I can’t believe I almost missed tonight’s episode of The Hills. The biggest episode of the season! Not only did Whitney get the job at DVF (which was a total shock to me!), but Spencer finally got Heidi drunk enough to marry him!

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

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Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt. I just barfed.

Even your lips can Go Green.

Tips for bullsh*tting an essay so you can go out and still pass that class.

Britney’s looking goooood on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Shampoo can clean more than just hair.

The most expensive college dorms (and they probably still suck).

The ins and outs of walking in heels.

Gratuitous hottie link. We couldn’t help it.

The Pink Sari Gang – standing up for women’s rights.

The best site for fashionistas on a budget. (That’s us!)

Tom and Katie have only been married for 2 years?

All along I thought things couldn’t get worse: the economy is in the crapper, I can’t fit into my skinny jeans and my Chi started smoking when I turned it on this morning.

Oh but they can.

And they did.

People are talkin’, and what are they saying? Spencer and Heidi got married in Cabo. (Insert scary movie sounds here.)

The wedding was allegedly unplanned, but there is not a person on this earth who believes that this wasn’t some major publicity stunt for the Devil Couple that fell out of the limelight when real things started happening. Like the election.

But now? I can only imagine the Speidi publicity storm that is about to erupt:

1. Exclusive wedding photos sold to the highest bidding tabloid.

2. Heidi and Spencer going to every late night talk show to discuss this secret wedding.

3. A new fashion line from Heidi with slutty and trashy wedding gowns for last minute brides.

4. Exclusive video footage (shot by someone Spencer and Heidi hired) of their deep and meaningful vows leaked to the press.

5. A love song duet with accompanying music video shot on the beach.

6. Their own (gasp) reality show…on Bravo.

Please God, if you are out there, let this not be true. And if it is true, please promise me they will be unable to procreate. Mankind is depending on you.