So the other day I was watching old episodes of 90210 (don’t judge!) that I had DVRed and never got around to watching when it came time for the commercial  break. I looked around for the remote so I could fast forward right through (per usual), but it was all the way on the other side of the room. And I was so comfy in my cocoon of my blankets to make the long trek…. so I decided to just let it be.

I’d watch the commercials for once.

And let me tell you something, I will never do that again. Because a lot of the commercials today? Well, they’re pretty terrible. What are these marketing people thinking? What are the companies thinking? How can they spend millions on this stuff??

10. Flo from Progressive. There’s nothing outright annoying and ridiculous about this commercial except, you know, Flo herself. Who wouldn’t want an overly perky woman in white who wears way too much lipstick and looks like she should be in a Bumpit commercial for their spokesperson? Who would find her annoying? Um, me.

9. Honda’s Mr. Opportunity I’m sorry but why would they think that a cartoon sketch of a sleazy car salesman would be any better at selling cars than an actual sleazy car salesman?

8. McDonalds R&B McNugget Commercial. Girl you got a ten piece, don’t be stingy. Really? This is what they’re going with? An R&B singer crying over the fact that his girlfriend has snuck off in the night, in the rain, in heels, to go pick up a ten piece of McCripsy, McJuicy McNuggets? Whatever happened to ‘we love to see you smile,’ huh, McDonalds? Read More »

While Halloween now is more closely associated with finding a (slutty) costume and drinking Halloween inspired beverages, as a kid, there was nothing better than going door to door loading up on enough candy to last you till the 4th of July.Only problem is, my mom – the smart woman that she is – knew her life would be torturous through July if she let her three hyper children keep that much sugar around.

So every year, my two older brothers and I would have to dump all of our coveted, prized candy into the middle of the table. My mother then carefully separated the candy into piles – Milky Ways in one pile, Twix in another, Candy Corn in another, and so on. She then handed a bucket to each of us and, one by one, we would go around taking our pick and filling our buckets.

Once they were filled, the rest of the candy went to inner-city kids whose neighborhoods were too dangerous to trick-or-treat in (which now I see was a very noble thing but at the time I couldn’t understand why they deserved my candy gold. After all, I spent three long hours in the cold with clown makeup on my face, saying stupid poems at people’s doors while they filled my bag up with all that deliciousness). Read More »

If I look out my living room window I can see American Apparel. When I peruse my favorite websites, I am bombarded with the girls only partially dressed in American Apparel clothes. When I need a white tank top because I spilled salsa on mine, I head to the nearest American Apparel.

In other words, I know American Apparel.

Their stores are chock full of ridiculous things I would never wear, but they also happen to carry some seriously awesome essentials. You may have to pick through the sparkly unitards to find em, but they are most definitely worth the work. Don’t know what to look for? That’s why I am here.

I give you: The Best Things (EVER) at American Apparel. Read More »

I’m not a big make-up girl. I mean, I don’t really leave the house without a little bit of blush and eyeliner and tinted lip balm, but any kind of heavy concealer or shadow looks stupid on me, and I always, always, always get that shit in my eyes. No matter what. Mascara is also my enemy.

Thank god I have long enough eyelashes, because I just can’t bare the old stinging sensation when it somehow manages (and it always does) to get into my contacts.

But for all my naturalistic ways, I can’t say I’d be happy with using Skittles and Crystal Light to make myself pretty. Thank God I have the freedom to go to the drugstore. The inmates at the Charlotte County Jail aren’t so lucky. They’ve gotta improvise.

“We get some hair grease stuff and put it on our lips.” An inmate recently told reporters, “The ink pens that I have, we use as the eyeliner. This is coffee, the eye shadow. We use the glitter from cards, so thank goodness people send cards with glitter on them.” Read More »