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Apparently this idea isn’t going over too well at Ohio State, whose Buckeye logo we won’t see slapped on the ass of any Victoria Secret product any time soon. It probably wouldn’t have been such a big had not the company been based in the same city that houses OSU, or if OSU rival Michigan wouldn’t get the Vicky Secret treatment.

So why is Ohio State going to be deprived of that rarest and proudest of honors? Well, because the CEO of Limited Brands, Leslie Wexner (who is a guy) is on the board of Trustees at OSU and feared a conflict of interest. In fact, last Spring OSU president E. Gordon Gee, (whose initials, I have to point out, spell EGG) stepped down from the board at Limited Brands for similar conflict of interest issues.

It all sort of sounds dirty and incestuous to me, made more so by the fact that some old dude is the head of Victoria Secret. In my mind, Victoria looked a lot like Dynasty-era Joan Collins.

Anyway, it is a sad day for all the Victoria Secret shoppers who go to OSU. Instead of buying over-priced underthings proudly bearing the logo of their school, they will have to buy over-priced underthings that have no logo at all. And all the money that they spend on said over priced underthings will go straight into the pocket of Wexner, the very man responsible for their misfortune. It’s a vicious cycle asking for some hard hitting investigative journalism.

But perhaps the Buckeyes should be counting their lucky stars. They could be like 52-year old Macrida Patterson, who injured herself while putting on a Victoria Secret low-rise v-string thong. Apparently there was a design flaw that caused a metallic piece of the underwear to fly up and hit Patterson in the eye, causing her permanent corneal damage.

This story inspires any number of humorous or horrifying scenarios, but here are the ones I’m most struck with, no pun intended.

1. A 52 year old wearing a low rise thong. I’m 23 and you would not catch me dead in a thong.

2. The way you would have to position your body to hit yourself in the eye while putting on underwear

3. The fact that Patterson will not allow defense attorneys to examine the offending thong.

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Had I known then that I could have been sued for such a disagreement, I probably would have thrown independent thought out the window and nodded my head in agreement like the rest of the class.

Thankfully, my teacher just excused herself to cry alone in the bathroom, unlike one Dartmouth lecturer who took it to a much more serious level: by seeking legal counsel.

I actually got my degree in education, so I can say from experience that teaching is a very difficult and thankless profession. You spend 16-18 hours a day either with the students, preparing for the students, or grading their crappy work. Then you come into the classroom where they are disrespectful and often times annoying. It is a job that drives you to drink countless glasses of wine and wonder why you ever wanted to do it in the first place. (Note: It is also incredibly rewarding!)

But, that is all part of the job and something you surely expect getting into a profession that deals with ungrateful children. (Don’t hate; you know you made your teachers’ lives hell back in the day.) Surely this woman cannot be naïve enough to think that Dartmouth kids would be any different?

They are at one of the country’s most esteemed institutions! Those children have been taught their whole lives to challenge ideas, read between the lines and analyze everything. Is this woman – who was a Dartmouth grad herself – so insecure that she can’t handle a little criticism? Is she that immature that not only is she going to tattle on the bullies, but she is also going to sue them?

Someone was mean to you? Fine, go home and cry into the soft, luxurious fur of your three cats. Throw back a few beers and dance to really loud music. Take a walk outside to regain some composure and come up with a plan for the following day.

But stick a lawyer on the students?

You have got to be kidding.

It’s obvious that this Professor has some self esteem issues to deal with, so maybe she should cancel the attorneys and find a few therapists instead. Because if she thinks people were disrespecting her before, she is definitely not ready for what is coming now.