Question? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was dating this guy for a 3 years who was really awful to me, and I don’t know why I stayed, but I did. He always called me horrible names like ‘b*tch’ and ‘whore’ for no reason -  we fought all the time, and he accused me of being a horrible person. He wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends, and I was basically supporting him financially.

Last month he started getting a little physical. He pushed me during two different arguments. The final straw was when he put his hand on my throat during a fight. I got really scared and ended things.

For a month he called, texted and emailed nonstop. Until last week. He stopped all of a sudden, and I thought he had finally got the clue.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week when he suddenly showed up at my 21st birthday party. He knew about it, because I had invited him prior to our falling out. Even though I told him not to come when I broke up with him, he showed up and it was really weird. He bought me a present–this is the first time he has bought me anything– and hung around staring at me. I was uncomfortable and ended up going home early.

Now he thinks I’m dating someone new (I’m not), and he told me in the past that he would really hurt me if I ever was with someone else. I’m scared, but I don’t want to make a huge deal about it in case I’m wrong. Also, it’s embarrassing. What should I do?

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

CALL THE POLICE.

I am so not kidding. You SHOULD be freaked out. I’m freaked out, too. We’re all freaked out. This guy is potentially dangerous. Don’t take any chances, you hear me? There are too many tragic stories where a woman is too ashamed to report a man who ends up taking her life. You need to go to the police station and file a report. Get a restraining order if they’ll give you one. Change your locks. Change your phone. Ask the police for advice.

But please don’t wait. This guy sounds erratic, and he’s already been physical. Tell your friends what’s going on, so they can be on the lookout too. ALWAYS have someone walk you home or to your car or wherever you’re going–you don’t want to take any chances until things have been resolved.

You need to trust your gut here. He’s making you feel unsafe. That’s because this is an unsafe situation. You need to take all the help you can get. File the report and keep the police updated with everything he does that intrudes on your personal space. Do not give this guy an inch.

You only get one life. Take care of it. You were brave to end it with him. Don’t let him intimidate you–keep being the brave, strong woman you always were.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

As girls, there’s one itty bitty thing that got screwed up in our chromosomes.  Any time we see a slightly attractive male we automatically throw ourselves in their direction like a piece of freakin’ meat.  We instantly get big, googly eyes, say things that we should be keeping to ourselves, and completely freak the eff out our potential soul mate.

It’s hard to remember that guys, unlike us, aren’t very complicated specimens. They typically have one thing running through their minds when they meet us (hint: it starts with an “s” and ends in “ex”), while we already have the wedding and future children’s names picked out by the time introductions are over.

We’re hopeless.  Hopeless romantics, that is.  We want a love like “The Notebook,” but it usually ends up looking more like “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”…without the happily ever after.

Let’s not let Matthew McConaughey’s beautifully sculpted abs get away from us this time.  No, don’t tie your man down and lock him in your closet (unless he’s into that sort of thing).  All you have to do is avoid scaring him away. Easy, right?

Here are four things you should avoid if you want your happily ever after.

The Inevitable “Too Much, Too Soon” Question of Doom. “Where do you see us going?” I just messed up on this one too so don’t feel like you’re the only one. Everything may be “X’s and O’s” before you pop the question but it’s all down-hill from there.  For some reason, guys don’t like the “C” word.  No, not that.  They love that. We’re talking about commitment here, people.  Even thinking about the word will send him sprinting for the door.  Live in the moment and enjoy being together.  You’ll eventually get to change your relationship status on Facebook, but until then, keep your mouth shut.

You’re Clingier Than Saran Wrap. You need to stop the urge to be with your boy 24/7.  If you’re constantly texting him “I miss you” anytime you’re away from him or stalking him from outside his bushes at night, you’ve gone too far.  You have to actually give him a chance to miss you.  If you don’t, he’s going to feel like he’s trapped. They will come back if you keep your distance— I promise.

Me, Me, Me. Yes, you’re pretty great, and obviously he already knows that if he’s on a date with you. That means you don’t need to tell him about all those cross country trophies you’ve got, a detailed run down of the drama in your family, or one-up everything he says with something fantastic about you. Try asking him a few questions.  Guys love talking about themselves and knowing that a girl is interested in knowing about them. There will be a time to tell him everything about you but that time doesn’t need to be now. At the bar. When you’ve just met him ten minutes ago.

Facebook Stalker. The biggest mistake of all time can be avoided by simply limiting the amount of time you spend creeping on Facebook.  Do not make a picture of you two lovebirds your profile picture before he does.  Do not wall rape him (a.k.a. fill up his whole entire wall with embarrassing posts), and don’t change your status to anything with his name in it before you’re sure things are official.  Especially do not, I repeat DO NOT, add any of his ex-girlfriends. That’s just creepy with a capital “CREEP.”

These points are the big no-no’s that can make or break a relationship.  You’re probably reading them thinking “I would never do anything like that!”…but just wait, you will.  All I ask of you is to make sure you have your man wrapped around your finger before you set your inner-freak free.  Then, and only then, will he love you for it.

Aunt Tuffy is back from vacation! For answerinos to your questioninos (or, at least the ones to which La Tuff chooses to respond), email TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Before I got into grad school I met this girl during my senior year of college. She was a freshmen and had a boyfriend. I had got out of bad thing about 8 month earlier, so I was in no rush. Well the more I avoided this girl the more I ran into her; it was almost like fate. Eventually we become good friends. Almost near the end of the semester we got we close. One night she stayed at my house and I gave up my bed and I slept on the couch. She told me I could stay with her but I said, “you got a BF.” She said she broke up with him months ago. So I reluctantly laid in the bed with her cuz I didn’t want to start anything. Well, I woke in the middle of the night and she was staring into my eyes. Something in me told me to push forward and it was okay. I kissed her and she kissed me right back. Eventually we started going out.

I messed up soon enough. I lied about being some place I wasn’t. She got pissed and didn’t talk to me for a week. When she finally called me I told her I loved her and I understood if she was done with me. But she said she loved me too and it was her first time really ever being in love and her first time saying it and meaning it.

But then another terror strikes. I got robbed by someone who I thought knew me. I was afraid to tell anyone. It caught up with me one night when I was walking back at 2 am to her room from the lab. I saw the guy again and freaked out and jetted to her room and told her. We called the cops and for two weeks they harassed me about it. Finally they said they had enough evidence to say I was lying. They arrested me and she bailed me out of jail. I got heat about from my parents and the eventually she broke up with me and said we needed time apart to do our thing, but she said I will always be in her heart.

We broke up in March, but we had been together almost 2 years and really didn’t stop seeing each other until April and it’s  been about two weeks. She has called me once and asked how I was doing and even texted me later that night saying she couldn’t sleep and even wanted me to come over, but I said no cuz it would be counter-productive to the whole process.

What I want to know is am I doing the right thing. I never cried over any woman before and I know there is a huge age difference (she is 19, I just turned 24), but I have a gut feeling that she is supposed to be with me eventually and I having trouble dealing with this. I feel the urge to call her every 5 mins. I have even went on a couple dates but all these other woman don’t mean anything to me. I know my ex is going out with other guys and enjoying the attention and she says she still loves me and care about me. We have similar goals and aspirations and I cant help but want to fight for this love that I have. I finally have let it go and have let the love be what it is, but i just want to know what chances I have if i just let her go and enjoy life and give her space to come around. She thinks I’m doing fine but I’m really not and I feel like I’m losing it.

I thought I knew everything about woman, but for once I’m stumped and I hope I’m doing the right thing. I was with her for almost 2 years and these were the best I have ever had.

– First time in Love and Will Fight for it

Dear First Time,

What. The. Floop.

Okay, first of all, you don’t know “everything about woman.” You know nothing about women. You know nothing about women at all.

She’s done with you, kiddo. She thinks you’re a liar and a troublemaker.

And frankly, I do too. You called the police on a guy because he robbed you before and then the police arrested YOU?! Even if you WERE lying, that makes no flipping sense. Something is amiss here, friendo. You is not telling ze truth.

Look, she’s only 19. She’s not looking to get too serious, especially if you’re going to be causing problems, which you have demonstrated that you are. She’s either trying to let you down easy, or she think you’re a crazy stalker who will kill her if she outright turns you down.

Solution: stop bugging her. Move on with your life. Check back in with her if you still feel the urge in NO SOONER than a month. Stop being so insane and get your act together, and maybe she’ll be willing to give you another chance. And this time, don’t just SAY you’re a good guy–ACT like one. Seriously. And don’t screw up.

Frankly, you kind of frighten me. Your whole email seems like a serious of little lies and cover-ups. Did you expect me to say something else?! Why the hell would you expect puppies and kittens from someone named Tuffy Luv?!

Chill out and try telling the truth once in a while. I guarantee your life will improve.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

There are actually only 7 types of college hook ups.

And it doesn’t matter where you go to school or who you fraternize with, every girl on every campus will at one point (or many points, you saucy minx!) find herself in bed with one of theses:

1. The Bro:
This fellow is all brawn and no brains and secretly has watched more episodes of ‘The Hills’ than you have.  Not that I’m going to say that this is a problem, but the things he whispers in your ear the whole night make you wonder how many times he has Googled the transcripts from all of the porn movies he owns.  He gives you an awkward-fest drive home in his Tahoe while he listens to Trick Daddy and checks out his reflection in the rear view mirror to make sure his collar is still perfectly popped. You wonder where he keeps his lacrosse stick, because you want to hit yourself upside the head with it.

2. The Friend:
He is your buddy, the one you can be a pile of crap around and he will still love you. The decision to get nakey seems like a good idea when you’re hanging out between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M.  He just look so cute after all of those Jager bombs, he really does care about you, and where did those biceps come from??  Come 8 am, when you’re staring at the ceiling in a long awkward silence, you learn quickly that things don’t turn out like they did in ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ Oh Hollywood.

3. The Stalker:
This gentleman wants immediate contact with your fine ass post hook-up. First, he pokes you on Facebook.  Then he uses up 1400 of your 1500 monthly texts with late night “whatcha up to”s. Wherever you go, he manages to show up: in the library, the cafeteria, the quad, the local bars. You may have thought this would be a one-night party (or worse, a sloppy sesh you’d rather forget), but this one is in it for the long haul, regardless of your feelings otherwise.

4. The One Without Facebook:
What is he hiding?!

5. The Classmate:
He is relatively cute, especially when he tries to chat you up in Espanol and fumbles over his verbs. Awww. Come Thursday evening, he’s hitting on you in Spanglish at the bar and you’re convinced he’s the hottest Spanish speaking stud muffin you’ve encountered since Mario Lopez. But that all fades away as soon as the tequila wears off and you’re staring at his back every Tues/Thursday for the next 10 weeks trying to focus on conjugation and not what he looks like under those jeans.

6. The Regret:
He pushes you off the bed mid-sleep, he calls you by the wrong name, he has the dankest breath known to man-kind, he tinkles the bed. And in some cases, he is cheating. You wish you could black it out and wouldn’t even tell your roommates about him had they not been waiting for you in the living room when you stumbled home in the morning.

7. The One That Inpires You to Write a Haiku:
The Sunday morning jaunt we love to call “the walk of shame” morphs into  “the walk of victory” after a night with this love boat. He makes you stare blissfully at the blowing vegetation next to your dorm and wonder how life possibly went on without him, to read poetry and Google ‘love quotes.’ The entirety of Sunday is dedicated to a movie reel in your head of the sweet things he said to you about your almond shaped eyes, the way he played with your hair, how cute he looked when was sleeping in the morning.  He’s reaffirmed your faith in men and inspired you to buy a one-way ticket to Relationship-ville.

[Note: #7s are more rare than an English speaking Physics prof, but they do exist.]

With the start of a new quarter comes the excitement of new classes and a new schedule. And new TAs. While my friends are frantically researching classes that both fill their requirements and leave Friday open, I’m zoning out at my desk dreaming (and praying) about a tall, handsome, smart, romantic, witty discussion leader.

One that I’ve never, ever had the pleasure of having.
I have, however, encountered a creepy TA that just would not go away, which seems to be more the norm than the exception. Here is my story:

I was a cute and innocent little freshman when this all went down. The grad student, let’s call him Jeff, was TA-ing for one of my history classes winter quarter. I’m a history major and have a natural love of history and hearing my own voice, so I was basically the ONLY person that ever said anything in section. But I always felt creeped out when Jeff looked at me. Especially those few times I wasn’t saying anything at all. I could see in his face that he wasn’t looking at me as the brilliant history mind that I (thought I) was; it was obvious he was thinking things a little – ew – naughtier. Being young and naive, I brushed it off and pulled an A in the class. Probably much easier than I should have.

The very next quarter – lucky me! – he was my section leader again. Awesome. The quarter went by pretty much the same as the one before it. And again, I pulled a very easy A.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! EWWWWWWW!!”

That’s me screaming in shock and horror as I opened a Facebook email from Jeff the next fall. Yes, 3 months later. He had friend requested me and I couldn’t really say no – I mean, what if I needed a letter of recommendation in the future!? The email was short. A little hello, a little “how’s school?” and a lot of “let’s get a cup of coffee and catch up soon.” I played it off well; “I’m too busy, blah blah blah, random niceties…” I clicked send and hoped that was the end of it; I was very clearly giving this guy the brush off.

But then I would see him at the rec center (la la la, Britney on the iPod, la la la, OH SH*T, hide hide hide!!), biking on campus (riding, riding, ahhh!, swerve, look busy, don’t attract attention to yourself!), while walking into class (dive belly-down into row of seats), and pretty much everywhere in between. I did a pretty good job of dodging him – he never approached or reached out again.

Or so I thought.

Earlier this quarter Jeff emailed me again. Rather than respond nicely, I finally just blocked that creeper. Of course, the next day, as I’m trying to get in and out of the history office super fast to avoid any potential run-in, I leap into the elevator and who follows me in? JEFF!

I was stuck. I smiled at him because I thought he knew exactly who I was and it was inevitable that I was going to have to make small talk with him. But no. He said hello to me, entered the elevator, and began chatting with another woman (presumably another TA). Did he know exactly who I was? Did my new haircut and 7lb weight gain throw him off? Whatever it was, I held my breath that whole elevator ride and then RAN out of it when it got to my floor.

That was the last time I saw Jeff. For now, at least. Who knows when that creeper will show up outside my window with a boom box over his head? Luckily the whole thing is over, but the entire situation just sort of creeped me out. There’s not much for me to do in a situation like this. I guess I could complain to the department head, but Jeff didn’t technically do anything wrong. The guy was just creepy. At the same time, though, the whole TA/student relationship is a weird one. We’re not that far apart in age, meaning that it would be totally acceptable for someone like Jeff to pursue someone like me in any other situation. And equally acceptable for me to give him a very stern “Leave me alone, dude!” when I wasn’t interested. But the fact that Jeff controlled my GPA (and my future) left me without much control and got this whole thing started in the first place.

So much for my hot TA fantasy.
Maybe next semester?

So, has anyone else been put in this oh-so-awkward position?
Any happy endings to TA stories?

Every week, I write College Candy’s “Weekly Ten” about whatever the hard-hitting, relevant issues of the week are.

Obviously.

This week, I’ve decided to focus my Weekly Ten on my Top 10 Facebook Pet Peeves. Because it doesn’t get more relevant or hard-hitting than that.

10. Status updates all the time.
Seriously? Facebook (even though they’re trying really hard to be) is NOT Twitter. Get that shiz outta my news feed. You’re clogging it up.

9. Constant profile picture changes.
Okay, so I might be a little guilty of this one. However, when you’re changing your profile picture more than your underwear (people like that exist, I know it…), it’s time to reevaluate your life.

Special Mention: Annoying peace-sign-and-pouty-lips profile picture. Doubly worse if the picture is taken with MacBook’s photo booth. Triply worse if you’re wearing giant sunglasses. If there’s a small dog or a Coach bag in the picture? Do everyone a favor and just delete your whole profile.

8. Changing relationship status.
Going from Single to In a Relationship to In an Open Relationship to It’s Complicated all in the same week? That information does not need to be broadcast to all of Facebook. I don’t care if you have more relationship ish going on than Jennifer Aniston; Facebook isn’t Star Magazine and I didn’t subscribe to your drama with Mr. Frat Star.

7. Application Updates
UM WHAT IS WITH THIS MAFIA GAME ON FACEBOOK?! It’s all up in my feeds and I want nothing to do with it. Tony Soprano is NOT impressed either. I’m sure of it.

6. FIVE THINGS ABOUT ME
Really? The Five Types of Animals you would be? Five kinds of deodorant you’ve used in your lifetime? Five Candle Scents that you love?! Here are five reasons I find this beyond irritating:

1. If you’re a good friend of mine, chances are I already KNOW your 5 favorite movies. Even if you’re NOT a good friend of mine, I’m pretty sure Facebook has a “favorite movies” section on your profile.
2. Five girls you find the hottest would never even look twice at you.
3. If I wanted to know five things you don’t leave the house without, I’d open your purse and go through it.
4. Five Favorite Old School Nickelodeon Shows? Okay, I’ll give you that one. Especially if you put “Figure It Out.”
5. Five people you’d want on your side at a bar fight. Sorry, honey, Buffy is too cool to hit up $2 Draft night with you. Plus, she’s not real. Sadly.

5. Quizzes
65% Bitch? Awesome. I 100% DO NOT CARE.

4. Texts From Last night
Are you really so unoriginal that you have to constantly post things that other people have text messaged and in turn are published on a website that EVERYONE HAS ALREADY READ?! Bonus if all your wallposts to others are simply TFLN quotes. Yes, the website is funny, but if I wanted to read the texts, I could very easily go. to. the. website.

(610): Last night I was so drunk that I realized I can’t come up with any of my own entertaining material so I decided to yoink someone else’s drunk text from a website! Alcohol and unoriginality for the win, yo.

3. Invitations to groups that you want no part of
Dude, I haven’t talked to you since Middle School. I am not going to join “10,000 Strong For Rush Limbaugh.”

2. Becoming fans of…
Maybe a couple things are okay. But when you become a fan of Zac Efron, Facebook, Gummi Worms, TFLN, iPhone Apps, Dexter’s Laboratory (okay, awesome show and admittedly I am a fan of it. Besides the point.), strawberry milkshakes, Tequila, Yankees, and Megan Fox all in the same day? Check yourself.

1. Pretending you “never go on Facebook” when you’re on ALL THE TIME.
We know you love your News Feed. And you got an iPhone just so you’d never have to go 5 minutes without it. Come out of the closet.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Sleeping with your cell phone near your head as you wait for that boy to call.
Googling him to find out his interests…and then getting interested in professional hot dog eating yourself.
Eating only half of your burger when you could have eaten the whole thing and the fries so he didn’t think you were a heffer.

We get it. No biggie. Especially when you compare yourself to the real crazies out there:

The Sperm Jacker
Askmen.com recently warned their readers to beware of this crazy woman. The sperm-jacker is a woman who has neglected having children to focus on her career. When she starts to hear her biological clock ticking, she decides it is time to get pregnant. She goes out to a bar to find a man who will (seemingly) be able to provide for offspring, beds him, and then “accidently on purpose” gets pregnant.

The Marriage Trapper
We all know who this girl is – she wants her boyfriend to commit and his bachelor-ass doesn’t want to. Solution: get pregnant. This girl will get off the pill behind her boyfriend’s back or poke holes in his condoms when he’s not looking in order to get pregnant and force him to marry her. Some women go to even more desperate measures (yes, it does get more desperate than that!), and have sex with someone else to get pregnant and claim it’s their boyfriends. Too bad that plan didn’t work out so well for this woman, whose boyfriend had had a vasectomy that she didn’t know about.

The Circumsizer
In ancient times, police would punish thieves by cutting off their hands. Now, women punish cheaters by cutting off their penises. The punishment fits the crime, right? This woman and this woman think so.

The (Statutory) Rapist
There is no man quite as sexy as a 13-year-old pre-pubescent boy, right? Can I get a “Ew gross!”? Maybe these women aren’t satisfied in their adult relationships, or maybe they have a thing for acne, but there are a lot of women out there falling head over heels for those middle school boys. This fox news article summarizes a few of the cases.

The Stalker
This women is obsessive and jealous. When she is with someone, she knows where they are at all times. She reads his email and checks his Facebook/MySpace/Twitter. She browses his text messages and call log daily. After the break up, she continues to stalk. She keeps reading the email. She will show up in places she knows he will be, just to see who he is with. If he blocks her on Facebook, she will used a friend’s account to keep tabs. An askmen.com user reports his experience with this crazy woman here.

What do you think? Do these crazies make you feel better or worse?
Even more, do you see yourself turning into one of these!?

Miranda Tozier-Robbins can’t seem to leave Britney alone.

Don’t let the recession put a wrinkle in your beauty budget.

Dina Lohan takes credit for Lindsay’s video.

Oprah Tweets!

Have an endless summer in your own backyard.

Warner Bros. is going to be sued by Batman.

Calling all men! Hurry, we need your sperm!

McCain hip and cool on The Tonight Show.

Paula Abdul now has no more fans.

Fashion trends are always improving. Winter ’08 is no different.

Does Lindsay Lohan really like Obama? Or is that just a front?

Clutches are to die for. The new Bond Girl has risked her life for sexiness.

Warner Bros. is going to be sued by Batman.

Cosmo has the scoop on noteworthy sex trends.

Gmail is rocking my world, again.

Obama in the name of love.

Facebook is an addiction for some, well, most people I know (including myself). I am on there at least three times a day and I am an avid FB stalker. Yes, I admit it, a stalker. I stalk my friends, my boyfriend, people I haven’t seen in 10 years, I sometimes even stalk strangers.

Everyone has FB stalked at one point in their life, so why haven’t you learned? If you look at peoples’ pages you never met, do you actually think strangers are not looking at yours? It is all about the privacy ladies and gentlemen. Enable those privacy settings!

All of this Facebook talk stems from stories that have hit the news in the past two days. Maybe you have heard of the victims– Caitlin Davis, a cheerleader for the New England Patriots, and Buck Burnette, a center from the Texas Longhorns. Both Caitlin and Buck are under 22 years old and their lives have potentially been ruined because of our glorious Facebook. I couldn’t even imagine.

Caitlin was kicked off the cheerleading squad because of pictures posted on FB of her covering her passed-out-drunk friend in things like “Penis,” “I’m a Jew,” and a few swastikas. Buck was kicked off the Longhorn football team for updating his FB status with a racist remark shortly after Barack Obama won the presidency. Now, I have to wonder if these two FB idiots were punished for acting inappropriately and embarrassing their respective teams, or for making racist comments. Either way, I’m proud of the punishers for stepping up and making an example of these two youngsters.

The moral of the story: Don’t put anything on Facebook that you wouldn’t want someone to see. We have heard it SO many times, but here is yet another example to guard your FB page with your life…or you could be on the streets with Caitlin and Buck.