Here at CollegeCandy, we truly believe that there’s nothing better than spending your afternoon ROTFL (or is it ROTFLing? A little help?). And there’s no better way to do it than by listening to this hilarious new interview from Chelsea Handler where she talks about everything from Bethenny Frankel’s face to her animal-trainer boyfriend. We just wished that she had touched on this embarrassing awesome new show starring Melissa “trying so hard to get back in the spotlight” Joan Hart.

Oh well. Any Tuesday LOLs are good enough for us.

I’m having a tough time admitting this, mostly because I think she stole my life, but I have a huge crush on Chelsea Handler. I was introduced to Ms. Handler a few years back when my friend shoved her first book, “My Horizontal Life” in my hands and screamed, “this was your idea!”

Yes, it’s true. I had always planned on compiling my one night stand stories into a book, but I needed a few more hump sessions to complete it and Chelsea beat me to it.

I wanted to so badly to hate what I read, but I couldn’t. The book was laugh out loud funny, and I’m pretty sure I bothered everyone else in Starbucks when I read the entire thing in one day. When I finally reached the end, I determined that Chelsea and I were soul mates.

Since then, Chelsea has written another NY Times Bestseller and got her very own show, Chelsea Lately, on E! Some people think she slept her way into that late night slot (her BF just happens to be in charge of the network), but I don’t care. If it took a little pork-sesh to bring this woman to TV, then so be it. If anything, it only proves that the woman is as good between the sheets as she is behind the round table.

Chelsea Handler is hilarious, beautiful, witty and has a killer sense of style. When I tune into her show nightly (I haven’t missed an episode in months), I am as entertained by what she says and does as I am by the gorgeous and drool-worthy stilettos on her feet. Stilettos that she uses to effectively stomp on the hopes, dreams and careers of Hollywood’s most ridiculous characters.

And even they find her funny.

Chelsea Handler proves that comedy isn’t just for the boys/ugly women. She’s the total package and if it takes sleeping with her to become her full-sized sidekick (she’s already got a mini-friend), I’ll do it. Maybe we could pen that story into a book together.

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

One thing of note was the female presence wasn’t as strong as in year’s past. There are still a several audition cities to go, but as of right now only one of the six semi-finalists is a woman…and frankly she wasn’t very funny. Funny ladies were in full effect last year and Amy Schumer even made it to the top 3. Let’s hope the women can bring it back next week.

Anyway, the fellas came out swinging.

Louis Ramey was the king of night one. As an African-American, especially one from Wisconsin, I can appreciate his jokes about getting double takes on the ski slopes. He was creative, shocking and had impeccable timing. He appears to have the most experience but he kind of lacks star power.

There’s also a fake Christian Folk duo called God’s Pottery in the competition this year. Musical comedians like Flight of the Conchords and Demetri Martin are taking over the comedy landscape and it’s about time Last Comic Standing got in on the act. The boys in God’s Pottery do a spot on impression of your typical Christian music group. They smile excessively, they wear shirts that say “Virginity Rocks” and they play a mean acoustic guitar. My only worry is that they won’t be able nor want to stay in character the whole time.

Did any of you watch tonight? I think I would’ve found more laughs in an Office re-run but hey, the season is young. What did you think of the new crop of talent?

If you haven’t had the pleasure of witnessing her antics, Chelsea Handler is a complete trip with great material and no shame. I found Chelsea several years ago on the Oxygen Network’s “Girls Behaving Badly”, and from there followed her to the E! Network and caught a few stand-up shows — the rest is history.

So last weekend I picked up Chelsea’s book after many months of putting it off (like I said, reading for fun loses all appeal when you have to read for purpose), and headed to a nearby coffee shop to enjoy my book with a nice cup of coffee.

I have never felt like more of a spaz. I barely made it through the first chapter without literally laughing out loud – as in laughing out loud in the middle of a crowded coffee shop filled with students studying hard, sitting all by myself. Talk about being that girl.

It only took me a few more failed attempts to try and hide my laughing before I decided Chelsea’s book was best read in the privacy of my home, where only my roommates would judge me – and I have a feeling laughing while reading isn’t too high on the list.

I continued the rest of the book — yes, I read the whole thing in one sitting — in the living room with all my roommates, who continually asked me about every five minutes what I was laughing at, (the Jurassic park feet reference killed me.) Needless to say, this book became a cult-classic in my household within a week.

Her book, “A Collection Of One Night Stands” is just what is sounds like, an entire book in which Chelsea recalls all of her one night stands dating back to high school. Her conquests range from a stallion of a man she met on the Internet in community college, a summer fling with a Jersey Shore gas station attendant, a midget in Mexico, her gyno, plus about 15 more. (Starting to feel better about your one night stands?)

Sure, you can call her promiscuous and irresponsible, but there is so much entertainment to be found in the tales of a women who holds nothing back in her recollections (including her own skid-marks.) And the sheer unabashed nature of it all just makes you happy you can live vicariously through her, and enjoy the laughs without the continuous STD tests and hangovers.

After your next long week, when you’re in need of some humor and just not wanting to be the one who gets laughed at, enjoy some laughs with and at Chelsea.

And for the real fans, there is a second book, “Are You There God, It’s Me Chelsea” coming out real soon.

Last week, Johnny Boy performed a little impromptu comedy routine at New York’s Comedy Cellar, most of which was caught and posted on YouTube. The little bit I was able to watch included a bit about Carrie Underwood’s newest song and John’s inclination to wear tight clothes (why he’s broadcasting this fact is beyond me, but hey, just because I have a rabid distaste for hipster fashion doesn’t mean the rest of the world does).

The dude isn’t bad—believe me, I’ve seen some horrible comedy since coming to the city that never shuts up—but he isn’t that awesome either. He’s got a good presence and seems very down to earth and knowledgeable about his celerity status, but he’s no Dane “Pre Giant Amounts of Success” Cook.

My take? (since you asked, darlings) There’s something there, but before he gets his own special on Comedy Central, Johnny might want to work on that special thing called the funniness factor.

His other choice is to write a song about me and put it on his next album. If he wants to do that, I’ll think him the most hilarious man in the world.