“It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” – that’s the saying, anyway. But with the new season of Hung and the start of The Hard Times of RJ Berger, it seems like having a big dick is still a big deal – in entertainment-land anyway. The question is, does it really count for that much in the real world? Some of us have already weighed in on this age old issue, but all it takes is one look at the comments to see that we’re still a little divided.

In some ways, I think that for us, having a guy with a big ”pink oboe” (seriously, go Google “penis synonyms,” definite entertainment) is kind of the equivalent of the hot-twin-threesome fantasy guys have – it sounds hot in our minds, but probably isn’t nearly as awesome in real life. It’s gotten built up over the years through jokes and porn and since most of us have probably only had – or will have - experience with men in the average-size range, it has become a big fantasy thing that a huge” disco stick” is going to fulfill all of your sexual needs. In reality, sexual prowess has a lot more to do with skill than size…

…Up to a point. Sorry boys, hate to say it, but I think most of us (if we’re being brutally honest) can agree that size does matter, at least a little bit. It’s kind of like being in the NBA – once you’re tall enough to match the other players, it doesn’t really matter if you’re 6’4″ or 6’10,” that’s when skills start to come in to play; but you probably aren’t going to be shooting hoops with the pros if you’re only 5’6″. And you have to admit, most stereotypes do get started for a reason, so it’s not such a stretch (God, don’t go there) to think that maybe a big “love muscle” might really be good.

Time to sound off, girls! Do you really care what caliber a guy is packing or does marksmanship matter more (did that metaphor just fall apart?)? Is the big “beef whistle” thing just hype or do we just not know what we’re missing?

Duke it out!

So listen up. Maybe it’s time we all stop hating on the little guys, K?

The top two-thirds of the vagina has no nerve endings. Really. We only have a couple of inches that can feel what’s going on (that’s why you can’t feel a properly inserted tampon). If you’re only going to be feeling 3 inches, what difference would a 5-inch penis or a 9-inch penis make?

“It’s not the size of the boat…” Plenty of well-endowed men have no skill (trust.), and many men with smaller equipment know the right things to do. It’s not fair to generalize either way, really. There are plenty of men who are larger who think that just because they’re big they don’t need to try – well, that’s not the case (trust). And many men who are aware and possibly self-conscious of their smaller penises will try extra-hard to make it that much better (trust). Everyone is different, it’s not just size that determines a good sexual partner (amen).

A big penis is more likely to hurt you than an average sized one. Ripping, tearing and general discomfort are more likely the bigger you go. If you are with a guy who’s on the bigger side – use lube, and lots of it.

As I’ve mentioned before, most women don’t orgasm through intercourse alone. Clitoral stimulation is what does it for most ladies, and the size of his member doesn’t really matter much when he’s going down on you. Smaller guys still have tongues, fingers, and forearms, so unless you can’t orgasm unless your partner is 8 inches or larger and you can only finish during intercourse, there’s no reason a smaller guy can’t do as well (if not better) than a guy who is more well endowed.

And that’s the end of that one.
Smaller guys, you can thank me later.

For proper Spring Break travel etiquette, I highly suggest not dragging along an issue of Maxim.  Take my word for it; trying to flip through pages of half naked sex-pots while sitting next to the cute family on their first trip to Disney Land does not constitute for a comfortable situation.  Regardless, I’ve always loved the articles in Maxim.  It is like peeking into the man-brain in magazine form. Absolutely genius… or absolutely full of half-naked girls licking the bottoms of their shoes.

Ever since me and my girlfriends dubbed Maxim the essential road-trip material of choice, I haven’t been able to resist an issue here and there. And this month’s issue did not fail in the ‘getting into the male’s brain’ department.

After flipping quickly through all of the racy spreads of Maxim babes while withholding my own personal commentary about their swimsuits and lingerie of choice, I landed on some interesting material.  I giggled at an article honoring the 25th anniversary of the first space shuttle launch, in which Maxim listed Nasa-patented technology that makes women ‘hotter than the sun.’ The list included how hair, cleavage, teeth, skin, and scent have all been influenced by the orbit to make chicks even hotter.  So I can thank Pluto for my assets? Awesome.

Maxim also gifted us with an interview from Ke$ha (why does it bother me that I have insert the dollar sign in her name), featuring her craziest moments, which included: vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet, robbing David Spade, breaking into Prince’s house, and (almost) getting attacked by a barracuda. And I still don’t know why I have to use a dollar sign in her name.

And finally, the big kahuna: The Dirty Truth 2010 Survey: Where 4,000 Women Tell All. I couldn’t wait to read it and see the secrets we ladies were passing on to our male counterparts. To close the communication gap and finally have all our answers out on the table. Instead I scratched my head and wondered who the hell these 4,000 women were they found to take the survey. Let’s take a look.

Maxim Says: 4.2 % say, “I don’t think about sex everyday.”
Brittany Says: I get it, maybe women aren’t as apt as men to think about sex every five minutes.  But the 4.2% in this category are clearly out for lunch. I’m not saying you have to think about sex every waking hour, or the minute you peal your banana for breakfast, but who are these people taking this survey? Nuns?

Maxim Says: 3.2% say they have had zero sexual partners.
Brittany Says: And there’s our answer.

Maxim Says: 58.3% say great oral sex would be the gift they would be most excited to receive; 24.2% designer high heels; 17.5% a puppy.
Brittany Says: What are we teaching our men out there, people? The women taking this survey mean to tell me they would rather have one romp in bed with a dude over a puppy? I can only imagine how bad their partners have been at going downtown.

Maxim Says: 10.1% say, 11+ inches is too big (for down under). 9.0% say, “there is no such thing.”
Brittany Says: Did anyone listen in grade school? That is progressing to be bigger than the length of a ruler. Of course that is too big, people! Do you really need a guy who can give it to you from the next room!?

Maxim Says: 56.4% say, ‘A criminal record’ would be information that would make you refuse to go out with him. 53.3% say, ‘Pictures of him douching out at a club – Jersey Shore style.’
Brittany Says: Dancing like The Situation in a club is criminal. Oh, and nearly 50% of participants have no problem dating someone with a record? Way to have standards, ladies.

Maxim Says: 81% do not want to attempt anal sex without asking.
Brittany Says: The other 19% have obviously never experienced the sneak attack. Once they do, they’ll be singing a different tune.

And boy do we need this long weekend. This week – the first back at school for most of us – has kicked our butts. There was so much going on we nearly forgot to eat today… and eating is not something we ever forget to do around here. Especially when it comes to snacks that freshen up our faces.

Let’s reflect:

- Both American Idol and Project Runway kicked off this week.

- NBC and Jay Leno royally screwed over Conan and his dedicated fans.

- Not that we should be watching all that TV, anyway. That stuff is killing us!

- We debated whether it’s OK for girlfriends to hang with guy friends.

- And whether girls should have to get all dolled up to spend a night IN with their men.

- But how do we get a boyfriend anyway when these freaks are taking over the online dating world?

- We looked for advice on saving some moolah.

- Then spent it on some gorgeous gray clothing (to match our gray winter mood).

- Then we learned about Olympic hottie, J.R. Celski, and suddenly we felt all better.

- But as much as we’d like to take him back to our place, there are still a few things we hate about sexy time. Regardless of his size.

- Finally, we took a moment to hear the other woman’s side of things.

Thank God it’s Friday.
Bring on the 3-day weekend!

But what many guys don’t know – and which some girls might not even know! – is that size problems go both ways; a guy can be too big just as easily as he can be too small. What do you do if your partner falls on either end of the spectrum?

Too Small

If he’s too small, there’s no magic pill to make him bigger (despite what your gmail inbox claims). You can make him feel bigger by trying positions that allow deeper penetration. Doggie style with your waist high (use pillows if it makes it more comfortable) and your chest lowered to the bed is a great angle for this. Spruce up missionary by resting your ankles on his shoulders (if you’re not flexible enough, just bend your knees and pull them up towards your chest). Trust me, a little (penis) goes a long way.

Also remember that penetration isn’t the only (or most) pleasurable sex act; indulge yourself in some oral or manual stimulation as well.

If changing positions or acts isn’t enough, you can try penis extenders. They slip over his goods like a condom but have extra material to add some length. I can’t imagine he would feel much through them, though, or that your man would really be in the mood after you made him feel self conscious about his manhood. But I’ve never tried them so I’m really not sure. Post a comment if you’ve ever tried these and let us know how it went!

Too Big

Being too big can be worse than being too small. It’s hard to enjoy sex if it hurts! If your partner is big enough to make sex uncomfortable, there are a few things you can try. First, lots and lots of foreplay. Your vagina expands when you become aroused, allowing him in with less resistance. Sex will also be less painful is you are properly lubricated, so use lube generously, even if you feel turned on enough.

Stick to sex positions that keep penetration shallow. Girl-on-top is great because you can control the speed and depth of penetration to avoid pain. Missionary can work too, but try to keep your legs close together and your pelvis pointed downward to keep his thrusts from going too deep. Most importantly, speak up! If something hurts, let him know. And f it feels good, definitely let him know.

Now that you have any size issues worked out, you can focus on improving how he uses the goods. Enjoy!

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Kate Winslet confuses her husbands.

As you fidget with the keys to your house you begin to think to yourself, this guy is too good to be true. There must be something wrong with him. Right? But what could it be? Bad in bed? Weird rash? Miniscule manhood?

Not that it matters – it’s the motion in the ocean, right? Well, now you can know exactly what you are dealing with…down there. Yes, ladies, someone has done the unthinkable: they took a condom and a ruler and put it all together into one handy dandy little (or, if you’re lucky, big) package.

Because you have always wondered if your man really was 8 inches, but never knew how to measure. (Note: breaking out a ruler while he’s asleep is never a good idea.) Because you never knew what 6 inches really looked like. Because you like to compare your conquests with those of your friends.

And because, well, it’s just sorta funny.

Not only do these condoms com with 14 inches of measuring fun (you never know when you are gonna meet Ron Jeremy), but they also come in lots of fun flavors. Papito Banana anyone?