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I despise Halloween. No, scratch that. I love actual Halloween. I can spend the entire day watching Hocus Pocus on repeat and gnawing on candy corn pumpkins. I loved trick or treating as a kid way-too-old-high-school-senior.  I have great memories of putting together awesome, homemade, creative costumes. And by “putting together” I am obviously referring to watching my mom slave over a sewing machine while I shouted instructions and corrections and the occasional constructive criticism: “You call this a magician’s cape, THIS tarp of a fabric!?!?!”

But that all ended freshman year of college when Halloween went from a fun night out in a costume to a slutfest in a frat house. I was appalled by the slutty bumblebees, the slutty orangutans, the slutty crayon girls. What was going on?! Why was no one even trying to be clever, smart, witty, or even scary? I’m totally cool with a horrifying witch. I’m not cool with a horrifyingly disturbing portrayal of a witch doing a strip tease wearing nothing but a hat and a carefully placed broom.  And not only was I surrounded by sexy-everything, but I was smushed into a frat party, unable to get to the bar, unable to move, and unable to give the sexy fairy in front of me a proper elbow jab for shoving her 9-foot wings into my FACE. Everyone in the entire university was out for Halloween…and it seemed all shoved into the same three sweaty frat parties. Like really, kid-who-never-showers-and-is-always-studying-in-the-lounge – YOU’RE OUT!?!?

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Halloween is inching closer and closer, and each day there are new preparations to be made for your costume(s) and more invites to accept on Facebook. Luckily, this year Halloween falls on a Saturday, bringing out the true whackjob in all of us.

But just because Halloween happens on a weekend – allowing us to go balls to the wall without fear of vomiting in class the next day – it doesn’t mean you should disregard the basic No-No’s of this very religious holiday:

Walk of shaming- Everyone and their sister knows what you did last night when you’re walking (or even worse, biking) down the street in a sexy devil costume at 11am on November 1st.  Not that I’m condemning any Halloween nookie, but the blatantly obvious evidence the next morning ain’t so flattering.

Trying to conjure up spirits in the cemetery: Pretty sure they used to hang people for that, just F.Y.I.

Not dressing up: Don’t be that guy.  Besides, you don’t want to regret not dressing up because you’re a giant party pooper.  Yeah, times are tough; create something!

Dressing like a complete prostitute: To the point of people not knowing what the hell you’re supposed to be.  You don’t want to spend the night hearing, “Oh you didn’t hear? You were supposed to wear a costume.” Read More »

I’ve got a lot of questions on my mind today: Is it humanly possible to read four books and write two papers in the next 72 hours? How did it go from zero to winter in five days flat? When will it stop raining? Who is balloon boy and why should I care about him?

And I’m not the only one asking questions. Take a look at some of the burning queries that have been occupying CC writers for the past week:

- Can intercultural dating ever work out for the best?

- Is paying $89 to get a bump-free bikini line worth it?

- Will frat houses be able to survive the Great Swine Flu Freakout of ’09?

- Is it weird to have a huge crush on Aladdin?

- Can anyone afford post-college apartments?

- What’s worse: sexist iPhone apps or slutty costumes for 7^th graders?

- Where can I get an adult-sized Barbie jeep of my very own?

- Would anybody seriously buy a vagina mint?

- Should you resist the urge to go Facebook official?

- What’s keeping us from actually liking the nice guys?

- And finally: Does anyone want to get some Italian food and go sailing with me?  Columbus Day be damned—that just seems like a sweet way to start off the weekend, despite the frigid temperature.

Real creative, ladies.

Every week I make a list of ten things. Whether it’s ten words/phrases that piss me off or my fave leading ladies, you can count on me to countdown every Monday the same way you can count on Jon Gosselin to be an epic Douche Bigalow.

In the spirit of the season and my favorite holiday of all time, I’ve decided to countdown the ten worst Halloween costumes imaginable.

As a dedicated Halloween goer-over-the-topper, my mother never once let me buy my costume. In fact, to this day, I can admit that I’ve only had one store-bought costume as of last year: Whoremione Granger. That’s it. And I still regret it to this day. Guilty of some of the below? Check out CollegeCandy’s better alternatives.

10. The slutty bumblebee
Firstly, horizontal stripes are a no-no, no matter how much of a stick you are. Secondly, a slutty bug? Really? Of all things? Thirdly, confession: bees are actually the scariest thing in the world to me, so frankly it just upsets me to see them in any form. Especially large, at risk for nipple slips and holding a beer.

9. Naughty School Girl
Admittedly, I am guilty of this one. Looking back, I’m ashamed that I just slapped on my old uniform and passed off what I used to wear daily as a “costume.” Apologies, Sister Pat.

8. “I’m Drunk”
You ask, “What are you supposed to be?” Usually a bro answers with this. Holding a red solo cup. Real creative. Read More »

Halloween is quickly approaching, which means you need to figure out a costume. Now.

A costume with sex appeal.

While you could go for the classic French Maid or sexy cop (nurse, teacher, tennis pro, grandma…), why not try to wow people with your witty sense of humor instead of your mammary glands? Think about it, if you’re dressed up as a slutty nurse and trying to get your crush drunk, you could easily be mistaken for one of the many slutty nurses at the same party.  And watching Superman drunkenly make out with some other girl while you stand there grasping onto your stethoscope would be tragic!

Don’t get me wrong – we all wanna turn up the sex appeal on Halloween – but there’s nothing sexier than a girl with a sense of humor. Here are a few hilarious Halloween options that will have you standing out at the party for reasons other than your sporadic nipple slips. [Click on the photos for ordering info!] Read More »

While Halloween now is more closely associated with finding a (slutty) costume and drinking Halloween inspired beverages, as a kid, there was nothing better than going door to door loading up on enough candy to last you till the 4th of July.Only problem is, my mom – the smart woman that she is – knew her life would be torturous through July if she let her three hyper children keep that much sugar around.

So every year, my two older brothers and I would have to dump all of our coveted, prized candy into the middle of the table. My mother then carefully separated the candy into piles – Milky Ways in one pile, Twix in another, Candy Corn in another, and so on. She then handed a bucket to each of us and, one by one, we would go around taking our pick and filling our buckets.

Once they were filled, the rest of the candy went to inner-city kids whose neighborhoods were too dangerous to trick-or-treat in (which now I see was a very noble thing but at the time I couldn’t understand why they deserved my candy gold. After all, I spent three long hours in the cold with clown makeup on my face, saying stupid poems at people’s doors while they filled my bag up with all that deliciousness). Read More »

Halloween used to be a holiday where people dressed up to spook others. Then it turned into a holiday where people dress up to f**k others.  And sometimes it’s a holiday where people dress up to honor others.

This year, why not do all three? Dress up as Sarah Palin!

She scares the crap out of me, my guy friends wanna f**k her, and, somehow, it’s an honor to dress up as this gun toting, beehive wearing, American Vice Presidential hopeful.

[Photo courtesy of Gawker.com]