I think their costumes are the same size...

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I could never understand what wasn’t to like. All the store windows are covered in cotton cobwebs and fake skeletons, people hand you free candy everywhere you go and you can dress up as absolutely anything and walk around in public without being judged. Did I mention the free candy?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re seven or 21, this holiday rocks. What changes, though, is the reasoning behind your excitement. Clearly, we spend the holiday a little differently now then we did back then.

Then: It gave us an excuse to have a party during math class.
Now: It gives us (a valid) excuse to party for a week straight.

Then: We grabbed the biggest bag we could to load up on candy.
Now: We grab biggest burrito we can to load up on carbs to coat our stomachs for the festivities.

Then: We dressed up as our favorite Disney princess.
Now: We dress up as our favorite Disney princess… minus 7 inches of fabric.

Then: “I’ll give you two Kit Kat’s and a nerd rope for that giant Hershey bar!”
Now: “Why don’t we go back to my place, Sexy Police Officer?”

Then: We weren’t allowed to take candy from strangers.
Now: We’ll take a drink from anyone.

Then: When we got home, mom would undress us and we’d eat a little candy.
Now: When we get home, “sexy police officer” undresses us and we get a little lucky.

Then: Your mom sent pictures of you and your siblings dressed up to grandma.
Now: Your mom calls and asks you to take down the Facebook photos of you dressed up like a hooker before grandma sees them.

Then: We packed our lunches full of the best candy the next day to show off to our friends.
Now: We pack our bra into our purse… and avoid our friends on the Walk of Shame home.

And now I feel even better about my choices that night having seen Miley’s little sis prancing around town in this little get-up. This girl is nine. NINE. And she’s wearing knee-high boots and some skankalicious little number up top. Upon first glance I thought I even saw some pubic hair popping out of that “dress,” but then I realized I was wrong. Because that’s not possible. Because she’s in 3rd grade.

Like most people flipping a shiz over this less-than-Disney look, I’m appalled that anyone besides Dina Lohan would let their nine-year-old daughter leave the house in something like this. But I’m also really grateful that they did. I mean, how can I feel bad about my own Halloween choices when a mini-skank like this is out there?

Seriously, I’m gonna look like (slutty) Mother Theresa compared to this chick on Friday.

So thanks, Billy Ray! And thank you, Noah. You sure know how to make a college girl feel pure. I just can’t wait to see what you pull out next year… after you’ve gotten those implants for your big double digit birthday!

When I was 13 years old, I dressed up as a homemade Christmas tree for Halloween. I was covered from head to toe in ornaments and Christmas lights. The battery pack was held securely in my underwear, which made for awkward and slightly dangerous times in the bathroom. Regardless, I was a-glow in the Christmas/Halloween spirit and I looked stunning.

Recalling my Halloweens past, my costumes of choice were a far cry from what teens these days are wearing. And what is it they are slipping into on Halloween? Not bunny costumes or scary ghouls. No, upon perusing the aisles at my local Halloween store I learned that the middle schoolers are taking a hint from their big sisters/Paris Hilton and getting into the spirit…of looking skanky.

It took me until my freshman year of college to embrace the sexy, slutty side of the holiday. And while I may have been a late bloomer, the pre-teen purchasing “Striped Prison Girl aka Mis-Behaved” is DEFINITELY ahead of her time.

I always thought this generation’s youth was one step ahead of the awkward curve with the invention of the straightening iron and a slightly more advanced sense of fashion. (We’ve all seen Suri Cruise in those great kitten heels.) But then they see their precious Hannah Montana posing nude on the cover of a magazine and doing a pole dance on stage, and so the door was shut on the age of modesty.

And opened wide on the age of showing their lady parts in exchange for Twix bars.

For every 12 year old I see this Halloween dressed as a street-walking Little Red Riding Hood, I will say a prayer. What child’s parents are letting them walk out of the house looking like they’re cruising for more than just candy? I hope they at least put a can of Mace in their trick-or-treat bag to ward off child molesters and Roman Polanski.

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