I met him my first night of college. Although not the fairytale every girl imagines, we hit it off in the basement of a fraternity house. It was a passionate, whirlwind love affair that lasted about a month. Long story short, we don’t speak any more. I took it as a learning experience about relationships and the healing process was not easy.

It was an early morning over winter break when I got the call from my gynecologist. I was expecting the phone call and was prepared for her to tell me that I was perfectly normal and she’ll see me in a year for a checkup. She was reading through the list of diseases saying they all came back negative, until she said, “But, your HPV test came back positive. You have what’s called high risk HPV.” I couldn’t think of anything other than getting out of hearing range of everybody in the house. So, I ran into the kitchen and asked, “What do I do now?” She seemed so calm about the whole situation and just insisted that I make sure to come back in three months for a follow-up appointment, and to call her if I had any questions.

As I hung up the phone my whole first semester flashed through my mind. My birthday, Halloween, my best friends’ birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas… I had this disease the entire time. The girl down the hall had supposedly reached the double digit mark for people she had slept with, and I had only been with one person the whole semester. I kept thinking, “Why me?”  But, I already knew the answer. The girl down the hall probably used a condom every time. I remembered all those times when I brushed off the need for a condom because I was on birth control. An 18-year-old would never be able to get an STD, I told myself, especially when she only chooses to have sex with the “good” guys. But, it happened and I realized that I was not invincible, like I thought I was.

There are a lot of decisions to be made in a long-term relationship — whose friends to hang out with more often, if and when to cohabit, whose place to crash at more often, and what you’d both like the future to look like. Once sex enters the relationship – whether if it’s on the first date or on the first night of marriage, there comes a whole new set of decisions to make.

For most couples, I think it’s fair to say that the go-to contraceptive plan usually involves condoms and some form of birth control (we were always told that two methods are better than one). Once that decision has been made and acted upon, the following months of getting-to-know-each other getting it on are usually passion-filled and use enough latex to make David Suzuki’s earth-loving head explode.

But regardless of what we’ve been taught, and regardless of how much we know we should be using condoms every single time no matter what, there does typically come a time in which the “should we go bareback” conversation will inevitably arise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of safe sex, and I would never suggest going condomless outside of an LTR or without a backup form of birth control, but let’s be real here – it feels better and it’s just so much more convenient.

Yeah, I went there.

That said, there are some major issues to think about before you can even consider ditching the ‘domers.

Condoms are the only thing that protect against STIs. If you’re seriously considering removing condoms from your sex life (or at the very least, not making them an every-single-time necessity), you and your partner should consider being screened for any detectable infections. Yeah, that’s right, the detectable ones. Not all STIs can be screened for. Herpes, for example, can only be detected during an outbreak, and many other infections show no symptoms. Going condomless is a risk, and before doing so you need to seriously consider the repercussions.

Birth control, birth control, birth control. Unless you are hoping to start a family, going without a condom and not using another form of BC shouldn’t be an option. Acquire a form of birth control you feel comfortable with and can reliably take when you’re supposed to. Remember, taking that pill at the same time every day can be the difference between a pregnancy and a fetus-free uterus. Women’s Health has a great page that details the success/failure rates of different forms of birth control, which is a great place to start if you’re looking for a contraceptive that’s right for you.

Plan ahead. Even if you take your pill every day, or pull out right on time, or hell, even if you’re still using condoms, sometimes accidents happen. And by accidents I mean pregnancy. I think having sex with anyone needs to be prefaced with the conversation of what would be done if such an accident were to happen – and when you completely remove the semen-vagina barrier, that conversation becomes even more crucial. Are you and your partner on the same page as to what would happen in the case of an unplanned pregnancy? Do you know where to go to procure an abortion, or who to talk to about adoption? What would your life look like if you had a child now? All important things to figure out.

Like any other risky behavior, there’s a way to go about condom-free sex in a responsible way. It’s a personal choice, since the consequences are going to have to be dealt with by you and your partner. But what do you think — is going condomless worth it?

Rubbing her eyes the following morning, she was greeted by a lightly snoring Derek at her side. Crap, she thought, Colin is going to be so pissed.

Disheveled, Sarah grabbed her scattered clothes and headed to the bathroom to put herself together before enduring the never pleasant walk of shame.

“Ohmigodd!” she practically shouted. Her neck was as thick as her head and her eyelids so swollen she might as well have just lost in the ring against Mike Tyson. Splashing some cold water on her face, Sarah ignored the absolute atrocity that was her appearance and briskly walked back to her house.

Loading up on DayQuill, NyQuill, and hot tea galore, she spent the day nursing her moral and physical hangover — as well as her cold. Hours later, still feeling lousy, Sarah went to the student health center and got a strep and a blood test. The result: She had mono.

Rather than worrying about the state of her body, or (more importantly) her liver, she immediately worried about her hookups. She had both Colin and Derek on a cycle, wasn’t serious with either of them, but had swapped enough saliva with both to infect their bodies with the pesky virus she now endured.

Do I tell them? she pondered, Or just risk it and hope they both get lucky?

This scenario is all too common in college. I think it’s more uncommon to not get mono during your four years at university than to get it. However, what happens when your condition is even more serious? What if you find out you have HPV, Herpes, Chlamydia, or some other STD? Do you tell your current partner (and previous ones), or do you keep the secret to yourself and hope no one finds out?

This ethical dilemma is a scary but extremely realistic issue. According to a 2007 Stanford research study, 1 in 4 college students has an STD. A lot of the young adults are completely unaware they are even spreading a disease because they have never gotten tested. In order protect your partner, you need to actually know you’re infected. If you’re worried about your current state of cleanliness, head to your student health center, campus hospital, or STD testing site.

This conversation, however, is focused on those who have peed in that cup, gotten pricked with that needle (no pun intended), and received extremely undesirable results.

Morally, it’s important to tell your partner about any contagious little packages you may be carrying, from mono to HIV. In order to make sure your partner is protected, you need to wise up and take responsibility for your condition. Doing this is mortifying and difficult, but necessary. If you are in the know and can prevent the spread of a virus or bacterial infection, you should. You would want your partner to tell you, right?

So, we all know there’s a right way to handle the situation. If you’re infected, man up, tell your partner(s), and grab the nearest box of condoms. Ethically, if you know, you tell. If you don’t want to tell future partners, then you probably shouldn’t be in bed with them to begin with. But, as evidenced by the statistics, a lot of people are keeping their dirty little secrets to themselves mentally… and spreading them all around physically.

Even though Sarah only had mono, she proceeded to text each of the boys letting them know about her illness. They each went and got tested, came out of the entire situation mono-free, and were extremely grateful she told them about her virus. Yes, it was not the most pleasant experience for any of the parties involved. Rather, it was awkward and uncomfortable. But, it was a necessary precaution they all needed to take in order to ensure their well-being.

So, how would you handle this situation: Do you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, or do you share all of your down-below info before getting serious with a special friend? And if you have had to tell previous partners (including old flames, casual hook ups and – eep! – bitter ex-boyfriends), how did you do it?

I realize that most of us don’t live at home anymore; that most of us are no longer in high school or living with parents. But I stumbled upon this study recently and can’t stop thinking about it. In a nutshell (because I know the last thing you came here to do was peruse some scientific study), Dutch parents support their teenagers’ sexuality – even letting them have sleepovers – and it results in lower STI and lower teen pregnancy rates. Some of the lowest in the world!

Perhaps the Dutch are onto something – something we need to think about as a generation who will, most likely, have children of our own someday.

Having survived high school, it’s interesting to look back and see how different my friends’ parents were from each other and from mine. Some friends had absolutely no communication with their parents about sex or sexuality, some were taught it was wrong and immoral, others that it was natural and acceptable – so long as you’re smart about it.

I’m grateful that my parents were of the “have sex but be smart” belief system. As mentioned in a previous post, my mom allowed my high school boyfriend to stay over at our house, and was well aware that we were having sex. That said, she was also on top of making sure we were being responsible – by reminding us of the importance of condoms and ensuring I was on birth control.

While I realize that this system isn’t something that would work for all teenagers, I do think that I’m a better and more sexually healthy person because I was able to experiment with sex in my own home, with my long-term boyfriend, and not be made to feel shameful about it.

When I read this article, it made sense to me. I’m sure it’s not a shock that I’m a pretty firm believer that abstinence-only education is bullsh*t; knowledge is power, and sexual knowledge is no exception. Having it ingrained in teens that sex is a normal, natural thing will lead them to make sexual choices that they’re proud of, instead of having sex without a condom (because condoms don’t work anyways, right?) and then feeling terrible about it.

I’m all about healthy sex positivity, wherever it comes from. Do you think that North American families should maybe take a page out of Holland’s handbook and give this sexual-liberation-for-teens thing a try?

I remember when the Gardasil phenomenon first started.  Commercials for the vaccine were played on MTV approximately every three seconds, and within weeks, everyone I knew was rushing to the gynecologist for their three doses.  And why wouldn’t they? The commercials and doctors promised that the vaccine would prevent cervical cancer and who wouldn’t deal with the momentary pain of a shot when it comes with a promise like that?

For the few of you who haven’t had your doctor insist you get it (if there are even any of you out there), Gardasil is the vaccine that promises to help prevent certain kinds of HPV, including the two types of the virus that are often the cause of cervical cancer.  Because there are no real symptoms of HPV, it has become an epidemic and doctors have urged patients to protect themselves with this revolutionary injection.

But while the vaccine can do amazing things, it has also devastated thousands of lives.

I know so many people, from my best friend to my 9-year-old cousin, who have gotten the Gardasil vaccine and have had nothing but positive results. My own parents have been on my case about getting vaccinated since they day I got accepted to college.  They even scheduled my appointment, but the night before a friend cautioned me against taking the injection. Upon doing some research, I discovered that there have been over seventy Gardasil related deaths, and more and more reports are surfacing about the devastating affects of this drug.

Just take the story of seventeen-year-old Kahlia who spent a month in the hospital after experiencing strange and scary symptoms, including numbness in her body and severe swelling in her limbs that turned her leg purple and left her unable to walk. Doctors performed every test imaginable on Kahlia and couldn’t determine a cause.  To this day, no one can come up with a solid cause for her symptoms but doctors have linked them to the Gardasil vaccine which she received just days before her ordeal began.

And Kahlia isn’t alone. There are many other girls, known as “Gardasil Girls,” who have had their lives turned upside down upon receiving the vaccine. The most common symptoms include chronic nausea and vomiting, fainting, and seizures, but there are many more severe side effects as well. Sure, these things are all listed in the fine print, but when you’ve got a doctor urging you to get the vaccine, how often do any of us really look at that?

It seems like we are so concerned about the consequences of sexual activity that we fail to recognize the ways we may be comprising our health by trying to prevent things like STDs, viruses, and unwanted pregnancy.  It happened to CollegeCandy writer Caitlin; she got a life threatening blood clot from birth control. She had heard that blood clots were possible on the pill, but she (and most of us) was made to believe that it was a non-issue when her doctor handed her a prescription for the pill. Even the seemingly innocuous “morning after pill” has some pretty serious side effects, like changes in menstrual cycle and severe pain.

It’s stories like these that make me think that we all need to do more research before we subject ourselves to these potential dangers.

I won’t tell you to avoid any of these things at all cost, but I will urge you to really dig around before you choose a course of action regarding any vaccines, pills, or medical treatments.  ALWAYS read the fine print, make sure you aren’t allergic to any ingredients, and consult with a doctor first.  If it isn’t the right choice for you, it could literally ruin your life.

Click here for more information on the harmful affects of Gardasil.

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Guy: “I have a goldfish.”
Girl: “….. What?”
Guy: “I thought we were talking about things that don’t matter.”

There’s nothing that says I’m a creeper more than a terrible pick-up line comparing your eyes to the Pacific ocean (or the Gulf of Mexico, eeks). Maybe the only way to fix this creeper catastrophe is to take the bull by the horns…. and hope it doesn’t blow up in your face.

Unfortunately, though, sometimes a creeper manages to slide under your radar and you actually end up dating for a few months. Long enough that you are at a gift-exchanging stage. You spend weeks looking for a perfect gift, scouting out tickets on StubHub, hoping all of your hard work will be rewarded with THE blue box. Nope. Instead you get a Build-a-Bear (hello junior high) or something equally as inappropriate.

Or worse, this happens.

Yeah. If all this isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t pick up dudes at the bar, I don’t know what is.

Q: I am 23-years-old and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I got the Gardasil shot last year and my paps have been fine until I got my last Gardasil shot. The doctor told me my pap was abnormal a couple months after my 3rd shot. Was the shot what caused the adnormal pap? The other doctor took a look and did not find anything so she did not do a biospy.

I went back 8 months later and she found a small wart and removed it. I do not know what to do or how to feel? Should I worry now that I have HPV? Should I stop having sex? My boyfriend has not had any problem and I heard that they can not be tested anyway. What can I do to prevent getting warts? Sorry to ask, but we have been having oral sex as well does that mean we both have it in our mouth? I just do not understand what I did wrong. I have been on birth control as well. PLEASE HELP… I only been having sex with one person for 6 years but I feel so helpless.

A: I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with an abnormal Pap smear and HPV. But believe me- you’re not alone. Up to 80% of us will contract HPV at some point in our life, and HPV vaccination isn’t perfect. Gardasil only guards against the four most common strains of HPV, but there are many more.

No, the vaccine didn’t give you HPV or cause your abnormal Pap smear. It doesn’t work that way. It may simply have been given too late.  You may have contracted HPV before you received the full series of vaccinations and the virus is just wreaking havoc now. There’s no way to know whether you already had HPV or whether you just caught it, but it’s a strain the vaccine doesn’t cover.

As for how you feel, feel whatever it is you genuinely feel. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re one of many who deals with this every day. But I certainly understand if you feel embarrassed, ashamed, betrayed, or bummed out.  Contracting a sexually transmitted infection has a way of making you feel about two inches tall. (I know. I caught HPV too. It can happen to anyone.)

Should you stop having sex? That’s a personal decision. It’s entirely possible that your boyfriend gave you the HPV in the first place since you’ve only had sex with one person. When I was diagnosed with an abnormal Pap smear for the first time and told the guy who is now my husband, he said, “That’s so weird! All of my girlfriends have had abnormal Pap smear.” Duh, dude. It’s you! So your guy probably already has it and most likely gave it to you.

You certainly should tell him about your diagnosis. And condoms can help protect you from transmitting it if you wind up in future relationships. But even condoms aren’t perfect, since infectious vulvar skin can still touch exposed scrotal or perineal skin, putting you at risk. To some degree, you just have to do the best you can and surrender the rest to the Universe.

Can it cause oral warts? Yes. Very rarely, HPV can cause warts on the larynx, but these are extremely uncommon.

Remember, you did nothing wrong, sweetie. You got the vaccination, have been careful to select a partner, and care enough to ask these questions. You should be proud of yourself for being so aware, so conscientious, and so health-conscious. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I understand that you feel helpless, but I know you’re going to be okay.

Find out more about HPV here.

Wishing you peace and health,
Dr. Lissa

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, like our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like post-sex soreness – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I found out that I have HPV. So, having sex with my boyfriend, does that mean he has HPV too? And if either of us perform oral sex – can the warts then be transferred to our mouths? Will this lead to cancer? On the paper I got back from the doctor it said to come back in 12 months for another pap smear; will it get worse by then? I’m nervous.

A: HPV can be a sneaky bastard. Unlike sexually transmitted infections like gonorrhea and chlamydia, HPV can hang around, unexpressed and asymptomatic, then suddenly rear its ugly head with little warning. Chances are that your partner also has HPV. In fact, chances are good that your boyfriend gave it to you. But it’s possible you could have contracted it from a prior partner and that he doesn’t have it. No way to know for certain, so the best strategy is to behave as if he doesn’t have it, just to protect him.

It’s unclear to me whether you have warts already or whether your HPV just came up on a pap smear. If it’s just a pap smear, chances are good that you carry the type of HPV that causes abnormal paps and cervical cancer, but not genital warts. The good news about this for your partner is that these strains of HPV tend to cause nothing in guys (which is why guys are passing it around like candy. They don’t even know they have it).

If you do have warts, you’ll want to be a bit more careful.  While condoms can help reduce the chance of transmitting warts, they can’t protect you completely. Because the condom only covers the shaft of the penis, it leaves vulnerable scrotal skin in contact with potentially infections coochie skin, so it’s important for him to realize that he may still wind up with warts.

As for oral sex, yes, laryngeal warts (warts in the larynx) have been reported. But they’re very rare. HPV tends to prefer the genitals and the anal area, so oral sex is relatively safe. If you want to be uber careful, you can use a dental dam to protect your boyfriend when he’s going down on you, and if you’re worried, have him wear a condom. (I know, it’s not sexy, but it is safe).

If your doc told you to wait a year to repeat your pap smear, I would wait a year. While abnormalities on paps can get worse, they change very slowly, and as long as you don’t miss a pap, you should be fine. Most of all, though, don’t worry. HPV is more of a nuisance than a life-threatening disease, as long as you listen to what your doctor recommends. I know it can be scary and embarrassing, but I commend you for trying to get the information straight. Take a deep breath. Now, let go of any anger, frustration, or shame you feel around this. And let it go. Stressing about HPV only makes it worse. You’ll be fine, sweetie.

For more about HPV, visit my website Owning Pink

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the getting over your fear of sex– so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I recently started hooking up with a boy who has, well, gotten around. I asked him if he’d been tested recently and he said he did (and he was “all good!”), but I don’t know if I trust him. Maybe he’s just saying that to get in my pants? I obviously plan on using a condom when I sleep with him, but are there any things I can look for before I go down that path?  Any visible signs I should pay attention to so I know if he’s telling me the truth or not?

A: Honey, if you can’t trust the guy, do you really want to sleep with him? I mean- yeah, there are some things you can do to check him out, but it’s not necessarily enough to protect you.  Make sure you care enough about this guy that, if you do get a sexually transmitted infection, it’s not the end of your world. Because the truth is- even if he got tested for “everything,” you may still be at risk.

Why? Because condoms don’t protect you against all STI’s, and testing doesn’t always test for everything. Most testing will not reveal whether a guy carries HPV, and often, it will not represent whether he might be infectious for herpes.

So what’s a girl to do? Here are a few tips:

1. Ask your partner to be honest about whether he has really been tested. Explain that you value the health of both of you, and that if he cares about you, he needs to demonstrate this. Ask for a copy of his test results if you can’t trust him but want to sleep with him anyway. Offer him a copy of yours first. Then inspect him.
2. Look for cauliflowery warts on and around his penis.
3. Inspect the tip of the penis for funky discharge (anything greenish or yellowish) that may represent gonorrhea or chlamydia. (Wetness in this region should always be clear).
4. Hunt for reddish ulcerations that might represent genital herpes.
5. Check for little round bumps that can represent molluscum contagiosum.
6. Take a gander at his pubic hair to make sure there are no pubic lice or little white eggs.

Remember, a clean inspection doesn’t mean you’re good to go. Most sexually transmitted infections have absolutely no signs on a clinical exam. Which is why it all comes down to trust. At the end of the day, do you really want to hook up with someone you can’t believe?

Hope that helps!

- Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

I’ve also heard girls talk about how peeing after sex could prevent STDs and pregnancy. I’m less than convinced, but could there be some truth in it? Does urine have some secret healing powers? I decided to investigate the idea of peeing after to sex to see if it really does anything…or if we’re all missing out on quality cuddles for nothing.

Most research finds that peeing after sex may reduce the possibility of contracting a Urinary Tract Infection. Peeing after sex can prevent UTIs because “it can help remove unwanted organisms from the urethra, which may reduce the risk of urethral infections.” While it’s not a guarantee, what do I really have to lose by running to the bathroom naked to clean out my urethra? I’m not a fan of any unwanted organisms in my lady-parts, so if peeing after sex will flush them out, I’m game.

So if pee can rid me of that evil bacteria, can it do the same for sperm?

No. Peeing after sex does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. I repeat: it does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. Sexetc.com explains: “The semen and penis go into the vagina and the urine comes out the urethra, which is a different opening. So, while urinating after sex might empty the bladder, it has no effect on where the sperm are inside the vagina.” It seems obvious because it is. Anyone who tells you differently is just trying to sneak by without using a condom.

For STD and pregnancy protection, condoms are ALWAYS you’re best bet. Std411.com says: “STDs cannot be flushed or washed away, so peeing and washing will not prevent a bacterial or viral STD and nor will they cause a STD to go away.”

Let’s be honest, people; if pee pee could prevent STDs, wouldn’t people have figured that out a long time ago?

So let’s break it all down:
Peeing to prevent UTIs = truth.
Peeing to prevent you from being a mom with an STD = big, fat false.

If you’re going to have sex and you want it to be the safest/cleanest/baby free-est it can be, use a condom, pee when you’re done, wash those hands, then hop back under the covers for a much-needed and much-coveted snuggle sesh.