Maybe it was the first sign that I was destined to be a sex columnist, but all I knew at that time was that I was fascinated with sex. I was young, so I had no desire to actually have sex, but the idea of it – he puts his penis where!? – was totally intriguing to me.  Years of absorbing all the information I could – thank you Loveline and Savage Love – I became the kid all the other kids came to with their sex questions. Not that I had any actual experience at that point, but having religiously listened to various old people talk about sex, I kinda knew what I was talking about.

Being from Canada, I was lucky enough to receive comprehensive sex education from my school from grade four to grade nine… even if sometimes my teachers didn’t know completely what they were talking about (seriously, grade nine gym teacher, it’s not called the prostrate gland). It makes me sad to know that abstinence-only sex ed is being taught at most schools in the US.

Reading the comments from my article last week, it became pretty clear to me that the basics of safe sex is a blurry area for some people because they just didn’t have anyone to teach them. So, here it is ladies and gents, a basic, honest guide to safe sex. Not from some old sexual health nurse or a creepy gym teacher, but from a sex columnist who still gets some on a semi-regular basis:

Oh, and because some of you missed out on this special day in sex ed, I feel you need to see this before reading on. It’s like a rite of passage — and the video I had to watch was even worse.
Anyways, some things to remember:

Condoms – like a raincoat protects from the rain… only backwards:

• Not all condoms are the same. Think about upgrading to Magnums or Magnus XLs if they’re constantly breaking, falling off, or your partner says that they’re too tight (guarantee it’ll boost his ego, too).
• There are other alternatives for people who are sensitive to latex. Durex makes a great brand called Advanti that’s made of polyurethane and is just as safe as regular latex condoms. Hell, some people even claim they’re better than latex when it comes to letting you feel everything (I’d have to agree).
• Condoms are also very important for anal sex. You might not get pregnant, but you can sure as hell get HIV.
• Never ever ever wear two condoms at once. The friction between layers can lead to breakage. And you don’t want that.
• Sometimes they’ll fall off (if that’s the case, try upgrading to a bigger size), but remember to just stay calm.
• The condom doesn’t have to go on right before he penetrates you. Some men lose their erections when the condom arrives, so fool around for a few minutes after it’s on. It’ll take the pressure off of him, and integrating it into your foreplay will make it seem like a lot less of a chore.
• This is one of my favorite tricks, and it’s always been very well received. And look, someone wrote a tutorial on it!
• Condoms are 85-98% effective against pregnancy, and there is some debate over how effective they are at preventing STIs. But, since nothing else will protect against them, better wrap those willies.

The pill and other hormonal methods – take the pill/needle/patch and trust it’ll work:

• Unlike condoms, you have to visit a doctor to be prescribed birth control.
• Listen to your doctor. Start when he or she tells you to, and if you’re on the pill, take it around the same time every day. Hormone levels fluctuate throughout the day, so taking it at the same time insures one of those eggs won’t slip out of your ovaries.
• If taken properly, hormonal methods can be up to 99.7% effective. So make sure you follow the instructions!

Spermicides – like nazis, but for sperm… and it goes in your vag:

• Come in sponges, foams or gels and can be bought from the drug store.
• Shouldn’t be used as the sole method of birth control, and doesn’t protect against STIs.
• Read the instructions. Some spermicides can interact badly with condoms, leading to breakage. And again, we don’t want that.

Pulling out – messy fun times:

• New studies have found that pulling out is almost as effective as condoms when it comes to preventing pregnancy. Partake at your own risk.
• Will not protect against STIs, so this is only really an option for monogamous, tested couples.
• Can actually be kinda fun, in that it’s messy and just a little bit kinky.

Condoms, with a back-up plan – the “a lot-people-actually-do-this” taboo:

• Going condomless is tempting, but should only be considered with a long-term partner.
• Before ditching the “domers”, both partners should get tested and have a full-disclosure policy about their sexual pasts.
• Ladies: if you miss a pill, or somehow make a mistake with your contraception, tell your partner. He has a right to know if there’s a heightened risk of pregnancy in your future.

Sex doesn’t have to lead to diseases and pregnancy. The most important part of safe sex is to assess the risks and benefits and decide what’s right for your situation. Make smart, responsible, and informed choices — and have fun!

[For anyone who’s super curious, this site lists the failure rate for all common contraceptives. It’s good info to know.]

I have been addicted to Diet Coke for years. I used to start off with a jumbo fountain D.C. on my way to class at 10 AM, followed by another one at lunch and yet another (mixed with rum) for an evening snack. There was nothing on this planet that could come between me and my beloved Diet Coke. In fact, I wasn’t sure there was any way I could love it any more.

But, dear readers, there is: it seems that not only is Diet Coke the tastiest, most delectable treat on this planet….

It is also an effective spermicide!

Oh yeah! You heard me. That stuff you have been drinking by the gallon also happens to be strong enough to kill those little impregnators. Could there be a more perfect beverage? I think not.

Sure, this fact may worry some people (“blah blah how can I put something in my body that is strong enough to kill sperm blah blah blah?), but I couldn’t be happier! Just think of the possibilities:

No need for condoms or birth control when you have a 20 ouncer in the fridge! (Note: not quite sure how one would go about using that 20 ouncer as a contraceptive….) Or better yet, Coca Cola condoms! They taste like Diet Coke (which will make me much more happy to get near ‘em) and have the same effectiveness at preventing pregnancy as a can of D.C.!

This changes everything.

[Read part one HERE]

Finally, I left the store with no pregnancy test and no lack of huffing and stomping. As I drove to the next grocery store, I started to think about what I would do when the test told me I was pregnant.

I had all but assumed that I was, at that point. I had talked about it with my boyfriend, who was enormously supportive, as we tried to figure out how I could be pregnant. We were almost always safe when we had full on sex, but not quite as safe during foreplay. And there was that time we played the pull out game.

I honestly had never really thought about this situation before, because in the almost three years that we had been having sex and playing that game occasionally, nothing like this had ever happened, not even close.

I stood in line at the next grocery store, sandwiched between two harried looking mothers and their brood, and cursed myself for being so stupid. I should have gotten on the pill even though it was expensive and made me fat, I should have used spermicide even though it grosses me out, I should have made my boyfriend wear a condom at all times, even when I was just thinking about sex.

Eventually, I bought the damn pregnancy test. I read the instructions and, in my haste to be done with the damn thing, made the mistake of not peeing on it long enough. I sat on the toilet, staring in fury at the now useless pregnancy test that had taken so much guts and time and money to acquire and threw it across the room. I was mad at the thing, yes, but mostly, I was so mad at myself, that I wanted to cry.

I’ve always been the responsible friend, the knowledgeable friend, the friend that went with my other friends to hold their hands when they got tested or the morning after pill, or even an abortion. Mostly, I was the friend that had preached about safe sex until I was blue in the face and once I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and we both got tested, being so strict about it had become less of a priority.

I was too lazy, too wrapped up in everything else going on in my life and too damn sure that nothing so horrible could ever happen to me. To others, yes, but never to me.

I made an appointment with a doctor for a real pregnancy test and another to get a pap and a prescription for the pill if I wasn’t pregnant. And almost immediately afterwards, as if I was in some sort of movie, I felt a twinge of dull pain start in my lower abdomen.

With a hope like almost nothing I’ve felt before, I rushed to the bathroom and checked. I had started my period. I had never been so happy to see the godd*mn thing in my entire life.

I was relieved when it finally came, but I was still disappointed in myself. I had gotten comfortable in my relationship, too comfortable, and barely escaped having to take real responsibility for my utter and complete stupidity. I can see the lesson, alright, I just really, really, hope that I’ve learned it.