Apparently these pillows, made by Durex, are supposed to turn boys into men by helping them last a little longer.

We’re all for that, because our resolution this year is to actually orgasm from sex, but really? Isn’t there a better option? Like, I don’t know, finding a guy who can last longer than 3 minutes without mental images of his mom running through his head?

There’s just got to be a better way. Imagine waking up next to that in the morning. I’d rather give myself the orgasm.

The semester’s off and running, the weather’s getting worse, and next summer feels like an eternity. It’s easy to find your mood plummeting, your motivation waning, and your usually chipper self turning into a snappy betch. Misery has a snowball effect: you’re grumpy, and it rubs off on your roommate; you’re already in a bad mood, and walking into a pop quiz can set you over the edge. Before the blahs take over your body, take time to stop, breathe, recharge and rejuvenate. Here are five quick pick-me-ups to get you out of a funk.

1. Sleep: You’ve been up at the crack of dawn every morning to hit the gym, struggle to stay awake through three back-to-back classes, rush to your part-time job, and finally head home to tackle several hours worth of homework. Of course you’re feeling dreary! Lack of sleep can have adverse psychological effects– take it from a girl who is known to burst into tears at the slightest provocation after pulling an all-nighter or two– so even if you can’t fit in a full eight hours of sleep a night, treat yourself to a long, comatose nap. When you wake up, you’ll be more energetic and alert, so it might even boost your studying stamina later in the week.

2. Treat Yourself: You’ve been running on empty for weeks, neglecting yourself in order to make a good impression on your professors, sorority sisters, friends, coworkers, etc. Do something nice for yourself. If you have some extra cash, buy yourself a new outfit. If you think you look good, you’re bound to feel good, too. Low on cash? Scrape together some change and download a couple of jams on i-Tunes. I mean, they’re only 99 cents most of the time– you deserve it! Get a track that will raise your spirits, like Flo Rida’s “In the Ayer,” DJ Laz’s “Move, Shake, Drop Remix” or, for a bubblegum pop sound, The Orion Experience’s “Obsessed with You.” Then, crank up your speakers and have your own personal dance party for a few minutes. It’ll be worth it.

3. Exercise: Everyone knows that cardio releases endorphins in your brain. When I’m in a bad mood, I take out my anger on the elliptical machine, and half an hour later, I’m dripping with sweat, I’ve burned 400 calories, and I forget what I was so frustrated with in the first place. If you’re really miserable and the first five minutes feels like forever, just pushing yourself to finish the circuit can feel like an accomplishment. If the university gym has a group exercise schedule, take advantage. You’re less likely to quit after ten minutes of Zumba when you’re surrounded by twenty of your peers, and chances are, the class comes equipped with some peppy beats.

4. Laugh it Off: Throw a Will Ferrell flick into the DVD player or catch up on The Office. Go online and waste your time at LOLcats or Yearbook Yourself. My personal favorite is Group Hug, which has been around longer than PostSecret. Whenever I read the confessions on this site, I either pee my pants, or just feel better about myself for having NOT done some of the shenanigans these strangers own up to.

Other ways to laugh it off? Grab your roommate and act like five-year-olds. My former roommate and I both had final exams the DAY BEFORE we graduated college. We needed to study, but couldn’t focus. We were stressed that we couldn’t focus, because we didn’t want to screw things up at the last minute. So what did we do? We put on our caps and gowns, and drew giant smiley faces on pillowcases and wore them over our heads.

We actually won a graduation-themed photo contest with that one. Of course, we can’t all be ruining our bedding every time we get stressed out, but I’ve found that a solid phone call with a good friend in which we recount the stupid sh*t we’ve done over the years also works wonders.

5. Blow Everything Off: If you decide to sleep, shop, work out, or watch a movie, chances are you’re blowing something off to do it. But sometimes, you need to put everything on pause. Working five shifts a week on top of your heavy course load? Take a night off… just because. Social schedule getting in the way? Turn off your phone and spend some QT with yourself. Social schedule nonexistent? It won’t kill you to skip your night class (just this once) and go dancing with your friends.

Hell, blow off your diet and 3-hour-a-day workout routine and eat a freaking piece of chocolate cake. You might be thinking, “There’s no way I have the time to blow everything off!” But sometimes, you have to choose your battles. If you stress yourself into a nervous breakdown, you won’t be getting any homework done from the psych ward.

[Any other funk-fighting tips?]

(photo from www.justlaura.com)

But then the games began (and Michael put on a swim cap/Speedo) and I began to see what everyone else was talking about. I mean – this guy was looking good. Really good. Like, “I kinda sorta (read: totally) wanna do him” good. He is pretty much as close to perfect as any man can get.

Don’t agree? Here are 5 Reasons Why I Want to Do The Breast Stroke (see how I made a swimming term into something sexual? Yeah, I’m that good) With Michael Phelps:

He’s Got Moves: Maybe it’s just me, but when I watch Phelps dive off the platform and do that little mermaid move….well, I can only think dirty, naughty things. He knows how to use his body well and I have a feeling that little move would work wonders both in and out of the pool.

He Loves His Mama: There is nothing more attractive than a guy who loves his mother. Not only is that the sweetest thing ever, but it means is going to respect you and treat you well, too.

Lots o Bling: I love gold and Phelps has more gold around his neck than 50 Cent… and that is saying a lot. Plus, he earned them the hard way (not simply by getting shot 50 times, writing some crappy rap song and buying a giant gold plate encrusted in diamonds to show off to the ladies).

Stamina: Have you ever tried to swim 400 meters against the fastest men in the world? Me either (I prefer to float…with a beer in the raft’s cup holder), but I bet it’s really effing hard. Not for Mikey; this dude has some serious stamina, and you know that will translate well into the bedroom. No, “Oops! I’m sorry…” here; Phelps is in it until the end.

He’s Not Afraid of Rubber/Latex: The guy wears a rubber cap for a living – he won’t have a problem wearing the other rubber cap in the bedroom.

Come to mama, Michael.

But, now, a certain health or energy drink called Boost Plus gave one man an uncontrollable erection, ending up with him being hospitalized. HA. That really must be an inconvenience at work to have a huge boner.

I know I may sound insensitive, but come on, it’s a little bit funny…right? Anyways, this was not merely an annoyance for this poor man, but resulted in having surgery to calm down his over-excited self.

Yahoo News reports that he went to bed after drinking Boost Plus and woke up “with an erection that would not subside.” He then sought treatment that day for the condition, called severe priapism.Because his situation was so bad, surgery was needed in order to implant a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another.

Man, talk about negative side effects. I wonder what it would do to a girl?