Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me. Read More »

I can’t believe I almost missed tonight’s episode of The Hills. The biggest episode of the season! Not only did Whitney get the job at DVF (which was a total shock to me!), but Spencer finally got Heidi drunk enough to marry him!

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

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So, tonight’s episode kinda sucked. (Almost as bad as that picture to the left. Fo realz.) The best part of it was the hummus I scarfed down while watching. I can’t totally blame the people over at MTV, though; that episode of Gossip Girl was pretty hard to follow.

But, still – the episode actually opened up a lot more questions than it answered. Questions like:

1) What is the point of the whole Stephanie/Cameron relationship? I mean, really, why did this story line ever exist? Was it to show us that boys like Stephanie? Did MTV hope for it to cause more tension than it did? Maybe a bar brawl between Cameron, Brody and his Bromancers? Was it to bring Steph and Spencer together, or maybe tear them apart? Why?!

The love story lasted for like 5 minutes over the span of 6 episodes, so why are we supposed to care that they broke up? I just don’t understand. Enlighten me, people. (Speaking of Cameron, did anyone else notice when he tried to kiss Heidi hello and he totally got the back of her head? Awkward!)

2) Did MTV force Lauren’s parents out of their house? Lauren’s epiphanies about moving on and growing up seem a bit too…er…advanced for her to have come up with on her own, which leads me to believe that this was yet another scripted moment by the folks at MTV. Does that mean, then, that they forced her parents to move out of their mansion so they could create this moment? That’s a lot of packing for one crappy episode. Read More »

So, I was gone for a few weeks and missed out on a lot of Hills recapping. I was so excited to get back into it…until I actually watched tonight’s totally sucky episode. Like most episodes of The Hills, nothing really happened. In fact, the entire show can be broken down into two sentences:

Lauren and Audrina make up.

Spencer acts like a douche in front of his Nana.

Now, let’s take a closer look. Read More »

Well, tonight’s episode of The Hills definitely made up for last week’s lackluster performance. Big things happened! Audrina moved out! Heidi got drunk! And then she got fired!

OMFG it’s like drama overload.

Ok, breathe, Lauren. Let’s start from the beginning.

So, Audrina decides she wants to move out of the house and – poof! – she finds a place. And not just any place; a beautiful, huge, brand new place. What luck?! I mean, I spent 2 months looking for an apartment in NY before I found one…that was in Queens…and I shared with a girl who got drunk and ate in the bathroom and another girl who abused Ambien. Did I mention the lack of A/C? Read More »

For the first time all season, last night’s episode of The Hills was action packed! I was actually not that surprised, because of course everything would go down as soon as LC left town. Remember how everything changed when she went to Paris?

But still – it was intense. Things happened. And, more importantly, really deep conversations were had.

Like this doozy between Audrina and Lo as they ate lunch during their (forced) week of bonding:

“I have 2 knives,” says Audrina, confused.

“I have 2 forks,” responds Lo. “TRADE!!”

Ah, that is true friendship. They really are getting along – at least until the BIGGEST DRAMA EVER happens: Audrina starts chatting Heidi up at the bar and then meets up with Heidi (who happened to be wearing a lot of leather) and Spencer at the X-games party. And not only does she meet up with them, she starts getting all huggy and lovey with Heidi about their friendship and how they used to be BFF. Read More »

After watching last night’s episode of The Hills I couldn’t sleep. I was restless. I was angry. I just didn’t know who to hate more: Lo or Spencer. I also didn’t know if I should be embarrassed that I sorta wanna watch My Super Sweet Sixteen presents: Exiled. But that is for a whole different blog.

I used to love Lo. In fact, I considered my 25th birthday to be one of my favorites because it was the day I got to interview her. Too bad I suck at picking people to love, because that girl is a serious biatch.

I get it, Lo; Audrina is sorta bland and boring and you hate her cuz her legs are ridiculous. But stop being such a bitch. She may not be the brightest crayon in the box (although she most definitely is the tannest), but she is a nice girl and wants nothing but good things for those around her. Plus, she is your best friend’s other best friend and, quite frankly, she looked a lot better than you at She-Pratt’s birthday party. What was UP with your hair? And the red lips? You looked like a crazy cat lady.

And then there is Spencer. Oh Spencer – how many times can I possibly write how much I loathe you? Your life consists of one thing: being a bitch. You don’t work, you don’t have friends – all you do is plot evil plans with Heidi (consisting of either awful music videos, photo shoots or ways to make LC’s life a living hell) and eat Mexican food. Read More »

Bye, Bye, Bye Lou Pearlman!

Oh, to be John Mayer’s camera.

I really think teenagers are getting dumber by the minute–er, MySpace

Ali Lohan: 14 going on 40

It’s summertime: learn how to apply bronzer

I take back all earlier judgement: I kind of dig Natalie Portman and her boo

Libertarian Ocean Colonies are totally the new Facebook

Heidi and Spencer’s PDA and gender-stereotyping outfits

Don’t forget to call Grandma–it’s Sinatra Day!

Beyonce is too famous for church or modesty

Yesterday was one of the best Mondays I have had in a long time. I got some great personal news, it was Cinco De Mayo (so I celebrated that great news with some tequila shots) and Gossip Girl was so. freaking. good. And then The Hills came on, and my day took a turn for the worse.

I don’t know if it was the fact that everything was just so great all day or that maybe I am just finally catching on to what everyone else has been saying (that nothing ever really happens on this damn show), but I just didn’t have love for The Hills last night. Lauren turned into an uber snooty bitch and Lo, my favorite of all reality show stars, was the ring leader of bitchiness. Read More »

Last night’s episode of The Hills made me realize three things:

1. I hate Lauren. Ok, hate is a strong word, but I am a little peeved. This girl has like zero talent, yet Us Weekly names her the Celeb Designer of the year and she gets to move into this fabulous new pad? With a pool and a guest house?
2. Watching the show on a regular TV versus my HD makes Heidi look much less scary. The less sharp the picture the better.
3. Stephanie Pratt’s hair gets bigger each episode

So, obviously, the main event last night was the big move for Lauren, Lo and Audrina. And obviously, Audrina gets shunned to the guest house out in the backyard. That’s not awkward or uncomfortable at all. I guess it works out well for her, though, so she can sneak shady JB in and out without Mama Conrad finding out.

To celebrate the new digs the girls throw a mansion warming party and everyone who is anyone is there. Brody comes with his boobtacular new lady (and a juicer!), Stephen comes with a bag of Jelly Bellys and JB comes with a new ‘do. And I have to admit: he looked really cute…until I noticed the 80’s style cut off denim vest he was sporting. Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps.

Stephanie Pratt was invited, but couldn’t make it after being guilt tripped by her bro (who frequents Central Perk, apparently) and Heidi. Both interactions really make me question Ms. Pratt’s mental state. I have to ask again: does she really think that everyone is going to be ok with her being friends with LC? She acts so surprised every time she is confronted and I just don’t get it. This girl really needs a mental evaluation. Or maybe I, like everyone else involved, have just been totally duped by Her Pratt-ness and this is all part of some big evil plan. I can almost hear her cackling in the back of my head.

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