And while I didn’t appreciate the early morning wake up call, I did enjoy hearing about all the goodies I’d soon be able to borrow/benefit from upon returning to campus.

Everyone knows the best part of the holiday break is not the sleeping in or the 90210 marathons on Soap Net. It’s the 42 phone calls you make (from that new iPhone, baby!) immediately after opening your loot to tell everyone what you got, then sitting in your room and trying on all the clothes/playing with all the toys while noshing on some of mom’s famous desserts.

Just thinking about it makes me giddy.

Anyways, now that you’ve come out of your Christmas (or Chinese, what up Jews?!) food coma, we wanna know what you got for Christmas/Hanukkah/while you were home over break and your parents were feeling generous.

So… whatcha get?!
And when can I come over to borrow?

Share your best gifts below.

Hi sweetie. Long time no see. I take that back. I saw you last Friday. Same place, same hazy look in your eyes, different black dress that falls down to expose your bra. This one doesn’t have vomit on it… yet! Congratulations.

As much as going out and drinking in college is an integral part of your experience, I don’t think you serenading a fraternity with “Like a Virgin” into your half-empty Smirnoff handle (your makeshift microphone) while balancing on a coffee table is necessarily the right way to spend your Tuesday night.

You were very stylish at the beginning of the night. Your dress hung perfectly, eyelashes were curled, hair was straightened, heels were spotless and your jewelry matched. However, after those three, four or five shots of Patron? That sexy little dress you picked up at the Saks sale is riding up and showing off your embarrassing leopard print boy shorts. The mascara you so diligently applied is now running down your face after your tearful breakdown about how much you “love everyone sooooo much” and “like, can’t wait to have you all as my bridesmaids.” You seem to have more hair in your face than in your ponytail and one of your high heels is nowhere to be found. Check yourself, honey.

Is that pimply beast of a guy you’re making out with in front of everyone your boyfriend? Hope not, because you just made out with his best friend four minutes ago when you assaulted him against the beer pong table. Yes, beer pong winner is impressive, but it’s not like he just saved a child from a fire. Speaking of, can we talk about your beer pong game? It’s called beer pong for a reason. Not “mass amounts of vodka and a splash of cranberry” pong. When you’ve reached that point where hard liquor in the beer pong cups seems like a good idea, you’ve gone too far.

No, no one wants to split a supreme pizza with you, go to the strip club “just for fun,” drunk dial the Dean’s office or add a rule in any drinking game that involves getting naked. Drunk girl, it’s the middle of the week and don’t you have a final tomorrow? And stop yelling at the poor guy who made your drink – there is plenty of vodka in there and not his fault that you just can’t TASTE it anymore.

I love you, drunk girl. Because, sometimes, I am you. But even when I’m not, I still adore you because I have a great time making fun of you and drawing penises all over you when you pass out on the floor of some random living room amidst a Tila Tequila marathon.

XOXO,
Melanie

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Soon you’re in a first class seat to Blackout City (population: who the eff knows? You’re seeing double), and the next thing you know, you’re waking up topless in a strange bed, wearing someone’s boxers and one high heel. You turn over slowly, silently pleading that at least he’s good looking.

But regardless of what you see (there’s no turning back now, sister!), there are 10 major things you don’t want to hear:

1.    “You’re on birth control, right?”
(OhMyGodPleaseLetThereBeACondomWrapperOnTheFloor…..)

2.    “That video is going to get so many hits online”

3.    “What was your name again?”
This problem is two-fold. One: he put his P in your V and he doesn’t even know your name?! What a sleaze. Two: Sh*t! What name did you give him last night!?

4.    “Thank God those warts went away!”

5.    “I love you.”
You knew you were good, but that good?

6.    “I always knew my first time would be awesome!”

7.     “You might want to get checked out.”

8.   “You’re almost as good as your sister.”
Other equally terrible comparisons: ex-girlfriend, your mom, your roommate, your best friend, and your best gay guy friend.

9.    “Sorry, I have to answer this call, it’s my girlfriend.”

10.     “So, you want to go down on me or what?”
Especially heinous after a long encounter with every girl’s arch nemesis, Mr. Whiskey Dick.

All ten of these are serious cause to pack that kid up and ship him out. Oh…this is his place? Ok, just find your other shoe and be on your way. Or just screw the shoe – you’ve got plenty more at home. Run!

Have you heard worse? Share your thoughts below!

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Need a reason to drink? Need some motivation? Too young to get into the bars?

These three games are sure-fire ways to get drunk and have fun without ever having to leave the house/dorm. Or simply as a little fun before the main event. Whatever. They are fun. Play them.

Beer Pong: This is the ultimate drinking game. If you don’t like beer, replace it with cider or Smirnoff or Bacardi (not straight up, please…you may die) or anything else tasty. Side note: In my recent travels abroad, I discovered that we Americans take this game very, very seriously. Do not attempt to cheat during a beer pong game. You will be seriously heckled and possibly thrown out. Unless everyone’s too drunk to notice (which is entirely possible).

Flip Cup: The first time I played this, I didn’t realize that the entire team had to flip their cups over. I thought the contest was over after the first pair. And everyone was just looking, and looking, and looking at me…

Kings: I couldn’t find a satisfactory link to rules, so here they are as I play it. (Which is the best way.):

First, place a large cup or beer mug in the center of the table. Then shuffle the cards and spread them in a circle around the cup. Each player will take turns picking a card from anywhere in the circle and following the corresponding rule.

Ace: God. The person who drew the card makes up a rule. The harder it is to follow, the better. For example, the prohibition of all pronouns (no “he”, “she”, “it”, “I”, or “you”).

Two: You. The person who drew the card picks someone else to drink. This is a one-time thing.

Three: Me. The person who drew the card drinks.

Four: Whores. Sorry ladies, I didn’t pick the wording. All of the women at the table take a drink.

Five: Waterfall. The person who drew the card starts drinking and determines the direction in

which the waterfall goes. He or she is also the person who may stop drinking first. Every consecutive person must continue drinking until the person in front of them has stopped.

Six: Dicks. Yes men, go ahead and wave them around. Take a drink.

Seven: Heaven. The last person to point to the sky has to knock one back.

Eight: Pick a mate. The person who drew the card picks someone who will drink at the same time as them for the rest of the game.

Nine: Bust a rhyme. The person who drew starts with a word and every person after must say a rhyming word, with no repetitions and no hesitations. If your brain freezes, you’re stuck drinking.

Ten: Categories. The person who drew picks a category and starts naming an item from that category. Everyone else continues in that category with no repetitions or hesitations, and you guessed it, the first person to crack drinks. Example: Fruit- kiwi, apple, watermelon, etc.

Jack: Thumbmaster. The person who drew becomes the Thumbmaster until the next Jack is drawn, at which point the new person is the Thumbmaster. This means that whenever he or she puts their thumb on the table, everyone else must put their thumb on the table and the last person to notice takes a swig of their drink. The object is to do it as surreptitiously as possible.

Queens: Questionmaster. This person becomes the Questionmaster until the next Queen is drawn. He or she will attempt to trick people into having to drink by asking them questions, to which the reply should only be another question, otherwise you’re tippin’ back your glass.

Kings: For the first three Kings drawn, the person who picked the card pours as much of their drink as they want into the central cup. The person who draws the last King must drink the entire contents of the cup. You do not want to get stuck drinking the cup in the middle. Especially if everyone at the table has different drinks. You end up with some kind of vodka-beer-Jager combo to swallow….and keep down.

More Drinkin’ Fun: If you’re feeling just a little bit racy, Never Have I Ever and My Penis, My Vagina can take you for a walk on the wild side. And, because I am verging on alcoholism, I like to drink on the weekdays during Family Guy. And then get seasick on the way home.

Here are links so that you can play and drink to your heart’s content:

Your guide to any drinking game you ever imagined, and some you haven’t.

For those nights when you also feel like getting drunk while watching TV.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s finally warm enough in the summertime to step outside and feel the breeze without wincing, or maybe the wind really does smell sweeter, but either way, there is definitely something fun and breezy about summer. There is something light and bubbly about this season and there are a wide array of drinks out there to accompany such a bohemian sensation.

Why do I feel more comfortable drinking in the afternoon in the summertime than I do in the winter? Is it the dazzling sunlight that beckons me to the outdoor seating of bars, whispering, “It’s vacation weather. Drink up…”? Is that what does it? Who knows. Regardless, here is my personal list of summertime beverages that I know I won’t be going without this year.

WINE SPRITZERS

I may easily be an old cougar at a country club despite the fact that I’m a 24 year old girl in the big city…I don’t care. I like wine spritzers. They’re so bubbly and delicious and easy to make on your own. Wine+Sprite+Ice+decorative lemon= BOOYAH, a tasty wine spritzer. I used to always drink these with red wines, but I’ve moved on to the lighter white wines these days and I love it.

CORONA

It’s the commercials, I think. Advertising is a bitch and it f*cking works. I can’t help it. If someone hands me a corona in the summertime, I might as well be laying on a Mexican beach silently with a hot guy. Because that’s how I feel. Stupid? Yes. Irrelevant? Yes. Bad beer? Nope. It’s good. Very good.

NEW ZEALAND WHAT?

Who knows what this drink is called, but my roomie who spent some time in New Zealand learned this trashy trick of the cheap alcohol trade there and I really do sorta LOVE it. It’s Coors Light mixed with Smirnoff. Sound disgusting? Yeah, you’re right, it does.

I actually only tried it to begin with because it sounded like puke and I was SURE that she was going to be dead wrong about it being tasty. Low and behold, I was the wrong one. This drink is better than you’d expect and if you’re at all repulsed by the idea of it, then I encourage you to try it even more so. It’s surprisingly good. And refreshing.

There are plenty of other summery drinks where these came from. Who’s got recommendations?

And what would a party be without some cocktails? Yes, I realize it is a Monday, but it is not just any Monday; it’s the return of my favorite most-awesome-show ever. Even the New York Times is covering it! Celebration is necessary.

I considered many different drinks for the festivities – Cosmos (so out), Martinis (too cliché), beer (not worthy of such an event) – but finally found one that is just right. A drink appropriate for the level of class needed for such a celebration, while also capturing the soul at the center of this show.

Below, the drink of The Hills, The Bitch Slap.

INGREDIENTS:

1 oz Smirnoff Vodka (Blue label)

Gin

Everclear

1 oz Light rum

Fill with Lemonade

1 splash 7-Up

Mixing instructions:

Mix it together over ice and drink it up, bitches.

I like to think of this as the liquid equivalent to putting Lauren and Heidi in a room and watching what happens.

If you decide to partake in some Conrad-inspired festivities this evening, this drink should most definitely be on your list. Just be careful; this lady is feisty. Girls have been known to view Heidi more favorably while under the influence of the Bitch Slap and, lord knows, no one wants that.

I’ll be back tomorrow (with a massive hangover) to dish about the drama that is sure to unfold. Lauren and Whitney come back from Paris! Heidi and Spencer reunite! Lo moves back into town! I’m shaking from excitement!