I can say with 100% certainty that the people behind KFC’s new Double Down – bacon and cheese smashed between two pieces of fried chicken – smoke a lot of pot. And I can say with 1,000% certainty the the people who will order this do the same.

Those after-school specials were right: weed is dangerous.

"Dude, I have a 4.0 at Cannabis College"

If you’re like me, chances are you glanced at your calendar today and then did a double take, thinking, “It’s been December for a whole week? How the hell did that happen?” For every student, the pressure is on: finals are fast approaching, and we’ve all got about a million pages to read and two million more to write before we can reach the holy grail of winter break.

All that stress is enough to make a girl want to scream. But if you went to Med Grow Cannabis College, chances are that right about now, you’d be feeling a lot more mellow.

Yes, that’s right: Med Grow Cannabis College. As this article helpfully explains, at MGCC, “marijuana is the curriculum: the history, the horticulture and the legal how-to’s of Michigan’s new medical marijuana program.”

See, the Wolverines’ home state recently legalized medicinal pot, and now 24-year-old Nick Tennant has started a thriving business that teaches wannabe Nancy Botwins how to plant and nurture their very own strain of Mary Jane. Class time can also include a crash course in baking with weed (recipes include “crockpot cannabutter, chocolate canna-ganache and greenies (the cannabis alternative to brownies)”).

Okay, so MGCC isn’t really a school—it’s a six-week program that costs $485 to complete rather than a two- or four-year-long process that ends in a BA. But can you imagine what it would be like if Cannabis College was an actual institute of—if you’ll pardon the pun—higher learning?

Classes at CC might include “Watching Spongebob Squarepants 101,” “How Different Things Feel When You Touch Them,” and “Philosophy”—hey, some things don’t change. Their sports teams, the Fightin’ Stoners, would be supported by an adorable mascot called Jasper the Jumping Joint. The dining hall would stock nothing but Cheetos and those little powdered sugar donuts. Seth Rogen would be the graduation speaker at every single commencement. Instead of finals, CC would just end the semester with a big party that culminated in the entire student body hotboxing the library.

It all sounds kind of magical, at least until I start thinking about what CC attendees might be qualified to do after they graduate. None of the potential careers that come to mind—working at a Taco Bell drive-thru window, operating the bumper cars at a local amusement park, being a philosophy professor—sound particularly appealing to me.

I think that pot is a little bit like creative writing: something that’s fine to do recreationally, but not something you probably want to major in. So Michiganders, feel free to enroll in Cannabis College; I think I’ll stick with good, old-fashioned stress.

As Slate’s Daniel Engber reports, a 2007 survey reveals that about 6 percent of Americans between 50 and 59 reported smoking pot in the past year. That means that more baby boomers than ever before are lighting up—and it’s fairly likely that our parents are among them.

Worried? I know I am. Sure, my mom and dad were teenagers in the ‘60s and ‘70s, when pot was as prevalent as ridiculous hairstyles, but it’s weird to think that they ever smoked in the first place—let alone that they might be doing it this very moment. And because I’m at school, I can’t keep tabs on them to make sure that our house is a toke-free zone.

But if any of the following things happen, I’ll know for sure that Mom and Dad are celebrating 4/20 a few months early. Without further ado: 6 Signs That Your Parents Might Be Stoners.

- When your mom and dad come to visit during Parent’s Weekend, all they want to do is sit around and watch Planet Earth in your dorm room.

- For Thanksgiving dinner this year, your mom gives nothing but one giant bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to every guest.

- Dad announces that he and Mom are taking a trip to Jamaica in early February to celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday.

- They start subscribing to Showtime just so that they can get Weeds on demand.

- Your mom sends you a care package with a Tupperware container filled with brownies and a note warning you only to eat one at a time.

- It’s impossible to have a phone conversation with your dad—not because he keeps nagging you, but because he starts giggling hysterically every time you speak.

Any other signs we should look out for?

We seriously curbed our smoking habits after a pretty serious waffle binge a few years back, but we let loose – munchies and all – once a year. And that day is comin’.

We’ve already started stocking up the CollegeCandy fridge with all of our favorites: Cheez-its, tater tots, Boboli, Double Stuf Oreos, peanut butter M&Ms, etc… Now all we need is some good ole’ hashish; good thing they deliver that sort of thing in NY.

People seem to be pretty particular about their munchies. Some like it salty and others like it sweet. Some like a little crunch, while others prefer things that don’t require chewing. We are very intrigued by this (probably because we are high right now), so this week we asked the CollegeCandy writers what they prefer to chow down on after hitting the bong/bowl/brownie.

What do you crave?

Laura – St. Johns: Anything with peanut butter… Mmm.

Brithny – Duke: POCKY!!! Although I was born on Pocky Day, so I’m a little biased :]

Sarabeth – University of Texas: Don’t judge, but it’s Frito chips with a little cream cheese. nom nom

Thu – USC: Hot brownie + ice cream = HEAVEN

Kari – FSU: 3-d Doritos….sadly they don’t make them anymore.

Kathryn S.: Chips and salsa all the way, baby!

S.E. – Fordham: My favorite munchie would definitely be chicken rolls at the local pizza place by campus. Every time I’m drunk/high I crave one of them.

Caitlin – University of Alabama: Chinese food and brownies mmm

Kiki – University of Missouri: I eat disturbingly large quantities of Special K Red Berries cereal straight from the box, no milk necessary.

Sara C – Fordham: Haagen Das chocolate sorbet. I convince myself that it’s healthier because it’s sorbet. Or, anything with peanut butter!

Donnette – Manhattanville College: Cheetos, Cheez-its, trail mix, Reese’s (in all forms). Pretty much anything with dried fruits, peanuts, cheez, and/or chocolate.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: Applesauce – no lie.  The texture just does it for me!

Lauren – University of Michigan: Um. Anything? Seriously, if I can get my mouth on it, I want it. (Wait…that came out wrong.)

Charlsie – Hollins: Anything sweet. I am obsessed with candy as a meal option; I usually eat it for lunch.

Leah – Ryerson: Cheetos, cupcakes and nachos… just not at the same time.

Ashley Elizabeth – CU Boulder: Graham crackers and peanut butter M&Ms

Cristina – Michigan State: My favorite munchies would have to be…actual Munchies. Doritos, Cheetos, Sun chips, Pretzels. Heaveennnnnn.

Erica – Kent State: I love those little cheese cubes.  Or hint-of-lime tortilla chips with mango (or peach) salsa. Mmm!

Carly – Grinnell: Mmmmm. This coffee shop near my house makes these amazing cookie bars called “wilderness bars.” They have raisins, nuts, sesame seeds, chocolate chips… ahhh, they’re so good.

K – GWU: If still cognizant of my health, blueberries or green apples are so tart and good, but is anything better than being stoned with a bowl of cereal? Chocolate Special K and Lucky Charms come to mind

Liza M – Minnesota: Cheesy breadsticks WITH blue cheese. OMG.

Kelly – Simmons University: French bread and gouda cheese

Jess T – Columbia University: Chewy candy (Laffy Taffy, sour belts, Now & Later, etc.). Great, now I’m hungry.

April 20^th, 2009.
A day for “relaxing,” eating, and…hooking up?

Surprisingly, stoned sex is one of the things on many girls’4/20 to-“do” lists that they just haven’t gotten around to. Before you jump right in this Monday, however, I thought I would do a little research and analysis for ya. Here’s what I would imagine, and what I have learned, could go wrong during some blazed boo-tay.

Cotton mouth kisses – Now this is one thing many girls have had the displeasure of experiencing. Unless you plan ahead and strategically place a 32 oz. Nalgene of water next to your bed, you may be in for a sticky situation. Think about it – kissing doesn’t really work that well without the spit.

Distractions – I don’t know about you, but anything can catch my attention and keep it for some time, even when I’m sober. Last weekend, for instance, my friend told me that she didn’t move her eyes off the TV when Titanic was on – while she was making out with her boyfriend. Throw a little hashish into the mix, and what is happening south of the border is the last thing on your mind. First thing:  the cookie dough in the refrigerator.

Awkward maneuvers – Think of all of the awkward things you’ve done during random hook-ups. Now add all of them together and multiply by 2,000, and viola! you have stoned sex. Obviously the degree of awkwardness depends on how comfortable you are with the person and where the hook-up takes place. His bedroom? Ok. The middle of a movie theatre parking lot after seeing Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D? Not so much.

Food attraction – Sometimes eating is just more pleasurable than sex. The other night, for example, my friend Jade sacrificed her hook-up for a Cadbury Cream Egg. You may not admit it now, but I know all of you would have done the exact same thing.

“Just laying there” – Admit it – you know you can be prettyyy lazy after smoking a bowl or two. If somebody asks you if you want to hook up, you’d probably say something along the lines of “I’m down like a clown, Charlie Brown.” But if somebody tells you to get on top, you’d probably just roll over and grunt like a wild boar. Of course you’d let the guy still go for it, but you know he can’t expect anything more from you than inaudible, barely-sexy murmurs.

Now, according to some, stoned sex can have its benefits. I’m in no way condoning sex while under the influence of illicit drugs, but here are what the experts have to say about the subject. Also, if you have some extra time, I encourage you to check out Chapter 13 of the book “On Being Stoned” by Charles T. Tart, Ph.D. He actually took the time to conduct legit studies about the effects of stoned sex. It’s amazing – who knew somebody could actually have that much free time?

- 9% to 31% of Stoned Sex-ers reported feeling “…much closer mental contact with my partner; it is much more a union of souls as well as bodies.” Apparently, this occurs most frequently among college-educated users. Wassupppp.
- 6% to 28% say that “Sexual orgasms [have] new qualities, pleasurable qualities, when stoned.” According to the article, it often takes “a strong level of intoxication” to reach this effect. Probably the first and only book I’ll ever read that tells me to smoke more weed.
- Other various experiences include such statements as “…face of another…will change even as I watch it”; “surfaces rougher…graininess forms interesting patterns…”, and, in the authors words: “One woman can become another woman, many women, all women. Woman.”

What I wanna know is 1) what part of the human body would be rough and grainy during sex and 2) who laced your pot with peyote?

“Historically there have only been two deaths worldwide attributed to cannabis, whereas alcohol and tobacco together are responsible for an estimated 150,000 deaths per annum in the UK alone.”

In fact, the only thing that makes pot a dangerous drug stems (haha, stems) from the fact that it isn’t legal: the crime that surrounds it, all that crazy sh*t people are lacing it with these days, etc. By making pot legal, people would be able to regulate it and keep it safe.

Not to mention stimulate the economy and create more jobs: people to grow it, people to sell it, people to regulate it, people to supply all the stoned kids with enough Cheez Its and Twinkies to get through the day…

Seriously, marijuana could keep this country from a depression! (And if it doesn’t, it could make the depression more bearable…or hilarious!)

Down with that dangerous alcohol!

Bring on the cannabis!