You don’t have to fill a plastic pumpkin with candy corn to make the most out of fall’s best holiday. Even if the pumpkins are the best. things. on. earth. Halloween comes chock full of goodies, many of which won’t send you into a diabetic coma or give you a muffin top in your cheap vinyl pirate hooker costume. We’re less than two weeks away from Halloween, and I know I’m looking forward to way better treats than fun-sized Milky Way bars.

1. Horror Movie Overload

As a horror movie fanatic, this is my favorite time of the cable television year. On any given day of the week, you’ll find yourself choosing between installments of Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street. Scour the TV Guide, and you’ll probably also find lesser-known thrillers like The People Under the Stairs, or a wide selection of Steven King novel-turned-creepy-classics.

This is also the time of year for new horror flicks to hit the cinemas. I’m tempted to shell out $10 for Saw V, which hits theaters October 24. I also have to admit I’m tempted to check out The Haunting of Molly Hartley, which comes out on Halloween, and not just because of Chace Crawford.

2. The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Special

Can you believe that this year’s Simpsons Halloween Special will be number 19?!? Though we have to wait until November 2 to see ToH XIX, you can bet the other 18 episodes will be running in syndication every weeknight for the next couple of weeks. This year’s episode will supposedly feature spoofs of Transformers and It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (another Halloween treat that deserves an honorable mention on this list). The opening credits are also rumored to have strong political ties, but I’d rather not spoil the surprise. If the blood and gore of horror flicks gross you out, you can still appreciate the hilarious parodies that The Simpsons bring us every year. Read More »

My mom always told me that when things get rough, sometimes you have to “just be.” I never understood that, really; I’d just nod and agree and then go back to freaking out over whatever I was doing right beforehand. But you know, the more stuff you have to do, the more you realize that yeah, you do have to just be. Calm down. Chillax.

After a week filled with tests, papers, about five gallons of coffee, and way too much spiked apple cider (Quickie Recipe: Apple cider + apple brandy, varying the amount of brandy for the amount of drunk, is f*ckin’ delish), a few of my friends and I decided to be a bunch of kids. We hunted down a corn maze and got utterly lost in it, went to a pumpkin patch, and picked apples.

We didn’t do anything particularly stupid or sophomoric — unless you count getting in a fight with a 10-year-old over the existence of infinity. No, we just had fun. Fall is my favorite season, and I hadn’t properly enjoyed it in years ’til last weekend. The only thing missing was a hay ride…

This week was/is slightly worse, with a ten-page-paper that was due yesterday (that still isn’t done, shhh) and a psychology test tomorrow I haven’t really studied for. But this weekend, after dealing with trying to write a paper for an outrageously vague professor (who I think really only teaches because he a) likes to hear his voice b) likes to make students feel stupid) and studying for a test in a class I sometimes think I’d enjoy more if it weren’t for the tests, we’re doin’ it again. No, not the corn maze and pumpkin bit. But hey. Come on, you guys. You honestly mean to tell me that you wouldn’t go to FrightFest if given the chance? Read More »

I’m not the biggest fan of roller coasters. Something about the feeling that my stomach is about to shove its way into my throat is just really off-putting. Plus, remember that story about Fabio getting slammed in the face by a bird? I mean, it could happen to any one of us.

Since I’m already iffy about the whole thing, it’s not like I need another reason to be freaked out by these fear contraptions. But this story is freaky enough to possibly keep even the roller-coaster obsessed away for a little while.

Yesterday, a 17-year-old South Carolina boy was decapitated by the “Batman the Ride” coaster at Six Flags Over Georgia. Apparently, he and a friend jumped two fences and sped past multiple “Do Not Enter” signs in an attempt to get on the ride, and when the coaster came speeding by, 17-year-old Asia Leeshawn Ferguson was struck.

The article goes on to say that this is not the first time “Batman the Ride” has offed someone. Six years ago, a Six Flags park worker died when he was struck in the head by a girl in the first car of the coaster.

Now, should you be afraid of imminent death every time you get in line for that newest, upside down corkscrew roller coaster? Probably not. But should all my friends stop laughing at my reluctance to get on one of them? Yes. Safety first, people. Safety first.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a bike helmet to put on before going to the grocery store.

Okay, what the hell is this?!

Seriously. I will kill it.

First of all, it’s a product that spins your mascara wand. Perhaps you didn’t hear me, it spins your mascara wand. I’m sure I will get comments here that say I’m overreacting, but, for realz–has it really come to this?

How freakin’ lazy can we get? Now we need a device to help us apply mascara?

I’m also disturbed by the little spinning wand avec product on the homepage that lets you enter the page.

Why does this exist? Why would I spend $14.95 plus shipping and handling (!) on something that I secretly fear may pull my lashes out, carnival style, like that girl who lost her scalp at Six Flags?

The creepy little video says something like, “Clumps are caused by applying traditional mascara to naturally disorderly lashes.”

Honey, if my lashes are disorderly, it’s because God made ‘em that way. I don’t need some spinning wand to make it otherwise. Read More »