Dear TLC,

I realize you’re attached to your name. TLC stands for the ‘The Learning Channel’ and you take a certain amount of pride in the fact that you’re really trying to teach your viewers something about the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from you guys.

For example ‘What Not To Wear‘ taught me exactly why people looked at me funny when I rocked my red-tee-tucked-into-my-red-sweatpants look for two years. You helped me get out of that phase and I appreciate you for that. Additionally, all your programming about sex that involves heavy use of x-ray footage of coitus allowed me to realize just how disgusting human anatomy can be and gave me a bunch of great facts to drop at the bar.

But let’s be real for a minute. There’s someone working for your organization who isn’t doing his job. You know who I’m talking about. Steve, the guy who’s been naming all your documentaries. He’s phoning that sh*t in and you know it. Now, I know he’s your wife’s cousin and he’s going through a rough patch right now, but it’s time to cut that guy loose.

I can imagine your meetings now:

TLC Managing Director of Content : Alright Steve, we’ve got a piece about a guy who does steroids and has a terrible addiction to them and his arms explode. Need something edgy. Something to really grab that audience.

Steve: THE MAN WHO’S ARMS EXPLODED. Read More »

My roommate is scared shitless by Carrot Top.

She won’t look at pictures of him, runs from the room if he happens to come on TV, and refuses to even say his name.

She won’t explain her fear, just whisperes that “him and a ventriloquist doll are two the scariest things you could ever see at the foot of your bed in the middle of the night.”

While my phobia is not as rampart as hers, I completely understand the fear.

The dude was weird looking even before he started on the ‘roids, but now that he’s jacked, he barely resembles a human.

Something is seriously wrong with his face, but it’s hard to tell what.

Did he get weird plastic surgery? Did the steroids melt his features a little?

Is he transitioning into a giant, muscular woman?

I hear he’s big in Vegas, which can only mean one of two things; A) people who are drunk and have lost all their money to slot machines go see him in an attempt to put themselves out of their misery, or B) they like freaks. Read More »