Okay, so I don’t know if you ladies have heard the news, but apparently Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are actually dating, which really just makes my skin crawl. I mean the girl is legitimately half his age. It’s weird and it’s creepy. And since I am forever grateful that Scarlett let go of Ryan Reynolds so we could some day find each other and be together, I felt it my duty to at least point that out.

But in the process, their creepy crawly relationship got me thinking about all of the other creepy celebrity couples I’ve encountered over the years. And, well, there were actually quite a few of them. Ugh, my stomach is churning. Read More »

So for those of you not in the know, Bieber cut his luscious locks. I should admit I don’t have Bieber fever, and I actually think he looks 10 times better without that awkward swoop thing that Tom Brady Stole. Which brings me to my next point…why is this news? Why is this a top story of all my favorite celebrity blogs?

I get hair cuts all the time and it never stops the presses, so why should Bieber’s new shag be talked about like it actually means anything? Or our favorite friend, Jen’s, new style (which isn’t new for anyone who actually watched ‘Friends’).

Shouldn’t we be more focused on other things, like I don’t know…their talent? Career? Upcoming movies? Or anything else remotely interesting? But their hair — I mean, come on people, when did celebrities’ hair styles become more popular than the celebrities themselves?

Well I guess a while ago, because after doing a little bit of research, I discovered that Justin and Jen aren’t the first celebrity haircuts to set the world on fire…here are 17 more: Read More »

I am sure a little part of all of us wanted to be famous at one point in our lives.  A little piece of my heart wants to sing on ‘American Idol,’ design a dress for an Olympian figure skater (kudos, Vera Wang), or get insulted by Kanye West on live television.  Whichever way you put it, being famous does not seem that bad…but the getting there is tough.  Unless you are Justin Bieber whose ‘getting there’ involved a YouTube video and a cute haircut. Needless to say, I am impressed.

But besides YouTube, there are other ways you can become famous in lightning bolt fashion. If you long to walk red carpets, get chased by paparazzi and rub elbows with Hollywood’s A-listers, take a little advice from these fameballs on how to get real famous, real fast.

Get Fat (Kirsti Alley, Kevin Federline)
It’s been a long time since the woman who found fame on Cheers and later stole my heart in Look Who’s Talking (one of my favorite adolescent movies out there) was the topic of pop culture conversation. That is until she got fat. Then skinny. Then graced the tabloid covers once again grasping a donut and looking into the camera lens with 10 double chins. And now Kirstie’s showing up on Oprah, starting her own weight loss line (??) and starring in, Kirstie Alley’s Big Life, a reality show about her quest to lose weight. Again. Read More »

Well, we all know the big news this week was Demi Lovato’s breakdown, which stirred up a lot of controversy (and not just on CC!). I would like to focus on everything else that happened this week instead of focusing on her very personal issues. We truly wish her well, and I want to respect her family’s wishes to keep out of it.

On a lighter note, there are some interesting things going on in Hollywood that don’t involve all kinds of Charlie Sheen/Mel Gibson crazy. And is it just me or are there a ton of movie trailers coming out all of a sudden? Like I need more distractions from class!

Read More »

Jump-starting your music career: $2 million
Cultivating a collection of magic crystals: $500,000
Surgically enhanced boobs that double as a life jacket: $300,000

Your favorite reality villains going completely broke: Priceless.

In a move that had to have been endorsed by God Himself, the fates that be zapped all of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s money into oblivion.  They’re bust.  Belly up.  Runnin’ on empty.  Got less dough than a Pizza Hut.  Basically, they’re poor.

Some sources are saying it’s because Heidi’s never met a designer bag she didn’t need to have, others are saying Spencer’s the one with the shopping problem.  From night vision goggles to NASA approved telescopes, he’s got more gadgets in his house than Stephen Hawking has on his wheelchair.  Add to this the fact that they owe money on various back taxes and mortgages and that The Hills (aka their paycheck) no longer exists…it becomes supremely clear that Speidi are in need of a career reboot.  Or at least a short-term scam to earn them some extra green.

But what can these two- okay, four if we’re counting Heidi’s…friends- washed up reality stars do that they haven’t already done?

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This week I’d like to dedicate this post to Chelsea Handler, who despite flubbing some punchlines at the VMAs, is still totally awesome.

That being said, this week has been filled with a lot of post-VMA talk over T-Swift’s downer of a diary entry, Biebs owning it, Rihanna’s red hair, and Kanye’s ode to douchelords. Kanye’s song (and sick gold necklace) rocked, by the way. Just sayin’. Anyway, there were some non-VMA related things that happened so let’s break it down.

Big Mac (and a milkshake)

1. Shelley Malil, that guy from 40-Year-Old Virgin, has been found guilty of attempted murder. He’s facing 21 years to life for the premeditated attempted murder of his ex-girlfriend, Kendra Beebe. Shelley pled not guilty and claims he accidentally stabbed her (over 20 times) because he thought it was someone else trying to attack him. Mmmmk.

2.Watch out world – Speidi’s back! We all speculated that their “divorce” was a publicity stunt, but now the two claim they’ve reignited that special flame. (And how they did that when Satan Pratt is sporting a giant pube beard I’ll never know.) Wondering what this duo has been up to? Well, they were reportedly renting a home in Malibu this summer, made a bunch of renovations without telling the owner, and then hopped over to Costa Rica where Spencer got arrested last week on weapon charges. I guess congrats for saving your marriage? Read More »

Okay, when did the Jersey Shore become about heartfelt “feelings” and “emotions” instead of bar fights, beating the beat and smushing? SERIOUSLY. Thank goodness we had MVP running a very serious game plan last night about how they were going to maneuver three girls and a grenade to get us through the hour. The Situation stepping up to the role as commander and directing his men to deal with the “hippopotamus” was disgusting, yes, but also the heart of why we love the Jersey Shore.

Let’s step it up a bit, though; even the Real Housewives of NJ have more fire in their bellies than the J. Shore kids these days. We need more excitement. More humor. Come on! Don’t make me put JWoww and Teresa Giudice in the same room.

Not that there wasn’t a lot going on last night. There was that (connived?) drama caused by Sam and Ron and a little type-written note by JWoww and Snookie. (Or, as Ron likes to refer to her, Shnookie. How does he still not know her name?) The girls wanted to tell Sam that Ron’s being a dirtbag but they don’t want to upset the house dynamic so, you know, they decided sneaking around and lying was the way to go. Because Sam will never turn on the TV find out, right? Of course, when the bomb (read: Scary Sammi and Roid Rage Ronnie) blew up, the only one who owned up to Ron doing everything listed on the note was The Situation, imparting the great wisdom, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

Which pretty much sums up why we all watch this terrible, trainwreck of humanity. And we just can’t look away. every. single. week. Read More »

"I shoulda gone with the crotchless bottoms. Vajayjay shots get way more press."

Those who follow Heidi Montag’s tweets know the girl can say some pretty bizarre stuff.  And chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of her in action either in the latest tabloids or on The Hills (RIP).  Her one-liners are worth 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day a million bucks, and her rational is simply priceless.  Watch out, though.  You better not take what she says at face value, lest you fall into the PR trap that (for better or worse) is Heidi Montag.

Luckily, I’m fluent in TwoFacedFameWhore, the rare language indigenous to Speidiland, and I’m here to provide a little light…

Heidi tweets: “@LaurenConrad you were so right! Spencer is soooooooooo (Writer’s Note- there were a lot of Os; I didn’t feel like counting them all)ooooooooooo sucky!!!”
Heidi means: “I miss the days when it was just you and me, Lauren.  When I was on a show with steady ratings and had an attractive boyfriend who gave me a small dog for Christmas and…huh, wonder whatever happened to the dog.  Oh well!” Read More »

Ok, wow – the September issue of Glamour is so thick and heavy I want to beat Spencer Pratt over the head with it whenever he tries to find enlightenment and become a better person by wearing tie-dye and rubbing his face with crystals.  It’s stock full of over 400 (!!) pages and it’s the biggest issue in 20 years.

That’s a lot room for ad space fabulous articles, Glamour. This is good!  Just another reason to love September.

Well, first of all – this issue was tantalizingly fabulous.  Honestly, after flipping through 89 pages of ads, I read it cover to cover in about 2 hours – the way you read a magazine when you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to sink everything all in (reading the copy of the ads and the editor’s note).  September’s Glamour featured a lengthy spread with Justin Bieber awkwardly hanging out in an arcade with a (significantly older) female model.  However, J-Lo spiced up the pages with a totally hot photo shoot wearing leopard print, writing on mirrors with lipstick, and eating Chinese take-out decked out in stilettos and cat woman glasses. Standard.

Other articles told me what my headaches really mean, how to perfect a beautoumous blow-out, a fab article about perfecting the ‘classic look’ with Tommy Hilfiger, and the ever-so-helpful ‘Girl’s Guide to Appetizers,’ which made me curse everything I’ve lived for since I’ve thought quesadillas were the healthy choice.  At 1,000 calories a pop, Glamour claimed otherwise. For some reason I just received the same feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did when my mother told me Santa Clause wasn’t real.

Anywho, within in the depths of the juicy pages of Glamour this month (I seriously had such a such a good time reading this issue that I brought it with me to the bathroom….twice. Stupid quesadillas…), a particular article made me stop my heavy page scanning in my tracks. Entitled ‘Six Ways to Rule the World,’ I, an ambitious yet unemployed recent grad, was ready for some inspiration. Read More »

Nothing causes me more anxiety and ill feelings than watching Kelly Bensimon talk on the Real Housewives of New York. Seriously, it makes my stomach churn more than watching those addicts stick needles in their arms on Intervention (barf). The woman is infuriating and I think my neighbor (who hears me screaming through the wall) would agree that I’d be better off without her.

Same goes for Tyra Banks (who does she think she is?!), Ke$ha, Olivia Palermo, Katherine Hiegl and the entire cast of Jersey Couture (no, I don’t know why I keep on watching it). These people shouldn’t be allowed to speak, let alone speak on camera. In fact, I think the world would be a much better place if we never had to hear from them again. Wouldn’t that be heavenly?

So let’s all start a wish list of the celebrities we want to pack up and ship off to an island far, far away. A land filled with dangerous animals, poisonous fruits and zero Internet access or cell phone service.

Who are you giving your first ticket to?

Emmy-Loyola University Chicago: Spencer from The Hills. No one deserves it more.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I would send Tyler Perry away. The world has enough fat-lady-who’s-really-a-skinny-black-man comedies, and he’s making the same crappy non-funny movies over and over and over again. And if he has one more sitcom start up on TBS, I’ll scream.

Charlsie – Hollins Univeristy: I’d like to send Real Housewife of NJ Danielle Staub to an island where she can’t hide in Bentleys from the snakes!

Read More »