Hef’s new twins sure love their self-tanner

…And his third girlfriend is still in college!

Britney can’t drive

“Kids”, listen to Diddy!

Courtney Cox loves her forehead too much

Hermione checks out Hahhhvahhrd

Sting loves this chick — I am jealous

Angie got a “Mommy Tuck“?

LaBeouf and ‘douche’ don’t exactly rhyme, but…

Who cares about this chick?

Alien baby or not, she sure is cute.

Movies so bad they’re…real?

Admit it, you want a Theremin!

Let’s just hope none of these couples break up before the end of the day.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens

Say it with me, “Awwwww.” She’s pretty; he may be prettier. Will they last? Does it matter? Zanessa or Zacquesha and their seemingly sweet relationship are hot enough for the photogs to care what they’re doing now — even if you find Zac and his hetero meter a little…uh…questionable.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden

The ever stylish one and the rocker – I completely wrote these two off from the moment they announced their relationship, but I eat my words. Especially after seeing the cuteness of their baby, Harlow. Their hotness naturally stems from the fact that they are a rockstar Hollywood couple, but also because their relationship allowed Richie to get herself healthy again (remember those emaciated pictures of her not so long ago?) and I love, love, love them together for that. I hope that they last a long, long time.

Posh and Becks

The fashion-y Spice Girl and the beautiful Footballer. A decade and three kids later, they are still going strong despite rumors of his infidelity and plenty of media scrutiny. I’d like to strap Posh down and feed her, but even her emaciated frame can’t keep me from being totally in love with this couple. Especially after their 2007 W Magazine photo shoot. Hot damn.

Sting and Trudie Styler

I know, I know – he’s pretty old. But these two have lasted a long time and God, don’t you want to do all sorts of yoga with Sting? You know it’s true no matter what he says; he just doesn’t want to drive me insane from such a distance. I can’t believe how hot he is at 57. It doesn’t matter who he has on his arm; he is just that hot.

(Note: Sorry – this turned into ‘Melissa is revealing all sorts of crazy to us in thinking that old man Sting is hot’, but whatever; I still think their longevity is pretty hot too.)

Brad and Angelina

I can’t make this list without including Brangelina because there’s some unwritten gossip law that says that we must worship them and their do-gooding philanthropist child rearing ways. Personally, I don’t like ‘em and won’t use their vomitable moniker but they DO make gorgeous babies.

Do you think I missed anyone? More importantly, do you think that I’m totally crazy for all of my Sting love?

Here are some sex tapes I’d like to see:

Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood

Oh wait, they’ve already made one and called it a music video. On second thought, I’m okay with never watching that again.

Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson.

Even though I have a feeling that I’d just be waiting for Owen Darling (bless his heart) to burst out into tears or for Kate Hudson to snap in half. On second thought, maybe I’ll skip this one too.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith

Aren’t you a little curious? They seem so wholesome, but I just get the impression that Jada can handle a whip better than Indiana Jones.

Sting and Trudie Styler.

I know he’s getting old, but don’t you kinda want him to show the work, so to speak, with all that tantric stuff he’s been talking up?

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni.

Mostly because I’d like to see what Dave is packing. Age and bad career moves just can’t dampen my dirty lusty love for this man.

James McAvoy and…Me.

Shot in soft light, of course, maybe reenacting that scene from Atonement. Really, though, I’d do it in the back of a Ford Taurus in a Costco parking lot in the middle of the day if that’s what he wanted.

Maybe, you’ve just got a giant heart and enjoy Valentine’s Day even though you’re single.

Maybe you’re one of those permanent happy people who confuse me.

In any case, this holiday does not fill you with dread. It does not fill you with sadness or the constant need to subdue your emotions with sugar.

It’s a nice day. A pretty day. A teddy bear holding a chocolate heart kind of day (…too much?).

It’s the day for this type of mix.

My Funny Valentine – Chet Baker

I Want it That Way – The Backstreet Boys

How Do I Know? – Whitney Houston

I Would Die 4 U – Prince

Roxanne – The Police

Everything I Do – Bryan Adams*

Gotta Have You – The Weepies

Diamonds on the Inside – Ben Harper

A Case of You – Joni Mitchell

Ready – Cat Stevens

Unchained Melody – Elvis

Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band

Faithfully – Journey

Your Song – Elton John

All I Want is You – U2

The Luckiest – Ben Folds Five

Fields of Gold — Sting

(*FYI: this is my favorite song to scream to myself in a car on rainy night. I mean, I’m not embarassed. It’s pure cheesy magic.)

Got any other suggestions to set this Valentine’s Day on fire? Help us add to the mixtape!!

Walking to school, iPod. Sitting on the subway, iPod. Waiting for class to start, iPod. Grocery shopping, iPod. I never went anywhere without music.

There’s lots of reasons I chose music over realty, strange men telling me I should be their girlfriend at 8:30 AM certainly being one of them, but the easiest answer is that I didn’t really think there was much the world could offer me while I was alone. Walking by yourself can be a semi-lonely activity, especially if you’ve got a long way to go and don’t see many friendly faces on your way there.

So, I was plugged in. Walking quickly and keeping my face blank (looking too friendly in the city is sometimes an open invitation for crazy people to ask you to pet their plastic snake), I spent my days forging ahead and allowing The Police to soundtrack my life.

Until I overheard a conversation that changed everything.

Having forgotten my headphones that morning, I was walking to school without musical aid. It was the first time in a long while I had ventured out without programmable audio, and I was trying to figure out how to function, when I accidentally eavesdropped on two men walking ahead of me.

“See, there goes another one! Another beautiful girl with her goddamn headphones on!” The guy in front of me hit his friend in frustration. “How am I ever supposed to start conversations with pretty strangers if they block their ears all the time?!”

“I’ve noticed that,” the second, less angry and animated man agreed. “These chicks got their headphones on all the time now. They don’t even look up on the subway anymore.”

“That’s why I haven’t bought an iPod yet. Because I crave random social interaction. Well, that and because Apple is a giant conglomerate that’s poised to steal this Nation’s soul.”

As the duo turned the corner, I waited for the Walk sign to give me the go-ahead and thought about what I had just heard. Before the first guy had dived into schizophrenia, he had been making sense sense. How do you start a conversation with someone who’s already occupied?

I walked up Second Avenue and realized I was one of those girls who turned her Kelly Clarkson up and stared at the ground while she rode the subway. How many conversations with cute boys had I inadvertently avoided? How many sweet faces had I accidentally ignored?

I began to forget my headphones on purpose. I began to ride the subway sans iPod or book, and walked the streets of New York with my eyes and ears open (happily, that weird guy with the plastic snake had moved on to avenues elsewhere). Soon, I was hearing intriguing conversations, noticing people in a way I had never noticed before, and stumbling across more good-looking guys than I had ever thought existed.

The schizophrenic Hipster had been right. The world is a whole lot more interesting when you leave your iPod at home.

These days, I rarely listen to anything while walking, and whip out the trusty Apple soul-stealer during long trips only. It’s gotten to the point where having music in my ears feels constricting.

And yes, I’ve had some conversations with cute strangers. I’ve also had some conversations with insane and annoying strangers—but you know, it’s all part of the experience.

…I mean, how many times in a person’s life do they get to listen to an old woman explain how the zucchinis in Whole Foods “whisper through their skin” to help her pick out lottery numbers? My guess is only once.