As your official Jersey Shore recapper for the summer, I wanted to bring you a taste of what’s to come. What those Top Chef people call an amuse-bouche, if you will, outlining the pros and cons of the encroaching season of the Jersey Shore. (ONLY ONE WEEK TO GO!)

Now, before you muss up your poof in sheer excitement and spill your Heineken all over your Ed Hardy shirt, let’s think about the pros and cons of this season. Will Season 2 even come close to living up to the shenanigans of Season 1?

Angelina
Pros: More poof-pulling, studded-shirt-tearing girl fights! Bring it on Kim Kardashian of Staten Island! We’re so ready to see J.Woww lay the smack down on her with Snooki cheering her on from the sidelines.

Cons: Why did they bring this crazyface back? Seriously? In my book, if you pack up your ish in a garbage bag and go back to your married boyfriend, you’re out. Did the producers at MTV hit their heads on the bar after too many shots and suffer amnesia and forgot all the buzz killing that Angelina brought to the house within a mere two episodes? Leave this girl where she belongs: off the shore and back in Staten Island getting her hoo-ha waxed. Like anyone wants to see that anyway.

Miami
Pros: Just Google the lyrics to Will Smith’s Miami. It really doesn’t need any more explanation. Miami rules.

Cons: Wait, really? Miami? I thought the show was called the Jersey Shore? If I wanted to watch a show about South Beach, MTV could’ve brought back that atrocious 8th and Ocean. Or I could just watch Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. Or I could just turn on ESPN, since they won’t shut up about the Miami Heat. Still bitter, Lebron. Still bitter.

The Fame
Pros: So now the JS kiddies are full fledged celebs- strutting their stuff on the red carpet and striking poses in Harper’s Bazaar. I’m hard pressed to think of anyone who doesn’t know what the Jersey Shore is. Could their celebrity status get them into better bars? Better clothes? Less oompa-loompa looking tans? So excited to see how hard Hollywood’s hit them!

Cons: Ugh, really? The whole reason we love the Jersey Shore is the raw, real side of it. Overscripted “reality shows” are so done (I’m looking at you, “The Hills” and “The City”) and it was refreshing to have a bunch of wild and crazy unknowns partying unpretentiously in Seaside. Now the JS gang has their egos inflated even bigger than they already were, partying like rock stars. That’s so not what I tuned in for last season. Just when I thought Sammi Sweetheart couldn’t be more of a b*tch…

The Prediction?: I foresee one more crazyface season of Jersey Shore this summer. Despite the crew’s newfound fame and return of the pointless “Princess of Staten Island” (Angelina), the previews have made me jump up and down with excitement. We’ll see what happens, and I’ll be here all summer to cover Jersey Shore’s every fist pump, hair pull and hook up.

Dear Katie,

Remember when you used to smile? I mean, really smile. Not that Tom-Gets-Mad-If-I-Don’t-Grin smile. Remember when you dressed your age and actually spoke?

Where did those days go? Has Tom done something to your brain? He hasn’t lobotomized you, has he? I wouldn’t put it past that guy to have a complete lobotomizing room in his basement. Has he given you shock therapy? I know he wanted to buy his own ultrasound machine at one point, maybe he just had them throw the shocks in for free?

I was looking as some pictures of you recently, and I’ve noticed that all the joy has seeped away from your face. I’ve also noticed that you’ve started to dress like my mom—if my mom was super rich. This unsettles me because I’m pretty sure we’re the same age.

You know, I was never your biggest fan (your cutesy act never really worked for me on Dawson’s Creek, and after that I couldn’t ever picture you as any other character), but I feel like it’s my duty as a female, as a woman who knows what it’s like to have dreams, to urge you to break free of the crazy bastard you married and run far, far away.

I bet he tells you you’re career will be ruined if you ever leave him. At night, while he sits by the fire thumbing through old Scientology textbooks and you’re waiting out those required ‘being a wife to Tom Cruise’ hours, I bet he tells you that leaving him would be useless. Much like a cartoon villain, he tries to suppress your desire to live. He may even sing a song about these evil mind games, a la Disney.

But I’m writing this to tell you that it’s not true! What you don’t know is that the country is rooting for you. Women everywhere are secretly horrified at what’s happened. We can’t imagine what it must be like to be linked for all eternity to a man who’s obviously gay and crazy, but so rich he can almost single-handedly keep a weird cult in mainstream religious society. It must be frightening, Katie.

Escaping can happen. Mexico. Australia. There are places. Honestly. I know a guy in the Mafia who can help you out. Call me. You don’t mind Staten Island, right?

Be strong, Katie. And always remember that a true husband never requires separate beds—or that you wear a basketball under your shirt to convince the world of the power of his sperm.

Seventeen year-old Arielle Newman, a track star at Notre Dame Academy on Staten Island, died April 3rd from then unknown causes. Last Friday, a medical examiner announced that Newman’s death was due to an over-absorption of methyl salicylate, a chemical found in anti-inflammatory muscle creams.

“In addition to spreading the muscle cream on her legs between track meets, Newman was using adhesive pads containing the anti-inflammatory, plus an unspecified third product containing the chemical” said a spokeswoman for Newman’s medical examiner. The spokeswoman went on to say that the teen’s death was caused by absorption over time, not a single instance.

While deaths from high levels of methyl salicylate are rare, they do happen. One of the main ways Newman could have allowed high levels of the chemical to soak into her skin was her use of the sports creams immediately after exercise, heat and vigorous activity allowing for a stronger absorption.

I guess the lesson here is to go easy on the chemical fix, and soothe those aching muscles manually. Either that, or don’t workout so strenuously that your muscles hurt in the first place.

Thanks to Bengay, lazy people all over the world just got another reason not to move.