As your official Jersey Shore recapper for the summer, I wanted to bring you a taste of what’s to come. What those Top Chef people call an amuse-bouche, if you will, outlining the pros and cons of the encroaching season of the Jersey Shore. (ONLY ONE WEEK TO GO!)

Now, before you muss up your poof in sheer excitement and spill your Heineken all over your Ed Hardy shirt, let’s think about the pros and cons of this season. Will Season 2 even come close to living up to the shenanigans of Season 1?

Angelina
Pros: More poof-pulling, studded-shirt-tearing girl fights! Bring it on Kim Kardashian of Staten Island! We’re so ready to see J.Woww lay the smack down on her with Snooki cheering her on from the sidelines.

Cons: Why did they bring this crazyface back? Seriously? In my book, if you pack up your ish in a garbage bag and go back to your married boyfriend, you’re out. Did the producers at MTV hit their heads on the bar after too many shots and suffer amnesia and forgot all the buzz killing that Angelina brought to the house within a mere two episodes? Leave this girl where she belongs: off the shore and back in Staten Island getting her hoo-ha waxed. Like anyone wants to see that anyway.

Miami
Pros: Just Google the lyrics to Will Smith’s Miami. It really doesn’t need any more explanation. Miami rules.

Cons: Wait, really? Miami? I thought the show was called the Jersey Shore? If I wanted to watch a show about South Beach, MTV could’ve brought back that atrocious 8th and Ocean. Or I could just watch Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. Or I could just turn on ESPN, since they won’t shut up about the Miami Heat. Still bitter, Lebron. Still bitter.

The Fame
Pros: So now the JS kiddies are full fledged celebs- strutting their stuff on the red carpet and striking poses in Harper’s Bazaar. I’m hard pressed to think of anyone who doesn’t know what the Jersey Shore is. Could their celebrity status get them into better bars? Better clothes? Less oompa-loompa looking tans? So excited to see how hard Hollywood’s hit them!

Cons: Ugh, really? The whole reason we love the Jersey Shore is the raw, real side of it. Overscripted “reality shows” are so done (I’m looking at you, “The Hills” and “The City”) and it was refreshing to have a bunch of wild and crazy unknowns partying unpretentiously in Seaside. Now the JS gang has their egos inflated even bigger than they already were, partying like rock stars. That’s so not what I tuned in for last season. Just when I thought Sammi Sweetheart couldn’t be more of a b*tch…

The Prediction?: I foresee one more crazyface season of Jersey Shore this summer. Despite the crew’s newfound fame and return of the pointless “Princess of Staten Island” (Angelina), the previews have made me jump up and down with excitement. We’ll see what happens, and I’ll be here all summer to cover Jersey Shore’s every fist pump, hair pull and hook up.

Dear Katie,

Remember when you used to smile? I mean, really smile. Not that Tom-Gets-Mad-If-I-Don’t-Grin smile. Remember when you dressed your age and actually spoke?

Where did those days go? Has Tom done something to your brain? He hasn’t lobotomized you, has he? I wouldn’t put it past that guy to have a complete lobotomizing room in his basement. Has he given you shock therapy? I know he wanted to buy his own ultrasound machine at one point, maybe he just had them throw the shocks in for free?

I was looking as some pictures of you recently, and I’ve noticed that all the joy has seeped away from your face. I’ve also noticed that you’ve started to dress like my mom—if my mom was super rich. This unsettles me because I’m pretty sure we’re the same age. Read More »

We all know the saying…too much of a good thing can get you fat, sick, or even addicted. But when was the last time you heard that too much Bengay can get you killed?

Seventeen year-old Arielle Newman, a track star at Notre Dame Academy on Staten Island, died April 3rd from then unknown causes. Last Friday, a medical examiner announced that Newman’s death was due to an over-absorption of methyl salicylate, a chemical found in anti-inflammatory muscle creams.

“In addition to spreading the muscle cream on her legs between track meets, Newman was using adhesive pads containing the anti-inflammatory, plus an unspecified third product containing the chemical” said a spokeswoman for Newman’s medical examiner. The spokeswoman went on to say that the teen’s death was caused by absorption over time, not a single instance. Read More »