Stuff you should not bring to the dorms.

1 – Your $20,000 stereo system.

Yes, I know its got ‘mad subs’ and is both bangin’ and bumpin’ but here’s the reality of the situation. We hate your music. I don’t care who you are and how diverse your tastes are, there are people who hate what you listen to and don’t want to hear it. Additionally, even if your musical taste is somehow Christ-like in its openness, there are times where people don’t want to hear music of any type, and these times may not coincide with your own. Your giant stereo shares noise with all ears, everywhere, and that isn’t necessary. Learn to use headphones and leave you’re cribs-esque sh*t at home.

2 – Frivolous Kitchen Stuff

Here are the following items I have personally seen people bring that have pissed other people off: a popcorn maker, a cotton candy machine, a full sized wok, a 12 speed blender…the list goes on. Do not bring kitchen sh*t you have either no intention of using or have no idea how to operate. The popcorn and cotton candy guy buzz killed every party, the Wok guy set fire to our paper towels, and the 12 speed blender kid supplied samples for everyone at a high velocity. Also, you are a freshman and you are godd*mn filthy. You never clean your sh*t, and the more sh*t you have, the less clean you are overall. Something else to consider: as soon as people get drunk this stuff is getting abused. The wok was used as a sled. Which was cool, but broken now.

3 – Your drum kit

But bro, I want to jam with my mans and them! Every time I see someone unloading a drum kit on move-in day I simultaneously create a scenario where their roommates try to kill them using snakes. If you bring your drum kit to the dorms, you are that kid that everyone hates. The dorms are not your apartment, they are where people sleep and study. Every music college ever has practice rooms with drum sets and no one at a non-music college needs a drum kit. If you bring a set with you but don’t practice in the dorms, fine, whatever. If you have a sweet electronic drum kit with headphones, awesome. If you have a bitchin’ jazz fusion kit that totally surrounds you, that is so cool and I bet your band is sweet but setting that sh*t up in a forced triple is a complete mistake. You will regret it.

4 – Exercise Equipment

Exerbike, treadmill, bowflex, etc. There are noisy and absurd and when I saw my roommate loading one in I rubbed my eyes in complete disbelief. Here is the solution to the problems I’m sure these people are having about getting this stuff up the stairs or in the car. It’s called a gym. Your school has one. Or, join the YMCA. It’s cheap and mostly clean. Also, like cooking sh*t, exercise equipment and drunkenness is a recipe for disaster, as anyone who has tried to see how fast exactly a treadmill can go will tell you.

It’s a time for lists, and packing, shopping, lists, and laundry, and did I mention lists?

Not only do you have to worry about transporting your enormous shoe collection (“I swear I’ll wear those grey pumps this year. I need them! They were on sale!”), but you’ve also got to fumble around with a bedspread, desk supplies, towels, food, microwaves, laptops, all of it. Your whole life and being.

It’s a bit stressful.

Luckily we here at CC have taken the time aside to compile a list of ten things you most definitely should not forget:

1. Digital camera. Trust us, there will be many a worthy photo op, (though I suppose a four story beer funnel doesn’t really qualify as a thoughtful Kodak moment) and who doesn’t enjoy a trip down memory lane later on? Besides, what else will you show your grandchildren? (“…and this is granny doing a kegstand…and this is granny dancing on the bar…oh yes! There’s grams kissing a nice boy…what? No, no…not grandpa…”)

2. Lots of spare change. You’ll be surprised how much laundry you’ll have, namely your sheets. It used to be a Sunday morning tradition during the school year, for a guy friend down the hall (who gained a beaming record as drunken bed-wetter) to enter our room collecting spare quarters. We coined it, “the piss stain fund.”In case you’re unconvinced, (those of us who manage to control our bodily functions most likely), my sister will tell you different.

In the trusting world of dorm life, a pair of her friends kept their door unlocked as they drifted off to sleep one Saturday night. Later, one of the girls was rudely awoken by a drunken boy who’d mistaken her bed for his own, and climbed in with her! This same boy then proceeded to poop in her bed. Yes, I said poop, and no, this is not an urban legend. It is fact. He was called ‘the shitter’ for the rest of the year, until he desperately transferred universities to escape his horrifying reputation. The moral of the story: when laundry duty calls, don’t find your piggy bank empty.

3. Your freedom. In the word of college this indavertently means…your boyfriend. I’m all for making a relationship work if you’re both really in it for the right reasons, but in all honesty? I’d say about ninety percent of my friends who began college with a significant other had dropped them by Valentine’s Day. It’s college, i.e. practically an antonym for monogamy. I’ve seen guy friends cheat on the girls they’re seemingly in love with left and right, and I don’t know what it is.

It could be blamed on being young and immature, it could just be the booze (though I’d never deem that a worthy excuse), but whatever it is, college really is a cesspool of extreme temptation (be it that 2 AM calzone you’re considering ordering or that cute boy down the hall that you’re sure delivers). We at CC would just hate to see you miss out on a fun and crazy social experience all in the name of l-u-s-t. Not worth it.

4. A boomin’ sound system. Yeah yeah, you have that dorm noise policy or whatever. Blasting JT & Fiddy at 9 pm though while you’re mid-pregame and makeup regimen could not get you or your roommate more pumped for the night. College deserves its own soundtrack, arguably the best mix ever.

5. Beer bong. Preferably this one, so you don’t have to run past your RA’s room with a large neon green funnel. Another brilliant option would be this genius shotgun contraption, for those of us who share the same love for pounding brew, but with a more pronounced gag reflex. Whatever gets the job done!

6. Deck of cards. Drinking games: the best way to procrastinate on a Monday night.

7. Red Bull in bulk. Besides the whole calories, bad for you shpeel (whatevs) it’s the best chaser and Godsent on a hungover Thursday morning. Skipping too many classes will ultimately bite you in the butt.

8. Multiple alarm clocks. One friend’s didn’t go off on the morning of her whopper final exam. She showed up twenty minutes late, sweaty, with her pants on backwards and inside out. The door was at the front of the lecture hall. She will never be the same.

9. Video Chat. On an Apple computer or via webcam, it’s the best way to keep in touch with high school friends who opted for different universities. Even to keep in touch with mom! (“Hi Mom, this is my roooom, and this is my handle of vodkaaaa…”)

10. Dare. Confused? When someone asks you truth or dare, be the type of person to pick dare. The most important thing to remember in college is social willingness, to be friendly, and open to meeting new people. Take chances, brave risks, dare. If that bellydancing club looks cool to you, join it. Sit next to the cute boy in your Astronomy class, and gasp, ask him if you can borrow his pencil. These little things are going to pay off, and you’re going to be happy you put yourself out there.

Now go party for goodness sake! You’re in college!