The fact that this old dude is wearing a Speedo is disturbing enough for a sober Friday afternoon. And what happens next… I have no words. I just hope this guy doesn’t have kids.

The beach is wonderful.  It is the symbol of summer.  In fact, most of my childhood memories of that glorious 3-month-long stretch of nothingness are of living in my swimsuit and being constantly covered in sand with wet hair.  Ah, the good ‘ole days (except when that pesky salt water got in my eyes)…

Now if I want to go to the beach, I have to make plans and gather the accessories (hat? check. sunblock? check. iPod? check….and etc.).  I also have to find a beach near my apartment that isn’t littered with used needles and garbage.  Once I have completed those tasks, I get to lay out in the sun, listen to the waves, feel the breeze, and watch…guys in mandals and thongs walk past.  WTF.

There are some things (okay, a lot of things) that aren’t appropriate for the beach.  For example, socks aren’t appropriate for the beach.  Neither is a leather jacket (OMG can you imagine the amount of sweat?).  However, these things are small beans compared to the catastrophes that I have witnessed by the seaside (or lakeside – whatevs):

Back Hair -

No one wants to see a dude strutting around and flaunting their back hair at the beach anywhere.  Cover that mess up or, even better, wax it off, homie!!  It’s for the good of all mankind.

Mandals -

This one is pretty simple to avoid: either wear shoes (or even flip flops!) or go barefoot.  For guys, the beach has limited footwear options.  My vote is for barefoot.  It looks relaxed, manly AND it exfoliates!

Speedos -

You might as well be naked, seriously.  Actually, it’s worse.  I don’t want to see your goods tucked into a small piece of spandex.  Be a man and put on board shorts.  The only time your junk should be on display is during a late-night skinny dipping sesh or secret dune sex.  Not for tanning/swimming at 2pm on a crowded beach.

Farmer’s Tan -

More so than a deathly pale body, a farmer’s tan burns itself into the eyeball and forces viewers to turn away to save their vision.  I know it’s not essential for a guy to have a perfectly even tan, but guys should try not to look like they’re wearing a tee shirt (or back sweater? see above) when they’re not.

Straw Hats -

Unless you are rocking a sweet straw fedora (you hipster, you), then a straw hat does not belong on your head.  Dudes…it’s summer at the beach.  Man up.  You are not my 80-year-old gramms, so lose. the. hat.

Reflective Sunglasses -

Ohai Dude-Wearing-Reflective-Sunglasses…are you here to molest me or protect me?  I can’t tell.  Mostly because I can’t see your eyes.  Don’t get me wrong, I love having a built-in mirror when I look at you, but it’s not 1988. Please take those off and stomp on them so they don’t have to disgrace anyone’s face ever again.  Thanks.

Mesh Tank Tops -

What is this, the 80′s? A Night At The Roxbury?  Either way, if you’re wearing a shirt and I can still see your nips, there’s gonna be a problem.  Plus, just think of the tan lines…the terrible tan lines.

Excessive Sunblock on the Nose -

Everyone wants to be healthy and avoid skin cancer, yes?  Well, the way to do that is not to put 80% of the bottle on your nose.  Share the wealth with the rest of your body!  Plus, you look like a boy scout counselor from the 1970s.

Swimming in Tee Shirts -

Why would you need to do this?  Did you forget to take off your clothes before you had a random urge to swim?  FYI, a tee shirt is not an effective way to hide back hair or love handles.  Just take it off (I’m talking about the shirt and the hair…)

Hell, we’d probably even wear those U.S.A. themed Speedo’s if we could get our hands on them (or squeeze our butts into them). But, alas, that is not going to happen. Which is fine because it’s not like we actually want to participate in any events – cuz we got no skills – we just want to show our support.

Yeah, we could probably hang an American flag over our beds or sing the National Anthem at every chance we got, but that’s so boring. We wanna support the U.S. in style, baby. So let’s give a big thanks to our pal Ralph Lauren for creating this awesome Olympic collection.

After designing the outfits worn by the athletes during the Opening Ceremonies, Mr. Polo decided to take his American pride one step further and give the rest of us somethin’ to rock.

Lord knows I love me some popped collars and now I can feel like the athletes without actually having to give up the cookies or run 5,000 laps around a track. Some of it is a bit cheesy, but the rest is chic, wearable and an awesome way to commemorate the occassion.

But then the games began (and Michael put on a swim cap/Speedo) and I began to see what everyone else was talking about. I mean – this guy was looking good. Really good. Like, “I kinda sorta (read: totally) wanna do him” good. He is pretty much as close to perfect as any man can get.

Don’t agree? Here are 5 Reasons Why I Want to Do The Breast Stroke (see how I made a swimming term into something sexual? Yeah, I’m that good) With Michael Phelps:

He’s Got Moves: Maybe it’s just me, but when I watch Phelps dive off the platform and do that little mermaid move….well, I can only think dirty, naughty things. He knows how to use his body well and I have a feeling that little move would work wonders both in and out of the pool.

He Loves His Mama: There is nothing more attractive than a guy who loves his mother. Not only is that the sweetest thing ever, but it means is going to respect you and treat you well, too.

Lots o Bling: I love gold and Phelps has more gold around his neck than 50 Cent… and that is saying a lot. Plus, he earned them the hard way (not simply by getting shot 50 times, writing some crappy rap song and buying a giant gold plate encrusted in diamonds to show off to the ladies).

Stamina: Have you ever tried to swim 400 meters against the fastest men in the world? Me either (I prefer to float…with a beer in the raft’s cup holder), but I bet it’s really effing hard. Not for Mikey; this dude has some serious stamina, and you know that will translate well into the bedroom. No, “Oops! I’m sorry…” here; Phelps is in it until the end.

He’s Not Afraid of Rubber/Latex: The guy wears a rubber cap for a living – he won’t have a problem wearing the other rubber cap in the bedroom.

Come to mama, Michael.

And the problems don’t stop there.

Apparently, Speedo is causing quite a stir.

Their newest high tech design, the Speedo LZR Racer, has become the talk of the world. This is more than just a bathing suit; it is a record breaker. Since its introduction to the pool, 13 world records have been broken. All in the Racer.

Surely, that is no coincidence. The suit (designed with help from NASA) repels water, molds the swimmer’s body into a perfectly aerodynamic shape and even helps a bit with buoyency. Those unable to wear the suit (due to endorsements with other companies) are crying foul: their Racer-wearing opponents have an unfair advantage.

If I were a swimmer, I would be pissed off too. But I am not. I am simply a fan and to me there is a much larger issue here…

The fact that this suit covers up…everything.

Seriously; what the hell happened to the itty bitty Speedos of our past? I know that NO ONE wants to see those on some fat old dude on the beach, but BRING THEM BACK. These swimmers are in the best shape possible. I don’t care about records. I care about abs. And I want to see them.

I am not sure I can even justify watching the swimming competitions now. Sure, I want to see my fellow Wolverine, Michael Phelps, bring home 8 Golds, but I want to see him do it in one of these. Is that too much to ask?