Dear Mr. Thong Inventor,

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?
The first time I heard The Thong Song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes granny panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

Where the devil did you get this genius idea?
Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that, “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

How the hell did you get it to catch on?
No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy could get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,
Miss Thong Investor

[This story was originally posted by Elizabeth - UC Berkeley]

Likey? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

I would like to preface this letter by saying that your work has made a large yet incredibly skimpy contribution to my adolescent years. And while I do believe in the nobleness of your cause, I am rather puzzled by the method to the madness of such an invention. As I hold up the tiny piece of fabric that is my underwear, several questions come to mind, such as:

• Which came first: The thong, or “The Thong Song”?

The first time I heard the thong song, I was 11-years-old. Try explaining to a sixth grader, still under-clad with flower-print Hanes grannie panties, the concept of a thong. Watching a leprechaun of a man do cartwheels on the beach doesn’t really do that good of a job of explaining the exact science behind the thong. In fact, I’m pretty sure I thought he was singing about summertime footwear up until 2001, when I realized I needed to wear this contraption to be socially acceptable.

• Where the devil did you get this genius idea?

Was it a public service project? Did you see one too many VPLs (Visible Panty Lines, for you not-in-the-knows) and proclaim “I’ve had it! I’m inventing buttless underwear!” To you, Mr. Thong Inventor, going commando just wasn’t an option. Now that point I can understand, as I probably have not washed my jeans since the opening night of “Sex and the City.” And who really likes walking around with that “I’m wearing the pant equivalent of dirty underwear” feeling all day? Yeah, neither do I. So really, Mr. T.I, you were the answer to my laundry-lazy, VPL-phobic prayers.

• How the hell did you get it to catch on?

No seriously. It takes pure skill to get a woman to try on a permanent wedgie, let alone make it a long lasting trend in the sexy lingerie industry. Think about it: it’s a tiny scrap of cotton, satin, silk, or pearls (hey, I dunno what kinda stuff you’re into…) that is designed to chill between your butt cheeks all day. But women still go crazy for them! They even tease other women that don’t wear their underwear up their ass.

I remember my friend Emilie was the first of our 8th grade “group” to wear a thong. She finally caved in after much ridicule from her older sister regarding a tragically obvious VPL in a tacky polyester skirt (honestly, can you blame the older sis?). The day of her thong debut, she literally screamed in agony every time she bent down to open her locker. Even after witnessing her shriek six times before the end of third period, I still thought “Man, I gotta get me one of those!”

Even now, as a “mature” college girl, I will not be caught dead touching a pair of grannies, let alone wearing them during a hook up. You didn’t just sell them to the women of the world, you fooled guys into thinking they were the sexiest form of underwear. Yeah, I get the whole “more is better” thing when it comes to women’s asses, but that still doesn’t really explain to me why butt floss is an attractive option. You must have had to have some pretty solid endorsements to sell this baby to the masses. In this case, I think this product would even be a toughie for the OxyClean man (and that’s saying something – that guy can get me to buy anything). Was Sisqo dancing around a few lubed up beach babes really all it took?

Please find time in your busy pants-dropping schedule to get back to me as soon as possible. Seriously, we need to talk. I have a great idea for an invisible lingerie line that could really use a boost…

Yours truly,

Miss Thong Investor

[photo from www.environmentaltalk.com]

Sure, that was an extreme generalization and stereotype-enhancing statement, but there’s certainly some truth to it. As females, we’ve been spoon-fed the ideals that women need to be ladies, think about others first, be passive as to not offend anyone and be a ‘nice’ girl. And while I am all for embracing my femininity, being a fierce female and loving my feminist leanings, I can’t help but notice the ways in which guys manage to get ahead and lead a more stress-free life by simply ‘acting like guys’.

Since it’s more socially acceptable and even expected for men to behave in certain ways, they tend to have a leg up on females and the way we operate. In some situations, harnessing male aggression and assertiveness can pay big dividends.

Work it

Modesty and humility seem to be essential characteristics of a well-mannered woman, or so we are told. But when interviewing for a job, asking for a promotion or writing your resume, confidence and bravado are crucial. If you’re deserving of a promotion or qualified for a job, you need to be upfront and toot your own horn. Take every opportunity to boast about your recent accomplishments, achievements and successes with practical examples.

Companies want to hire and advance individuals that are confident in their skill sets and not afraid to display their assertiveness. In the same way that companies hock cosmetics, you must unabashedly market yourself — what are your strengths, what do you bring to the table, what about your track history is indicative of future success? Articulate the reasons that you are an ideal candidate for a promotion or job. If you aren’t confident in your skills and knowledge, why should anyone else be? Of course, there’s a fine line between arrogantly bragging and conservatively self-promoting, so use your best judgment.

Check your feelings at the door

Stop taking things personally and don’t take every comment so seriously. When your roommate or professor says something slightly cutting, don’t take it to heart and let it fester. Guys have this amazing ability to blow off criticism, insulting jokes and offensive remarks. While it’s important to stick up for yourself and defend your character when necessary, we should take a cue from males and let thing roll off of our figurative backs a bit more.

Women as a whole are a bit more sensitive, and this sensitivity is often the source of conflict. Meanwhile, guys pick and choose their battles a bit more, and they seemingly look past rude remarks or joking potshots. Someone at the bar make a snide joke about your outfit? Laugh it off, smile and rock that cute ensemble, secure in the fact that you look fierce and fabulous.

Money matters

Love that cute vintage purse at the thrift shop or garage sale, but think the price is too steep? Did you order your steak well-done but it came out bloody and barely cooked? Are you considering buying a friend’s used car but the price tag is just a touch out of your range? Whether demanding a refund, sending food back or negotiating a bargain, it’s important to assert yourself and stand your ground. Don’t be concerned with being viewed as a bitch or demanding — it’s your money and you’re entitled to receive what you want and what you ask for.

The Dating Game

Taking on a male mindset when it comes to dating can be truly beneficial. Buck tradition and stop playing the waiting game. For the most part, when a guy sees a girl he likes, he goes after her, and there’s no reason women shouldn’t act in the same manner. Why wait for the cute blue-eyed boy at the gym to talk to you? Sashay over to his treadmill and start up a conversation about the marathon you’re training for. Is that boy at Starbucks hiding behind his laptop making your heart skip a beat? Shoot him a flirty smile and make your way over to his wannabe-virtual office. Taking charge and being assertive can be a real-turn on to guys. Playing coy and hard-to-get in 10th grade homeroom might work, but as a grown woman, these silly games are slightly outdated and juvenile.

Friendships

Ever notice how wonderfully uncomplicated male friendships are? Guys tend to not over-analyze their friendships and roll with the punches. Unlike females, males have a penchant for taking things at face value and not reading so deeply into everything. Faced with a conflict with a buddy, a typical male will just let a few days pass, decide to get over it and go out for a cold one with the offending buddy. By not holding grudges or letting their concerns fester quietly, most guys I know actually have healthier friendships than their female counterparts.

Have a beef with a friend? Say something. I’ve noticed that guys speak their mind in a blatant and up-front manner, instead of being passive aggressive or harboring hurt feelings. Another way guys have healthier friendships is through pigeonholed purposes. Guys tend to categorize their friends: drinking buddies, buddies to confide in, their boys that they can rely on, guys that are a fun time but otherwise useless, and so on. Boys don’t expect to have an all-purpose friend, they know what their buddies’ strengths and weaknesses are, and act accordingly.

[Got any other tips? Let us hear 'em...]