We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick. Read More »

Gentlemen, take a deep breath. You might not be too happy about the latest news from the science world.

Scientists have, for the first time, successfully created human sperm from stem cells. No, the sperm don’t have the face of Woody Allen and his awkward sense of humor; they have all the characteristics of naturally produced sperm, from the head to the tail. Although “functional tests” have yet to be conducted to see if sperm generated from stem cells can fertilize an egg (shot-not on being the testee! Tee hee…), the new breakthrough has been causing quite a stir – and some anxiety for the male population.

The sperm will be used to study male infertility, but there exists an underlying worry about the viability of “petri dish” babies and the possibility that men will no longer be necessary for human reproduction. While researchers involved in the study are quickly dismissing those ideas in something of a damage control media blitz, this development certainly opens the door to consideration. Read More »

Mmmm sperm!

So apparently all those frat guys during my last four years of university had it right all along – sperm really does have many health benefits.  A Norwegian company called Bioforskning (which sounds like the owner may have had a mouthful of something when she was asked to name the company) has developed a facial treatment to minimize wrinkles and smooth skin utilizing spermine, an element in human sperm.

Human. Sperm. WTF??

First of all, let’s just sit back and appreciate the thought process that had to have gone into this product.  Who came up with it?  Who was sitting around and thinking, “Oh you know what, I bet jizz is really good for your skin, let me test this out and then sell it for hundreds of dollars”??  I tell you what, when sperm is that close to my face, my skin care routine is usually the last thing on my mind.  The first thing?  “Argh, point that thing somewhere else!”

Secondly, this “treatment” can cost up to $250 per session.  Seriously? What happened to the days when jizz on your face was an unhappy accident after a night of too many free (and probably warm) beers in the basement of a fraternity house on the side of campus you usually avoid? And instead of thinking, “Oh hey, I should probably let this sink into my skin and give it a second to see if it does anything beneficial,” weren’t we all (those of us who were “blessed” enough to be in the beta stages of this beauty regimen) thinking, “Where’s my face wash??”

Although Botox and  plastic surgery get a lot of flack, I feel a bit more warm to the idea of someone injecting pig fat or whatever it is into my face now that I know a sperm facial (didn’t that use to be a euphemism for something?) is the alternative treatment.  At any rate, I hope this development doesn’t leak to those frat guys (or really, any sexually active male), otherwise this fall’s crop of freshman girls have a whole new thing coming to them (all puns intended).

What would we do without the internet? Seriously, we use it to shop, to study, to communicate, to be entertained…and to get answers to the questions we just need answered, but aren’t quite sure how to ask. To someone’s face. Who can laugh at us. And then tell everyone about it.

Questions like this one…

This question has left me with a few questions. Maybe I should turn to Yahoo to find out the following:

Who started this rumor?
Have people tried this as a form of birth control?
And do guys really put on deodorant downstairs?

Ew. On second thought, I’m not sure I want to know the answer to that last one. Too much info. Too much, indeed.

Question for the Tuffster?! Email her at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com to be featured in her column every Tuesday! Ask anything, get a Tuffisized answer.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m just curious – what are some sex myths that aren’t true? I keep hearing stuff (like that you can you have sex under water with out a condom and you can’t get pregnant) that I don’t know if it’s true.

Thnx!

Curious

Dear Curious,

Thanks for your question–Tuffy luvs this shiz. Sex myths? Hysterical. But also dangerous. Okay, here’s a list of ones that are just that: myths. Read More »

Sexiest man aliv, Mr. Hugh Jackman hosts this year’s Oscar’s.

S&M Barbie…definitely not for kids.

Perfect gift for that friend that tweezes way too much!

DIY gifts for the wonderful men in your life!

Amazing new skincare from Asia!

Selena Gomez looks absolutely adorable in this outfit, and so can you!

Smart guys have better sperm, ladies!

Zac and Vanessa lookin to have some freaky sex!

Pam’s ass like you’ve never seen it before..and probably don’t want to.

Hottest bikini bods of ‘08…I need to go to the gym.

Michigan professor pays (law) student for sex. And he likes it naughty…

Welcome to the Baby Daddy War.

One is a super strong, sexy hockey hero; the other is just a hot, hometown Southern boy. But Levi Johnston and Casey Aldridge really aren’t that different. They both have really strong sperm, they are both being forced into marriage (allegedly), and they both decided to knock up the wrong girl.

They are also both kinda sexy in that “I would never touch that, but I can see why that girl let him impregnate her” sorta way.

Would you want your name tattooed on either of their middle fingers?

Which one’s child would you be willing to carry?

VS.

I have been addicted to Diet Coke for years. I used to start off with a jumbo fountain D.C. on my way to class at 10 AM, followed by another one at lunch and yet another (mixed with rum) for an evening snack. There was nothing on this planet that could come between me and my beloved Diet Coke. In fact, I wasn’t sure there was any way I could love it any more.

But, dear readers, there is: it seems that not only is Diet Coke the tastiest, most delectable treat on this planet….

It is also an effective spermicide! Read More »

Have you cracked out the hot dogs yet? The chips? The sparklers that you fully intend to try and burn your friends with? Well, us too. July 4th — even if you do nothing but stare at a grill for three hours or eat coleslaw with your fingers while watching fireworks on TV — is a day that just yells celebration. It’s summer. It’s a long weekend. Watermelon is in abundance…what isn’t there to love?

Well, apparently, one of your editors has found something not to love. The very thing many of us equate with the 4th…

Read More »

Everyone thinks living in a small New England town — especially a small New England town by the water — would be the best thing ever. It would be so safe and homey, everyone thinks, so quiet and rustic, no stress! Just miles and miles of cute little houses and a cute little pier to launch cute little boats from.

Let me tell you something – that thought process is sh*t.

Everyone is up in arms about these Gloucester girls who made a pregnancy pact, and no one can understand why anyone would just throw their life away by having a baby before they can even legally buy cigarettes. But I understand. I totally understand. It makes sense. You know why? Because not every small New England town is picturesque and middle class. Some of them are cramped, poor, lonley, and boring as f*ck.

How am I such an expert? I grew up in one. Not the kind that’s stitched onto potholders and immortalized in cute Cape Cod beach shops — the kind where front lawns are strewn with old car parts, you can hear your neighbor’s drunken fist fights from your living room, and schools barely manage to give out textbooks printed before 1983. A town kind of like Gloucester, Massachusetts. Read More »