So pigs are officially flying, Hell has frozen over, and Hermes Birkin bags are buy one/get one free.  Didn’t you hear?  The Kardashians penned a bestseller, y’all!  Pick those jaws up off the floor, it totally happened…and if the sales reports are accurate, there’s a good chance you yourself purchased a copy of Kardashian Konfidential.  And may I add, lovingly of course, what the eff were you thinking, girl!?

While I’m still trying to wrap my head around what this Great American Novel could possibly be about (Amazon is telling me something about sisterhood, feuding…wait, so it’s like a written account of their shows?), I think it’s important other celebrities not get the same idea.  Just because you have a television show or frequently appear in the pages of Us Weekly, don’t go thinkin’ you have thoughts that need sharin’.  I’ll tell you right now, I don’t care.

Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrity-written books.  Chelsea Handler?  Giuliana Rancic?  Jenny McCarthy?  Yes, please!  They’re funny, smart women with something interesting to say.  It’s when morons put pen to paper I get a little miffed.  Like if some of these people decided to become the next expert on dating, living, or telling all… Read More »

Take a break, dude. You deserve it!

Part of the reason I write a Weekly Ten is because I’m paying homage to my man David Letterman (seriously, my dad hasn’t ever missed an episode), and partly it’s because I like lists. Particularly lists where I can prattle on about whatever issue I feel is super relevant. Ya know, like how I’m just not that into you or being super fabulously sober.

This week I’ve decided to list the 10 jobs that totally deserve to sleep in past noon on this very special Labor Day. Why is it even called Labor Day? Shouldn’t it be Not-Labor Day? But I digress. Some people deserve a break for all they do/deal with on a daily basis. I don’t have the power to give it to them, but maybe they’ll note my appreciation and hook me up in the future.

So here are the people both on and off campus that totally deserve the holiday and our respect on this last official day of summer. Read More »

From triple-Ds to divorcees – my, how the mighty have fallen.  In what can only be the lamest publicity stunt in their short marriage (if it were even real in the first place), Spencer and Heidi have decided to call it quits.

Those healing crystals Spencer purchased must have reversed the brainwash job he did on his dearly beloved, because she’s finally spilling all the creepy details of their business deal relationship to her friends.  Cutting ties with friends and family?  Threatening guests with guns?  Signaling aliens? Apparently it’s all par for the course when you’re Speidi.

Now, I’m going to call bullsh*t on all this drama.  When you’ve already gotten your boobs to Ripley’s proportions and your husband is a new age, rape-stache wearing, gun toting maniac, you’ve pretty much shown the world all the cards in your deck of crazy.  Short of throwing Spencer on a judge’s stand for domestic violence, what’s there left for MTV to do?  Feature a massive marital blowout on the Hills’ series finale (people, you know it’s coming) and start spreading rumors of a split, that’s what!

Is a divorce really going to happen?  Possibly.  It would be a relatively neat and tidy finish to the ultimately insane PR move, there’s no denying it.  If both parties were looking for an out that didn’t shatter all the bizarre antics leading up to now, divorce would be it.  Who would blame them?  But then again, look at whom we’re talking about.  Would Spencer and Heidi really want to give up the limelight?  Like, forever?  As in the end of Speidi as we know it?  Read More »

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch. Read More »

So there it was: the season finale of The Hills.

You’d think MTV would give Kristin a little more time to pack up her things and get out of the house they rented for her, but no; they pushed her out on the last day of filming. Where will she go? I mean, I know Justin offered her to “check out my spot” (which, in my Justin Bobby dictionary, translates to “crash with me”), but I imagine that isn’t up to her lavish, beachfront living standards.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s a reason The Hills has never shot at Justin Bobby’s house. I’m picturing a dark, musty basement studio with leather and hair product everywhere. And a shower that’s never been used.

But if Kristin didn’t go there, what other options does she have? She can’t go back to her dad/yoga-stepmom’s house in Laguna – MTV was clearly paying for that one, too. And they probably packed up their protein shakes months ago. The only other person she’s got to turn to is Stacie and I’m pretty sure she lives in the backroom of that nasty bar she used to work at.

I guess Kristin better hope and pray that the ratings of this show didn’t drop low enough to end it. Homegirl needs an MTV house or she’ll be shacking up at casa de Brody and Jayde. Read More »

It’s October now, which means that there’s basically only one thing to talk about for the next 29 days: Halloween. (I had a conversation with a friend yesterday in which he revealed to me that he plans to dress up as a sexy Ghostbuster on the big night. That’s right—he.)

But All Hallow’s Eve isn’t just about costumes and candy—there’s been a lot of seriously scary stuff happening this week. And yes, technically it was the last week of September and only the first few days of October… but just go with my metaphor. Among the frightening things we’ve written about in the past seven days:

- Spencer and Heidi are buying a house together, probably so that they’ll have a place to raise a litter of devil-spawn with flesh-colored beards and fake boobs.

- Speaking of fake boobs, girls from “Rock of Love Bus” make $1,500 just for showing up at parties.

- The length of the school year might get extended. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.

- In my three-plus years of college, I’ve probably had every single one of these awful professors.

- The scary smart kids at Caltech and MIT, who might accidentally kill us all with a wacky prank gone wrong…

- … unless they all get Type Geek Diabetes first.

- Tufts outlawing having sex while your roommate’s in your room, which isn’t scary in itself but will lead to some seriously horrifying conversations between Tufts students and their parents.

- Guys who do nothing but eat chicken nuggets while watching football, playing poker, and quoting “Old School.”

- Going through the nail-biting experience of wondering if he, like, likes you likes you.

- Everything about this post, which makes me want to vomit in terror.

- And most frightening of all: you only have three more days to win a laptop from CC!

Anyone else feeling horribly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of TV on these days? It seems like only yesterday we were watching Crossroads on HBO because there was nothing. else. on. And now? Now our DVR is on overload and we have to cancel plans with our friends to fit it all in.

Case in point: tonight.

I was supposed to be hanging out with a boy I like, drinking the vodka I like and, hopefully, ending up in the position I like, but I had to cancel. Why? Because The Hills is back! I’m not missing out on an evening with the people I love to loathe for some guy.

He’ll be around tomorrow, but The Hills season premiere will only be on once.

Ok, so it will probably be on 1,000 more times this week, but I need to see it now. It’s bad enough I had to wait all summer watching reruns of Parental Control; I can’t wait another minute.

And in honor of the big return, I’ll be live-blogging the whole shebang, from Natasha Bedingfield to the scenes from next week. I’ll be covering the introduction of Kristin Cavallari, the return of now-married Speidi and those annoyingly long commercial breaks full of ads for Axe and the upcoming season of The Duel: 48.

So come back to this here website at 10 PM ET to watch with me. Who knows? Maybe if I’m feeling extra lively, I’ll stick around for the snoozefest known as The City. Maybe. I’m not sure even Olivia Palermo/Whitney’s wardrobe choices can motivate me to sit through that shiz for another season.

Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, but Brody did come out of his hotel room in Hawaii and tell all the boys that he cheated on Jayde, right? (And what the hell kind of stripper name is Jayde, really?!) Does Brody consider sitting up all night talking about his GF with another girl cheating or was he just trying to impress his friends by telling them that he cheated?

Because this week we learn that he didn’t hook up with Audrina at all and they just slept – yes, slept – in the same bed. Being an adult woman, I do consider that inappropriate for someone in a relationship, but I wouldn’t call that cheating. And if it were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t get my trashy, Playmate entourage to stick their fake press-on nails in that poor girl’s face.

It’s not that big a deal. And my friends don’t wear fake nails. Read More »

If only those things kept them from talking.

Buildings are falling in NYC.

The 10 things you learn when you are heartbroken.

Does coffee cause cellulite?!

Chuck Bass hearts Elvis.

Make those lips look luscious.

Even though I know full and well that The Hills is all a crock of reality sh*t, I still spend a good chunk of each episode pulling out the proof. For example, if the show were real, then there would be no way Lauren would get to take time off from her internship last minute to jet-set to Hawaii.  And if the show were real, that Bible in Spencer’s hand would have been real….and would have burned at his touch.

Because there is no way the devil can hold the word of God in his hands and walk away unscathed, right?

All that aside, though, I have never been as entertained by this show as I was when watching Speidi hold bible study in their den of sin with Heidi’s ex boyfriend and his current tranny girlfriend. I know, I know; those two Crested Butte kids are good people and I shouldn’t hate, but when that girl walked into dinner, I really thought she was a man. In an old man’s Hawaiian shirt. Read More »