None of these people are my friends and I now know they have a love for our favorite sparkley vampire

OK, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse here/lecture you like your dad, but that’s what I’m about to do. And you’re gonna like it.

Today’s lecture:

You have to be careful about what you’re putting online.

I know, I know – we’ve said it a bajillion times on CollegeCandy. And yeah, I know you’ve set your Facebook privacy settings and re-set them every time Zucks makes a change that leaves you more exposed than that time you thought you locked the bathroom door at the frat party and you got caught squatting with your lady bits out, but I have just learned that none of that matters. Thanks to some holes in Facebook security, it is possible for anyone (even if they’re one of those weird people who don’t have Facebook accounts…seriously, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!) to search for anyone’s status updates.

And someone set up a website to do just that.

I’m taking all status updates. From the just-for-my-fellow-drunken-BFFs “Just downed a bottle of tequila, dropped my cell in the toilet and now we’re going streaking” to the only-people-who-know-me-and-would-never-rob-me-can-see-this “Hitting up Mexico with the fam for 2 weeks! HOTNESS,” it’s all out there for everyone with an internet connection to see. Oh and don’t worry, you don’t even have to post the status – it brings up any status with your name in it, as well as showing all results for your name.

The site lets you search public Facebook updates using Facebook’s own search service. And if you’re logged in while using it, you get the added bonus of viewing the searchee’s full profile. Creeptastic? I’d say so.

With this new site, your status updates are now available for the entire planet to view now and for.e.ver (Sandlot style). Just think of how a future job, college or potential bank loan might be affected if they see some..ahem..not so flattering status updates.

Looks like my boy Markey Z isn’t so sweet after all.

But don’t start sending him hate mail just yet. I promise that this site wasn’t created with “ruining your professional life” in mind. It was actually made to make it easier for Facebook users to control and understand the privacy settings available to them. Kind of in a scaring you straight way, minus the scary prison and the possibility of getting shanked. The creators even came up with a new privacy proposal to help Markey Z make the right decisions! They also have this great idea of making all new accounts private by default. (Hey Mark, are you listening yet?) For right now though, that’s not really what people are using the site for…

So what is this site that’s exposing your personal life to the world?

Click here to see it.

God, I wish I didn't defriend the ex....

We’ve all been there.  You break up with your boyfriend, fight with your Bio lab partner, resent your freshman year roommate for getting a better internship than you.  In a booze-fueled rage you sit at your computer at 2am going through Facebook, wanting so badly to cut these people off altogether.  Why do you need to know that the old roomie is hanging out with Kanye?  Or that your ex already found a rebound girl and her boobs are really, really big?

Before you know it, you get caught up in the whirlwind that is FB’s newsfeed and suddenly you’re hating on people you haven’t seen in three years.  Sarah’s mom sends her care packages from Sephora?  Bitch!  Jamie is dating that hot TA?  You had your eye on him first and she knows it!  Your best friend is dating your little brother?  Gross and unacceptable!

In a flash, the floodgates have opened.  You’re going to defriend them all, that’s what you’re going to do!  With your mouse hovering above the delete button, you pause for a moment.  Sure, consciously getting rid of a Facebook friend is the modern day equivalent of sending someone to the guillotine.  Off with their heads and their damn status updates!  But while it might feel good in the moment to erase these people from your life account, it’s more than a little likely that you’ll come to regret your cutthroat ways.

In a few months you’ll probably be dating someone new and the hurt caused by your ex-BF’s fling with Pam Anderson will have subsided.  It was, after all, just a fling and apparently he ditched her via wall post.  Too bad you gave him the axe; you would have loved to read that one.  Not to mention your roommate got fired from her internship for enjoying an event’s open bar a little too much.  Talk about the funniest tagged photos you’ll never see.  Actually, it seems that whole unfriending spree really cut you out of the loop with everyone.

And what about the other cases of Iwannadeleteyou syndrome?  Like the people who you want to stalk keep up with but don’t want seeing your business, or the people who update their statuses every five minutes with the most obnoxious things you’ve ever read (but secretly love…making fun of)?  Quality over quantity seems like the mature answer- keep your actual friends, give everyone else the boot.  Yet again, no one wants to be the only person on Facebook with twenty friends and no one to gossip about.

Say you somehow got to that point, though, and are reading the same tiny group of people’s rarely updated pages.  Between yawning and yearning for new material, the thought of re-adding all your old friends occurs to you.  Forget the tedious process of looking up three hundred people who may or may not remember that you exist.  How awkward would it be to request friendship with all your past hook-ups, random drunk girls with whom you’ve had bathroom heart-to-hearts, and cute guys you sat behind in countless semesters of college?  You just can’t do it.

Facebook is tricky territory to navigate and often the decisions you make are irreversible.  In an online society where the only fate worse than actual death is social death, it’s a tough call when it comes to controlling your “friend” population.

So what do you do – delete now and suffer later? Or suffer now and indulge later?
It’s like Sophie’s Choice, 2.0. And it plagues us all.

When my friend first sent me this video, I thought it was just a bunch of Jersey Shore wannabes trying to make it big on the Interwebs at the expense of us ladies. But then I watched it (3 times) and couldn’t stop laughing. Even though it is totally making fun of us, it’s hilariously accurate. And just watching three juice heads with some serious brows acting like obnoxious Facebook updaters is funny. Really funny.

I guess next time I’m “HANGIN’ WITH THE BIFFS!!!!!!!!” I’ll choose not to display it via a Facebook status…

Oh Facebook, how did we get along before you?

You help us stalk our crushes in order to see their likes, and if there are any skanks in their photos they’re available.
You help us avoid people (you know, the ones who tell you where they are at all times in their statuses and you think to yourself, “damn, I really wanted to eat lunch there, too”).
You keep us sane while studying for exams (or at least, our attempting to study while browsing the news feed).

Facebook has become central to our lives and, much like Google, is not only a noun, but a verb as well.

But at times, like when we’re trying to maintain a relationship, Facebook isn’t that great. In fact, it’s yet another outlet for really awkward situations.

Stalking gone awry.
So you’re sitting in your room, stalking your crush whom you have barely said hello to, when all of a sudden it happens. Your computer freezes and you panic. You move your mouse around a little. Nothing moves. You click a few times, pound on the keyboard a bit. Oh wait. NO! You accidently clicked “like” on his status. Or worse, you friended him. And there’s no taking it back. Oh god.

Creepy Stalkers.
After a long day, you come back to your room and check your Facebook, hoping that there will be a witty comment on your wall to cheer you up, or a picture comment telling you how cute you are. You see a friend request (yay!). Wait, is that the kid who sits behind you? The creepy one who leans forward to stare down your shirt and breathes WAY too heavily? How does he know your name?! How did he find you?!

Quiz Results.
You know the ones. No one likes seeing that someone they know is “doggy style” or a “thong.” That’s just way too much information. Especially when it’s your T.A. At first, you let it go, but when you see the fourth quiz result for which sex position they are, you start to wonder if it’s time to block certain things (or people) from appearing on your news feed.

Break Up Announcements…and Reactions.
Break ups are difficult, and when the time comes to officially change your status on Facebook, break ups get awkward. There’s the simple fact that you have to deal with that little broken heart popping up in everyone’s news feed. And then you have to deal with those people who, instead of calling to see what happened, like to ask you for all the details via a Wall post. Even worse, there’s the reactions of your ex’s friends. You may think his suitemates liked you, until you see them “liking” the fact that Mr. Ex is now single. Bastards.

Parents.
Usually there is nothing more awkward than parents who have Facebook. They feel the need to like everyone’s status, send you annoying application requests, and ask embarrassing questions on your Wall. And if that’s not bad enough, my dad started becoming fans of different things. What started off as something innocent (“Dad became a fan of ESPN”) turned into one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. My father, a teacher, became a fan of morning sex. MORNING SEX. When I asked him about this he responded: “It’s true, I AM a fan of morning sex.” I will never look at him or my mom (ew) that same again.

So eff you Facebook, you double edged sword. You have caused so many awkward situations that I never would have had deal with if it wasn’t for how dang addicting you are.

I love you, Photo Tagger.

The writers over at The Ultimate Hatelist composed a list of the Top 10 Most Hated People on Facebook: The Constant Status Updater, Facebook Couples, People Who Post Little Pictures… Clearly, we agree with them. Those girls with the freakin’ peace-sign-and-pouty-lip pics (of course we never do that in pictures!) and the people who actually pay for Facebook gifts (you’re throwing away money on a birthday cupcake floating in cyberspace during economic times like this?!) should go back where they belong: MySpace.

But we got to thinking, and while there are those people who we want to punch right through the computer screen every time we load up our NewsFeed (read: every 4 minutes), there are also some that we truly love. Those who make our Facebook experience what it is. Those we can’t get enough of and know Facebook just wouldn’t be the same without.

The Comedian
I appreciate a witty saying every now and then, and when I sign on to Facebook to procrastinate I’d like to be greeted with a laugh, not some vague song lyric begging for attention/Facebook gifts. Which is why I love the comedian. He’s funny, he’s quick on his feet and he always has a funny status update or video posted for me to enjoy. This guy is a real pal, bringing a little happiness to hours of homework and studying.

The Girl Who Never Left Home
When you’re having one of those God awful weeks where you bombed a test, fought with your boyfriend and realized you have no idea what you want to do with your life, stalking this girl always makes you feel better. While everyone else left home only to return on holiday breaks, she’s still living in her parent’s basement, getting fat at the same deli you ate at for four years of off-campus lunch, and parties with the coolest of the cool…high school seniors. Seeing her life makes you feel a whole lot better about yours. It might be mean, but it’s true.

The Facebook Album Addict
You may not be close friends with her (and this character is always a her), but you know her well enough to end up in some of her many pictures from last night’s epic party. The same pictures she uploaded, tagged and captioned the moment she got home. At 3am. While you were out eating breadsticks. Not only do you not have to bring your camera out with you (and risk dropping it in a pitcher of beer….again), but all you have to do is log in to Facebook to see your entire college experience documented in photos instantaneously. Without the hassle of tagging yourself. What a gem.

Your Friend’s Parents
Your parents on Facebook? Annoying. Your friends’ parents on Facebook? Hilarious. You get to watch them post embarrassing comments on pictures of your friends doing keg stands (“Looks like you take after your father”) and all decked out in a little black dress (“Put some clothes on missy! Love, mom.”). And when they upload that pic of your friend squeezed between Grandma and Aunt Ruth at the family reunion? Priceless.

The Chronic Commenter
Why else do we write a status if not for other people to read it? And whether the status requires a response of laughter, consolation or congratulations, the chronic commenter always has your back. You never have to worry that your status will go unacknowledged and into the deep Status abyss; it will always be “liked” by at least one person, and sometimes, when we’re laughing to ourselves while posting it, that’s all were asking for.

The Party Girl
You thought you were fun but this girl is obviously the party queen and she has 400 albums to prove it. Maybe you think it’s annoying that she uploaded a million pictures, but I think scrolling though drunken party pics is a whole lot more entertaining than reading about Kant’s moral philosophy. So snap away, party girl, snap away. And if there are a couple pouty-face-peace-signs in there, I’ll let them go. I’m just grateful to have something to keep me from having to study.

That Bitch Who Stole Your Boyfriend
But only when that beautiful pink broken heart shows up in your NewsFeed accompanied by depressing song lyrics and vague statements about trust and pain and falling in love.

What other characters do you guys love on Facebook?

I don’t mean updating your status every 3 hours instead of every 30 minutes (addict), or finally getting even with your sister by posting up those New Year’s Eve pics of her passed out in her own puke (ew); I mean using Facebook for different purposes. So here we go.

Facebook resolution 1: De-Clutter your friend List.

Remember when you first joined facebook and you added everyone and anyone who added you just so that you could gloat to your friend that you had five more friends than her? Well, when the games stopped, what happened to all those random people that you added? Do you still talk to them? Have you ever talked to them? While having 200 friends verses 25 is cooler, if you don’t talk to half those people, it’s time to delete them. Do you really want that rando who friended you to know what you are doing at all times? Who knows what he’s doin’ with those pics you put up last week?!

Facebook resolution 2: Learn to use the privacy settings!

Because you really don’t want to have to deal with your conservative aunt who suddenly calls you asking “Since when where you an alcoholic and hookah smoker?” (Um, since 9th grade?) Even if your aunt/mom/dad doesn’t have a Facebook account, chances are they know someone’s daughter’s- friend’s- niece’s- cousin’s (you get the point) who has a huge mouth and grudge against you. So customize your photo albums so that only the people who you get drunk with (and a few others) see those specific pics.

Facebook resolution 3: Network.

You know, Facebook is useful for more than just stalking your boyfriends ex. It is the perfect place to reach out to the people you would never get in contact with otherwise. You may not think that the editor of that magazine you want to work for someday has a Facebook page, or that, even if they do, that they bother to check it, but some do. Add them as friends, and maybe write on their wall about how you would love to have an opportunity to work at their company. Don’t expect them to reply the same day; these are busy people. And they may not reply at all, but you never know. They may just end up sending you a message with instructions on how to apply. In the end, you have nothing to lose, so network, network, network!

Facebook resolution 4: Join a Cause or write a petition!

With the state of the world that we live in there are so many causes to get involved in. And FB is a great place to make them public. Between the Newsfeed and Status Updates, you could give your cause a ton of exposure and get more people involved.

Facebook resolution 5: Get over the new facebook already!

Yes, the new Facebook was a change and some of us resented it and complained, threatened Mark Zuckerberg, and joined those “If You hate the new FB, join this group” groups. Bottom line is: it’s not going back to the old Facebook. So let’s deal with it once and for all and move on! At least until they change it again.

Beyonce may have more super powers than we thought.

Imagine trying to find pants to fit the world’s longest legs!

Old men have become hot and sexy, according to Kate Winslet.

GM is pimping Barack Obama’s ride.

Tell your guy to hold out on that huge diamond purchase, they will be on sale soon!

Too lazy/exhausted of thinking of your status updates? Use this.

Peru wants to provide the presidential dog. It could be the ugliest dog alive.

Sarah Jessica Parker is the ultimate New Yorker.

Rock these looks for the Fall/Winter 2008.

Wax on, Wax off.

I write the following with the understanding that no matter how annoying Facebook can be, it will never be more annoying than Myspace. (Editor’s Note: I am not so sure…) And I will not stop using Facebook because of these things.

10. People You May Know. Otherwise known as “People that you don’t know well enough to be friends with”, “People who have rejected your friend request”, or “People you hate and would never friend even if their lives somehow depended on you friending them.” Facebook has been around long enough that if you haven’t found your friend yet, and he or she hasn’t found you, then you probably aren’t very good friends to begin with.

9. The Mini-Feed. Because you need constant reminder of the things you’ve recently done or said. Or applications you’ve added. Or songs you’ve listened to. Or things you’ve edited. The mini feed takes up like ¼ of your page (unless you are a dirty application whore: see below) and when you try to delete things, it keeps adding other things from days and weeks ago.

8. The Education and Work box. I say this is annoying, but it’s honestly the first thing I look at on someone else’s page. I do it because I am a masochist and I like to hurt myself by seeing how well these people that I hardly know are doing in places that I would love to move to.

7. Bikini profile pictures. Yes, you are young and skinny and attractive and you have great times at the beach with your girlfriends. I get it.

6. Picture-takers. One of my best friends is one of these people and has, last count, 60 photo albums on her page. 60! That’s not 60 pictures, 60 albums. And so, on any given day, there will be ten or twenty new pictures of her on my news feed. I love her to death, and I never tire of her face, but girlfriend has 1462 pictures on facebook. Seems a tad much.

5. People who spend too much time on facebook. And totally take over my news feed with twelve different, whiny status updates a day (“Douchebag Jones…is still in love with her.” “Douchebag Jones…wishes she knew how this feels”) and the copious addition of applications. Which leads me to…

4. People who update facebook with the minutiae of their lives. “Douchebag is sleeping”, “Douchebag is eating cheese” “Douchebag is playing World of Warcraft”. “Douchebag feels lonely”.

3. People who have way, way too many applications on their page. Applications make the page totally unreadable and impossible to navigate, not to mention totally obnoxious and boring. I propose a 5-application limit. Which leads me to…

2. Stupid g*ddamn applications. Flair, pin-up quizzes, movies, books, causes, werewolves, vampires, scrabulous, Entourage, super walls, heroes ability, which Sex and the City character are you?, lolcats, growing pets—all. too. much. And totally uninteresting to anyone that goes on your page. And honestly, do you keep up with them? My least favorite one is the compare people application, because there is always that one friend that is #1 in everything! Makes me feel like crap.

1. Application invites. They make me turn-into-the-hulk mad. I don’t want to be on your zombie army and I don’t care what stupid thing you have written on my fun wall. And if I wanted to see what superlative you nominated me for, I have to download the whole effing application to do so. And then the application tricks you into sending invites to everyone on your friends list who, if they are anything like me, will resent you for it. And I’ve yet to find the “turn off all application invites” option if such a thing exists.

Getting that off my chest should make me feel better, but I find myself so. tense. Maybe one of my friends will send me a FB drink to make me feel better….