Please let me take a moment to apologize for a lack of recap on last week’s season premier. I left DVRing up to my mother while I watched MSU get slaughtered in the NCAA championship…. And then came home to find out she doesn’t know how to DVR. (She then backed into my car in the driveway the next morning, which is why I am no longer coming home for Passover. Ruin my life once, shame on me. Ruin my life twice… well, you know the rest.)

The double feature was amazing (the boat party, the trip to Crystal Butte, Spencer throwin’ punches) and I am super grateful that MTV likes to show everything 42 times in a week.  Though I still do not forgive my mother.

Anyways, last night’s episode – while not quite as action packed as last week – was also pretty, pretty good. I always love an awkward interaction and boy did we get it when Stephanie applied for a job with People’s Revolution. Granted, I would be crapping my pants if I had to interview with Kelly Cutrone (her teeth are scarier than her ‘tude), but I would also make sure my resume was perfection before I walked through the door. I would also probably learn the difference between “professional attire” and doing my hair like a meth addict.

But that’s just me.

Kelly took one look at Steph, then chewed her up with those fangs and spit her out.  She doesn’t like Steph, but I think that’s why she hired her. That bitch loves to cut people up, and I can’t wait to see what she does to poor Ms. Pratt.  Although, it can’t be worse than dealing with Spence, right?

Speaking of Spencer, the other major dramz in the episode was with Speidi. Heidi returns to LA from visiting Mama Pratt and immediately starts fighting with the Bearded Spencer. I have to ask: does anyone else notice that when Heidi leaves town Spencer grows a beard? Do you think maybe shaving his face is a couples activity? Ew.

So, Heidi’s back and the couple starts fighting and Spencer acts like a baby. He leaves and decides to “hit the clubs” with his mustached, 40-year-old-looking friend…and the bartender. Heidi and Steph decide to do a little recon work and go to every bar in the city that might be cool that night. Weird! They found him on the first try!

“Oh my gosh, you’re right. He’s here.” Best acting ever, Heidi. So, there is confrontation and name calling (“slut,” “crazy,” “home-wrecker”), but much to my dismay, there is no platinum-weave-pulling.

Heidi spends the night on Steph’s couch and wakes up really distraught about the whole thing….with a lot of perfect makeup on. Now, I’ve slept in my makeup post bar hundreds of times, so I know what that’s like, but I wake up with mascara smeared down my cheek and the bar stamp from my hand rubbed off on my chin. Her hair does look a little like a hot mess, though, so there’s that.

Steph tells Heidi to try therapy. Heidi, who told Spencer never to call her again, meets him for some grub and tells him again never to call her again before she teeters off into the distance with her after-sex hair and way-too-tall heels.

And curtain!
Whew! What an episode! I had lost faith in MTV not-so-reality shows after The City premiered, but, DAYUM, The Hills is so good. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, MTV. Never again.

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

Eventually, Heidi agrees that this is a fantastic idea and joins Spencer in holy matrimony. But only in secret. Because if Heidi and Spencer are anything, it is concerned with their privacy. They aren’t the kind of people that would hire a photographer to snap shots of their wedding. They wouldn’t return from Cabo and immediately sell the story to US Weekly. It’s not like they are on a TV show, or anything.

This is secret and romantic and cute! No one is gonna find out. Not that this whole charade is going to last long enough to be legalized, anyway. Heidi is going to wake up from that Jose coma and realize what a giant (flesh color bearded) mistake she made.

Or they are going to make babies and get their own show, which will be nothing if not the most entertaining show on TV. God, I love MTV.

But, still – the episode actually opened up a lot more questions than it answered. Questions like:

1) What is the point of the whole Stephanie/Cameron relationship? I mean, really, why did this story line ever exist? Was it to show us that boys like Stephanie? Did MTV hope for it to cause more tension than it did? Maybe a bar brawl between Cameron, Brody and his Bromancers? Was it to bring Steph and Spencer together, or maybe tear them apart? Why?!

The love story lasted for like 5 minutes over the span of 6 episodes, so why are we supposed to care that they broke up? I just don’t understand. Enlighten me, people. (Speaking of Cameron, did anyone else notice when he tried to kiss Heidi hello and he totally got the back of her head? Awkward!)

2) Did MTV force Lauren’s parents out of their house? Lauren’s epiphanies about moving on and growing up seem a bit too…er…advanced for her to have come up with on her own, which leads me to believe that this was yet another scripted moment by the folks at MTV. Does that mean, then, that they forced her parents to move out of their mansion so they could create this moment? That’s a lot of packing for one crappy episode.

3) Did Whitney sit on a plane for 6 hours (12 round-trip!) in that dress? God, she must have been cold. And did they intentionally have her NY doppelganger come get her at the bottom of the stairs at the DVF office? That girl was totally her twin, right? Am I right? It was almost trippy, sort of a “this is gonna be you…exactly” moment.

4) How on earth did MTV get the Heidi/Spencer wedding episode edited and ready to roll for next week when it just happened 2 weeks ago?

Interesting. Interesting indeed.

So, I was gone for a few weeks and missed out on a lot of Hills recapping. I was so excited to get back into it…until I actually watched tonight’s totally sucky episode. Like most episodes of The Hills, nothing really happened. In fact, the entire show can be broken down into two sentences:

Lauren and Audrina make up.

Spencer acts like a douche in front of his Nana.

Now, let’s take a closer look.

The show begins with Lauren talking to Lo about Audrina and Audrina talking to that coworker of hers about Lauren. LC vents to Lo that Audrina attacked her and doesn’t trust her. Audrina tells her coworker all about how the entire conversation she had with Lauren the night before was a “total scream fest.” (Really, Audrina? A scream fest? Maybe that is because you were at a bar. Surrounded by people and loud music. Ever think of that? Maybe LC had to scream, so you could HEAR HER.)

Watching these conversations happen reminded me that there are 3 sides to every story. And that you shouldn’t let your insecurities get the best of you (Audrina!). Oh, and that you should always wash your hair and put on makeup when your coworker is on an MTV reality show.

Audrina and Lauren end up meeting up again to make up. (Note: Good move with the crying, Audrina. You knew that would get LC back on your side.) Not surprisingly, they do it at a bar. Is this how things work in LA? Do people ever do things in the privacy of their own homes? I usually reserve my fights with people for Instant Messenger (what? I hate confrontation), but most of the people I know would prefer to have a fight in the comforts of their home, rather than getting dolled up to duke it out at a lounge.

But I’m from the Midwest, so what do I know?

Now it’s time to move onto the Spencer/Nana sitch. Is it just me or is this a really random story line? Yes, I realize this show is “reality,” but clearly MTV put this little diddy in for a reason, and I’d like to know what that is.

To attract an older audience?

To show that the Pratt family isn’t completely evil?

Because there is really nothing exciting happening at Casa De Pratt?

Why on earth is Nana on The Hills? And even more, why the hell does Spencer gossip to his freaking Nana? When I am with my grandma we play Rummikub and talk about why I am not married yet. I don’t call her up and tell her that my brother won’t talk to me cuz I hooked up with his best friend at his wedding.

There are just some things that grandmas don’t need to know. But I guess Spencer never got that memo. Anyways, maybe next week we’ll find out about Spencer’s recent obsession with/borderline kid napping of his Nana. Until then I’ll be drinking lemonade and eating cookies. Nana’s looked so good, I couldn’t help but get some of my own.

Well, tonight’s episode of The Hills definitely made up for last week’s lackluster performance. Big things happened! Audrina moved out! Heidi got drunk! And then she got fired!

OMFG it’s like drama overload.

Ok, breathe, Lauren. Let’s start from the beginning.

So, Audrina decides she wants to move out of the house and – poof! – she finds a place. And not just any place; a beautiful, huge, brand new place. What luck?! I mean, I spent 2 months looking for an apartment in NY before I found one…that was in Queens…and I shared with a girl who got drunk and ate in the bathroom and another girl who abused Ambien. Did I mention the lack of A/C?

But Audrina finds a beautiful house and buys it with all that money she makes as an assistant. At first I was happy for her to finally be getting out of the LC and Lo Love Pad, until I realized that she bought it for Justin Bobby. I bought a Green Day CD for the boy I loved once and that was the biggest regret of my life (and he didn’t wear a cut off denim shirt/dirty beanies); I just hope Audrina didn’t make the worst financial mistake of her lifetime.

I just wish I could smack that girl around and make her see that a house with lots of candles and white flowy sh*t is not going to get that boy to commit. He likes to speak in riddles and sound intelligent when he’s really just dumb. HE IS NOT GOING TO COMMIT TO YOU.

While Audrina was out house hunting (and LC was crying to Whitney about losing another roommate), Heidi was busy getting sh*tfaced at work. Obviously the girl was gonna get hammered off of two drinks – she hasn’t eaten in 4 years. What isn’t so obvious is why she thought it was a good idea to get drunk at work after pissing her boss off the last time he was around.

“Hm,” she thinks to herself. “I’m already on his bad side, so I totally have to impress him….I’m gonna invite my douchey boyfriend to the party. That I am working at. The most important party ever for this company. But that’s not all; I will also invite Audrina and her sister with the tat sleeves and THEN I am gonna get drunk on top of that! This will surely do the trick! Promotion!”

Looks like that one backfired, Heidi. Too bad your boyfriend ruins everything; he took you away from your friends, your family and now your job. What’s next? Your Botox specialist? Your personal shopper at Neimans? When will you learn, Heidi Montag? WHEN?

For the first time all season, last night’s episode of The Hills was action packed! I was actually not that surprised, because of course everything would go down as soon as LC left town. Remember how everything changed when she went to Paris?

But still – it was intense. Things happened. And, more importantly, really deep conversations were had.

Like this doozy between Audrina and Lo as they ate lunch during their (forced) week of bonding:

“I have 2 knives,” says Audrina, confused.

“I have 2 forks,” responds Lo. “TRADE!!”

Ah, that is true friendship. They really are getting along – at least until the BIGGEST DRAMA EVER happens: Audrina starts chatting Heidi up at the bar and then meets up with Heidi (who happened to be wearing a lot of leather) and Spencer at the X-games party. And not only does she meet up with them, she starts getting all huggy and lovey with Heidi about their friendship and how they used to be BFF.

“We’re grownups now!”

“Praise Jesus I am not involved in that!”

Not that we can blame her because you and I both know we’ve been there before; the alcohol is flowing and things start to get a little hazy. Before you know it you are telling everyone how much you love them, how you “totally need to hang out!” and how you really miss them. Really.

Audrina even tells Heidi about the Stephanie and Doug situation, to which Heidi responds with my second favorite line of the night: “That was, like, her Doug.” I get what she is going for here – Stephanie is a backstabbing bitch – but Heidi couldn’t come up with anything better than using Doug’s name to describe Doug?

That’s the best you can do, MTV Heidi?

But all that is only half of the sh*t that happened last night. Obviously, we watched as the real Stephanie Pratt started coming out. And the real Stephanie Pratt is horny and wants to do Doug now.

I have no problem with Pratt going on a date with Doug; after all, LC broke things off with him, which should mean he is fair game for everyone else. And the kid has a freaking PLANE – someone needs to date him.

My problem with Stephanie is that she is deliberately plotting (with Spencer, no less!) to go behind Lauren’s back with the boy. Even though she shouldn’t technically have to, Stephanie can wait a few more days to tell LC before going on the date. Yes, it is annoying, but it is in the Girl Code, and girls are annoying. Especially LC. She even told Spencer that she and Doug will just tell people they are only friends.

Because there is NO WAY anyone would ever find out. It is not like there are cameras constantly following them around, or that any of this will ever end up on TV.

Lauren eventually comes home from Italy, A.K.A. a giant construction site, and is updated on all the happenings while she was gone. She gives Audrina an angry look when she finds out she was hangin’ with Heidi, calls Doug “my Doug” when hearing about the Stephanie sitch and then goes to dinner with Brody where he gives her a big, fat, “I told you so.”

And you could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Then the episode ended. And my guy friend who was watching with me (and, no, I did not force him to!) looked exhausted.

“Were our lives ever that dramatic?”

“Nope! And that’s why no one ever wanted to watch us.”

Can’t wait for the Stephanie/LC sh*tstorm next week!

I used to love Lo. In fact, I considered my 25th birthday to be one of my favorites because it was the day I got to interview her. Too bad I suck at picking people to love, because that girl is a serious biatch.

I get it, Lo; Audrina is sorta bland and boring and you hate her cuz her legs are ridiculous. But stop being such a bitch. She may not be the brightest crayon in the box (although she most definitely is the tannest), but she is a nice girl and wants nothing but good things for those around her. Plus, she is your best friend’s other best friend and, quite frankly, she looked a lot better than you at She-Pratt’s birthday party. What was UP with your hair? And the red lips? You looked like a crazy cat lady.

And then there is Spencer. Oh Spencer – how many times can I possibly write how much I loathe you? Your life consists of one thing: being a bitch. You don’t work, you don’t have friends – all you do is plot evil plans with Heidi (consisting of either awful music videos, photo shoots or ways to make LC’s life a living hell) and eat Mexican food.

When you showed up to Stephanie’s birthday party just to make Lauren squirm, I wanted to take you by that plastic-looking nose and kick the crap out of you. Then the next day when you showed up at Stephanie’s apartment and compared your relationship with LC to that of Iran and Israel, I wanted to shove your face into a pile of poo. For real? You think your hatred for LC – which stems from the fact that she didn’t like you treating her BFF (at the time) like crap – can be compared to the MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT?

<Breathe, Lauren>

Surprisingly, though, those weren’t what made me hate you most.

It was the baby talk at the table with Heidi that really put me over the edge and won you the honor of Biggest Douchebag of the Episode. (Congrats!) Baby talk in relationships is gross. Baby talk coming out of your mouth should be punishable by death. You are the villain, the hated one; seeing you do supposedly cutesy things makes me want to hurl.

But just because Spencer took the cake last night doesn’t mean there weren’t plenty of other offenders in the episode.

Other things that made me hate everyone on The Hills last night:

1. Whitney’s ridiculous jobs – No, I would never want to work for Kelly “I am Satan” Cutrone, but it just seems unfair that Whitney keeps movin’ up the ladder when all she does all day is hang jeans on a rack.

2. Lauren’s Hair – It is so perfect. I want it.

3. Stephanie Pratt’s hair – No more bangs, but the giant frizz is out of control. Can someone let her know that it is not 1988 and that her hair is not immune to humidity?

4. Kelly Cutrone – Is she channeling Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada? Why is she so evil? Does she bathe? Can she somehow get me fired from my job for saying mean things? I’m scared…

Bye, Bye, Bye Lou Pearlman!

Oh, to be John Mayer’s camera.

I really think teenagers are getting dumber by the minute–er, MySpace

Ali Lohan: 14 going on 40

It’s summertime: learn how to apply bronzer

I take back all earlier judgement: I kind of dig Natalie Portman and her boo

Libertarian Ocean Colonies are totally the new Facebook

Heidi and Spencer’s PDA and gender-stereotyping outfits

Don’t forget to call Grandma–it’s Sinatra Day!

Beyonce is too famous for church or modesty

Yesterday was one of the best Mondays I have had in a long time. I got some great personal news, it was Cinco De Mayo (so I celebrated that great news with some tequila shots) and Gossip Girl was so. freaking. good. And then The Hills came on, and my day took a turn for the worse.

I don’t know if it was the fact that everything was just so great all day or that maybe I am just finally catching on to what everyone else has been saying (that nothing ever really happens on this damn show), but I just didn’t have love for The Hills last night. Lauren turned into an uber snooty bitch and Lo, my favorite of all reality show stars, was the ring leader of bitchiness.

Not only did the Barbie Twins shun Audrina to her own house in the backyard, but they pretty much shunned her from their lives. They lay out by the pool without her, get a “roommate” sushi dinner without her and get a freaking puppy without her. It would be one thing if Lauren just embraced the fact that she sucks as a friend, but no; she tries to play the hero and acts all sad when Audrina isn’t around.

Newsflash, Lauren: Just because Audrina really isn’t doing anything at the recording studio, she does have to stay. It would be nice of you to possibly wait for her to get said “roommate dinner” instead of visiting for 5 seconds and getting mad when she can’t leave with you. Some people have to actually do work to hold a cool job. You just wouldn’t understand. (Note: The writer of this article doesn’t really think Audrina got her job based on skill and knows it was because she is on a TV show. The writer just needed to fake-believe that to make her point that Lauren is really starting to suck.)

In other fake job news, Heidi meets with her boss in attempts to move up the corporate ladder…and party in Vegas. Brent – a guy so ugly he is actually sorta hot – says a few words regarding a hotel in Vegas, to which Heidi responds:”Sounds brilliant.” It seems to me that someone has been reading, Business Meetings for Dummies where they teach you some big words to use to impress the bosses…when used correctly…unlike here.

Anyhoo, Heidi leaves the meeting and starts telling everyone that she is officially project manager and will be launching a hotel in Vegas. I know that MTV edits the sh*t out of this stuff, but did anyone else hear that in the meeting? All I heard was the boss basically telling Heidi that she needs to get her hands dirty and really focus on the job, instead of her douchebaggy BF.

But, of course Heidi was telling the truth! And of course Heidi – a girl with very few skills – gets to relocate to Vegas on a private jet with the company’s head honcho. And why not? She deserves it! She has been so good at holding the clipboards at those clubs and checking off people’s names as they walk in. Next stop: The Oval Office!

In all the excitement and packing and putting on makeup, Heidi never told Spencer she was leaving. And, shockingly enough neither did Stephanie. Instead, she kicked his broke ass out of her apartment. He, in turn, called her pathetic (the guy with no job living on his sister’s couch), stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed, “LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” before packing a small overnight bag and heading back to Chateau de Speidi.

Spencer arrives and finds Heidi isn’t there. Spencer gets a sad puppy dog face. He knows she is gone. Even though she could have just been at work, like any normal person. It is the middle of the day. But he just knew. And he was sad.

You know what happens when Spencer gets sad! Inappropriate surprise visits! This time he follows her on an important business trip! I can’t wait to see what happens! Will they get back together? Or will Heidi find some other moron who wants to man-handle those over-sized silicon orbs?

And what about Audrina? Is she gonna ditch the bitches and find her own place? Will she and JB end up together?

We will see in the season finale next week. I have high expectations, so I hope MTV doesn’t disappoint again.

Last night’s episode of The Hills made me realize three things:

1. I hate Lauren. Ok, hate is a strong word, but I am a little peeved. This girl has like zero talent, yet Us Weekly names her the Celeb Designer of the year and she gets to move into this fabulous new pad? With a pool and a guest house?
2. Watching the show on a regular TV versus my HD makes Heidi look much less scary. The less sharp the picture the better.
3. Stephanie Pratt’s hair gets bigger each episode

So, obviously, the main event last night was the big move for Lauren, Lo and Audrina. And obviously, Audrina gets shunned to the guest house out in the backyard. That’s not awkward or uncomfortable at all. I guess it works out well for her, though, so she can sneak shady JB in and out without Mama Conrad finding out.

To celebrate the new digs the girls throw a mansion warming party and everyone who is anyone is there. Brody comes with his boobtacular new lady (and a juicer!), Stephen comes with a bag of Jelly Bellys and JB comes with a new ‘do. And I have to admit: he looked really cute…until I noticed the 80’s style cut off denim vest he was sporting. Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps.

Stephanie Pratt was invited, but couldn’t make it after being guilt tripped by her bro (who frequents Central Perk, apparently) and Heidi. Both interactions really make me question Ms. Pratt’s mental state. I have to ask again: does she really think that everyone is going to be ok with her being friends with LC? She acts so surprised every time she is confronted and I just don’t get it. This girl really needs a mental evaluation. Or maybe I, like everyone else involved, have just been totally duped by Her Pratt-ness and this is all part of some big evil plan. I can almost hear her cackling in the back of my head.

After reuniting at the soiree, LC and Stephen hit the town for dinner. Lauren in a formal dress and Stephen in jeans and a sweatshirt. That should have been an obvious sign that these two were expecting something different from the evening. And Stephen solidifies that when he tells Lauren that the dinner is simply platonic. It seems that even after all this time nothing has changed with these two (except the curfew thing). He probably went right to Kristin’s after dropping her off.

Lauren then does what any normal, heartbroken girl would do: she returns to her million dollar mansion and eats ice cream with her best friend. Oh and makes the friend believe that she didn’t really want anything from the night anyway. I guess we’re not so different after all; poor girl may have a guest house, but we are all just looking for love.

I guess I really can’t hate her. (Note: retract lesson #1 in list above. Keep all the rest.)