The difference between the girl with a remarkable man and the girl with a remarkable number of STDs manifests itself in a woman’s character. Of course too much cleavage and sexual activity can also play into this realm of whoredom, but these aspects are not nearly as important as how a sexy woman carries herself. To be sexy (and not whore-y), a woman has to be filled with playfulness, sexual entendres/innuendos, and mystery. In short, she must master the art of the tease.

I don’t need to tell you what a whore is. In fact, you have probably already seen the bottom half of her ass sticking out of her way-too-short “dress.” She’s the one slurring her words at the club or messing around in the upper bedroom at the house party. We all know what she is (not) wearing and whom she has slept with. Now the more important question is: how do we avoid being her?

Mastering Playfulness:

A tease doesn’t need to rock a mid-drift and sky-high heels to get attention. (She gets too much of it already.) Instead, she gains and maintains a man’s attention through extreme amounts of playfulness. This can take place in numerous scenarios. Simply by turning her body, making eye contact, and smiling, she has already made the first move. If the man has enough guts, he will approach her. It’s just that simple.

After obtaining a man’s interest, a tease walks the fine line between approachable and unobtainable. Think: “Sure you can flirt me, but that doesn’t mean you’re going home with me.” This can be accomplished through coy behavior and the right amount of provoking. Put him down a little. Make harmless fun of him. Warning: it is important to do this about meaningless topics (like his favorite football team or love for girlie martinis, not his baby beer gut or the way his ears stick out), maintain a smile, and keep an “I’m just kidding,” attitude the entire time. The goal is not to piss the guy off, but to encourage him to play along.

You’re from Italy? Oh, you know what they say about Italians, don’t you?

[These are best played with a little push or nudge to add physical contact.]

Mastering Sexual Entendres & Innuendos:

The English language is filled with suggestive vocabulary. From “large” and “hard” to “wet” and “fast”, words with double meanings are great for throwing into casual conversation. A tease wants to imply “sex” without explicitly saying anything about it. It is vital to leave him wondering: “Did she mean to refer that or am I just imagining it?”

What are you doing tonight? You know I am always up for anything.

Overall, the point is to get the man thinking of sex without knowing you are thinking the same thing. But make sure to keep a balance. If you start coming off as too forward, make sure to mention that you are going to a baseball game with Steve later in the week, “forget” to answer one of his text messages, or leave early in a conversation. Men like competition and it is always important for a tease to leave before she is left.

Will you excuse me for a second? My friend, John, just walked in and I need to go say hello.

[Constantly switching from sexual flirtation and pulling away will keep him wanting more!]

Mastering Mystery:

Never give too much away! The more secrets a woman appears to have, the more interesting she becomes. This can be accomplished by refusing to give complete answers to questions or by returning his questions back to him.

I had a dream about you last night. I can’t tell you about it here. But it was a good dream!

Generally, a tease wants to leave most of the work to his imagination. If she is showing off the girls, she’ll cover up with some blue-jeans. If she is rocking her legs, she’ll cover up with a conservative top. Nothing is ever too-low, too-short, or too-explicit. A tease wants to leave a man needing to see more of her. She is Alluring. Confident. Sexy.

But definitely, absolutely not a whore.

[This post was originally written by Ashley - University of Michigan]

It’s finally here: Halloweekend 2011. And though many choose to witty, creative or innovative with their costumes (like building a fully-functioning digital camera costume), most choose to simply…wear less. But Nicole Richie is not okay with that option.

“Girls, can we all pledge that we will not dress slutty for this Halloween?” she posted on her Facebook page earlier this week. “The jig is up!”

Hm, who exactly is the “jig” up for? Maybe Nicole thinks it’s completely unacceptable for 30-year-old mothers to parade around on Halloween in color little-to-nothings for fun. Nicole Richie used to be Paris’ sexy sidekick when out on the town and farming in the middle of nowhere, and maybe motherhood has simply moved her on to another phase of her life. One that involves wearing more fabric than others toward the end of the month of October.

But even more so, are slutty Halloween costumes putting us as women back a few steps as we allow others to openly objectify us without shame? Or, like an annual SlutWalk across campuses nationwide, are we refusing to set ourselves up as a target for sexual violence and actually exercising our right to our bodies, our sexuality and how we are seen by others? Guys get to do it ALL THE TIME and it rarely reflects negatively on their character in the ways that dressing up as a “sexy ____” does. Because hey, it’s Halloween, which means we get to have fun and pretend to be something we’re not. So even if I look like a little skanky or slutty or whatever other supposedly derogatory adjective that seems to be a connection between clothing choices and sexual female behavior, it doesn’t mean I am actually a skank or a slut, just like anyone who dresses up as Lady Gaga or a camera or Toy Story’s Woody character is not actually any of those things. So no matter what my costume is this year, I refuse to feel guilty for playing dress up, even if it doesn’t involve wearing a dress at all.

What do you think? Whose side are you on: Nicole’s or mine?  Should slutty Halloweens seriously be over for all women, even if it’s your first one?

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One of the easiest ways to send me into a rage blackout is to start slut shaming anyone.

Our society has incredibly dysfunctional, scary, and repressive ways of approaching sexuality, especially female sexuality. If we dare to step outside those narrowly defined boundaries, society finds it completely acceptable to hurl words like “slut” and “whore” at us. We’re called sluts for endless reasons: our hair is too big, our nails are too red, we wear too much glitter, our skirts are too short, we look like we may enjoy giving blow jobs, we dance too suggestively, our sense is humor is too raunchy, we like casual sex, we talk about sex, we’re not ashamed of our breasts and vaginas…the list could go on for ever. We all know a lot of men who hate women, and will find any excuse to brand women as sluts.

But there are far too many women who openly buy into those standards and hyper-judge other women.

The other day, I read a CC article giving advice on how to be sexy and not whorey. This attitude merely perpetuates the idea that women can’t openly enjoy sex. Indicating you enjoy sex doesn’t mean you want to have sex with everyone, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re reckless and riddled with sexually transmitted diseases. (Sidebar: 80 percent of sexually active adults will contract at least one STD in their lifetime, so maybe we should stop stigmatizing them). And maybe women wear high heels because they make our legs look long and give us an extra boost of fierce confidence, not because we’re walking street corners hoping to lure some sucker into paying $50 for a BJ. And perhaps we wear cropped shirts because our stomachs may never be this flat and toned again, so why not relish it and show it off?

And if we meet a new love interest and we’re interested in dating/sexytimes, why wouldn’t we want to tell him (or her) the deal and get the ball rolling? Personally, I hate subtlety when it comes to courtship. I don’t enjoy wasting my time trying to decipher signals. If I were talking to a guy who was being all coy and cagey and mentioned that he was hanging out with other girls and started negging me, just so I wouldn’t think that he wasn’t that interested in me? I’d strut off in my stilettos to find a guy who is not afraid to tell me he likes me, and I would definitely extend the same courtesy. Life is way too short to play silly mind games, especially if you’re only playing them for fear of being labeled a slut.

In my dream world, loaded terms like “slut” and “whore” would be completely eradicated from our vocabularies. They only exist to stifle brazen female expressions of sexuality (it’s telling that there are no equivalent words in the English language to describe male behavior). Society has been trying to silence and suppress women for ages, and there is no reason for women to continue to perpetuate this cycle. It’s time that we all embrace the fact that some women are loud, unashamed, and don’t give a f*ck. Teases and sluts and prudes and everyone in-between should all be able to co-exist free from the catty remarks of other women. Let’s leave the misogyny to the crappy, clueless, insensitive guys out there.

Hi Dude,

I recently met a great guy through one of my best friends from college. We hit it off right away, and really get along and have a good time together. One night, we all went back to their other friend’s house and slept there after the bars, where Boy and I just made out. No drunken hookup – I thought that was good! In the past, I got suckered into the drunken one-night stands, etc, and realized that no real relationship usually comes from those types of encounters. In the morning, things were great, but he didn’t get my number; however, he did ask my friend multiple questions about me and she told me that he is really shy when it comes to girls. We all went out again last night, and I ended up going back to his house to sleep. Once again, we only made out and slept together. Literally.

I am wondering — I actually kind of like this guy, and I am afraid of falling back into the drunken hookup cycle. Even though we are not having sex, or doing anything for that matter, is it still seen as “slutty” to go home with the guy, even if we are just making out? I figure he kind of likes me, as he doesn’t even really push the issue of having sex and we really enjoy each other’s company – sober and drunk. My question: at what point do guys think of a girl as a drunken “slut?” I hope I didn’t blow it with him already!

Thanks for your help!
Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,
Here’s how a guy knows if a girl is a drunken slut: If she has a history of having sex with guys, within the first 2 times they’ve met, and she’s drunk every time. Then she does it with him.

Simple, isn’t it? Yep. Not a lot of mystery there.  And by the way, I’ve known several drunken sluts who were lovely women…and I’m not saying that because I slept with them. I didn’t. By choice…okay not usually my choice…awkward moment…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand MOVING ON!

I suggest you put your fears to rest. What you’re doing is breaking your pattern. You’ve walked into foreign territory. You’re scared of repeating past mistakes. Completely understandable and to be expected. However, now that you can be reassured that you aren’t repeating those mistakes, you have to work on quieting your insecurity. If you don’t…you’ll blow him it.

Hanging out and making out with guys after parties could be put in the student conduct book for almost every freaking college! It sounds like you’re exploring your sexuality and trying to figure out what way leads to intimacy. Most discover the one night stand route is a dead end. For some, a dead end is exactly the road they want all of their “relationships” to be headed. For others, they make a detour when they see the signs to exit at “DRUNKEN HOOK UP.” As long as you’re acting safely (contraception, making sure a friend knows where you are, have evidence he’s not a psycho or rapist or psycho-rapist) and consensually (NO MEANS NO!), then I’d say your conduct with this guy has been quite becoming from his point of view.

Shy guys dream of finding a gal that goes right for the gonads. They can’t make the first move. That’s what makes them frustrating as H-E-double hockey sticks (for further reading on shy guys check out last week’s column: How Do I Handle A Shy Guy?).  I doubt you’ve sabotaged yourself. After all, he did take you home, twice. Plus he didn’t drop your ass when you didn’t put out. Sounds like he likes you!

If you obsess about what could go wrong, you’ll forget to enjoy what’s going right. You’ll just keep anticipating how to fix problems that haven’t arisen yet. Which will drain all of the potential from what you have know. Just take it one night at a time.

Don’t freak out,
The Dude

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

In the world of journalism, that, my friends, is called a question lede. I’m supposed to spend the rest of this article trying to answer that question, but honestly I can’t make any promises. You see, that question has been in my mind for a while now, and I can’t seem to figure it out. Why do people care about someone’s “magic number,” and why is a person’s morality level judged by how many sexual partners they’ve had?

Historically speaking, it’s understandable why chastity and virginity were important. Without any kind of protection, getting pregnant or catching a disease was very much a reality. Virginity was maintained until marriage because no one wanted to catch a disease from their future spouse. Which is fair enough, really.

But those reasons are mainly invalid in modern times; we have condoms to save us from diseased genitals and unwanted fetuses. So long as sex is protected, it really shouldn’t matter how many people have been involved. Sex with multiple partners (not necessarily at the same time…) is often frowned upon as being immoral and looked at as being a “sin of the flesh” – but what is so immoral about it? No one is getting hurt and no one is being damaged. So long as the people involved are consenting and protected, there really is nothing immoral about it.

From a religious perspective, we’re told chastity is important because “every time you have sex with someone, you’re giving a little piece of yourself away. If you continue to have sex, once you get married, there won’t be any of you left.” Well, what Christians seem to overlook is that love causes one to lose way more of themselves than sex does. Every time you get your heart broken – every time you give your heart to someone – that person gets part of you, whether sex is involved or not.  And yet, the faithful don’t warn against falling in love. It’s not a sin to fall in love, only to have sex. But love is much more powerful and potentially harmful than sex. How does that make sense? Oh wait, it doesn’t! And besides, if someone didn’t want to marry you because they thought you slept with “too many” people, is that really the type of close-minded person you would want to spend the rest of your life with anyways?

Choosing not to have sex with multiple partners is a personal choice — and one that is as fair as choosing to sleep around. I’m only offering a different point a view. I’m not saying one should wrack up notches on a bedpost, but I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t. We should have a handle on our own moral compasses, not get them from old-school teachings that tell us that sex is immoral, sinful, dirty, and wrong. If you have so many notches that your bed is barely existent — you are no less moral than someone who has waited until marriage. Believe it or not, who we have sex with doesn’t make us who we are.

Everyone has a choice as to how many people they have sex with. But that choice shouldn’t be looked down upon because it’s immoral or wrong, because it is neither. Keep sex safe, keep it consensual, but don’t keep it up on the nonsensical pedestal where it’s been for centuries. Look at it this way — I guarantee that no one has been on his or her deathbed at 90 years old thinking, “Jeeze, I wish I had sex with fewer people.”

But after I have seen writers on CollegeCandy post in a Tucker Max-esque fashion and get bashed for it, I have been turned me off to the idea of writing my own book altogether.  And the comments on CollegeCandy’s recent post on Tucker Max only added fuel to the flame, as readers uncharacteristically turned the other cheek to his antics. The writer’s opinion was that Max and his antics are misogynistic and simply not funny. But the majority of the comments on the post begged to differ.

“I read every single story on the Tucker Max website about 4 years ago…and they were hilarious to me. And I’m a girl with self-respect who would never want to be someone featured in a story like that, but I don’t feel bad for those women. It was their decision to sleep with him and he happened to get some great stories out of it. I understand that a lot of people don’t appreciate smut humor..but obviously a lot of people do (including A LOT of girls considering that at least half his fan base consists of them).”

“He’s funny because he’s ridiculous. Though you can’t believe all he writes because I’m pretty sure some stories are made up/exaggerated, no one actually lives that kind of life.”

“fat girls ARE NOT real people”

It’s funny that people are so quick to praise Max for his shenanigans, but when other writers on CollegeCandy write similar stories from their own life experiences, comments such as “wow, you’re mother must be proud” litter the cornucopia of holier-than-thou responses. I, myself, have written articles anonymously for CollegeCandy because I know the comments I will receive will be derogatory, no matter how well written, ridiculous and humorous the story may be.

So for people to be so supportive of Max and his quest to document his sexual plight and yet bash other writers for exactly the same content on CollegeCandy is one of the hypocrisies of life that I will despise until my dying day.

If Tucker Max can write about the time a girl vomited on his dick while his buddy videotaped it from inside a closet and we can all laugh and pat him on the back, then why don’t we all ease up a bit when it comes to comical and usually sarcastic posts written on CollegeCandy. My mom may not be proud of me, but that’s not for you to judge.

I like sex. A lot. And while I consider myself to be fairly sexually experienced, I can count my sexual partners on one hand, and the vast majority of my experiences were with someone I was in a long-term relationship with. I am not a slut.

I’ve been seeing the word “slut” thrown around so much lately and I find it totally misleading. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a slut is “a slovenly or promiscuous woman” — in other words, a dirty woman who has sex with a multitude of different partners.

I’ve noticed that there are a few CollegeCandy commenters who target our writers as sluts because they’re sharing their experiences. To those people, I say – have an open mind. Like everything else in this life, everyone has different sexual needs. Some people feel that sex should be shared between two people after marriage, and a person should only have one partner their entire life. Others feel that having one sexual partner for life is impractical and unfulfilling. I challenge you to believe that both are okay.

I would also like to offer to you that there is a difference between being a slut and being a sex-positive female. We live in a society that is smothered in all things sex, but why do we still view the ladies that partake in such activities as whores? While I’m in no way advocating risky, promiscuous sex, I think it needs to be said that SEX IS A GOOD THING, and talking openly about it works to slowly but surely remove the stigma attached to it.

Sure, there really are some sluts out there. Women who have sex with everything that moves in order to fill a void, and have no respect for themselves. But it’s important to remember that the majority of the ladies at the club, in school, or those that write for CollegeCandy do not fit into that category. They enjoy sex for a variety of different reasons and see sex as a positive thing, even if it’s just a one night stand.

Sex is a positive thing.

What I’m saying here, ladies, is that we need to stop calling ourselves, our friends, and those girls in the mini-skirts sluts. It’s not fair and, more importantly, it’s not right. Once we all embrace our sexuality, we make it no longer okay for others to judge our decisions.

We gotta stick together. You with me?

It was a feeling that started with the Ocean’s 11 movie franchise, and then Judd Apatow came along and just knocked it into next week: sometimes I just wish I was part of the boy’s club. I want to drink martinis or beer and talk about chicks and make dirty jokes with my friends all day!

Okay, I’m kidding. Well, half kidding, anyway. It does sound like fun.  But more to the point, it got me thinking about gender roles in a broader sense (because why don’t I like girl’s club movies, a la SATC and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, in the same way?) and I reached the same conclusion: “damn, sometimes I wish I was a guy!”

Women’s roles have changed a lot in recent generations, and for that we can all be very, very grateful.  But there are certain things that get me all hot and bothered in the penis envy department. Let’s start with the simple ones:

1. Gotta pee? Pick a street corner!

2. Too hot out? Take your shirt off!

3. Not in the mood for foreplay? It’s optional!

4. Need a haircut? That’ll be $10, please!

5. Your friend is leaving early, so you’ll be walking home alone? No problem!

Okay, those are the easy ones. And now things get a little more complicated:

The Good

Sex! I. Love. Sex. Yet the player/slut conundrum still plagues us, and that, for me, is one of the most grating. And now that men are getting carte blanche left and right to cheat, with studies and authors validating the long held notion that men have a primal need to sow their oats and create as many offspring as humanly possible for the survival of the species, they’re practically expected to bang everything in sight! Women who do that are either a wee bit slutty or defined as “having sex like a man.” I guess that’s supposed to be a form of reclaiming the sexual standard, but as long as it’s still defined in terms of one gender or another, I don’t think we’ve gotten that far.

Also good: Sex without fear of pregnancy (because I’m sorry, you will never convince me that men worry about this as much as women) would be awesome! How many panicked “I think I might be pregnant” phonecalls/IMs etc have we all gotten from friends in our lifetimes? So, fellas, you had some not-my-best-decision unprotected sex?  No morning after pills for you!

The Bad

Women are programmed to care about others more and think about themselves less, and sometimes it sounds so good to just be totally selfish. Taking other people’s thoughts and feelings into consideration can be exhausting, but at the same time we would be wracked with guilt were we to ignore them! What’s a girl to do?

Also bad: This whole “gender pay gap” issue, still unresolved. The Lilly Ledbetter Act gives us hope, but really? It’s 2009. I understand that we may make less in our lifetimes if we choose to have children and work less, but if we are working the same amount in the same job, we damn well better be getting paid the same amount!

The Ugly

Men can carry a little extra weight, age a little faster, and no one seems to mind. I know these are only things we care about because we live in a society that tells us our physical appearance is a priority, and it is within my power to ignore that if I choose. But the fact that I have to choose is what I’m really addressing. I’m not saying it’s SOOO hard to be a woman because we have to be thin/pretty/ young/smart/successful: we don’t have to be anything. But you cannot go through life being unaware of what these expectations are, and deciding to heed them or not is a choice we all have to make. Men don’t seem to have to make that same decision.

Also ugly: Guys, are you 40 and single? Nobody notices!

Any guys out there want to weigh in? Are there downsides to being a guy that I’m not seeing? There are definitely things I dig about being a lady, but I’d love to get an outsider’s perspective.

Not all of them, though. Some annoying campus dwellers will be there. Always. Forever. And never go away.

Who am I talking about? Why, the  Frat House Groupie, of course!

Now, there are many girls who may seem to fall into this category that should not. These are:

1) Members of a sister sorority. It’s super common to see certain fraternities pairing up with certain sororities on campus; their bylaws/campus rules/international standards of fraternizing require that they have to make nice with the girlies and co-host events together.  Whatev.  Point is, if you’re hanging at the house one Friday night because they’re having an awesome 70s themed costume party and you see the typical group of sorority girls, those are the least of your worries.

2) Girlfriends or ex girlfriends of frat boys: These girls are expected to be there. After all, they aren’t just trolling the crowd looking for booty; this is their man’s house. Or their ex man. And they are still friends with all the boys. Read: they know people.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s move into the girls you should be wary of. There are generally two types of Frat House Groupies:

1. The Slutty One: She is the first one at the party and the last one to leave. She’ll be dancing on a table wearing the shiny, super tight tube top that she doesn’t have the body for. On top of that, she’ll be wearing jeans or pants that are usually at least one size too small so that she looks like a stumbling, slurring Muffin Top.  She also tends to wear heels that might be better suited for a scantily clad woman dancing around a pole in a dark corner of a strip club.  She makes a habit of staying up half the night playing beer pong, but doesn’t bother to cover those dark circles under her eyes in the afternoon when she finally rolls out of bed. Those are her battle scars and she wants everyone to ask about her night.  Her most annoying attribute is that she thinks she’s hot stuff and that every guy in the house would die to get with her, when in reality she couldn’t get into a photoshoot for STD awareness.

She’s hangs at the house constantly, trying to get laid, or establish her “place” there.  She thrives on the idea of being part of the inner frat circle, when she is really just a (slutty) puppy dog following the brothers around. Or passing out on one of their dirty, beer-soaked couches.

2. The Guys’ Girl: The other groupie is the exact opposite.  Her uniform includes way more conservative dress.  She won’t dress like a slut, but she won’t dress like a lady either.  She likes the t-shirt and jean approach because she feels like “one of the guys.”   She likes baseball hats with winery names on them and watching football with the guys. She thinks she is much more mature than the other girls around the house and has a much better relationship with her “boys.”  She likes to talk about being able to hold her own, whether it’s in arguments with the men or drinking them under the table (never actually seen that one happen).

This is the girl that wants to be uber important to the fraternity and all of its members and thinks herself a brother even though she lacks (among other things) a penis. The guys’ girl tells everyone that she would never date a frat boy, but secretly wants nothing more. The whole “I’m one of the guys” front is just that: a front. At her core, she wants the same thing as every other girl trolling the frat house hallways. She just doesn’t want to be seen that way.

Whichever category she falls into, the Frat House Groupie is a staple at frat parties nationwide. If you find yourself at a Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes party, or just a random Tiki Tuesday, you will run into her. Every. single. time. There is no cure for the Frat House Groupie; just avoid, avoid, avoid.

(Photo courtesy of laurelt83 on flickr)