We’re at our wit’s end with this country and their improper use of the word spinster. Once, a very long time ago (or maybe not a very long time ago, I’m no history buff), the word spinster actually meant something. And that something was NOT an unmarried woman living with cats. It was a woman who spun — and as a country we owe these original spinsters a big apology for stealing their professional title and turning it into something dirty.

So in honor of them, we present the original spinsters!

initiating the gallery...

Another day, another dollar.

But I say; another day, another US Weekly Cover of Jennifer Aniston walking around in khakis, a white tee and aviators.  I’m serious, this woman is still plastered everywhere on the glossy pages of gossip magazines.  Didn’t she and Brad Pitt cut the ties half a decade ago?  Exactly what is the appeal keeping her around?  Because if you tell me it’s because of the infamous ‘Aniston Cut,’ I was over that when the Friends finale aired, in 2004.

She’s a single woman sans children.  And the press are still featuring her cover after cover for this “news coverage.”  However, Aniston seems to be supporting the single and childless wrath by staring in new movie called ‘The Switch’ where a single 40-year-old woman [Aniston] seeks a sperm donor to get pregnant.  This movie is only supporting and encouraging her life as a single woman without children. Is this real life?

Dear Jen: Don’t do this to yourself.

However, this only means bigger and better possible headlines for Aniston in the future.  If she’s encouraging ‘Aniston Stars in Movie About Single Woman Scrounging for Sperm Donor’ why can’t we have a little fun?  The current headlines, which barely span past ‘Pitt Wants Aniston Back‘ or ‘Aniston & Jolie: It’s War‘ are getting a little stuffy don’t you think?   Let’s take a guess at the top headlines for Aniston’s wholesome future in tabloids.

‘Jen Storms Into Jolie-Pitt Palace & Kidnaps Pax, Jolie Doesn’t Notice for Weeks’

Since Aniston’s plan to steal Brad Pitt from Jolie is clearly not working; she needs to take matters to another level. By holding Pax hostage.

‘Jennifer Aniston Adopts An Entire Country, Heart Still Yearns for Brad Pitt’

Since Aniston hits headlines craving a child by Brad Pitt more than I crave a Smart Water Gatorade after a struggle fest on the elliptical, this is bound to be the next step in her search for motherhood.

‘Aniston Hasn’t Worn Khakis In Weeks, In Ploy to Look More Like Jolie’

In an apparently constant struggle to look more like the slutty tantalizing Jolie, Aniston tosses her khaki pants and leather belt for an all black wardrobe. Say it isn’t so! Did I feel the planet just tilt a little?

‘Aniston Won’t Stop Sexting Jon Voight’

Well, if stealing from the Pitt-Jolie litter ain’t workin, and homegirl misses her khakis, girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

‘John Mayer Claims Jennifer Aniston Used Him to Call Brad During Sex’

This is low, real low.  Aniston probably pulled Mayers elastic thong swimsuit back and snapped it in the phone speakers so Pitt could hear. “Here that Brad?! That’s the sound of lust and passion!”

"I think you should leave."

Well, turns out I’m destined to be a spinster for the rest of my life. Might as well start stocking up on cat litter and toe socks now. This past weekend I was kicked off my own date. Sure I’ve had some awkward dates but this is a new low…even for me.

Everything was too good to be true. I met him a birthday party, we exchanged numbers, he actually texted me the next day to plan a date. It was going so well, so fast, that I got ahead of myself. I was halfway to the tattoo parlor, already to get his name permanently put over my heart, when I pulled myself together and decided to wait to see how the date actually went.

And thank god I waited. We met up this weekend at a fancy-schmancy bar which reeked of people with too much money and no idea what to do with it. I don’t see any other reason to spend $25 on a cocktail. Don’t these people know that you can feed a recent college grad for 3 weeks on that money? My date, let’s call him Morgan Goldman Stanley-Sachs, began the evening by mocking my career choice (blogging), my scarf (I was cold), and myself (he referred to me as being absolutely crazy).

By the time we finished our first round of drinks we were full-on fighting. Not the sexy-flirtatious kinda fighting. More like the 7th-grade-girl name-calling, mud-slinging, IM you from a fake screen name kinda fighting.

Then the plot twist: he asks to come home with me. I jokingly, but firmly say no. He asks again. I less jokingly and much more firmly say no.

Then…

M.G.S.S: This clearly isn’t going to work. Let’s get your coat.
Me: Okay.
M.G.S.S.(to the coat room lady): Just her coat, I’m staying.

So, in conclusion, he continued the date without me. I went home alone, ate a gallon of ice cream in a dark room, and imagined being single for the rest of my life. Just when I was fantasizing what I would name all my cats (Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh), I got this text.

M.G.S.S: This night was a disappointment. BTW.

Yeah BTW, I figured that one out all by myself. But thanks for the text recap.

I’m not sure when we became best friends, but it appears you know quite a bit about me. I don’t remember telling you, come to think of it, but it looks like you got the word that I am newly single. I have deduced that you know this because you are running special ads for me, like: “single again?” and “Going through a break-up?”

How kind of you! I was hoping that you, anonymous Facebook ads, would help me fix my love life!

It’s nice that you take note that my tied down friends need no such help from you, but that because my status is “single” I am a candidate for your therapy! Do I need a second chance with my ex? I sure do, Facebook advertisement! At 20 years old I am a miserable spinster! I desperately need your advice on how to win my man back – the man that I got rid of on my own accord – so, please, tell me how! Never mind the fact that you just assumed I was the dumped; I will take your advice anyway. Really? I can just enter my e-mail and you will send me tips? I can watch helpful videos? What ever would I do without you!?

No, I definitely don’t find it creepy that you found this information by reading personal facts about me. You’re only trying to do what’s best for me and, honestly, I should send you a thank-you note! “Unlucky in love?” Gripping headline! Yes, I am so unlucky. All of us single gals are unlucky and cannot possibly be happy. Thank you for helping me recognize that, my darling Facebook ad companion. Thank goodness we have become bffl’s! Who needs real (or kinda real, but really just on FB so I can see their pictures) friends when I have you!?

And while we are on the subject of our blossoming friendship I just want to throw out an additional thank you for taking the time to read all of my interests! I think it’s great that you have read through all my activities, and favorite movies, books and music. It’s super sweet of you to tell me all the things I can buy based on what I love. Yes, I definitely would like to buy some novel writing software just because I like to write. Funny, I did not realize on my own that Ben Folds had a new CD a month ago! And you’re right; I do need a “Sex Panther” tee just because I like the movie Anchorman. You rock!

How can I begin to thank you for stalking my page and telling me what to do with my life? I will definitely buy all your product suggestions, and relationship advice. Quite frankly, you have made me whole again; my heart has been mended with your advertising glue.

Sincrely,

You know who (really, you totally do since you know everything)

I know what I’m asking for this Christmas! Lord knows I need some practice before my real cat lady days set in. Sigh.

And it scares the crap out of us.

But now we realize that crazy cat ladies have nothing on a new breed of wackadoodle: fake baby lovers.

These crazies have been all over the news lately after a recent BBC documentary aired. Basically, these women buy real-looking baby dolls and treat them like they are real. They put them in car seats, buy them cribs and take them places like a real FREAKING CHILD.

Only they are not real. They are dolls.

And these women are nuts. Just watch that video. You will never look at Cabbage Patch Kids the same way again.

The good news to come from all this is that maybe we can all buy cats now without fear of that slippery slope into spinsterhood. The bad news is that I have to rid my apartment of any and all stuffed animals out of terror that I may become a crazy fake baby lady if I don’t get a boyfriend soon.