A couple of weeks ago, Miley was voted the worst celeb influence. And while we’ve definitely said some harsh (but true) things about her in the past, I can’t help but have mixed feelings about the tweeny-bopper’s new title. The “influence on young girls” has been tossed around at celebs for decades and I have to wonder if Miley and her various competitions really deserve the rap they’re getting, or if it’s all just hype.

Ok, no argument here; Miley and  does a lot of things that I def wouldn’t want any little sister of mine emulating. Between dating the (much) older guys to the way she dresses, the various and well documented poor decisions with pics and online – the girls just has a knack for acting, well, like a skanky ditz. And if nothing else, Hannah Montana’s literal mountain of merchandise proves that young girls are definitely susceptible to wanting to be like her. Disney has held a reign on her so far (just imagine what she’d do if left to her own devices) but eventually that will end and who knows where that will take her.

But on the other hand, I have to wonder how bad Miley really is, at least in relation to the rest of our culture. Take another former-Disney teen queen for example – Britney. She scandalized with “Baby, One More Time” (I dare you not to get it stuck in your head now!) by wearing a sexy schoolgirl outfit and pigtails. It was an outfit right out of softcore porn and she was immediately labeled as a “bad influence”. Now regardless of how terribly awry Britney’s life went in the subsequent years, the truth is, her in that outfit was the most salacious in the pop world since Maddona rolled around in a wedding dress on the VMAs. And while that schoolgirl outfit might seem tame compared with some of the things Miley has done, take into account that Britney debuted in a world without reality TV, Perez Hilton or, for that matter, the flaming ball of tabloid that was post-”Oops… I Did It Again” Britney. It was easier to get noticed back then, so for tween queens like Miley and her ilk to compete nowadays, it’s not enough just to get up and sing and look sexy – if you want the publicity, you gotta go all the way.

So what do you think? Is Miley really any worse (for the era she lives in) than any of the girls who came before her? Or is it all the same product with slutty new packaging?

There are a lot of celebrities out there that simply disappear, whether it be voluntarily or due to lack of talent/rehab/Bermuda triangle.  There are a couple that have massive amounts of issues, yet refuse to disappear.  In fact, they seem to pop up everywhere, strutting around uninvited on every red carpet.  People like Bai Ling and Paris Hilton are prime examples.

More recently, we have Mischa Barton.  I gotta admit, I really do enjoy watching a mediocre TV actress fall from grace (and she fell hard!).  Oh, speaking of mediocre actresses, I think I heard the other day that Tara Reid has teamed up with the douchebag powerhouse that is Christian Audigier to design some piece of crap that I’ll certainly see all around campus.  Yay.

In light of that wonderful piece of news, I think it’s time to pair up a couple of the most washed up faces in Hollywood:  Mischa Barton and Tara Reid.

Acting
Mischa Barton was never a steller actress, let’s not lie.  She peaked in The Sixth Sense as the creepy ghost girl who barfed a lot.  The OC was a shambles, especially when she became a drug addict or whatever and then died randomly in the third season.  Has anyone seen Mischa in anything since then?  Not unless you caught one of her straight-to-DVD releases.  Yeesh.

Tara Reid is not a great actress by any means.  I did enjoy her run in American Pie (1 and 2) and the episodes of Scrubs that she appeared in were hilarious.  However, whenever I watch her in anything else, all that comes to mind is the word “sticky.”  She just looks sticky and sweaty and drunk at all times…probably because she’s always at least one of those things (I’m voting for drunk).  See: Taradise.

Point: Mischa Barton. In the realm of acting, Mischa Barton is a fail.  At least Tara Reid’s slew of vapid, slutty characters are entertaining.

Fashion
Mischa Barton wears some pretty awesome stuff.  I’ve actually opened up the style section of a magazine and seen her there (the good part of the style section, not the losers section).  She takes chances and it pays off.  Not always, though…we’ve had some pretty awful situations involving vintage items, mini dresses and feathers.  Her foray into headbands has also gotten pretty interesting…

Tara Reid has no style.  Her “style,” as it were, consists of crop tops, glittery things, and denim mini skirts.  I certainly won’t be forgetting the exposed boob incident for a while.  She also seems to be anti-bra, even after her boob job.

Point: Tara Reid. It’s no contest, really.

(Un)classiness
Mischa Barton has been pretty unclassy lately, what with her boozin’ and partyin’.  At least she checked into rehab (finally!) after one too many shots of her looking like a certifiably crazy person with a really puffy face.  Oh, and let’s not forget her 2007 arrest for drunk driving (without a license).  Classy, girl.

Tara Reid just oozes class skankiness.  That girl is an a bikini 90% of the time, swigging something from a bottle (but not eating…never eating).  She’s done her time in rehab, but her reputation as a boozehound isn’t leaving her anytime soon.  See again: Taradise.

Point: Tara Reid. Not classy.  Anti-classy.

Love Life
Mischa Barton dates musicians.  Seriously – if you’re in an indie rock band and are based somewhere in the UK, you probably have a pretty good chance of getting with Mischa Barton (lucky you).  That is, when she gets out of rehab.

Tara Reid has dated every football player ever (only a slight exaggeration) and a generous sprinkling of other men have decorated her arm over the years.  I guess guys really do go for those party-girl types.  I’m gonna go get my drink on and test this theory out…

Point: Tara Reid. Maybe if she worked more and spent less time romping around random beaches she’d be less of a whore.  Maybe.

Gossip Presence
Mischa Barton has been huge in the gossip columns lately: is she suicidal? Will she still have a role on the new CW show after her stint in rehab?  Where is she getting all of these headbands?  Very important stuff.

Tara Reid really isn’t doing much of anything and it shows:  she isn’t in any gossip column.  When she does appear, it’s mostly following comments that are surprised to find she still exists (but not at all surprised that she’s sloppy and drunk and…sticky).

Point: Mischa Barton. She is definitely being talked about, what with this whole rehab/new TV show thing going on.  Tara…only wishes she had something newsworthy about her.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Tara Reid. Just bow out peacefully and go seclude yourself on some beach so you don’t accidentally brush up against anyone and rub off your fake tan/greasiness.

A friend of a friend of mine once told me that she didn’t see me as the “relationship girl”.“I see you more as the girl who goes to the bar to find random guys to bring home,” she told me. At first I didn’t know what to think. Was she calling me a skanky whore?

“Well, yes. That is exactly what I am calling you.”

The more I thought about it, though, the more I could understand. Our friendship hadn’t extended much past seeing each other at bars or parties, places where I do indeed spend my evening flirting with unsuspecting males.

What this girl (and other people) doesn’t see are the intimate talks I have with these men in my room, and my attempts to turn these randoms into something more. For example, the following story:

I was at a house party one night and found myself attracted to a tall man across the room. Being a woman of 5’10 it is not always easy to find someone taller than me, so when I do I am drawn to them like a stoner to a cupcake. I sipped my beer as I struck up a conversation with that evening’s man. Soon, we were making out in a corner, something I swore I’d never do after freshman year. Eh, what can ya do?

Anyways, the man ended up leaving, but not before attempting to give me his number. Unfortunately, while he was in the bathroom I found another tall man to love and his attempts at something more had failed.

For the next five weeks, however, this boy was everywhere I went. I just couldn’t escape him: at the bar, at the gym, sitting outside my window. I realized that maybe I should give him a chance, that maybe for the first time in college I could have something last longer than twenty seven minutes.

So, for the next few weeks I flirted with Jon whenever I saw him and thought I was making some good headway. On one particular night I got all dressed up and made my way to my favorite bar (which also happened to be his) hoping to bring him home. When I walked in and saw his roommates across the room I tousled my hair, adjusted my breasts and made my way over.

“Hey, where is Jon?”

“Uh. He has to be at work early in the morning,” his roommate chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Well, it’s just that Jon doesn’t really do this whole relationship thing. He is not really committal.” I was devastated. First of all, this whole thing started because he was pursuing me! Second, I really took a chance and tried to make this go somewhere and instead I got totally burned.

In my moment of defeat I turned to the bartender, flashed a little cleavage and ordered a pitcher. Five minutes later the pitcher was gone, I was no longer angry, and everyone in the bar had grown extremely attractive…especially Jon’s roommate.

He looked good the next morning too.

And the next weekend.

Two nights. My longest relationship yet.

First, the world had to deal with Bratz. Strange, big headed dolls with too much make-up and really skanky outfits. Dolls that—as far as I can tell—are totally aimed at creating 4th grade fashion disasters.

Besides making it seem cool to be so skinny your head looks like a watermelon, Bratz embody insipidness, sluttiness, and vapidness, limiting girls’ imaginations to taking their dolls to the “mall”, buying their dolls “stuff”, and seeing how many times their doll is mistaken for a hooker on the doll sidewalk.

Gone are the days when girls would be satisfied with a long, frilly pink dress for their dolls. Gone are the innocent one-piece bathing suits and “career” outfits. Now, thigh high stockings, tiny shirts, and skirts so short you can totally almost see plastic doll butt are all the rage.

Illustrating this disgusting theory even further is Barbie’s—or rather, Mattell’s—answer to the Bratz dynasty: My Scene Barbie.

Finding their way into Happy Meals until later this month, My Scene Barbies are almost exact replicas of the slutty toys they’re trying to imitate, except that their eyes have a slightly more “coked-out” expression and their lips look as though a collagen injection went horribly wrong.

My Scene Barbies wear their short outfits with pride, carrying a barrage of fashion “accessories” that include hooker heels and mock couture purses with a little dog stuffed inside.

Basically, we’re teaching little girls to dress and act like Paris Hilton.

Which makes me too depressed to type any longer.

What do you do on a Sunday morning when you’re seriously hungover and jonesing to dish on last night’s juicy gossip from the Kiss on the Lips party?You brunch.

And, obvs, when the elite mix brunch with alcohol with DRAMA shit goes down. And, oh did it go down.

With the Serena and Dan monumental hand holding last week, there were sure to be some significant hand moments in episode 2. And oh, did they deliver.

There was the wave that Dan gave Serena at the end of their date. I KNOW. A wave? Come on, Dan!

Serena was perplexed as well. And Dan felt he had blown all chances so he ends up at the Palace waiting for Serena to explain why he was so nervous and waved instead of totally sucking her face.

Meanwhile, Serena goes over to Blair’s for their requisite Sunday morning caps, croissants and Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Blair lets Serena in on the news that she knows about Serena and Nate totally DOING IT on a bar at a wedding a year ago. (Classy, Serena!)

So, the whole gang ends up back at the Palace for Chuck’s Dad’s benefit brunch and Blair is not happy to see Serena there, who of course, brought Dan along to pad the horrific event anyways. They all end up in some dramatic circle scuffle where Blair totally tells Dan that Serena is a backstabbing whore and Dan’s like, “WTF bitch? I’m outtie.“

It would have been more awesome, though, if instead of Dan “realizing” Serena was just like the rest of the kids she used to be “friends” with he was like, “I like my women skanky!” and totes took Serena out of the party.

Instead they all ended up alone, Jenny staring at herself as she tries on one of Blair’s mother’s dresses that Blair gifted her (is Jenny the next to join the Blair Bitch posse?), Dan contemplating love on his badass Williamsburg fire escape and Serena throwing away her old cellie complete with BFF pics of days ggone by.

Sigh.

The only people not alone at the end of the day?

Blair and Nate who are found snuggling and having their own uber significant hand-holding moment where his gesture says “If you don’t forgive me my dad’s totally going to kill me” and her’s says “I’m lost and alone without you even though you totally f*cked my best friend“.

Serena’s mom is totally dating Chuck’s dad on the sly, by the way. Even though (like father, like son) he can’t seem to get rid of his 25 year old floozies.

And then there’s Chuck. Who I’m pretty sure is the only one to really have the right idea about it all anyways. The guy knows there isn’t much besides booze and bitches. Oh and his signature scarf.

Oh, Chuck you’re such a manwhore. I love you.

Until next week!