While the scientists behind the study link depression to the amount of time spent in a virtual world, I have a few of my own theories as to why the Internet is making us all very, very sad.

1: Checking on the Ex.  If you are about to say that you have never fallen prey to Facebooking our ex you’d better grab a fire extinguisher, because your pants are on fire.  After a break-up, as detailed by Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother,” there is a clear winner and a clear loser.  And of course, you want your ex to be the loser.  So you’ll casually click on his Facebook, just to see how he’s doing (i.e. hopefully read a bunch of depressing status updates regarding his horrible life since you guys broke up, maybe some encouraging wall posts from his friends trying in vain to get him out of his depression of knowing that there was no one else for him than you…) and what do you find? NEW PICTURES OF HIM AND SOME GIRL?!  IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK!  WHO IS THIS “JESSICA”??!  You click through the entire album at least twice, only to find that this little witch is now apparently dating your vile ex, and (after a small amount of clicking) she’s just gorgeous and cool and perfect.  <Insert depressing Status Update here.>

2: Online Shopping. You avoid the expensive stores in the mall because you know you can’t afford them, but there’s no avoiding that amazing Botkier bag or Louboutin pump that you happen to come across while absentmindedly surfing the web in lecture. And seeing it there, taunting you with its beauty, sends you into a deep fit of depression when you know you can’t afford it.

3: Hey, I’m Doing So Much Better Than You! Even though you know that Facebook trawling is just as harmful as it is helpful (if not more so), you still can’t stay away.  So you see in your Newsfeed that one of your old classmates is putting up pictures from their trip abroad this summer.  Oh it’s no big deal – they just spent a month in Paris in cafes and then trekked down to the coast of the Mediterranean and spent a couple of weeks on the beach.  Oh and there another friend spent, like, two months surfing in Australia.  And this friend over here just changed their work info; oh they’re just casually working at NYLON now…while you are currently in a snow covered dorm boiling water on the sly for oatmeal.  Depression.

4: WHAT TIME IS IT?! You may think that the internet is just good for killing time between things that you’re doing, but what if those other activities become the things that you’re using to kill time between your Internet time?  It starts with Facebook (everything starts with Facebook now); you’re just casually clicking around, “catching up” with friends and, suddenly, you happen to catch the time. “How is it possible that I’ve been on Facebook for an hour?” But then you feel the need to start catching up on shows you missed last night on Hulu, which shouldn’t take long since these shows are only about 20 minutes long. But then you happen to glance at the clock again and, “ARE YOU KIDDING? HOW DID I LOSE TWO MORE HOURS ON THIS NONSENSE?!”  And now you’re depressed and anxious because all of this mindless clicking means you missed out on everything. Including writing that paper, which will now have you up all night.

5: What social interaction? Admit it: you’ve IMed someone in the same room as you. If that’s not depressing, I don’t know what is.

Walking to school, iPod. Sitting on the subway, iPod. Waiting for class to start, iPod. Grocery shopping, iPod. I never went anywhere without music.

There’s lots of reasons I chose music over realty, strange men telling me I should be their girlfriend at 8:30 AM certainly being one of them, but the easiest answer is that I didn’t really think there was much the world could offer me while I was alone. Walking by yourself can be a semi-lonely activity, especially if you’ve got a long way to go and don’t see many friendly faces on your way there.

So, I was plugged in. Walking quickly and keeping my face blank (looking too friendly in the city is sometimes an open invitation for crazy people to ask you to pet their plastic snake), I spent my days forging ahead and allowing The Police to soundtrack my life.

Until I overheard a conversation that changed everything.

Having forgotten my headphones that morning, I was walking to school without musical aid. It was the first time in a long while I had ventured out without programmable audio, and I was trying to figure out how to function, when I accidentally eavesdropped on two men walking ahead of me.

“See, there goes another one! Another beautiful girl with her goddamn headphones on!” The guy in front of me hit his friend in frustration. “How am I ever supposed to start conversations with pretty strangers if they block their ears all the time?!”

“I’ve noticed that,” the second, less angry and animated man agreed. “These chicks got their headphones on all the time now. They don’t even look up on the subway anymore.”

“That’s why I haven’t bought an iPod yet. Because I crave random social interaction. Well, that and because Apple is a giant conglomerate that’s poised to steal this Nation’s soul.”

As the duo turned the corner, I waited for the Walk sign to give me the go-ahead and thought about what I had just heard. Before the first guy had dived into schizophrenia, he had been making sense sense. How do you start a conversation with someone who’s already occupied?

I walked up Second Avenue and realized I was one of those girls who turned her Kelly Clarkson up and stared at the ground while she rode the subway. How many conversations with cute boys had I inadvertently avoided? How many sweet faces had I accidentally ignored?

I began to forget my headphones on purpose. I began to ride the subway sans iPod or book, and walked the streets of New York with my eyes and ears open (happily, that weird guy with the plastic snake had moved on to avenues elsewhere). Soon, I was hearing intriguing conversations, noticing people in a way I had never noticed before, and stumbling across more good-looking guys than I had ever thought existed.

The schizophrenic Hipster had been right. The world is a whole lot more interesting when you leave your iPod at home.

These days, I rarely listen to anything while walking, and whip out the trusty Apple soul-stealer during long trips only. It’s gotten to the point where having music in my ears feels constricting.

And yes, I’ve had some conversations with cute strangers. I’ve also had some conversations with insane and annoying strangers—but you know, it’s all part of the experience.

…I mean, how many times in a person’s life do they get to listen to an old woman explain how the zucchinis in Whole Foods “whisper through their skin” to help her pick out lottery numbers? My guess is only once.