Nice hair, Bart Simpson

Spencer and Heidi get a verbal beat down.

Joe Francis out of money.

Bundle up (and look cute doin’ it!) this winter.

Well, hello there, Zac Efron.

The biggest hair trends of the season.

Adam Lambert must tone down the gay.

I’ll be honest: sometimes it’s hard to find stuff to write about from The Hills. Something new, at least. And last night’s episodes was one of the most difficult yet, due to the fact that every conversation had was just a recap of the one in the scene before it.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka!

4. And now Jayde has to fork over the $12 for that drink? You know that girl is gonna freak out and punch Kristin next time she sees her for sticking her with the bill.

5. Then Kristin gets all dolled up the next night to meet up with Brody and make him want her lady goods – again, over a meal – and what happens? He tells her he’s getting back with dumb Jayde. (Dumb might actually be an understatement.) So now Kristin has to sit there, pretend she’s happy for him and finish her meal. Couldn’t this conversation have been had on the phone so she could hang up, cry, then raid her fridge?

6. Uh, hello Jersey Shore commercial!! I can’t possibly be the only one counting down the minutes until that sh*tshow kicks off on December 3^rd. Unlike this trainwreck, those Jersey Shore kids look 100% real. Trust me; those guys really do spend 25 minutes getting their hair ready. This is like my favorite True Life episode of all time on steroids. OMG I’M GIDDY!

7. If there were an IQ minimum for being on this show, I think Lo Bosworth would be doing a solo act.

8. Speaking of morons, where has Stephanie Pratt been? And Holly? Are they rehabbing it up together?

9. When Kristin and Brody go on their non-date, she tells him she’s “sick of being in the middle of all this.” “This,” of course, is a reference to the Jayde/Brody drama and the Audrina/Justin Bobby drama. Anyone else think maybe it’s time she stopped dating in the inner circle (Read: the paid cast) and maybe met someone who wasn’t sorta attached to someone else? Maybe? Possibly? Anyone?

10. Brody taught me a very important lesson last night: love makes you do stupid things. Or stupid people. With really grating voices. Who drag out the vowels in every single word. And wear Playboy bunny necklaces out to the bar. I agree with Kristin – he can do a lot better. Like me.

Just sayin’.

Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching:

1. Spencer almost gets a vasectomy or, as he calls it, “So you do go punch into the nuts.” It’s always nice to see a mature adult discuss a serious procedure like this with his doctor. Just the thought of someone taking away Spencer’s abilities to reproduce made me giddy. If that doctor could have convinced Spencer to go through with the procedure he would have won a Nobel Prize, for sure. Unfortch, comparing Spence’s penis parts to types of pasta sent ol’ flesh-beard over the edge and he ran out of there like a little biatch.

2. Audrina meets up with Justin Bobby to tell him that she still…um…you know….gosh, why is this so hard?….she likes him. And what does JB do? What he always does, of course; he turns it around and makes Audrina feel like she did this to him.

“When you pushed me away you pushed me into someone else.”

Uggggh, Justin Bobby. UGH! But that’s not even my biggest issue. No. JB has always been a giant dickhead to Audrina – who is really surprised by that anymore? The real problem here is that he wore a leather jacket without a shirt under it. WHO DOES THAT? Can you imagine what that smells like if he’s sweating in there? OMG, just the thought is bringing my Kashi Go Lean Crunch back up.

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.”

Naturally, with moves like those, everyone and anyone could tell that Holly had developed a serious drinking problem. No one who has control over themselves and their bodies can pull moves like that…in front of other people. And I agree that the girl was totally out of line and embarrassing at the Brent Bolthouse party, but it seems a little ironic that the two people who seemed most bothered by her antics were:

1. Stephanie Pratt, a girl who just got arrested for a DUI
2. Spencer Pratt, a guy who wore an ill-fitting cowboy hat to a high class event in Hollywood.

Why don’t we cut the girl some slack? Lord knows if was to be tied to those two turds through marriage for the rest of my life (or at least until the Paparazzi stop taking their damn photo), I’d get hammered all the time, too. I mean, how else does one deal with flesh-beard?!

And speaking of people who make me want to hit the bottle super, duper hard, let’s talk about Justin Bobby. And when I say “hit the bottle” I mean “hit the bottle over his annoying hooded head.” Just wanted to clarify.

So Justin is playing two girls. Fine. One of them is an annoying fake who acts tough and cool (and suddenly has a giant house in Laguna that MTV definitely bought for her parents since her old Laguna house did NOT look like that) and the other is a total pushover who lets him walk all over her in his Doc Martins. Frankly, they both deserve it and I don’t really care how this ends up. Unless it ends in a giant girl fight, in which case my money is totally on Audrina. Have you seen her teeth? She could tear Kristen’s flesh from her bones in one quick chomp.

But I digress. My problem with this situation is that JB dated Audrina for 4 years and still doesn’t know her name.

“I’d never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge.”

Uh, homeboy, maybe that’s because you never dated an Audrina Patridge. You dated/dicked over Audrina PaRRRRtridge. R. Rrrr. Something you might have noticed or heard if you took that grease beanie off your head 3 seasons ago.

Oh god. Now I’m all heated up.

I’m gonna pull a Holly and get me a margarita.

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO?

Question 4:
Who in their right mind would let such an adorable child interact with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? Oh, and that hipster dude with the ‘stache. I can see it now: an E! True Hollywood story on the Speidi-kid-next-door. That kid is effed.

Question 5:
What is up with the MTV labels these days? When Justin Bobby is hanging out with Kristin he’s being labeled “Audrina’s Ex Boyfriend.” And Brody is being referred to as “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend”? Uh, MTV, we know who these guys are; not only do they not need a label at all, but they definitely don’t need labels that stir the pot and start more dramz.

Question 6:
Uh, where is Luke Verge, Brody’s BFF that he chose on Bromance? Why wasn’t he at the party?

Question 7:
Hey Brody, when did you get so deep: ““Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong.”

Question 8:
Which will come first: the end of Spencer’s cowboy-hat-wearing days or the end of Speidi’s marriage? On second thought, when will those two turds just GO AWAY?

It’s hard not to smile when you first see this now-notorious picture from last month’s Glamour. Whether fashion mags are just trying to cash in on a long-neglected market or they’re actually making a concentrated effort to diversify their glossy pages, it’s incredibly refreshing to see a “plus-sized” woman with a tiny paunch being portrayed as confident and sexy rather than dumpy and in need of an emergency juice fast.

And the lady on page 194 isn’t this week’s only bright spot—our posts since Monday have been full of pluses. For example:

- Something called the Amethyst Initiative wants to lower the drinking age, which should come in handy when your study group wants to start pounding shots. Drunk studying for midterms: CC tested, commenter approved.

- Dressing up for Halloween doesn’t necessarily mean looking like a hooker, unless, you know, you want to look like a hooker with a sense of humor.

- Getting ready for unscheduled boot-knocking is simple…

… as is buying fresh, healthy produce.

- And speaking of produce: it’s finally pumpkin season! Mmmmm, pie.

- There are bright-eyed, bushy-tailed freshmen out there who are somehow excited about writing papers. That’s just heartwarming.

- AskMen.com’s list of 2009’s most influential dudes is light on substance, but heavy on eye candy. As far as I’m concerned, Don Draper can top any list he wants.

Of course, this week wasn’t all sunshine and pumpkins—we had to deal with bad kissers, Spencer Pratt’s continued douchitude, and, er… how to deal when your guy wants to use the back door. But for now, let’s focus on the positive. Have a great weekend!

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995.

Kristin is my worst nightmare. She’s the kind of girl that wants everyone to think she’s spunky and blunt and honest, because that makes her look better than everyone else. She throws girls under the bus when she’s hanging out with guys to make herself look like the “cool, laid back chick,” then turns around and lies to the very girls she claims are her friends.

The fact that she is trying to convince not only Lo, Stacie (why is this girl friends with Kristin? How did the bartender get into the group? Can someone at MTV explain THAT one, please?!) and Justin Bobby, but also herself, that she met up with JB to tell him nothing was going to happen makes me want to claw her little eyes out.

Listen, Kristin; I’ve been around the block a few times and I know just what to say to get a guy to take you home and get you naked. I also know just what to say if that man is the last person on earth you want to get naked with. I am fairly confident that “I have the best bed” works with the former and “I can’t hook up with you because I respect your big-toothed ex girlfriend” works better in the latter sitch. Just sayin’.

Not that I really need to explain this to anyone, as Kristin and a newly shaved JB were caught sucking face at the club. (Kudos to MTV for that editing – Kristin and Justin Bobby are smooching while Audrina watches some Emo girl band sing “is there anything left that will satisfy me?”) Poor Audrina. Naturally, Stephanie (who is in serious need of a cookie) runs to Audrina to tell her the news. And because Justin Bobby is such a dreamboat, Audrina is a hot mess when she hears this.

“He’s just so different now,” She cried.

Uh, sorry Audrina, but JB is not different at all. He’s still treating you like crapola, just like he did the entire time you were dating.

Well, maybe he did change a little. He shaved, stopped wearing dirty ski caps and refrained from burping and farting on his first date with Kristin. But he’s still the same jerk to Audrina.

I just hope this new couple works out – these too ass-clowns totally deserve each other. And we all know that The Hills needs one totally dysfunctional couple. That used to be Speidi but I have a gut feeling (and I’m totes gonna trust this one) that Heidi is going to wake up one day and realize what an idiot she’s been.

And that her face looks totally ridiculous.

I’d just like to highlight my favorite moments from their relationship last night:

Heidi, discussing her desire to have kids: “He needs to be outside of himself.” Ok, great. She realized what a selfish prick Spencer is, but isn’t it a little LATE TO NOTICE A GIANT CHARACTER FLAW like that?  That isn’t something you can just change about someone. That is who he is until the day he dies (fingers crossed to that happening sooner rather than later. I kid. Sorta).

And Spencer, discussing why he doesn’t want kids: “I can barely be around adults how am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?” If only he realized how much money he could get from selling the photos of his spawn to the Tabloids. The moment that happens, those two turds will have a litter.

No sh*t. It’s probs the cowboy hat.

Target has bomber jackets. And they’re cute!

It’s official: Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom.

Chris Brown’s got a new song.

Matt LeBlanc’s coming back to TV!

M.A.C. makeup takes inspiration from the walk of shame.

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.”

10:04: Brody’s GF just walks around in a bikini? Oh wait – she’s speaking. It’s clear that her bikini body is all she has to offer.

10:05: Notice how there is no mention of how Kristin can afford a BMW or Louboutins. But what can I expect? We’re always supposed to suspend belief. I can’t wait to see what that bitch does when she arrives at this party.

10:06: Nice beard, Justin Bobby!

10:07: Everyone’s giving Kristin the stink eye. I am just waiting for SOMEONE to realize that Justin Bobby is NOT WORTH anyone’s attention.

10:08: OMG. First fight already and we’re only 8 minutes in. How did this even happen? And let’s talk about the script writers. “Oh it’s gonna be like this? It’s gonna be like this! This is what it’s gonna be like.” Um, Kristin, you’re a white girl from LAGUNA BEACH. What are you gonna do? Whip your Marc Jacobs in her face?

And Audrina, don’t start fights – we wouldn’t want someone to pop your boobs.

10:11: SAW 6? Are you serious? They’re still making those movies? I peed my pants when I saw the first one. True story.

10:14: “How can one person turn all of our lives up-side-down?” Uh, Steph, have you met your brother?

10:15: OMG. It’s real. That cowboy hat is REALLY HAPPENING.

10:16: Um, it’s weird enough that Kristin was invited to this little birthday party, but how the hell did Stacie end up there? And I’m totally agreeing with Lo’s thoughts on Kristin:  “I just don’t want to get on her bad side.” Is it weird that so many people have said the exact same thing about me?

10:17: I HATE KRISTIN. She’s pretending to like bball just to hang out with the boys by herself. BIGGEST PET PEEVE. I guarantee this is the first game she’s watched and she is confused because there are no goal posts or helmets.

10:19: This juvenile flirting between Kristin and JB is making me want to barf. I think I’d rather watch Speidi do that fake kissy thing for the paparazzi than watch Dirty McBeard and Slutty McSkank snuggle up together.

10:24: Spencer and Heidi are house shopping. For a porno pad, apparently. And Spencer went against Heidi AGAIN and put a deposit on a house before even talking to her. Good to see marriage has matured him. “It’s my way or the boring way. Na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.”

10:26: Did Steph really expect Kristin to say hi to her after she got all up in her shiz at the other party? Are all girls this delusional? Am I that delusional?

10:28: Kristin: “I had second thoughts about coming here.” Kristin says it’s because of Audrina, but I think it’s because of JB’s greasy hair. She only saw him in a hat before and now he’s hat free…and it’s not pretty.

10:29: “I have the best bed.” She’s so smooth, this Kristin Cavallari. And OMG, did Justin Bobby just smile? It’s so…scary.

And….end scene.

Well, I have to say, MTV did a good job casting Kristin in Lauren’s place. This girl definitely brings the bitch and we may even get some more physical fights a la Spencer’s fist brawl last season. So far Jayde hates her, Audrina hates her, Stephanie hates her, and I’m sure Lo hates her but she’s just afraid to admit it.

I don’t know about you, but I’m hooked. Not that I wasn’t before. I’ve been watching since Kristin was making kissy faces with Stephen Coletti in the back of his white Toyota pick-up and I’m not ready to stop now. As much as it pains me to say this, I can’t wait for the rest of the season. Especially if Spencer keeps donning that ridiculous hat.

I’ll be recappin the action every Wednesday morning, so come back every week to dish it over with me.

Okay girls, The Hills premiere is almost here! (September 29 at 10 pm, to be exact). I’m totally freaking out! I can barely contain my excitement. Yes, I know it is extremely embarrassing that I’m counting down the hours, but who’s with me?

Tomorrow night we can finally resume our  weekly ritual of guilty pleasures. For me it’ll be nachos, a glass of cheap wine and a drama packed half hour of catty girl fights in gorgeous outfits.

All the hype of Kristen replacing LC had me reminiscing of high school nights when I would crowd around the TV with my girlfriends to watch the Stephen-Colletti-tug-of-war on Laguna Beach. So, I sat down this weekend for a little revisit to the beginnings of this cash cow of a reality show that’s spitting out celebrities at an Octomom rate.

I’m not going to lie, taking this little trip down memory lane had me a bit melancholy, as I revisited the cast when they still used to consume solid food, had hair that didn’t scream bleach bottle, and sported an authentic California tan instead of layers of cakey makeup.

I’m a sucker for the drama of the new Hills season, but I’ll always miss the natural innocence of the girls that charmed us in the beginning.

Heidi

When Heidi and LC first moved in together, I loved this girl. She was fun, she was real, and she was a good friend to our leading lady.

Now (a pair of boobs, a nose job, and a marriage to the biggest douche bag on the planet later) she’s the walking poster child for fake. Just another playboy wannabe, starving herself through Hollywood.

Audrina

Oh Audrina. I’ve never been able to get past that monotone, I-have-no-idea-what’s-going-on-ever thing you have going. But at least in the beginning you had that girl next door quality (no, really, Heidi recruited her as a friend at the condo’s pool.) Now her clueless look is accentuated with plunging necklines and a painful acting career.

Stephanie

At first, she had a chill, down to earth style; very laid back California girl. Now it looks like someone attacked her with an eye pencil, teeth whitener and an entire can of hairspray. I’ll cut her a little slack only because her blood relation to Spencer has got to be stressful, and she obviously can’t be sporting those bags and wrinkles on national TV.

Kristin

Whether you think she’s a bitch or admire her for her honesty, there’s no doubt that Kristen’s I-Don’t’Give-A-F!@% attitude is what had all the boys chasing her around Laguna. She was hot without trying, the perfect example of the confident, relaxed Cali chick. No doubt that confidence is still there, but now it’s stuffed into a skintight micro-mini and doused with bronzer. Not the fun, laid back look we used to admire.

What do you guys think? Do you like the new bombshell Hollywood makeovers or miss their early days of t-shirts and jean shorts?