to a sitcom! That’s why your conclusion is so utterly fallacious, and I can only determine that you take yourself too seriously and are projecting it onto a show.

Love,

C. Ryder

P.S. Studio 60 should have been given a chance – you’re just as wrong about that, too.

So when I found out that Britney Spears had been cast on my second favorite sitcom (behind The Office), How I Met Your Mother, I was a little perturbed to say the least.

How I Met Your Mother has succumbed to stunt casting before, giving guest spots to stars like Mandy Moore, Enrique Inglesias, and in one episode, Heidi Klum and a bevy of Victoria’s Secret models. However, these cameos were mainly a way to try and reign in more viewers, as HIMYM has often had low ratings, despite the inherent hilarity of the show.

But now the makers of the show have gone too far. I try to avoid Britney Spears columns like the plague, considering that I really don’t like voluntarily hearing about a person’s psychological meltdown. Schadenfreude really isn’t my thing. So when I saw the headline announcing this guest spot, I was thisclose to skipping over the article entirely. Imagine my horror when I realized the sitcom gig in the headline was referring to my beloved, pure, funny, and original How I Met Your Mother.

So now I just wait in horror for next Monday. The reports from the set seem to be…positive, I guess. And I believe that any scene with Neil Patrick Harris as Barney can be hilarious, even if Britney is in there sucking up all the funny. So fans of HIMYM, keep your fingers crossed for zero to minimal southern accent, bad comedic timing, and inane references to Britney’s former glory.

If anyone can salvage something from the wreckage of Britney Spears’ current situation, let’s hope that the writers and actors of How I Met Your Mother can do it. And considering that the show almost didn’t get renewed for another season, I guess I’m willing to let the gazillion or so new viewers tune in just to see Britney speak in coherent sentences…as long as it keeps How I Met Your Mother on the air as long as possible.