Anyone else forget that it was Monday yesterday? I spent my day BBQing with friends (or eating whatever they BBQed while I sat on the couch watching tv) only to come home, turn on my TV and realize I was halfway through The Hills. I was devastated (“SPENCER IS SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TONIGHT!!”), but then I realized that MTV was showing the episode 12 more times over the course of the evening.

When I finally did get to watch it, though, I was a little disappointed. I’ve said this before, but I know this show isn’t really real. I think anyone with half a brain and access to Us Weekly would know that. But I hate when MTV is careless with their editing, making it completely impossible for viewers to suspend their common sense and believe that this all might be real.

Case in point: Heidi gets engaged one night and asks Steph (presumably the next day) to invite Lauren. At the same time, Audrina and Lo have already received actual invitations. One might say, “Well, Lauren, that could have been shot months later.” Well, other people, I call bullsh*t, because then they pan back to Heidi and Lauren both talking to Steph about losing her job like it was only yesterday. I don’t know much about weddings (beyond the fact that I probably won’t have one until I’m 40), but I do know that it takes months to plan one and invitations do not just come out the next day.

But whatever. That’s not the point of this post.

The point is that Heidi is trying way too hard. And I’m not talking about the collagen in her lips. She’s trying too hard to bring Lauren back into her life. What happened to playing hard to get, Heids? First she sent Stephanie in to get Lauren to the wedding and she said no. She sent in Stephanie again and Lauren said no. She went to Lauren’s work herself (because people can just pop into your job in LA and no one cares) and Lauren said no…. and also said a whole lot more in a beautiful speech about love and aspiring to be like Heidi. Now, I know this is a tangent, but does anyone remember Heidi from season 1 of The Hills? The girl couldn’t even make it to class and dropped out of school after a week – Lauren aspired to be like a waste of space?

But Heidi didn’t stop there. She then sends Spencer in to make his first apology in 24 years. (Homeboy never apologized to his parents for being born, or to his friend for letting him keep that awful ‘stash?!) And he did it! He called Lauren up and admitted to the sex tape scandal and apologized for being such a turd.

While all this work may actually get Lauren to the wedding (duh, she goes, just watch “scenes from the next episode”), my main issue is that it is not going to get Lauren to be BFF with Heidi again. And that is why Heidi is a moron. She is putting so much pressure on having this person at her wedding – a person who couldn’t care less about her and really wants nothing to do with her and her new husband. Heidi should just focus on her $18,000 wedding dress and how she’s going to work those extensions and stop putting so much focus on whether or not LC will be sitting in the pews on her wedding day.

Oh and Brody? Stop being such a d-bag. I know I’ve always loved you, but it’s a real dick move to let your GF talk all that sh*t about Audrina, and even talk some sh*t too, when you were in the wrong that night too. It’s easy to put all the blame on the other woman, but you messed up too so it’s time to own up and be a man. PS. Audrina is hotter than that mess you are with. That is all.

Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, but Brody did come out of his hotel room in Hawaii and tell all the boys that he cheated on Jayde, right? (And what the hell kind of stripper name is Jayde, really?!) Does Brody consider sitting up all night talking about his GF with another girl cheating or was he just trying to impress his friends by telling them that he cheated?

Because this week we learn that he didn’t hook up with Audrina at all and they just slept – yes, slept – in the same bed. Being an adult woman, I do consider that inappropriate for someone in a relationship, but I wouldn’t call that cheating. And if it were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t get my trashy, Playmate entourage to stick their fake press-on nails in that poor girl’s face.

It’s not that big a deal. And my friends don’t wear fake nails.

I felt really bad for Audrina. Yes, it seems like girls in L.A. don’t understand the boundaries of liking men who are committed to someone else (See: Stacie…. if you consider Spencer to be a man), but Brody totally led that girl on. And then left her out to dry as his tranny-looking GF attacked her. I swear, if Audrina stuck around a little longer Jayde was gonna knock her out with the empty Jager bottle.

If Jayde was really so mad, she should take a break from Brody. But no – she can’t do that. Her career already peaked when she got naked for Playboy, so she’s gotta keep Brody around so she can get another 15 minutes of un-earned fame. Too bad having her back means taking a trip down Speidi path where he is going to alienate all of his friends just to have sex with a Playmate.

Seriously, if people attempted to learn about relationships from this show they’d walk away thinking that people in love make stupid decisions and end up losing all their friends. WTF, MTV?

I mean, look at Spencer and Heidi. They totally moved to Spray Tan/Blonde Hair Island and no one else was invited. Now they are in “therapy” dealing with the fact that they only have eachother…and it’s not that great. I could have told them that, you know, if I cared to see them in a happy relationship. But I didn’t and now they are spending their Saturday afternoons with a therapist instead of chasing the paparazzi through Hollywood and fake making out.

Gosh, I just hope they make it work. I really don’t know how it’s all going to turn out for them. Will they take that walk down the aisle? Will Heidi wear a Monique Lhullier dress and 1 million dollars in borrowed diamonds? Will Stephanie and Holly be the bridesmaids? Will LC show up? What about Kristen Cavillari? And will there be a weird pandemic of some dangerous flu that comes out of Mexico forcing Speidi to shorten their honeymoon and makeout in the airport wearing surgical masks?

I just don’t know. And we’re going to have to wait and find out. Ah! The suspense is going to kill me!!