Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

How does Taylor Swift have so many boyfriends??

Um, 30 Rock  is ending next season

Have you ever skinny dipped?

16 female behaviors even we don’t understand

My STD led to my breakup

Cute animals that happen to look like Justin Bieber

Check out America’s contraception in a can

Is Angie adding a 7th kid?!

Ryan Gosling shirtless? Yes please.

Would you take nude pregnancy shots

There are a lot of decisions to be made in a long-term relationship — whose friends to hang out with more often, if and when to cohabit, whose place to crash at more often, and what you’d both like the future to look like. Once sex enters the relationship – whether if it’s on the first date or on the first night of marriage, there comes a whole new set of decisions to make.

For most couples, I think it’s fair to say that the go-to contraceptive plan usually involves condoms and some form of birth control (we were always told that two methods are better than one). Once that decision has been made and acted upon, the following months of getting-to-know-each other getting it on are usually passion-filled and use enough latex to make David Suzuki’s earth-loving head explode.

But regardless of what we’ve been taught, and regardless of how much we know we should be using condoms every single time no matter what, there does typically come a time in which the “should we go bareback” conversation will inevitably arise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of safe sex, and I would never suggest going condomless outside of an LTR or without a backup form of birth control, but let’s be real here – it feels better and it’s just so much more convenient.

Yeah, I went there.

That said, there are some major issues to think about before you can even consider ditching the ‘domers.

Condoms are the only thing that protect against STIs. If you’re seriously considering removing condoms from your sex life (or at the very least, not making them an every-single-time necessity), you and your partner should consider being screened for any detectable infections. Yeah, that’s right, the detectable ones. Not all STIs can be screened for. Herpes, for example, can only be detected during an outbreak, and many other infections show no symptoms. Going condomless is a risk, and before doing so you need to seriously consider the repercussions.

Birth control, birth control, birth control. Unless you are hoping to start a family, going without a condom and not using another form of BC shouldn’t be an option. Acquire a form of birth control you feel comfortable with and can reliably take when you’re supposed to. Remember, taking that pill at the same time every day can be the difference between a pregnancy and a fetus-free uterus. Women’s Health has a great page that details the success/failure rates of different forms of birth control, which is a great place to start if you’re looking for a contraceptive that’s right for you.

Plan ahead. Even if you take your pill every day, or pull out right on time, or hell, even if you’re still using condoms, sometimes accidents happen. And by accidents I mean pregnancy. I think having sex with anyone needs to be prefaced with the conversation of what would be done if such an accident were to happen – and when you completely remove the semen-vagina barrier, that conversation becomes even more crucial. Are you and your partner on the same page as to what would happen in the case of an unplanned pregnancy? Do you know where to go to procure an abortion, or who to talk to about adoption? What would your life look like if you had a child now? All important things to figure out.

Like any other risky behavior, there’s a way to go about condom-free sex in a responsible way. It’s a personal choice, since the consequences are going to have to be dealt with by you and your partner. But what do you think — is going condomless worth it?

Question for La Tuff? Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in this column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

The last two years have been a whirlwind for me. I was really overweight pretty much all throughout high school and was really shy/awkward towards anyone who I didn’t know very well. A year after I graduated high school, I decided to start losing weight and since then have lost nearly sixty pounds. I still have a little weight to lose, but this new body of mine has definitely caused me to feel more comfortable with myself, and the male attention has increased drastically. I didn’t date in high school because I felt so bad about how I looked, and only until this year did I start going on dates. Since then, I have dabbled in oral sex with a few different men I knew casually but I never get off from receiving it. Actually, it has never felt good receiving, but I still continue to do it in hopes of that changing. I never went all the way with any of these guys, partly because I am not still not 100% okay with how I look yet and I would silently freak out and back off. I am turning 20 in August and did not want to be a virgin when my teen years came to an end.

So, after not being able to go through it with any of the men I had gone down on, I decided to take action and find a random guy I would never have to see again on Craigslist. Well, I found the right man, we talked for about a week, and we met up, hung out and had sex. That’s where the next part, and my problem, comes in. It didn’t hurt at all, but it didn’t feel good either. I could feel him but there was no pleasure. I saw him again a few days later and nothing, even though I’m highly attracted to him not just physically but I felt mentally as well from what I did know about him. I even suggested he take off the condom the second time we were together thinking maybe that was the problem, but nothing! That was nearly six weeks ago, and I have since slept with two other guys who have approached me and it is the same thing. I am attracted to them and I like going down on them, but I have yet to receive any pleasure when it comes to receiving oral and intercourse. I feel hopeless. I was not expecting fireworks or anything, but no pleasure from any of these encounters is leaving me frustrated and insecure. Is there something wrong with me? I finally have had sex and it is such a major let down.

Can’t Enjoy Sex

P.S. I forgot to mention that I have had orgasms before, plenty actually, with the help of a vibrator. I started using one more than a year ago and was (obviously) still a virgin at the time. I know that I may have to take a break from it since I am probably used to the strong vibrations to get me off, and that could be a part of the problem, but I still don’t know why I can’t at least feel some sort of pleasure from oral and/or intercourse.

Dear Can’t Enjoy Sex,

WHAT THE FLOOP ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!!

Seriously, I just about had a heart attack reading your stupid, foolish letter. Gurgling sounds rose in my throat. Or perhaps that was the vomit.

Look. You can’t just go around meeting strangers on the internet to have sex with. And you CERTAINLY can’t be having sex with random strangers and taking off the condom. You also should not be having unprotected oral sex. Okay? I’m serious here. You march your tushy to your OB/GYN (or to Planned Parenthood) RIGHT NOW and get tested. You can get all kinds of nasties this way.

DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX!!!!!!!! You are opening yourself up to disease, and you are opening future partners up to disease too. I swear to Gaga. CONDOMS ALWAYS!!!

And, for real, picking up random strangers to have sex with is really, really foolish. You don’t know these guys. You could be raped, or killed. It is really, really dangerous. Please don’t do it. Herpes is almost the BEST case scenerio.

Okay, but let’s deal with your actual question now, which is neither stupid nor foolish. You are worried about not being able feel pleasure during sex. And, girl, you deserve to be feeling pleasure during sex. Pre-babies, that’s the whole point.

There’s probably nothing wrong with you. It usually takes several gos for sex to start feeling good. And in terms of oral–well, a lot of guys suck at oral (no pun intended). You just haven’t found someone who knows how to make you, the sexual person YOU, feel good.

And that’s really probably at the root of all this. Girl, one-night stands are fine (IF YOU USE PROTECTION). But for someone to know you and what feels good to you, and even what turns you on, you’d be much better off finding someone you connect with on a more personal and intimate level. It doesn’t have to be the guy you’re gonna marry. But a guy that you’d like to keep seeing–well, that might really help. That’s the guy who will be willing to find out what sex stuff works for YOU. Those are the kind of guys you should be sleeping with.

Of course, that said, if you continue to find that sex is uncomfortable or just never ever good at all, it couldn’t hurt to get checked out by a gynecologist, just to make sure everything is running smoothly. Especially since you WILL be going there anyway to get checked for STDs.

More importantly, you gotta ask yourself–why are you being so reckless with your body? You are literally putting yourself in harm’s way by being with random guys and having unprotected oral and intercourse. I suspect it’s because, as you yourself said, you’re still feeling bad about your body. But you worked so hard to lose all that weight! Don’t squander it on some random guys who may leave you hurt or diseased. Save that good body for the guys who are worth it. And, more importantly, respect yourself and not just your body but your heart and mind.

Seriously, please be more careful with yourself. Aunt Tuffy’s over here having conniptions.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Guy: “I have a goldfish.”
Girl: “….. What?”
Guy: “I thought we were talking about things that don’t matter.”

There’s nothing that says I’m a creeper more than a terrible pick-up line comparing your eyes to the Pacific ocean (or the Gulf of Mexico, eeks). Maybe the only way to fix this creeper catastrophe is to take the bull by the horns…. and hope it doesn’t blow up in your face.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes a creeper manages to slide under your radar and you actually end up dating for a few months. Long enough that you are at a gift-exchanging stage. You spend weeks looking for a perfect gift, scouting out tickets on StubHub, hoping all of your hard work will be rewarded with THE blue box. Nope. Instead you get a Build-a-Bear (hello junior high) or something equally as inappropriate.

Or worse, this happens.

Yeah. If all this isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t pick up dudes at the bar, I don’t know what is.

Careful friend, he's got herpes.

…Or at least that’s what CNN is saying in a recent article entitled “The Downside of ‘Friends With Benefits.’” If reading about FWBs on CNN isn’t disturbing enough, perhaps this will make you WTF:

“When Jennifer Nicholas sees television shows or movies where characters “hook up” or have sex with “friends with benefits,” she cringes, because that’s how she got herpes.”

Seems to me like Ms. Jennifer is just hanging out with the wrong crowd.

I agree there are many downsides to the FWB – awkward mornings, awkward silences, generally awkward encounters – but I’m fairly certain there is no direct relation between drunkenly doin’ it with your former BFF and needing a prescription for Valtrex.

Poor Jennifer, though. Girlfriend needs some new friends.

Q: I am 23-years-old and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I got the Gardasil shot last year and my paps have been fine until I got my last Gardasil shot. The doctor told me my pap was abnormal a couple months after my 3rd shot. Was the shot what caused the adnormal pap? The other doctor took a look and did not find anything so she did not do a biospy.

I went back 8 months later and she found a small wart and removed it. I do not know what to do or how to feel? Should I worry now that I have HPV? Should I stop having sex? My boyfriend has not had any problem and I heard that they can not be tested anyway. What can I do to prevent getting warts? Sorry to ask, but we have been having oral sex as well does that mean we both have it in our mouth? I just do not understand what I did wrong. I have been on birth control as well. PLEASE HELP… I only been having sex with one person for 6 years but I feel so helpless.

A: I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with an abnormal Pap smear and HPV. But believe me- you’re not alone. Up to 80% of us will contract HPV at some point in our life, and HPV vaccination isn’t perfect. Gardasil only guards against the four most common strains of HPV, but there are many more.

No, the vaccine didn’t give you HPV or cause your abnormal Pap smear. It doesn’t work that way. It may simply have been given too late.  You may have contracted HPV before you received the full series of vaccinations and the virus is just wreaking havoc now. There’s no way to know whether you already had HPV or whether you just caught it, but it’s a strain the vaccine doesn’t cover.

As for how you feel, feel whatever it is you genuinely feel. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re one of many who deals with this every day. But I certainly understand if you feel embarrassed, ashamed, betrayed, or bummed out.  Contracting a sexually transmitted infection has a way of making you feel about two inches tall. (I know. I caught HPV too. It can happen to anyone.)

Should you stop having sex? That’s a personal decision. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend gave you the HPV in the first place since you’ve only had sex with one person. When I was diagnosed with an abnormal Pap smear for the first time and told the guy who is now my husband, he said, “That’s so weird! All of my girlfriends have had abnormal Pap smear.” Duh, dude. It’s you! So your guy probably already has it and most likely gave it to you.

You certainly should tell him about your diagnosis. And condoms can help protect you from transmitting it if you wind up in future relationships. But even condoms aren’t perfect, since infectious vulvar skin can still touch exposed scrotal or perineal skin, putting you at risk. To some degree, you just have to do the best you can and surrender the rest to the Universe.

Can it cause oral warts? Yes. Very rarely, HPV can cause warts on the larynx, but these are extremely uncommon.

Remember, you did nothing wrong, sweetie. You got the vaccination, have been careful to select a partner, and care enough to ask these questions. You should be proud of yourself for being so aware, so conscientious, and so health-conscious. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I understand that you feel helpless, but I know you’re going to be okay.

Find out more about HPV here.

Wishing you peace and health,
Dr. Lissa

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, like our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like post-sex soreness – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I found out that I have HPV. So, having sex with my boyfriend, does that mean he has HPV too? And if either of us perform oral sex – can the warts then be transferred to our mouths? Will this lead to cancer? On the paper I got back from the doctor it said to come back in 12 months for another pap smear; will it get worse by then? I’m nervous.

A: HPV can be a sneaky bastard. Unlike sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhea and chlamydia, HPV can hang around, unexpressed and asymptomatic, then suddenly rear its ugly head with little warning. Chances are that your partner also has HPV. In fact, chances are good that your boyfriend gave it to you. But it’s possible you could have contracted it from a prior partner and that he doesn’t have it. No way to know for certain, so the best strategy is to behave as if he doesn’t have it, just to protect him.

It’s unclear to me whether you have warts already or whether your HPV just came up on a pap smear. If it’s just a pap smear, chances are good that you carry the type of HPV that causes abnormal paps and cervical cancer, but not genital warts. The good news about this for your partner is that these strains of HPV tend to cause nothing in guys (which is why guys are passing it around like candy. They don’t even know they have it).

If you do have warts, you’ll want to be a bit more careful.  While condoms can help reduce the chance of transmitting warts, they can’t protect you completely. Because the condom only covers the shaft of the penis, it leaves vulnerable scrotal skin in contact with potentially infections coochie skin, so it’s important for him to realize that he may still wind up with warts.

As for oral sex, yes, laryngeal warts (warts in the larynx) have been reported. But they’re very rare. HPV tends to prefer the genitals and the anal area, so oral sex is relatively safe. If you want to be uber careful, you can use a dental dam to protect your boyfriend when he’s going down on you, and if you’re worried, have him wear a condom. (I know, it’s not sexy, but it is safe).

If your doc told you to wait a year to repeat your pap smear, I would wait a year. While abnormalities on paps can get worse, they change very slowly, and as long as you don’t miss a pap, you should be fine. Most of all, though, don’t worry. HPV is more of a nuisance than a life-threatening disease, as long as you listen to what your doctor recommends. I know it can be scary and embarrassing, but I commend you for trying to get the information straight. Take a deep breath. Now, let go of any anger, frustration, or shame you feel around this. And let it go. Stressing about HPV only makes it worse. You’ll be fine, sweetie.

For more about HPV, visit my website Owning Pink

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the getting over your fear of sex– so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I recently started hooking up with a boy who has, well, gotten around. I asked him if he’d been tested recently and he said he did (and he was “all good!”), but I don’t know if I trust him. Maybe he’s just saying that to get in my pants? I obviously plan on using a condom when I sleep with him, but are there any things I can look for before I go down that path?  Any visible signs I should pay attention to so I know if he’s telling me the truth or not?

A: Honey, if you can’t trust the guy, do you really want to sleep with him? I mean- yeah, there are some things you can do to check him out, but it’s not necessarily enough to protect you.  Make sure you care enough about this guy that, if you do get a sexually transmitted infection, it’s not the end of your world. Because the truth is- even if he got tested for “everything,” you may still be at risk.

Why? Because condoms don’t protect you against all STI’s, and testing doesn’t always test for everything. Most testing will not reveal whether a guy carries HPV, and often, it will not represent whether he might be infectious for herpes.

So what’s a girl to do? Here are a few tips:

1. Ask your partner to be honest about whether he has really been tested. Explain that you value the health of both of you, and that if he cares about you, he needs to demonstrate this. Ask for a copy of his test results if you can’t trust him but want to sleep with him anyway. Offer him a copy of yours first. Then inspect him.
2. Look for cauliflowery warts on and around his penis.
3. Inspect the tip of the penis for funky discharge (anything greenish or yellowish) that may represent gonorrhea or chlamydia. (Wetness in this region should always be clear).
4. Hunt for reddish ulcerations that might represent genital herpes.
5. Check for little round bumps that can represent molluscum contagiosum.
6. Take a gander at his pubic hair to make sure there are no pubic lice or little white eggs.

Remember, a clean inspection doesn’t mean you’re good to go. Most sexually transmitted infections have absolutely no signs on a clinical exam. Which is why it all comes down to trust. At the end of the day, do you really want to hook up with someone you can’t believe?

Hope that helps!

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

I’ve also heard girls talk about how peeing after sex could prevent STDs and pregnancy. I’m less than convinced, but could there be some truth in it? Does urine have some secret healing powers? I decided to investigate the idea of peeing after to sex to see if it really does anything…or if we’re all missing out on quality cuddles for nothing.

Most research finds that peeing after sex may reduce the possibility of contracting a Urinary Tract Infection. Peeing after sex can prevent UTIs because “it can help remove unwanted organisms from the urethra, which may reduce the risk of urethral infections.” While it’s not a guarantee, what do I really have to lose by running to the bathroom naked to clean out my urethra? I’m not a fan of any unwanted organisms in my lady-parts, so if peeing after sex will flush them out, I’m game.

So if pee can rid me of that evil bacteria, can it do the same for sperm?

No. Peeing after sex does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. I repeat: it does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. Sexetc.com explains: “The semen and penis go into the vagina and the urine comes out the urethra, which is a different opening. So, while urinating after sex might empty the bladder, it has no effect on where the sperm are inside the vagina.” It seems obvious because it is. Anyone who tells you differently is just trying to sneak by without using a condom.

For STD and pregnancy protection, condoms are ALWAYS you’re best bet. Std411.com says: “STDs cannot be flushed or washed away, so peeing and washing will not prevent a bacterial or viral STD and nor will they cause a STD to go away.”

Let’s be honest, people; if pee pee could prevent STDs, wouldn’t people have figured that out a long time ago?

So let’s break it all down:
Peeing to prevent UTIs = truth.
Peeing to prevent you from being a mom with an STD = big, fat false.

If you’re going to have sex and you want it to be the safest/cleanest/baby free-est it can be, use a condom, pee when you’re done, wash those hands, then hop back under the covers for a much-needed and much-coveted snuggle sesh.