The Golden Globes are coming, which means the hottest of the hottest will be strutting their bad selves down the Red Carpet to talk to Ryan Seacrest and look damn fine doin’ it. And I’ll be sitting there, laptop in hand, taking notes – the kind I should be taking in class – on what everyone is wearing.

Honestly, award show red carpets are my heaven. I tune in just to see what everyone’s wearing, then tune out before the actual award show even starts. I just get so inspired by what I see on my favorite celebs and can’t wait to get a little bit of that beauty for myself. Before I know it, I’m sitting in my salon as my hair stylist is cutting me a fresh set of bangs.

And then reality sets in and I realize that red carpet styles rarely survive in real life settings. Yep, there is a reason a red carpet is not rolled out for me on my way to my Communication Studies class.

Bangs:

Red Carpet: They are cute, chic, and, like a magical power, turn every celebrity into an edgy and sassy beauty queen. Sure, the last time I had bangs was in my 3rd grade school picture (when my mom splurged to get me the laser background!), but they’re back and fabulous, so how can I resist?

Real Life: OK, bangs look great for a few hours on a red carpet, but not so much after a shower or a date with the treadmill. You have pretty much 3 minutes post-shower to get those little guys in place before you’ve got yourself a one-way-ticket to Wavy Town. And forget about rockin’ the fringe at the club.  A little perspiration and – boom – you look like that weird kid who never showered that sat in the back of your classroom sniffing White-out in high school. Soon you’re scouring the aisles at Target for cute clips and headbands to get those things out of your face.

Rompers

Red Carpet: They look so sporty and stylish on those young celebs with their perfect legs and sky-high heels.  And they are so versatile! The young and fabulous work them on the red carpet, the beach, and grocery shopping.  There’s nothing I like more than mixing it up.

Real Life: Have you ever tried wearing a romper to the bathroom? It’s like a bad party you didn’t want to be invited to. Do you mean I really have to take next to the entire outfit off to take a leak? And it’s not much better in the outside world, either. A one-piece shorts ensemble is not cute when your thighs rub together and start pushing those puppies up to your happy place. No thank you.

Strapless

Red Carpet: The strapless gown is a Hollywood classic. Celebs look elegant, sexy and chic walking the carpet in a sweetheart neckline, which also happens to be the perfect canvass for that blinging diamond jewelry.

Real Life: Yeah, everyone looks stunning in strapless…. but its hard to feel that way when you spend half your night tugging at the top to avoid a serious wardrobe malfunction. Then you pull it too high so you yank at the bottom. Then it starts to fall and you grab at the top. Then the bottom. Then the top. Then you start feeling the pinch of that awful strapless bra you’ve got on underneath. It’s not pretty. At all.

Super High Heels

Red Carpet: The red carpet dresses may be gorge, but it’s the shoes that always make the outfit. The taller the better when it comes to the carpet; there is just something so much more fabulous about a woman in a tall pair of heels. I drool over the red bottoms, how long and lean they make everyone’s legs look, the embellishments on the front…. Sigh. I could just do a little dance.

Real Life: But don’t try doing the little dance while actually wearing them. These things are lethal for walking purposes, and your feet haven’t hurt this bad since the day your mom strapped them in a pair of jelly shoes that were far too tight. Seriously, I bet those Hollywood A-Listers kick those $1000 bastards off their feet as soon as they hit their seats…then subconsciously pray they don’t win so they don’t have to put them back on.

Thigh High Boots

Red Carpet: Who doesn’t love how hot Kim Kardashian looks in a pair of over-the-knee boots? She’s like a sexy, real life Cat Woman. Meow.

Real Life: Obviously, Cat Woman didn’t need to worry about pairing those hot leather boots with jeans. Us real ladies can barely shove our jeans into those things without getting all bunchy and gross,  and if you finally succeed, they are always a slouchy disappointment.

Everyone wants a little Hollywood glamor in their own lives, but maybe it’s time we all take what we see on the red carpet with a grain of salt. Or find ourselves a way to afford a team of stylists to keep everything in place and designer goods made just for our bodies.

So Adriana Lima and her VS 2008 Fantasy bra are pretty damn spectacular, but what’s a normal girl to do when in need of a little lift’n’seperation (minus 1500 carats’ worth of MAJOR chafing)?

There’s no need to shell out that 5 mill, girlfriend (because you were totally considering it and all); some of the best bras within your reach will do just as great of a job supporting your own gems, and you won’t need to take out an insurance policy on them.

Strapless:

Felina’s Bra of the Year Strapless.

This super smooth bra has silicone strips on the sides, so no more slippage. Gone are the days of surreptitiously wiggling your shoulders to try to get your wilting undergarment back up to where it belongs. The convertible straps work with halter, racer-back, criss cross and one shoulder tops. The back closes with three degrees of varying tightness and is three hook-and-eyes tall, which is great for more support on bigger cup sizes. Best of all, the cups plunge all the way down to kiss in the middle, so your safe no matter how low your neckline will go.

Under sweater/ T-Shirts

OnGossamer’s Every Day Pretty Contour Bra.

Not only is it so pretty you won’t want to put your sweater on in the first place, it’s perfectly smooth underneath it. Lightly lined cups just enhance your natural shape, without pushing you out or up. The fuller cup shape prevents any spillage, so you avoid embarrassing double-boob no matter what your size.

Sexy Sexy Sexy

Frederick’s of Hollywood’s Chic Satin Bra

You can’t beat Frederick’s when it comes to over the top sexy lingerie. This baby has all a girlie-girl lingerie fetishista’s heart could desire: bows, lace, ruffles and the perfect pop of playful color.

Simone Perele’s Marquises Bra

For a more classically sultry look, this black lace number is the pinnacle of classic glamour. Black lace demi-cups scream femme fatale and the floral detail is feminine and sexy.

Every day comfort

Victoria’s Secret’s BioLift

Not only does it come in every color imaginable, the BioFit is by far the most comfortable bra I own. The material is super smooth, and the bra lives up to its promise of feeling custom made. Each cup size has a different level of padding that will enhance your shape (not make you look ridiculous or squeezed into your shirt). They’re super comfortable and perfect to wear every. single. day.

For Larger Cup Sizes

Chantelle’s Rive gauche Push-Up Bra

So there’s all this hoopla about how sexy huge boobs are. First of all, I have huge boobs and the first word that comes to mind when describing them is notsexy (it actually is a blend of a few choice expletives). Second of all, when a gal wants to show off said sexy boobs to her man, the women at typical lingerie stores are perplexed as to why they should carry any 36-D sized bras in any style other than geriatric. Enter Chantelle’s Rive Gauche Push-Up. It’s full coverage (!) so even the well-endowed can have a pretty, pretty push-up bra. With fuller cups and a higher cut, it won’t look like your boobs are eating your bra, and the gorgeous lace detail is anything but Grandma.

Victoria’s Secret’s BeautySecrets Bust Firming Bra

Leave it to Victoria’s Secret to engineer a bra that can alter the consistency of your body part. While you might worry about looking like an Olly girl (as if you didn’t draw enough suspicion of plastic surgery without rock hard ta ta’s), trust me this bra is a god send. While normal bras are perfectly fine for jiggle control on sizes A-C, if you’re a D or up, a simple walk down the stairs can make any male passerby’s day. Not if VS has anything to say about it though; the Beauty Secret has twinned straps for added support in addition to full cups so that your cups won’t runneth over. The best part? It promises that after 4 weeks of daily wear, your rack will be tighter, firmer and higher even when you’re not wearing it.

If you Have a Smaller Chest

Victoria’s Secret ‘s Very Sexy Miracle Bra.

No matter what your cup size, this bra will give you maximum cleavage. It’s padded with Victoria’s Secret Level five padding –the highest they make. Add this to the capacity to make the detachable straps a halter, and the Infinity Edge that won’t show lines in the tightest tops, and you won’t pay for a drink all night.

Jezebel’s CoCo Demi Bra

Take advantage of your girlish figure to go all out on pretty pink lingerie. The delicate shape is perfect for displaying what yo mama gave you (however generous she was). Cute bows and adorable heart charms complete the coquettish charm and the demi cups give a fuller appearance. Any boy who gets to check this out will be counting his blessings while he’s checking yours out.

From the first time that I saw you, I knew I had to have you. It was a cold afternoon in winter when my roommate came in from a shopping trip downtown and announced that she had found a new favorite dress. She went into her bedroom, and emerged shortly thereafter wearing beautiful, classic you. I remember how lovely you looked, so artfully simple with your long cylindrical shape and your sexy little ruched detailing, drawing attention to the tatas. I remember us discussing your versatility, how you so easily went from below the knee to just under the ladyparts with just a bit of bunching. I remember admiring the way you wrapped yourself around my roommate’s body so tightly in your spandexy embrace. It was amour at first sight.

Months went by, but I still didn’t make my move. Then, last weekend, the weather became warm and balmy and my roommates and I decided to have some friends over for a barbecue. Instantly I had a vision of you and I, lounging together in the sun, enjoying a margarita. I knew it was time.

The day of the barbecue, I went on a mission to find you. You turned up on 3rd Avenue, hiding shyly in the back corner on the wall. With trembling hands, I reached up and plucked you from the rail. I marveled at your simplicity, your lightness. Together, we entered the dressing room, and after a brief congress, proceeded to the checkout line.

Since that day, we’ve been inseparable. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I just want to put you on. You’re so easy to wear and comfortable, and yet, so outrageously sexy. Every time we go out together, strangers on the street stop to tell us how good we look. And no matter what I pair you with – heels, a belt, sneakers, a pearl necklace, silver fringe earrings, a hoodie – you always roll with it. Glorious isn’t a strong enough word to describe your perfection.

American Apparel Cotton Spandex Jersey Strapless Ruched Dress, I just wanted to tell you you’re unlike any other dress I’ve ever had, and you’re worth every penny of the $36 plus tax I spent on you. I will eat salads every day for the rest of my life and hand-wash you in cold water because I want to be with you forever and ever until the end of time.

With love from the bottom of my heart,

Lyndsey

P.S. Ladies, buy this frickin’ dress.