I’d watch the commercials for once.

And let me tell you something, I will never do that again. Because a lot of the commercials today? Well, they’re pretty terrible. What are these marketing people thinking? What are the companies thinking? How can they spend millions on this stuff??

10. Flo from Progressive. There’s nothing outright annoying and ridiculous about this commercial except, you know, Flo herself. Who wouldn’t want an overly perky woman in white who wears way too much lipstick and looks like she should be in a Bumpit commercial for their spokesperson? Who would find her annoying? Um, me.

9. Honda’s Mr. Opportunity I’m sorry but why would they think that a cartoon sketch of a sleazy car salesman would be any better at selling cars than an actual sleazy car salesman?

8. McDonalds R&B McNugget Commercial. Girl you got a ten piece, don’t be stingy. Really? This is what they’re going with? An R&B singer crying over the fact that his girlfriend has snuck off in the night, in the rain, in heels, to go pick up a ten piece of McCripsy, McJuicy McNuggets? Whatever happened to ‘we love to see you smile,’ huh, McDonalds?

7. The Freecreditreport.com Song Oh, make it stop. Make. it. stop! I don’t know what it says about America that this commercial campaign was so successful that they actually ended up making nine (nine!) freecreditreport.com commercials with the singer dressed up as a pirate, riding a bike, and even living at a renaissance fair.

6.The Optimum Triple Play Commerical 877-393-4468. I will remember that number even when I can’t remember my own name. I’ve got to hand it to them, that jingle was catchy, still is even now when I hear it in the newer versions of this commercial. You know, the ones without the half naked mermaids and the dancing pimp.

5. The Swiffer Baby Come Back Commercial  Okay. Hmm. What’s the word I’m looking for? Corny? Cheesy? Obnoxious? Annoying? How about all of the above.

4. Boost Mobile Commercial I would really love to know what it was exactly they were trying to do with this commercial. A little kid dressed up like a dog and stuck in a cage? Yes, obviously if they were going to cut back on costs that would be the way to go. Was it supposed to be funny? Well…it wasn’t.

3. The Skittle Tree Boy Commercial Another one that I guess was supposed to be funny but really just fell flat. The mother and her “stop talking about dreams, we depend on you” approach came off as really, really creepy to me. Really creepy. But entertaining? Not so much.

2. The Swiffer Mud and Dirt Commercial  I didn’t think anything could top my dislike of “baby come back,” but, oh boy, was I wrong. Mud and dirt turn out to be two single gals just waiting around for the perfect mop to come along an sweep ‘em (har har) off their feet? What audience were they trying to target here, exactly?  Because I can tell ya as a single gal I really don’t spend all that much time thinking about cleaning supplies.

1. Old Navy Mannequins  Every time this commercial would come on I would cringe. With each new addition it just got more absurd. Talking mannequins. Dating mannequins. Super model mannequins. Suburban mannequins. How could they possibly let this continue? How could they possibly build on such a ridiculous concept? Why wasn’t this pulled off the air immediately? Why did it run for so long?? Why am I wearing Old Navy sweatpants right now?!

Here’s the thing, though, despite the fact that these commercials are really, really terrible, I still remember all of them. So maybe there’s a method to the madness? Huh.

What about you? Which commercials do you hate the most? 

While Halloween now is more closely associated with finding a (slutty) costume and drinking Halloween inspired beverages, as a kid, there was nothing better than going door to door loading up on enough candy to last you till the 4th of July.Only problem is, my mom – the smart woman that she is – knew her life would be torturous through July if she let her three hyper children keep that much sugar around.

So every year, my two older brothers and I would have to dump all of our coveted, prized candy into the middle of the table. My mother then carefully separated the candy into piles – Milky Ways in one pile, Twix in another, Candy Corn in another, and so on. She then handed a bucket to each of us and, one by one, we would go around taking our pick and filling our buckets.

Once they were filled, the rest of the candy went to inner-city kids whose neighborhoods were too dangerous to trick-or-treat in (which now I see was a very noble thing but at the time I couldn’t understand why they deserved my candy gold. After all, I spent three long hours in the cold with clown makeup on my face, saying stupid poems at people’s doors while they filled my bag up with all that deliciousness).

Going around that table, each taking our turn, made our piles of crack candy like a game of Monopoly. 100 Grand (because of its rarity) was like Park Place, while Apple Sauce (I mean really WHO GIVES OUT APPLE SAUCE ON HALLOWEEN?!) was like Baltic Ave. Having spent so much time pouring over every. last. piece of candy, I think I’ve become somewhat of an expert. So, I bring you my list of the all time Top 5 BEST Halloween Trick-or Treat Treats.

1) 100 Grand: It’s like a Nestle crunch bar meets a Milky Way meets Amazingness.

2) Peanut Butter Twix and Peanut Butter M&Ms. No explanation needed.

3) Double Stuffed Oreo’s with the Bright Orange Frosting. I’m not even sure if they make these anymore, but nothing says childhood like playing the Oreo game.

4) Skittles. The non chocolate version of M&Ms. Note to self: Don’t stick them up your nose…

5) Whatchamacallits. Mainly because I love the name and still find it slipping into my vocabulary. You know, while playing games of Concentration or jumping around on my Skip-It.

And an honorary spot has to go out to any big candy bar given. Those houses were the BEST. They were few and far between, but they were total jackpots. I bet if you drove through your old neighborhood now you could point out the houses that gave out the full sized Snickers.

Oh and I totally ate those before I got home, or hid them in my room… it took too much room up in the bucket and there was no way those other children were getting their paws on that treasure.

What are your favorites?

In other words, I know American Apparel.

Their stores are chock full of ridiculous things I would never wear, but they also happen to carry some seriously awesome essentials. You may have to pick through the sparkly unitards to find em, but they are most definitely worth the work. Don’t know what to look for? That’s why I am here.

I give you: The Best Things (EVER) at American Apparel.

1. The Vest

I bought the vest last summer and it’s still around. I remember the sales guy and I agreeing that the vest was “smart.” The vest is reversible and goes well with just about everything and is an easy way to spice up a rather boring ensemble. I pair it with a fitted tank, skinny jeans, flats and some bangles. Simple and stylin’ cuz that’s how I roll.

2. The Intimate

When a co-worker rocked a strapless top I asked her how she kept the ladies up so nicely. Everyone knows it’s hard to find a great strapless bra. She told me it was American Apparel! Yup. So I went shopping and bought three. The bandeau top layrs nicely under any kind of shirt and comes in more colors than your bag of Skittles. Just don’t jump/dance too hard or your support will ends up around your waist.

3. The Dress

The Sheer Jersey Bandeau Dress is pretty much amazing. There really is no other way to describe it. This thing can be worn a billion different ways! (They even have a video to teach you all the snazzy things you can do with it.) Really, this dress is like 15 dresses in one, which means anyone can wear it for any occassion. Genius, I tell you. GENIUS!

4. The T-Shirt

In morning you can fight with your boyfriend over who wears this one. The Unisex Tri-Blend Short Sleeve tee is soo comfortable and yet still sexy. The deep v-neck gives intrigue to the eye and the loose fit shows off curves while leaving something to the imagination. You can take this thing from class straight to the club! To say I am obsessed is a major understatement.

5. The Legging

I didn’t want to put the American Apparel leggings on this list, but due to the fact that I am currently wearing them, I realize that they had to make the cut. Leggings can be stylish or functional, so they are a definite closet necessity. And with the awesome three pack, you can stock up for super cheap.

Watch the dollars when you shop at American Apparel, they go quickly! And if you’re shopping online, the sizes tend to run a little small, but I think that’s the point.

Thank god I have long enough eyelashes, because I just can’t bare the old stinging sensation when it somehow manages (and it always does) to get into my contacts.

But for all my naturalistic ways, I can’t say I’d be happy with using Skittles and Crystal Light to make myself pretty. Thank God I have the freedom to go to the drugstore. The inmates at the Charlotte County Jail aren’t so lucky. They’ve gotta improvise.

“We get some hair grease stuff and put it on our lips.” An inmate recently told reporters, “The ink pens that I have, we use as the eyeliner. This is coffee, the eye shadow. We use the glitter from cards, so thank goodness people send cards with glitter on them.”

“The lips are Crystal Light and the blush is Crystal Light” explains another inmate, explaining the use of “fake-up” is a way to feel human and womanly behind bars. “Basically just being here for so long you’ll find a way to look pretty”.

As a kid, I remember rubbing candy on my lips in an imitation of lipstick, and painting my nails with markers before my mom would let me buy polish, but I can’t imagine doing that sort of thing now. It may help the inmates feel better on the inside, but it seems outright sad to me, like a half-hearted attempt at reclaiming some kind of real world freedom. I’m sure the sugary residue makes it very clear at the end of the day where these ladies really are.

I’ll stick with Neutrogena and obeying the law, thank you very much.