Sometimes your girls can tell you more about yourself than you’d ever realize. A few weeks ago, my friend Monie pointed out that she thinks I have the dreaded light vs. dark skin complex. “What’s that,” you ask? She thinks that I’m not comfortable and confident with my dark brown hue.

“You only crush on fair skinned guys, white guys or Hispanic guys,” she said over coffee. “You realize that it’s because you have an issue with yourself, right?”

Umm, what? At first, I was taken aback. I think I know my own issues – all 456,930 of them. But then I really took some time to think about what she noticed.

When I attended elementary school in New York, my skin color was never a problem with my peers. I was never self-conscious about it. New York City is the melting pot, after all – I had classmates that represented all corners of the world. Besides, the kids picked on plenty of other things. When I moved to the South, everything changed. I was introduced to offensive terms like “redbone” and “midnight.” The most popular girls happened to have light skin and long, “good” hair. It was a trend that stayed consistent until I graduated high school. I never realized that the preferential treatment of those girls affected me until now.

Hold on, guys. It’s about to get real.

The light skin > dark skin mentality was drilled into my brain subconsciously, starting in grade school. I’d suck my lips in to make them look smaller, pinch my nose to make it thinner, obsess over my cornrowed and beaded hair to make it appear longer and beg my mother for liquid foundation so I could be “prettier.” The guys who preferred lighter girls in school were just like the musicians I listened to or the actors I watched on television – anytime they appeared in a music video or a movie premier, a caramel-colored honey was nearby.

I’m learning that this is a global issue. My Spanish teacher, a beautiful woman from Panama, says that skin color affects her culture as well. Dark-hued people are workers and considered to be at the very bottom. Light-hued people are “better”…they have better jobs, live in better houses and drive better cars.

So maybe my friend was right, partially. I do have issues with complexion. Or did. I’m beginning to acknowledge those grade school insecurities. But looking back helps me love and appreciate the skin I’m in.

CollegeCandy, do you face any cultural hang ups when it comes to dating? How do you deal?

[Lead image via George Dolgikh/Shutterstock]

Online dating services want to know. When you fill out a profile, they’ll often ask you questions about what kind of people you prefer to date, including questions regarding ethnicity. They seem innocent enough…but are they?

I had a really thought-provoking conversation about it with a friend the other day. “I was sitting behind somebody who was filling out an online dating application,” she said, “and they put down that they preferred not to date Asian people.”

“Yeah?” I said.

“I couldn’t believe it!” she went on. “I thought that was the most racist thing I had ever seen!”

And I couldn’t believe she thought that. “You’re kidding, right?” I said. “People are allowed to have preferences about the looks of the people they date. It’s not racist.”

I can’t remember what the results of our discussion were, but I do remember how intrigued I was by the thought that ethnicity-related preference questions were such a hot topic. She really got me thinking. Were the questions themselves racist? Was somebody who didn’t want to date people in a specific ethnic group really racist?

Here’s what I think. If you like tall guys, you can mark down on your profile that you like tall guys. Some online dating services even let you specify the exact height of the guy you want to date. OK. So if you can specify height…why not race? If you don’t want to date a short person, why can’t you say that you don’t want to date a white person?

If you don’t want to date white people, all that’s saying is that you generally don’t find white people attractive. It’s not saying that you think there’s anything wrong with them, and it’s not saying that you have anything against them. And I’m sure many people would own up to the fact that there are exceptions to every rule.

Even if tall guys float your boat, you might acknowledge that you could fall madly in love with a short person. And even if you don’t think most Asian guys are hot, there just might be one for you out there.

So, is it racist to have ethnic dating preferences? I don’t think so. Some people like chocolate, hate vanilla, and feel mixed about mint chip. It’s all a matter of taste.

CC readers, what do YOU think?

Before I go any further, I’m going to offer up a disclaimer: a lot of people don’t stare. Most people don’t even give a second look. And I don’t assume that those who do are staring only because we’re an interracial couple…but it sure does seem the most likely reason.

Honestly, when I started dating him, I was expecting the most conservative of the conservative white folk to be the ones who stared. As much as we’re living in the 21st century here, interracial relationships are still a little too futuristic for some people.

So imagine my surprise when it turned out to be all the Indians who stared.

I guess it makes sense. My boyfriend says that the predominant Indian view is that American girls/guys are dangerous because they would date an Indian for only one of two reasons: the money (?!), or because they think they love the Indian, but they are actually going to divorce later, because that’s what Americans do.

Plus, it’s still completely common and encouraged for Indian couples to have arranged marriages. While I don’t knock the idea, an arranged marriage is a horrifying thought for me personally (and for my boyfriend as well). But knowing the background makes it a little easier to understand the staring…an arranged marriage would definitely take place between and Indian and an Indian, and not an Indian and a white girl.

While it’s a little weird to get stared at, I don’t mind it too much. It actually makes me feel proud: I feel like I’m standing up for myself, for my boyfriend, and for what I think true love actually looks like.

I do wonder why I don’t see more interracial couples around, though. Maybe other CC readers can shed some light on that for me. Are interracial couples rare just because like-looking people tend to end up in the same places, or for some other reason? I’d really like to know.