We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick.

“Sorry, but my gag reflex is super sensitive today.”
There is no such thing as erotic vomiting. You may have loved that romantic dinner you two just enjoyed, but no one will be smiling when you see it for a second time. On his stomach. End of story.

“I have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose. I could die!”
Unless asphyxiation turns him on, this is an undeniable excuse. No one wants the headline of their obituary to read “Girl Loses Life Going Down on Boyfriend.” Remind him that you’ll be the shame of your family and it will be all his fault. And your dad owns a big ol’ gun. That should do it.

“Okay, but I spit.”
That one will work. Trust.

Gentlemen, take a deep breath. You might not be too happy about the latest news from the science world.

Scientists have, for the first time, successfully created human sperm from stem cells. No, the sperm don’t have the face of Woody Allen and his awkward sense of humor; they have all the characteristics of naturally produced sperm, from the head to the tail. Although “functional tests” have yet to be conducted to see if sperm generated from stem cells can fertilize an egg (shot-not on being the testee! Tee hee…), the new breakthrough has been causing quite a stir – and some anxiety for the male population.

The sperm will be used to study male infertility, but there exists an underlying worry about the viability of “petri dish” babies and the possibility that men will no longer be necessary for human reproduction. While researchers involved in the study are quickly dismissing those ideas in something of a damage control media blitz, this development certainly opens the door to consideration.

So, what would the world be like if we didn’t need men? Certainly, we women would be less annoyed on a daily basis. No more fighting over the remote, no more waiting for him to call…wait a sec! Does this mean we wouldn’t have to wear make-up anymore? Can I kiss my razor goodbye? Hey, I’m kinda liking this alternative world!

Oh, relax, guys. Fortunately for you, scientists have only been able to create artificial sperm from male stem cells. You have nothing to worry about…yet. But if they figure out a way to make functional sperm with female stem cells, then we’ll have to revisit this topic of discussion. That’s when you’ll have to be afraid. And be afraid, boys. Be very afraid. (Mostly of women sans makeup or smooth, hairless legs…)

Mmmm sperm!

So apparently all those frat guys during my last four years of university had it right all along – sperm really does have many health benefits.  A Norwegian company called Bioforskning (which sounds like the owner may have had a mouthful of something when she was asked to name the company) has developed a facial treatment to minimize wrinkles and smooth skin utilizing spermine, an element in human sperm.

Human. Sperm. WTF??

First of all, let’s just sit back and appreciate the thought process that had to have gone into this product.  Who came up with it?  Who was sitting around and thinking, “Oh you know what, I bet jizz is really good for your skin, let me test this out and then sell it for hundreds of dollars”??  I tell you what, when sperm is that close to my face, my skin care routine is usually the last thing on my mind.  The first thing?  “Argh, point that thing somewhere else!”

Secondly, this “treatment” can cost up to $250 per session.  Seriously? What happened to the days when jizz on your face was an unhappy accident after a night of too many free (and probably warm) beers in the basement of a fraternity house on the side of campus you usually avoid? And instead of thinking, “Oh hey, I should probably let this sink into my skin and give it a second to see if it does anything beneficial,” weren’t we all (those of us who were “blessed” enough to be in the beta stages of this beauty regimen) thinking, “Where’s my face wash??”

Although Botox and  plastic surgery get a lot of flack, I feel a bit more warm to the idea of someone injecting pig fat or whatever it is into my face now that I know a sperm facial (didn’t that use to be a euphemism for something?) is the alternative treatment.  At any rate, I hope this development doesn’t leak to those frat guys (or really, any sexually active male), otherwise this fall’s crop of freshman girls have a whole new thing coming to them (all puns intended).

Questions like this one…

This question has left me with a few questions. Maybe I should turn to Yahoo to find out the following:

Who started this rumor?
Have people tried this as a form of birth control?
And do guys really put on deodorant downstairs?

Ew. On second thought, I’m not sure I want to know the answer to that last one. Too much info. Too much, indeed.

Question for the Tuffster?! Email her at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com to be featured in her column every Tuesday! Ask anything, get a Tuffisized answer.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m just curious – what are some sex myths that aren’t true? I keep hearing stuff (like that you can you have sex under water with out a condom and you can’t get pregnant) that I don’t know if it’s true.

Thnx!

Curious

Dear Curious,

Thanks for your question–Tuffy luvs this shiz. Sex myths? Hysterical. But also dangerous. Okay, here’s a list of ones that are just that: myths. You can’t get pregnant from having sex under water. Uh, you can so get preggers from sex under water. You can also get STDs. Water don’t wash away sperm. Nice try though. Condoms, pleez.

You can’t get pregnant on your period. EHHH! Try again. You can totally be fertile while you’re menstruating.

Two condoms are better than one. Nope. Actually, using two condoms together make it more likely that they’ll rub against each other and break, leaving you wide open for pregnancy and STDs. Stick with the standard usage: one condom to a romp.

If you love someone, the sex will be great. Oh, life is never that simple. Sex doesn’t always mean love, and love doesn’t always mean good sex. It all needs honest communication and compatibility.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac. Just no.

If he pulls out, I can’t get pregnant. You know that little bit of fluid that comes out when he starts to get excited (but wayyyy before he comes)? That’s sperm, baby. It’s just less of it. It can still knock you up.

Mountain Dew prevents pregnancy by lowering sperm count because it contains the dye Yellow No. 5. Wow, this is an oldie. So, first of all, Yellow No. 5 doesn’t actually lower sperm count. But even if it did, lowering does not equal eliminating. Use condoms and don’t rely on random chemicals from soda to keep you babyless.

If I start taking birth control pills today, I can safely have sex tomorrow. Wrong. It takes a month for that sh*t to kick in. Listen to your doctor and don’t be stupid.

Semen has a low carb count. Nice try, guys. It’s actually mostly fructose and therefore quite high carb, fyi.

Well, there you go. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

S&M Barbie…definitely not for kids.

Perfect gift for that friend that tweezes way too much!

DIY gifts for the wonderful men in your life!

Amazing new skincare from Asia!

Selena Gomez looks absolutely adorable in this outfit, and so can you!

Smart guys have better sperm, ladies!

Zac and Vanessa lookin to have some freaky sex!

Pam’s ass like you’ve never seen it before..and probably don’t want to.

Hottest bikini bods of ’08…I need to go to the gym.

Michigan professor pays (law) student for sex. And he likes it naughty…

I have been addicted to Diet Coke for years. I used to start off with a jumbo fountain D.C. on my way to class at 10 AM, followed by another one at lunch and yet another (mixed with rum) for an evening snack. There was nothing on this planet that could come between me and my beloved Diet Coke. In fact, I wasn’t sure there was any way I could love it any more.

But, dear readers, there is: it seems that not only is Diet Coke the tastiest, most delectable treat on this planet….

It is also an effective spermicide!

Oh yeah! You heard me. That stuff you have been drinking by the gallon also happens to be strong enough to kill those little impregnators. Could there be a more perfect beverage? I think not.

Sure, this fact may worry some people (“blah blah how can I put something in my body that is strong enough to kill sperm blah blah blah?), but I couldn’t be happier! Just think of the possibilities:

No need for condoms or birth control when you have a 20 ouncer in the fridge! (Note: not quite sure how one would go about using that 20 ouncer as a contraceptive….) Or better yet, Coca Cola condoms! They taste like Diet Coke (which will make me much more happy to get near ‘em) and have the same effectiveness at preventing pregnancy as a can of D.C.!

This changes everything.

Well, apparently, one of your editors has found something not to love. The very thing many of us equate with the 4th…

Everyone thinks living in a small New England town — especially a small New England town by the water — would be the best thing ever. It would be so safe and homey, everyone thinks, so quiet and rustic, no stress! Just miles and miles of cute little houses and a cute little pier to launch cute little boats from.

Let me tell you something – that thought process is sh*t.

Everyone is up in arms about these Gloucester girls who made a pregnancy pact, and no one can understand why anyone would just throw their life away by having a baby before they can even legally buy cigarettes. But I understand. I totally understand. It makes sense. You know why? Because not every small New England town is picturesque and middle class. Some of them are cramped, poor, lonley, and boring as f*ck.

How am I such an expert? I grew up in one. Not the kind that’s stitched onto potholders and immortalized in cute Cape Cod beach shops — the kind where front lawns are strewn with old car parts, you can hear your neighbor’s drunken fist fights from your living room, and schools barely manage to give out textbooks printed before 1983. A town kind of like Gloucester, Massachusetts.

And while my friends in high school didn’t make pacts to all get pregnant at the same time (we were too lazy for that), I knew lots of girls who had babies in their arms before they had diplomas. Why? Some of them were just plain stupid and couldn’t wrap their head around the fact that sperm can get you pregnantt, but others…others simply wanted something to give their life meaning.

When you live in a podunk town where everybody’s dad is either a fisherman or a permanent lackey for some bigwig who lives in Sweden, and the nearest mall or movie theater is 30 minutes away, — there isn’t much money or action to go around. Nothing really happens. Over and over again. Sure, you grow taller, grow hungrier, and have to buy bigger bras, but the passage of time in these small towns is so nondescript that sometimes you feel like you might go crazy. The world seems so big on your television screen — and yet, none of the stuff you see on your rabbit-eared TV will ever be within your grasp.

So you have a baby. Because it’s the one thing that you can make happen. It’s the one thing you have complete power over. The one thing no one can take away from you. Mothers are revered and honored and people give up their seats for them. People notice you when you’re a mom. They don’t notice some 15-year-old walking 2 miles down the road to her jack-sh*t job, but they do notice a young mother who needs help getting her baby carriage onto the bus.

I’m sure reports will come out stating the “real” reasons why all these girls decided to have babies together, but just in case it doesn’t, just know that when your future is bleak and lonely, your past is forgettable, and your present if full of mind-numbing boredom, having a baby — someone that will actually need and care about you — isn’t really all that horrible of an idea.

I’m not condoning it. These girls are probably nowhere near mature enough to handle a child. But I understand it. I completely understand it.

Although nothing like the aforementioned methods are on the market yet, scientists are busily researching ways to make men more active in pregnancy prevention.

At the second annual “Future of Male Contraception” conference held in Seattle this week (seriously, they have those?) sponsors such as the National Institute of Health and World Health Organization eagerly watched as new guy-based contraception inventions were unveiled.

Some of the new developments revealed were:

• The Intra Vas Device, “a set of removable plugs [which] block sperm in the vas deferens, the tube that’s cut in a vasectomy”.

Oh, I’m sure the guys will be lining up for this little procedure! Plugging up tubes in the body doesn’t sound comfortable, either. It kinda sounds like your balls would be constipated, no? Lovely, I’m sure.

• SARM (Selective Androgen receptor modulator), a “Testosterone-like pill” recently used as a muscle-wasting treatment that may also lower sperm count.

Awesome! So basically this is going to turn your man into a testicle-less non-man? Please tell me no.

• CDB-4022, a non-hormonal pill that “prevents monkey sperm from swimming to it’s destination”.

How do you confuse sperm, by the way? And, um, you all noticed it said monkey sperm, right?

None of these products have had sufficient testing, but researchers are confidentially moving forward.

No word yet on how the male population feels about allowing muscle-wasting treatments and sperm drugging medicine to invade their weewees but at least we may not have to rely on mood ruining pills forever (or until we want to pop out a few).