Nice hair, Bart Simpson

Spencer and Heidi get a verbal beat down.

Joe Francis out of money.

Bundle up (and look cute doin’ it!) this winter.

Well, hello there, Zac Efron.

The biggest hair trends of the season.

Adam Lambert must tone down the gay.

I’ll be honest: sometimes it’s hard to find stuff to write about from The Hills. Something new, at least. And last night’s episodes was one of the most difficult yet, due to the fact that every conversation had was just a recap of the one in the scene before it.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka! Read More »

Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching: Read More »

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.” Read More »

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO? Read More »

It’s hard not to smile when you first see this now-notorious picture from last month’s Glamour. Whether fashion mags are just trying to cash in on a long-neglected market or they’re actually making a concentrated effort to diversify their glossy pages, it’s incredibly refreshing to see a “plus-sized” woman with a tiny paunch being portrayed as confident and sexy rather than dumpy and in need of an emergency juice fast.

And the lady on page 194 isn’t this week’s only bright spot—our posts since Monday have been full of pluses. For example:

- Something called the Amethyst Initiative wants to lower the drinking age, which should come in handy when your study group wants to start pounding shots. Drunk studying for midterms: CC tested, commenter approved.

- Dressing up for Halloween doesn’t necessarily mean looking like a hooker, unless, you know, you want to look like a hooker with a sense of humor.

- Getting ready for unscheduled boot-knocking is simple…

… as is buying fresh, healthy produce.

- And speaking of produce: it’s finally pumpkin season! Mmmmm, pie.

- There are bright-eyed, bushy-tailed freshmen out there who are somehow excited about writing papers. That’s just heartwarming.

- AskMen.com’s list of 2009’s most influential dudes is light on substance, but heavy on eye candy. As far as I’m concerned, Don Draper can top any list he wants.

Of course, this week wasn’t all sunshine and pumpkins—we had to deal with bad kissers, Spencer Pratt’s continued douchitude, and, er… how to deal when your guy wants to use the back door. But for now, let’s focus on the positive. Have a great weekend!

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995. Read More »

No sh*t. It’s probs the cowboy hat.

Target has bomber jackets. And they’re cute!

It’s official: Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom.

Chris Brown’s got a new song.

Matt LeBlanc’s coming back to TV!

M.A.C. makeup takes inspiration from the walk of shame.

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.” Read More »

Okay girls, The Hills premiere is almost here! (September 29 at 10 pm, to be exact). I’m totally freaking out! I can barely contain my excitement. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing that I’m counting down the hours, but who’s with me?

Tomorrow night we can finally resume our  weekly ritual of guilty pleasures. For me it’ll be nachos, a glass of cheap wine and a drama packed half hour of catty girl fights in gorgeous outfits.

All the hype of Kristen replacing LC had me reminiscing of high school nights when I would crowd around the TV with my girlfriends to watch the Stephen-Colletti-tug-of-war on Laguna Beach. So, I sat down this weekend for a little revisit to the beginnings of this cash cow of a reality show that’s spitting out celebrities at an Octomom rate.

I’m not going to lie, taking this little trip down memory lane had me a bit melancholy, as I revisited the cast when they still used to consume solid food, had hair that didn’t scream bleach bottle, and sported an authentic California tan instead of layers of cakey makeup.

I’m a sucker for the drama of the new Hills season, but I’ll always miss the natural innocence of the girls that charmed us in the beginning.

Read More »