Bart and Lily decide to play a little role-playing game and make the Bass-Van der Woodsen clan more akin to the Brady Bunch than the Kardashians. Curfews? Family dinners? You know that’s not going to last long.

Vanessa’s trying to raise some money to save a bar from being demolished, and decides to play the Game of Blair. That is, she threatens to blackmail B with a saucy photo of Duke Marcus and his skanky stepmom (remember them? Has it been so long since they fled already?), which brings me to the first red-hot GG quote of the night:

Blackmailing seems to work for you, so I thought I’d give it a try. Now that we’ve established that I own you, you have 6 hours to get 1,000 signatures.

Oh, Vanessa; you can pass “GO” and collect two million dollars for that move.

In Humphrey news, Dan literally starts playing a new game: soccer. If you missed last night’s episode, you missed Lonely Boy begin his transformation into Jock Boy, the ever-faithful sidekick of sexy Nate Archibald. But yes, Dan made the soccer team, and yes, it gives him more excuses to play with his new mancrush, Nate.

Of course, the best game of the night is Blair’s Cruel Intentions-style bet with Chuck that he can’t seduce Vanessa…and then leave her behind, humiliated, of course. But, of course, if you’ve seen any teen movie involving bets, wagers, and the “cool” guy hanging out with the “loser” girl, you know the outcome. Although, these movies usually involved Freddie Prinze, Jr. and NOT Chuck Bass.

In the meantime, Eric introduces Serena to his new boyfriend (so precious!), and Dan discovers Nate’s secret– that he’s been squatting in his foreclosed apartment, alone. Trying to keep up with his wholesome family image, Bart convinces Eric not to bring his new beau to the Bass-Van der Woodsen housewarming party, while Rufus opens his home to poor, sexy Nate.

If you guessed that Vanessa’s revealed Chuck’s soft spot, you guessed right. Chuck visits the bar she is trying to save and instantly connects with V’s friend Horace. And, because every week, GG culminates in a party that is breeding ground for drama, he invites Vanessa, which gives Blair a chance to steal V’s phone and delete the picture of Marcus and Catherine (remember, this all started with a bit of blackmail).

Blair’s animosity towards Vanessa spikes when she sees Chuck grab her hand. Is this still a bet? I don’t think so. And neither does B, who tries to call off the bet with Chuck and then throws herself at him saying that he’s won, and can collect his prize. Did I mention B put her body on the line here? She seems more than happy to “lose” this one as she waits for Chuck in a sexy red bra-and-panties ensemble.

And as with most CW shows, the last five minutes are the juiciest:

I didn’t think Chuck was going to show. Then he did. Then I thought he would deny Blair right away. Then they started going at it. (Editor’s Note: in a rather porn-ish scene! Daaaayummmm.) Damn, 0-for-2. Then, the line that blew my mind. Coming from Chuck: He asks Blair to say the three words she asked for earlier this season. The three words. The eight letters.

Blair can’t (or won’t) say them either, and Chuck calls her out for wanting to hear them from him. B tries to cover, saying she’ll settle without the words. But the joke’s on Blair now: Chuck’s over her.

I’ve chased you for long enough. Now it’s time for you to chase me.

Game. Set. Match. Chuck Bass, ladies and gentlemen.

If there’s one thing I already knew, it’s that when you’re the poor, unpopular kid on the Upper East Side, your life will be a continuous cycle of being walked over, speaking your mind, putting your foot in your mouth, and then being magically forgiven and allowed to advance to the next round.

Did you miss last night’s episode? Let me fill you in.

Within the first minute of GG, Nate mentions the inevitable party that will tangle everyone up in some drama that will continue to be played out next week.

Other expected GG staples: Catherine and Nate talk money; Serena and Dan are together but have issues (did I miss them deciding to be a “secret” couple?); and Jenny has some great ideas for her fashion internship, but she’s a lowly intern and isn’t allowed to have opinions.

The best thing about the first half? The mini gossip girls who approach Dan and throw in their two cents. If you missed it, two tweeny-bopping brunettes are on Dan’s side, and one tweeny-bopping blond is on team S. The blond asks Serena how she can kiss Dan, knowing his tongue has been in Georgina’s mouth, which seems a bit much when you consider the girs were, what, 11? The tweensters were obviously comic relief, but for some reason their opinions caused an awkward rift between S and Lonely Boy…which I was over by the next commercial.

The real hotness revolves around Chuck and Blair for the third consecutive week. Chuck, like most high school boys, has a string of call girls filing in and out of his room, but can’t seem to perform. Dr. Ruth–I mean, Serena–suggests it’s because all he really cares about is B., which prompts Chuck to seek out a tryst with Blair so he can use her as “sexual Drain-o” to unclog his pipes.

At the party, Chuck and Blair have their weekly sexual-tension infused interaction, which started out pretty hot, but then got a little creepy…but still pretty hot. (Editor’s Note: SO hot.) Here’s another question: why can’t Blair, last season’s token virgin, suddenly go without sex? I mean, she was with Nate since freaking kindergarten and kept her chastity belt on, but now she’s like a dog in heat around Marcus. Which, of course, our favorite Duchess, Catherine, can smell immediately.

Now, it’s time to learn our life lessons from the crew. Nate really likes Vanessa, but Vanessa discovers his affair with Catherine. Dear Nate, when someone you like asks you if you are sleeping with a cougar, don’t justify it with, “She’s giving me money.” Horny Blair invites Marcus upstairs, only to finally lock lips with Chuck. Dear Blair, when your boyfriend walks in on you making out with someone else, the excuse, “I thought he was you,” won’t fly.

Of course, this is Gossip Girl world, so Vanessa likes Nate even more, and Marcus is finally ready to nail Blair.

Oh, in the meantime, Jenny got fired by Mrs. Waldorf, then rehired. Because that’s what Jenny does. And Serena and Dan broke up, but they really still love each other. Because that’s what Serena and Dan do. And Catherine “doesn’t like to share her toys. Especially when she’s paid for them.” So she blackmails Vanessa to leave Nate alone. Because that’s what rich, horny cougars who get to ride Chace Crawford do.

Gossip Girl. Everything you missed in high school, wrapped into 42 minutes of Monday night television. I love it.

Mmmmm.

But this is GG, people. Chace Crawford sexcapades can hardly satisfy our thirst for smut clothed in Prada. Cut to Chuck, chardonnay in hand, on a beach with one…two…three insanely hot girls. Oh, Chuck Bass. You are what every sixteen-year-old boy should aspire to be before graduating high school.

First shocker of the episode: GG informs us that “Lonely Boy” Dan isn’t so lonely after all. It seems he has a new chick — wait, maybe two new girls? Can you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D?

Of course, before our first commercial break, we need a love triangle, and some legit dramz. Send Chuck to meet Blair, looking sweet and dapper with roses in hand. Insert random new man (James), let Blair make steamy eye contact with Chuck and then shove her tongue down new guy’s throat. This is how it goes down for high schoolers in the Hamptons.

It’s game, set, match for Blair when she enjoys dinner with both James and Chuck, yet she still feels the need to run after Chuck when he storms away from the table with his tail between his legs. WTF Blair? We know you don’t feel the same way for James as you did for Nate. Otherwise you wouldn’t be chasing Chuck. Alas, poor Chuck, who used to be made of steel, turns on the waterworks again, just in time for another gratuitous Chace Crawford shot — hottie Nate running down the street in his underwear after his new lover’s husband comes home early from work.

The GG writers get to show off their wit as Blair vents to Serena. Line of the night: “Damn that mother-Chuck-er!.” No wait, Blair can top herself: “All I could see is that Chuck Bass-tard.” Oh, B. You’re killing me. Just hop in a limo and ride the boy for heaven’s sake. Or is that, like a pair of leggings, too last season?

Just before commercial break number three, everyone gets set up with their dates for this episode’s party, a shameless product placement in the form of the “Vitamin Water White Party.” The party scenes, of course, begin with a montage of beautiful people in white bikinis (drinking Vitamin Water), and an array of awkward looks (and Vitamin Water) as tension brews between Jenny and her bitch of a boss and Nate and his married mistress (who all drink Vitamin Water). Of course, if looks could kill, the death row sentence would be awarded to Chuck for his staredown of Blair and James.

But is Gossip Girl really becoming the Waldorf Show? In order to save the best juice for the last few minutes, it’s time to bring Dan back into the picture.

Until he showed up at S’s granny’s doorstep, I’d somewhat forgotten that Grandma Van der Woodsen used to have it out for Lonely Boy. Did anyone else’s jaw drop when Granny invited Dan to the party as her date? It’s too bad that Blake Lively looks absolutely gorgeous in her party ensemble, and that she and Chace Crawford would make the most beautiful babies, because I was rooting for some Serena/Nate action… until I remembered Dan, who happened to arrive just in time to see Serena fake-make-out with Nate. Dammit, Dan.

Typical Dan calls Serena out for her drama, only to have his two ladies from the opening credits show up and throw colorful martinis on his white suit. Could’ve seen that one coming. Yet, finding out that Dan is both hypocritical and some kind of playboy makes Serena want to rekindle the old flame. As Gossip Girl says, “When words get in the way, there’s only one thing to do…”

“MAKE OUT!” screamed my roommates and me, in unison. This late in the episode, and the only non-GG watcher in the room has to ask, “Are these people supposed to be in high school?” Um, yeah, don’t all high schoolers drink their faces off, have affairs with married women, and hump like gorillas on Versace sheets?

But back to the main event: Blair and Chucky. Obviously, Blair’s game of chess has to explode in her face, as James realizes he’s her pawn. But he can’t just leave after one episode! James makes his “big confession,” the one Chuck needed a PI to uncover. Drum roll, please….

He’s really Marcus Beaton, he’s British, and a lord. And he likes that Blair dissed him and called him boring. I could see a little S and M working it’s way into this relationship.

Well, if Chuck thought he’d uncover some dirt on James/Marcus, he was wrong. And he knows now that he doesn’t have sh*t on a British Lord. So he gives in, but not before he begs Blair not to leave with him. Blair makes the final offer: give her three words and eight letters (“I love you,” for those of you that missed it). And Chuck drops the ball.

What the Chuck?

Chuck and Blair have totally stolen the spotlight for this whole episode, and it seems the writers had a couple of minutes to spare at the end, so they give us Serena and Dan. On a beach. With a bonfire. And freaking fireworks start going off. Barf.

A lot of recapping of last season tonight, a few twists and turns, and a lot of potential drama set-ups for the rest of the season. But with the Chace Crawford hot-bod-shot count already climbing, I can tell that it’s going to be a great season.

This weekend is the only thing that stands between me and Chace Crawford.

Of course, I’m talking about the season premiere of Gossip Girl, which airs Monday, September 1 at 8:00 on the CW Network.

Since my life pretty much sucks– I’m not currently sleeping with anyone, I’m spending my “new clothes” money on speeding tickets, and I can barely afford my daily latte, let alone an extra-dry martini or a burlesque business venture–I’m looking forward on living vicariously through Dan, Jenny, Serena, Blair, Chuck, and, oh yes- Nate.

When GG left us at the beginning of the summer (which feels like eons ago), Serena’s brother, Eric, had just come out of the closet; Georgina had stopped into town just long enough to break up Serena and Dan; Chuck briefly scraped together an ounce of morale, only to eye-f*ck Amelia, Lily’s new interior designer; Blair hopped a plane with some random dude; and it seems that Serena and Nate and Dan and Vanessa were left to hang out for the summer.

Oh, there’s also the middle-aged love triangle between Chuck’s dad, Serena’s mom, and Dan’s dad, and Lily married Bart right after confessing her love to Rufus. Seriously, forty, and you’re still playing love games? Whatever. I’m sure this plot line will bring barrels of drama to the small screen this season.

Wow. Sometimes its hard to believe that GG has only been on for one season! We’ve already seen sex, lies, betrayal, bulimia, kids on suicide watch, theft, more sex, underage girls getting wasted and performing a strip tease in a night club, sex in a limo, cocaine, and Jenny’s perpetually uphill struggle to fit in.

What’s Season 2 going to throw at us? We’ll find out beginning on Monday. For now, here’s a sneak peek of our favorite guilty pleasure, with episode recaps coming at you every week!

]]>