For times like those, magazines are the way to go (plus, who doesn’t like perfume samples and grocery coupons?). But you don’t want to waste your money on just any magazine; you want the one that will give you the most (gossip) bang for your buck.

So which ones are best? I scoured the grocery store check-out aisles for candy bars the top dogs in gossip magazines and here are my rankings:

People

This is definitely the cream of the crop, in terms of the amount of coverage, story quality, and reliability. It seems to actually like the people it talks about, showing amazing weight loss stories more than gains, and cute bikini pictures more than cellulite. Since it’s the most popular one and the most sympathetic towards its subjects, the stars are more willing to give interviews and send exclusive baby pictures that aren’t found elsewhere. The writers only print what they can back up with hard facts and legitimate sources, and always have a few pages of deeper articles, like “Real Heroes Among Us.” Sometimes, though, the articles are a bit too long for relaxed beach-reading material, and sometimes are a little depressing compared to the more fun and trashy mags.
Overall Score: 9

Us Weekly

If People is king, then Us Weekly is his lovely queen. I love the features like, “Stars- They’re Just Like Us!” or the snarky comments in the “Fashion Police.” Even though the articles are pretty shallow and not particularly well-written, they’re always fun and entertaining (meaning no deaths or disasters). And just like People, they’re pretty high in reliability and have the latest photos in the business.
Overall Score: 8

Star

This ugly duckling has transformed from a dirt-grubbing tabloid (National Enquirer, anyone?) to a certified glossy. Although it lacks the reliability of the top performers, Star is always a fun read that’s filled with attention-grabbing headliners, always accentuated with exclamation points. Titles like “Scariest Hollywood Makeovers!” and varying back-page features like “Public Displays of Consumption” (huh?) offer a wide breadth of topics, but don’t exactly have the most flattering pictures or correct information. Details…
Overall Score: 6

In Touch

Basically the poor man’s version of Us Weekly, and not even close in terms of credence and quality. The stories are kind of bland, tend to be more inaccurate, and the picture quality isn’t even very good. The only time you would want to buy this is if you only had $2 to spend, or if all the other magazines were sold out and you were about to get on a really long plane ride and had absolutely nothing else to do. Even then, though, I’d rather spend my money on Sour Patch Kids and read the back of the box.
Overall Score: 3

Do you have any favorites on the shelves? Or do you prefer to read juicy celebrity gossip online? Lemme know!

Alright, I’m not gonna be the dude who writes about Jake G. on the website for women and hates on him. I think Gyllenhaal is a great actor. He throws down pretty hard regardless of part, whether it’s a marine or a gay cowboy or a teen who keeps seeing a rabbit.

I also won’t be the guy who says ‘yeah he looks good, but I mean, I’ve seen better.’ As a heterosexual man, I feel fine saying Jake looks godd*mn HUGE in these new pictures. Respect for putting on that weight and not being afraid to lose all that ’sweet little boy look’ money.

But, I gotta say something.

This movie is called Prince of Persia.

OF.

PERSIA.

Attention, Hollywood. Ethnicity is not a tan. Even in the game, designed by a western production house, the Prince has a Eurasian vibe going. This isn’t Gyllenhaal’s fault of course, just the casting director’s. Though I can’t help but think that someone as successful as him, who isn’t necessarily desperate for greenbacks or notoriety, could’ve maybe at least considered that this might be a mistake.

Agent: Jake, new project. Prince of Persia. BOOYA.

Jake: That is cool. I like those games but…

Agent: But what? Video game money is baller!

Jake: Ya but I’m not Persian. I’m not of any middle eastern ancestry at all.

(Quick look in mirror)

Jake: Actually, looking at myself now, I think I may have the whitest, least ethnic face in all of Hollywood. That’s probably why I made such believable ‘everyteens’ and ‘everymarines.’ Isn’t there someone else who could do this?

Agent: But Jake, it’s about an Arab prince who controls time with a sword. You are this part.

Whatever. Video game movies with big stars are probably the next thing to dominate Hollywood after the year comic books just had at the box office, so it’s to be expected that we’d get a few mis-casts. But hey, maybe he’ll pull it off.

Apply some more bronzer, I guess.

I admit to not putting 100% into my academic efforts in college, but that was because I didn’t need to. I was writing papers with a buzz on and taking finals hungover, and still made Dean’s List. I knew that grad school would be different though, and I fully intended on being a legitimate scholar.

If you are considering grad school, you are probably doing very well in school. By senior year, you’re probably breaking the curves and tutoring your friends. You probably stand out in class for having thoughtful ideas and a firm grasp of the subject matter. Newsflash: Everyone in Grad School has gotten used to being a star scholar.

Often, PhD students and MA students will be mixed into classes together. I went from taking Shakespeare classes with business majors who didn’t know the definition of “iambic pentameter” to listening to a PhD debate over which folio edition was most likely the Bard’s original manuscript. WTF? My thoughts exactly.

Because college often mixes students of all different academic backgrounds, there’s a lot of information that slips through the cracks, even in a university setting. There were certain things that other MA students took for granted that I’d never been taught. A lot of research methods that PhD students had been using for years were completely alien to me. Even more embarrassing (for an English major, especially): I’d never written an abstract. Of course, writing an abstract was one of my first assignments in grad school.

I spent longer writing my first two-page abstract (a response to a critical article by one of the most renowned Shakespeare scholars in academia) than I did writing a ten-page research paper in college. Imagine my disdain when I received a “check minus” and a “Please Revise” comment on the damn thing. My professors in undergrad had always complimented my writing style, but my graduate professor tore apart my abstract. Comments like “wordy,” “colloquial,” and “strive for active verbs” littered the piece that I’d struggled with for hours.

As I continued through the semester, I continued to be disappointed with myself time and again. I ended up rewriting almost every abstract I wrote for my graduate Shakespeare class, and even my revisions usually didn’t get a higher mark than a “check.” Once a straight “A” student, I got a “C” on an easy response activity because I had two grammatical errors that involved a comma and a semi-colon. I had research paper proposals torn to shreds, and I was told to completely redo entire assignments for various reasons.

Of course, by the end of my grad school career, I was working with the same professor who had given me my first “check minus.” As my thesis advisor, she constantly reassured me that my writing style had become more polished, and the rest of my committee also complimented my word choice and tone. In the end, I stuck it out, and I improved, but it was never easy to handle harsh criticism and see my work take such a beating.

I’m not going to tell you that I finished grad school without a considerable amount of tears, rage, and near-nervous breakdowns. Still, I completed the degree and expanded my knowledge of English literature. Looking back, I think I may have been too sensitive to the negative feedback I received time and again, but that just goes to show that grad school isn’t for everyone. If you are planning on moving on, I suggest you grow a thick skin and check your ego at the door.

I mean, in America, the stereotypical retiree will move down to Florida to spend their time lounging by the pool in a gated community or playing a few holes on the golf course. Lame. In Japan, adult films for senior citizens, aka “elderly porn” is growing into quite the profitable franchise, according to porn producing giant Ruby Productions.

While America’s economy is declining, many entertainment venues (including golf courses) are taking a hit. In Japan, at least one retiree is cashing in on the entertainment biz. Shigeo Tokuda, 73, is the Ron Jeremy of elderly porn.

CNN correspondent Kyung Lah describes Tokuda as “the star of his movies in every way, romancing his co-stars, no matter their age, no matter their needs.” And apparently, his films are no-holds-barred, much like anything Jenna Jameson has appeared in.

This human interest story might come as a shock to American citizens, but as a nation, Japan is home to the world’s highest percentage of people over 65. Who says the greater populace can’t have a little fun? Tokuda isn’t some pervy old man, either. He’s been married for forty-four years, and his wife supports his new career path. Lah reports that he’s a polite and humble man, and though it’s not easy to watch Tokuda’s raunchy scenes, “it’s a little like watching your grandfather in a situation you never dared to dream.” Aww, that’s sweet. Or creepy.

In any case, Tokuda can be considered a retirement legend. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys half- or one-third his age who would love to achieve such celebrity status. And if he can chase his dreams at 73, I can’t wait for my own retirement.