A little while ago, we conducted The Most Epic Facebook Survey Ever. We asked you guys about everything from how annoying sonogram photos in your newsfeed are, to how many of you have broken up with someone simply by changing your status. We also asked you about Facebook stalking (don’t act like you’ve never done it). If you took the survey, you’ll know that we asked you to define Facebook stalking.

And you guys gave us weird, creepy, hilarious and wacky answers. We learned that some of you are really weird and will probably be arrested soon if you continue your stalking ways, and we learned that some of you are practically undercover detectives when it comes to finding info on your crushes and exes.

Here are 50 ways you guys defined Facebook stalking.

1.  Some call it stalking, I call it L O V E. Enough said.

2.  Brute forcing someone’s password to friend request yourself and monitor their chats.

3. “Facebook Stalking” is like rape, without actually committing a crime. You stalk your prey and watch their every move. However, they can’t know you’re doing it.

4. Sending creepy messages, viewing someones page more than once every few days, looking at EVERY pic and status update.

5. Tracking someone who won’t friend you to try and find out what they are doing. Also, scoping out your friends’ friends based on their profile pic.

6.  The art of checking out girls through impressive internet means.

7.  Find out info about ppl you dont know to later stalk them in real life, For example with a fake facebook profile.

8.  Someone checks where and what someones doin so they can meet up with them “by accident”or just watch them from a distance.

9.  Sitting around searching for people at random and ogling at photos of people you’re never going to meet.

10.  Following your “check-ins” to find you.

11.  When someone looks at someone’s profile every second of the day every day, or likes their every photo and status, or comments.

12. Repeatedly checking someone’s profile that you most likely barely know because you have an unhealthy obsession with their life.

13. Facebook stalking is when you check someone’s page every day to see if they updated their status, google song lyrics they’re using as their status, going through all of their pics, etc.  Also known as creeping.

14. Looking for hot chicks and seeing if their profile is set to private or not.

15. Creeping someone’s page to find out things about them, to see what their doing, to see who’s wall they write on, and to see who writes on theirs.

16. Creeping until you feel like you know the person, their likes and dislikes, their friends, and entire family tree.

17.  Scoping out the profiles of exes and/or people you don’t have as friends.

18.  Looking at people you used to like or be in a relationship with, because you are crazy and delusional.

19. Constantly refreshing their profile to check on their every status and liking every one of their pictures.

20. The act of religiously checking someone else’s facebook. Whether it’s your friend, boyfriend, enemy, etc.

21.  It’s not stalking, it’s window shopping.

22.  There’s no difference between “To Catch a Predator” and facebook stalking.  Same thing except fewer chatrooms and more pokes.

23. Using Facebook to track the online activity of friends, significant others, exes, friends of exes, bosses, coworkers, general enemies, etc.

24. There’s a difference between creeping and stalking. Stalking is when they know.

25. Checked out a cute guy’s facebook. Two hours later, you’re looking at the pictures of his high school friend’s cousin’s girlfriend’s friend and not knowing how you got there.

26. When somebody who doesn’t speak to you follows your updates on a day to day basis.

27. Facebook stalking is more acceptable than not having facebook at all. You do the math.

28. Setting up mobile alerts for the persons messages, also having direct link to their page on your bookmarks or favorites.

29. Creeping on his second cousins best friend’s wedding pictures to see how he looks in semi formal wear!

30. Seeing a girl randomly on the street or in class then proceeding to look her name up in the student directory…like a boss!!!!

31. Thinking their life is your life and or thinking you can’t live without them.

32. My sole relationship with several men, characterized by a constant need for checking his wall, relationships, etc.

33.  Being in everyone’s business on the slick.

34.  Liking the status of all the girls who don’t fucking know you.

35.  21+ guys adding friends’ sisters as friends on Facebook, then proceeding to cyber sex with them.

36. Just casually checking out someone’s facebook profile like, 20 times an hour.

37. The secret act of going through someones entire profile.  Seeing where they work, what languages they speak, that they like Fight Club. Then spending the next 30 mins going through their 177 photos from the ”Cancun Vaca” album.

38.  Facebook stalking is what makes Facebook worthwhile.

39.  Non-stop Poking!

40.  Highly Addictive.

41.  The slightly less awesome version of back-stalking which is looking at someone’s pics backwards to see how fat they’ve gotten since high school. Or even more fun, back-stalking yourself.

42. Look up a person constantly, looking through all their pictures and wall posts. Basically what it was created for.

43.  Research.

44.  How do you NOT stalk someone on FB? FB is the very definition of stalking.

45.  It’s a Necessary Evil !!!!

46.  No such thing

47.  Clicking a link to a friend’s page casually-  leading to 4 hours of intense research on all of their friends and friends-of-friends.

48. Browsing people’s profiles that you don’t really know just because you can.

49.  An activity that’s done in secrecy, although everyone knows everyone does it. Also known as “Facebook creeping”. Basically, you choose your target wisely.

50. Where one creeps the shit out of another person while online and the person being creeped on doesn’t know about it.

Ladies, we have all been there. It’s summer. There’s a bonfire. You look fabulous in your bikini. You’ve had a drink (or two… or three…). And that guy is hot. And you just want him to notice you and become your cabana boy for the next three months. It happens. But there is a very thin line between flirty and creepy.

Fortunately for you fabulous CollegeCandy readers, I’ve devised a simple yet effective checklist to ensure that your fine-tuned flirting skills do not wander into stalker territory. 

• Making eye contact across the party floor while dancing? Flirty. Climbing on top of a table, shouting his name, and then ripping your shirt off and throwing it in his direction? Stalker.
• Biting your lip, just a little bit? Flirty. Gnawing on your lip in a way that appears as if you’re attempting to stop yourself from stealing his liver? Stalker.
• Sending him cute text messages to hang out? Flirty. Repeatedly texting him to figure out his exact location, company, and activity? Stalker.
• Planning to look hot at a party amongst friends that you know he’s attending? Flirty. Crashing a party you know he’s attending, even though you don’t know anyone there except him and you haven’t been invited? Stalker.
• Inviting him to coffee? Flirty. Watching what he orders at a coffee shop and then tracking him down at his summer job a few days later to ask him how his grande white chocolate mocha was on Thursday? Stalker.
• Making him laugh with your go-to funny story? Flirty. Laughing way-too-hysterically at everything he says? Stalker.
• Surprising him on his birthday with a homemade cake? Flirty. Surprising him everyday by waiting outside his door or watching him through his windows? Stalker.
• Cute comments on his Facebook status or photos? Flirty.  Repeatedly Facebook chatting him to get his attention, “liking” everything he posts, and attacking other girls who post on his wall? Stalker.

The line between flirting and stalking is thin. There can be too much of a good thing – lip biting, hotness, attention-seeking. If you start to feel a little crazy, you probably are a little crazy. So chill out by the pool or eat an extra slice of pineapple. No need to wander into “Stalker Land” because that is a label that is hard to shake. Stay cute and classy, ladies. And remember: if you feel suddenly desperate to get his attention, take a few deep breaths and think before you flirt… or else, you might get called, “stalker.”

He’s full of empty promises and is always “I really care about your privacy and I’m not going to show the whole world that photo of you doing naked Olympics.” Then he turns around the next day and broadcasts everything to the world with a “seriously, you’ll end up liking the fact that everyone, including your mother, knows exactly what you did this weekend. And if you don’t, then go back to that dirty heathen of a boyfriend, Myspace, and see if I care.”

And now he’s done it again. He’s introduced a Foursquare for Facebook, called Facebook Places, that takes everyone’s favorite stalker application to the next level. Not only will your friends, frenemy’s, second cousins, and co-workers be able to check into locations, but they’ll also be able to check you into locations. Apparently they’re claiming that it’s just like tagging someone in a photo because it has a detag option. Except tagging an ugly photo of me on Facebook in not equivalent to telling the Facebook community that I’m in the third stall at the Olive Garden on Grove street.

Change your privacy settings today or prepare to see your entire life ruined. Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at my Wikipedia-approved reasoning:

1. No More Lying – So you wanted to get out of your friend’s birthday dinner (because she always insists on wearing a tiara and “kiss me, it’s my birthday sash”) and made up a story about having to cram for a hugeeee test the next day. Instead you go out with some other friends to happy hour where they tag you as being at the bar. Add some photo proof to that tag and you’re about to be defriended…in real life. And that’s the least of your issues. How about the fact that you got out of your boyfriend’s great aunt’s funeral by telling a small white lie that you were really, really sick — only to be location-tagged as being at the school’s biggest tailgate party ever.

2. No More Privacy – Facebook stalking is a totally healthy part of life, real life stalking is a total calling card to spend some time in prison. The two are about to overlap pretty quickly when your stalker starts literally following you from class (because your lab partner tagged you) to the library (because your freshman your roommate spotted you across the stacks and tagged you) to Starbucks (because somehow the barista and you are Facebook friends and she’s trying real hard to be web-savvy).

3. No More Conversation Topics – Facebook has already destroyed 90% of small talk with statuses, newsfeeds, and photo albums. This latest feature will drive the nail into the coffin when your friend starts telling you about her trip home for the weekend and you stop listening because you saw that she checked in to every single place she’s mentioning…including her high school boyfriend’s basement.

4. No More Peace – Get ready for a newsfeed overload, because unlike the privacy-respecting ladies who read CollegeCandy, there are some people out there who will use Facebook Places and use it in excess. If you already thought the Foursquare check-ins were annoying, you’re about to be overwhelmed by what you’re about to learn about your friends. From their walk of shame routes to their drunken check-ins, you will know more about your friends, roommates, T.As, etc., than you ever dreamed possible.

So there you have it. It’s officially the end of privacy. Now it’s up to you whether you want to take the plunge and deactivate (social suicide) or take the risk, stay on, and act cool when your dad’s friend checks him into “Naked Ladies Who Aren’t Your Mom Strip Joint.”

Facebook can turn even the most confident girl into a crazy stalker. Whether it’s clicking rapidly through photo albums and tagged pictures or checking out every. single. girl. who posts on your random hook-up’s wall, we’ve all been there. And that’s OK. It’s not like we’re sitting in a windowless van outside someone’s house for hours, watching their every move. No, we’re just reading what they wanted us to read. No privacy settings, no problem!

But while creepin’ on The Book is totes acceptable, there are some things that just aren’t. So if you’re so-bored-you-want-to-die at your summer job, or even if you’re just obsessed with finding out which of your long lost high school peers has gotten knocked up – if you want to keep your creeping under wraps, remember these few things when you go on a stalking expedition.

Do learn to close all of your tabs when you leave your laptop (or worse, the computer lab)! Actually… stick to Facebook stalking in private. If the evidence isn’t there, it never happened, right?

Do not creep from your cell phone! It’s much easier to accidentally click on something you didn’t mean to (i.e. “liking” your ex-boyfriend’s picture of him and his new lady friend) when using a touch screen. Trust me.

Do realize you need to draw the line somewhere. Checking to see that your ex downgraded with his new girl? Fine. But her friends, her ex-boyfriends, and her sorority sisters? Definitely a don’t.

Stick to sober stalking. Don’t log in after a few Vlad cocktails or when you return home from happy hour. Embarrassing spelling and grammar mistakes aside, no good comments could possibly happen after 2 AM.

Knowing that someone was a busboy for three years… Don’t go around mentioning that – or anything that can only be gleaned from a late night stalk sesh – in casual conversation. Holy awkward, Batman. Accidentally slip? DENY. DENY. DENY. And when all else fails, just blame it on your Newsfeed. That “creepfeed” shows everything these days.

Never, ever, EVER post comments and “like” a post of a person you’re stalking. Especially if that was a status update from 2007. I know what you’re thinking: “Who does that?!” But people do…and it’s creepy. The key here is to continue creeping without being noticed. Get it?

And if you notice that you got a little too carried away, DO step back from your Macbook and take a few deep breaths. Or start growing some sh*t on Farmville. Wait, on second thought, that is a definite don’t.

We’ve all done it.  We claim that we are the best of friends, but the truth is that we are all guilty.  We sit and listen to our friends complain about their breakups, lend a shoulder to cry on, and then offer consoling words:  “You can do so much better” or “he’s the one missing out, not you.”  The sob-fest concludes and what do we do?

We immediately call our other friends to vent about just how annoying it is that Jill still isn’t over Jack.  After all, their break up was three months ago!  Can’t she just get a grip?!  We vow to never act so desperate, and we wouldn’t of course, because our breakups happened around the same and we are so, totally over our ex.

But wait, are we really?  Before we throw Jill down the hill for holding on too long, maybe we should read the signs to see if we aren’t exactly “over” our ex’s either:

Sign 1:  You check his Facebook every time you log on. And by check, I mean analyze literally every post, never missing a beat.  You read every status, look at every picture, and undoubtedly read the wall-to-wall between him and every mysterious girl who leaves a comment.  Privacy settings put on a damper on your stalking capabilities? You get your best friend to friend this anonymous skank (she must be a skank…they all are) so that you can see all 2,000 of her pictures without your ex knowing.  But don’t worry, BFF Jill will reassure you that you are prettier than her in each and every picture.

Sign 2: You text him while drunk. You may blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol, but you manage to text him a variation of “I miass yiou” every time you’re out partying.  After the text is sent, your phone becomes glued to your hand waiting for a response.  If it never comes, the beer tears start flowing.  You are embarrassed in the morning and claim you didn’t mean it; you were wasted.  Excuses, excuses, we’re not buying it.  And speaking of phones…..

Sign 3: You refuse to delete him! You say the nastiest things about him and blabber different versions of “I hate him and am never speaking to him again” to everyone who crosses your path, but you have yet to delete his number from your phone.  You tell yourself that you still have it “just in case”….in case of what?  And to top it off, you still have old text messages saved of the cute things he used to say to you.  You “stumble” upon them every once in awhile claiming you had NO idea they were still there. Mhm, sure.

Sign 4: You plan your hookups according to the likelihood of him finding out. The sweeter the revenge, the more of a chance the new guy has.  He’s a frat brother of your ex’s best friend? PERFECT! He is SURE to find out: perfect candidate!  If you do stumble upon a hot guy who has no connection to your ex, you make sure to get tons of pictures with him.  You on his lap, kissing his cheek, arms around each other, the more the merrier.  And without fail, they are on Facebook the next morning before you’ve even brushed your teeth.

Sign 5: Everything reminds you of him. You find yourself skipping every song on the radio because they just scream his name.  Your friends are jamming out to “Bad Romance” and you immediately must change it because was practically written for you two… you had a romance, and then.. it was bad.  You’re almost certain that Lady GaGa stalked you and used your breakup as inspiration for the lyrics.  Once the music is silenced your friend asks if you caught the new episode of “The Office.”  Of course not, it was his favorite show, so clearly you can’t watch it, or talk about it, because it’s a total representation of him.  You’re right… noooone else watches it, it’s totally “his” show.

Sign 6: You still sleep in his t-shirt….and hoodie…and sweatpants. We know, we know, it’s not because they’re his, it’s because they’re just SO comfortable.  Understandable, his plain t-shirt is probably made out of an extra special, soft, jersey material that no other t-shirt is made out of.  And the hoodie, we know you don’t pay attention to the fact that it has his last name and football number on the back, you just like how massive and cozy it is.  And you’re right, XL sweatshirts probably don’t exist anywhere else, his pair is one of a kind.

If you were found guilty of more than one of these tell tale signs…then you might not want to be so quick to judge Jill the next time she gets choked up when Justin Bieber’s “One Less Lonely Girl” comes on the radio.  But it’s OK, maybe in the end you have to go through all of these steps to actually get over him.  And don’t worry, you are prettier than the anonymous whore on his Facebook (even though she happens to be his cousin…)

So he got my number and told me he would call.
He waited 3 days.
Annoying, but expected.

I was at work when TFB (Tall Funny Boy) called. And being the world’s worst phone person that I am, I didn’t call him back right away. Work got crazy and before I knew it two days had passed and I still had not called the boy back. Rude? A bit. But also a total honest mistake. I made a mental note to call him that night and carried on with my day.

But here’s the kicker: as I was leaving work, I noticed a missed call on my phone and a voicemail message in my inbox.

“Hey it’s ****. Just calling again to see what’s up. Give me a call when you get a chance.”

And then, before I even had the chance to park my car and head back into my house, he called me AGAIN.

I know, I know – I should’ve been overjoyed. I can’t count on all my fingers, toes and every other extremity how many times a guy has told me he’d call and then didn’t. Which my friends reminded me as I shared my annoyance with them.

“He must just like you.” (Well, duh.)
“He is just interested – he’s pursuing you, that is so flattering.”
“Can you pass the Oreos?… Thanks….Oh yeah. He’s totally diggin’ you.”
“Haven’t you read that book He’s Just Not That Into You? Clearly this guy is, so what’s the problem?”

And so it went. And even though I was in a perpetual eye-roll for the duration of that conversation, it did get me thinking. Maybe I should be flattered. Maybe I’m just not used to being pursued and this actually is a good thing. Maybe I should get over the creepy factor (I know he wasn’t stalking me, but it was a little much) and call him back.

But then other thoughts flooded my mind. Namely, the fact that this situation is just totally unfair.

If I had gone out with this guy and if I been the one to call him twice in a row without hearing back, do you think his friends would be passing him the bag of Oreos and saying, “that is so flattering?”

HELL NO. Even if you replaced “bag of Oreos” with “cans of Natty Light.” Unless his guy friends like to dance around in tutus and tiaras. And even then, his friends and said guy would still think I was bat sh*t crazy with major issues. Words that would probably come up in that convo: neurotic, clingy, crazy bitch, RUN. RUN NOW.

So why is it that I’m supposed to start swooning over how much this guy must like me and want to take me out when, if the tables were turned, the guy would probably never return my calls, unfriend me from Facebook and enter witness protection? Just because I’m a girl I’m supposed to go along with it? I’m not allowed to be turned off, too?

It’s double standards like these that irk me to my very core and sometimes make me hate being a girl. Why does it seem like guys get handed all the control in the relationship and we’re just sorta along for the ride? Why do we consistently give them a free pass to do the things we’ve been taught are major do nots? Do we set our standards too low, or are guys setting them way too high?

I just need to know: am I the only one feeling this way, or is this yet another dating double standard we just have to deal with?

As someone who’s spent a majority of their college career in an LDR, only spending summers and holidays with my guy, I consider myself an expert in the intricacies of the dreaded time apart. Are you thinking of starting one as you and your warm-weather fling get ready for separate schools next fall? Answer the following Q’s to see if you have what it takes!

Drinkin’
When you get drunk, is it impossible for you to keep the flirting to a minimum? Do your beer goggles often lead you to bring guys back for some late night noshing and nooky after the bars?

Do you think that “making out” with a rando is okay as long as it only happens once and you can’t really remember it the next morning?

BFFs
Are you jealous of your girlfriends who are in relationships? If your roommate was sleeping at her boyfriend’s house every night, would you wallow in depression knowing that your boyfriend was miles away?

Stalkin’
Are you a stalker? If your BF got tagged in a Facebook picture with a group of attractive and scantily-clothed girls, would you attempt to hack into his account to make sure that they were “just friends?”

Do you to think its okay to read your BF’s emails and Facebook messages? What about listening to his voicemails? (Be honest… we don’t judge!)

Jealousy/Paranoia/General Craziness
Are you a very jealous person? If your boyfriend didn’t call you for a few hours, would you assume that he was getting it on with his hot treadmill buddy from the gym?

Would you call him more than two times if he didn’t pick up? Have you been known to send out your share of passive aggressive text messages?

Talkin’
Are you bad at talking on the phone? Would you be bummed if you had to skip out on Sunday night dining-hall-binge-sessions with your friends so that you and your boyfriend could recap your weekends with a 60 minute phone call?

Peepin’
Does the thought of getting naughty with your computer’s camera make you uncomfortable? Are you too busy for frequent video-chatting?

Travelin’
Are you a far plane ride away from your guy? Would it cost you a lot of money to visit him as often as you wanted? Is there a time difference that would make everyday communication difficult?

If you answered “YES” to a number of these questions, I’d think twice before jumping into the LDR pool. After all, these are a bunch of fish in the sea, right? Sometimes it’s better to end things when they’re good then end up looking like a drunk crazy stalker who can’t go home alone at the end of the night…

Sleeping with your cell phone near your head as you wait for that boy to call.
Googling him to find out his interests…and then getting interested in professional hot dog eating yourself.
Eating only half of your burger when you could have eaten the whole thing and the fries so he didn’t think you were a heffer.

We get it. No biggie. Especially when you compare yourself to the real crazies out there:

The Sperm Jacker
Askmen.com recently warned their readers to beware of this crazy woman. The sperm-jacker is a woman who has neglected having children to focus on her career. When she starts to hear her biological clock ticking, she decides it is time to get pregnant. She goes out to a bar to find a man who will (seemingly) be able to provide for offspring, beds him, and then “accidently on purpose” gets pregnant.

The Marriage Trapper
We all know who this girl is – she wants her boyfriend to commit and his bachelor-ass doesn’t want to. Solution: get pregnant. This girl will get off the pill behind her boyfriend’s back or poke holes in his condoms when he’s not looking in order to get pregnant and force him to marry her. Some women go to even more desperate measures (yes, it does get more desperate than that!), and have sex with someone else to get pregnant and claim it’s their boyfriends. Too bad that plan didn’t work out so well for this woman, whose boyfriend had had a vasectomy that she didn’t know about.

The Circumsizer
In ancient times, police would punish thieves by cutting off their hands. Now, women punish cheaters by cutting off their penises. The punishment fits the crime, right? This woman and this woman think so.

The (Statutory) Rapist
There is no man quite as sexy as a 13-year-old pre-pubescent boy, right? Can I get a “Ew gross!”? Maybe these women aren’t satisfied in their adult relationships, or maybe they have a thing for acne, but there are a lot of women out there falling head over heels for those middle school boys. This fox news article summarizes a few of the cases.

The Stalker
This women is obsessive and jealous. When she is with someone, she knows where they are at all times. She reads his email and checks his Facebook/MySpace/Twitter. She browses his text messages and call log daily. After the break up, she continues to stalk. She keeps reading the email. She will show up in places she knows he will be, just to see who he is with. If he blocks her on Facebook, she will used a friend’s account to keep tabs. An askmen.com user reports his experience with this crazy woman here.

What do you think? Do these crazies make you feel better or worse?
Even more, do you see yourself turning into one of these!?

Decidedly not crazy.

Yet for some reason, whenever a particularly witty, charming, attractive male glides into the picture, my so-called sanity gets a little shaky. Suddenly, I find myself Googling his name at 2AM, skimming news briefs about what appears to be a highlight-filled yet short-lived high school soccer career. I’m not crazy, I rationalize; I simply want to be informed.

We’ve all been there. Or at least I hope we’ve all been there, because I really don’t want to be the only one who creeps like this. Guys I like just make me a little bit of a nutter. Fingers crossed these apply to you too.

The Google-Facebook-Twitter Stalk

It’s so easy. So tempting. And so very anonymous. He’ll never know that you scanned his public profile, comparing your music tastes and reveling in your mutual distaste for bumper stickers. He likes Death Cab and working out and has the same birthday as your Aunt Linda! It must be destiny. And although I’m not a big fan of this Twitter business, I’m pretty sure constant updates on your crush’s well-being in real time could be fairly intriguing. Calvin is brushing his teeth. He must be hygienic. Calvin is reading for Poli Sci. You always had a thing for nerds. Calvin basically wants to BE Flava Flav. Well… maybe he’ll give you a cute nickname. Like Hoops.

The I-Didn’t-Know-Your-Last-Class-Got-Out-At-3:50-I’m-Just-Cutting-Through-The-Arts-and-Science-Building-To-Get-To-The-Bookstore Move

Nothing is quite as Disney Channel Original Movie as the not-so-surprised run-in. Oh! I didn’t expect to see you here! I’m just meeting a friend. On a Wednesday. You know, during a passing period. Wearing skinny jeans and a clingy American Apparel V-neck when I usually just rough it in my Target-brand track shorts. But that’s so funny that I ran into you. It’s not like I’ve been intently studying the vending machine down the hall for the past seven minutes so I appear to have a purpose for loitering outside your lecture hall. Want a Gardetto?

The Drag-Half-Your-Friends-To-His-Frat/Party/Acapella Concert Tactic

After deciding that maybe telling your girls it’s a white trash themed event when it’s really semi-formal is a little too cutthroat (hey, whatever makes you look cute in comparison), you enlist a small posse to accompany you to his social setting of choice. Once there, you laugh loudly, take pictures, dance like a video extra, and essentially let that love interest know that you are hilarious, photogenic, and Sasha Fierce 2.0. It’s probably best that you rely on the look, look away eye contact. It’s a classic, and not THAT creepy. Right? Right. Bonus points for flirting with other guys, because that’s obviously a perfectly logical way to win him over.

Okay, so this crazy in love deal can’t be just me. What’s the most ridiculous, potentially embarrassing thing you’ve done in the name of crushing? “Check yes or no” notes? Personalized tee-shirts?

Today is Facebook’s 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Five years? We’ve been stalking our friends (and friends of friends of friends) for 5 whole years?!

I’m always astonished by how quickly novelty becomes routine, and how easily routine slides dismally into annoyance. When I first logged on to Facebook, you know, senior year of high school – damn! – there they were, Joe and Chelsea and Ian and Howie and, oh boy! When did I get so many friends? And when did everyone start looking so good in pictures? My excitement was boundless. I was so pumped, I posted on my own wall.

Since then, the spell has worn off a bit. Facebook has become at best a boring tool (the seventh simple machine?) and at worst a recipe for failing your finals. We’ve all spent those wee-morning hours clicking through photos of proms and parties past. We’ve lost (real-life) friends over comment arguments about “just how drunk Mandy was” in that one album. And now our mothers are on Facebook, and they’ve Bitten us. “Start Biting people, and raise your own Vampire Horde!” Thanks, Mom!

But c’mon, Facebook’s great, right? We really do love it. It’s like a drug. And if you took that drug away, the withdrawal symptoms would be severe. In a world where all our Facebook connections were replaced by tin-can telephones, what couldn’t we do? More importantly, would we be able to park our culture in the handicapped spot?

Fight the good fight

Whether you’re into ending the Iraq war or whether you think bears should run the country, you can quickly, efficiently coordinate your frothing teen acolytes through Facebook. Just today, I was invited to a group devoted to publicizing a coal waste accident that polluted the Tennessee River. See, without Facebook, I wouldn’t have heard about this terrible accident at all, and I’d probably just spend the rest of tonight eating chocolate and listening to Bing Crosby records. Instead, I’ll be thinking about Appalachia while I eat chocolate and listen to Bing Crosby records. Hey, wait a minute! How often do you think about whatever groups you joined on Facebook? It’s regular, offhand, unnoticed. I mean, it’s great to connect with passionate youth from across the globe about every issue imaginable, but in a way, when you’ve got seven hundred different Causes, it’s hard to care that much about any one of them. Now, if some ragged protester with a gaze of steel and a booming voice came to my door and screamed at me, I’d probably be a lot more inspired.

Hail some hook-ups

Without Facebook, random hook-ups would be a lot more… random.

Real Science Fact: 95% of Facebook users really just use the system to find people to have sex with. You log on, you take a look at your feed, and you then you spot them: that guy/girl who was a total schlub in high school but now has just come back from digging Korean water mains or building the pyramids or whatever and is totally smokin’. And if you were to call them up, actually pick up the phone and dial their number, it’d be awkward – because when someone you haven’t talked to in three years calls you up on a Friday night, it’s weird. But Facebooking someone asking to catch up – nah, that’s normal, that’s easy. Standard operating procedure. “hey happy bday, hows your semestr, haven’t talked in a while lol… lets get starbux sometime.” Try that line face-to-face, and you just get funny looks. But with the convenience of Facebook, you’re a master flirt – because you know what? They see your message, and they’re probably secretly thinking the same thing. Hopefully they don’t have syphilis.

Invade other people’s personal lives

Thanks to Facebook, we can all be armchair control freaks. Wondering who the boyfriend’s been talking to lately? Check his Wall. Where’s he been without you? Check the photos. Who’s he been playing Jetman with? You can look that up, too – no hidden cameras or hairs on the closet door needed. And stalking becomes effortless – without Facebook, you’d have to resort to the ladder by the bedroom window, the slow, repeated drive-by, the overcoat and wide-brimmed hat on the street corner. Far less dangerous, and completely anonymous; I’ve allowed names I didn’t recognize friend me before, and I’ve yet to figure out exactly who they are. In my imagination, I have many stalkers, and they’re all tall, beautiful women who pine desperately for a strapping young man like me to accept their love and joint ownership of their enormous bank accounts.

So, let’s see what we’ve got here: without Facebook, we’d probably hear about fewer causes, but we’d also care more about the ones we did hear about; we’d generally have fewer awkward hook-ups with people we only barely know; and we’d actually have to talk to each other if our relationships had serious trust issues. Sounds like stopping the Facebook insanity before it reaches its 6th birthday is a good idea.

Right after you get with your lab partner from high school physics, of course.