Everyone remembers the tragic case of Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers student who killed himself in October 2010. He jumped from the George Washington bridge after his roommate, Dharun Ravi, set up a webcam to spy on Clementi while he was having a sexual encounter with another man. Ravi then sent links and text messages to friends, encouraging them to tune into the live stream from his webcam.

Today, Ravi was found guilty in his trial. He has now been convicted of hate crimes and tampering with evidence and witnesses. The jury ruled that Clementi had reason to believe that he had been targeted because he was gay, making Ravi guilty of bias intimidation, which is a hate crime. Ravi was found guilty of tampering with evidence and witnesses after attempting to hide and delete messages he had sent to friends regarding Clementi. Before the trial began, there was debate about whether or not Ravi should have been charged with a hate crime.

The judge has set a sentencing date of May 21. Ravi’s lawyers have six weeks to appeal the decision, if they choose to do so. He may face deportation to India.

What do you think of the verdict? What punishment is appropriate for Ravi?

Hey Dude,

I’ve been dating a guy for about a year now, he is 27 years old and I’m 24. We haven’t had any arguments because we’ve generally been very open and honest with each other. We’ve done the whole meet the family and discussion of the future talks… However, my problem is that recently he hasn’t been speaking to me (it’s been almost a month!).

It started with us having plans for New Years Eve, but when those fell through he decided to hang out with his friend rather than make new plans (he didn’t even invite me). I was upset over this that night (night before NYE) and he decided he needed some time away instead of discussing the issue. I thought giving him some space would be a good idea because originally we were only seeing each other on weekends (for about 3 months).

When a week had past and I had not heard from him, I grew worried. I found out that I could not contact him – he would ignore my texts, calls and emails. When I called him on a private number, he hung up on me. This went on for about two weeks on odd days before I decided to wait for him to contact me. He ended up saying that he felt that he could not offer me anything and that he ‘didn’t know me’.

The last message he sent was about picking up his things from my apartment – I didn’t even know if we’ve broken up! When I ask him about it, he ignores my messages.

I know he has a history of severe depression, including many suicide attempts. We’ve broken up once previously which lasted a week, but he was admitted into the hospital. He has been seeing a psychologist, yet refuses to take any of their advice. He’s said he loved me and I love him. I don’t want to give up on this relationship, but I don’t know what to do.

Thank you so much in advance,

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I can’t thank you enough for writing in. It sounds like your boy’s in real trouble and he’s not accepting the help he’s being offered, from you or his therapist, at least. This is the most difficult place to be put in and one of the most dangerous.

A lot of people suffer from depression. Some are as severe as his, and some have been so depressed they’ve hurt themselves and tried to go a step further.

What’s happening to him is nothing you can control. Your love isn’t going to be his cure. Your affection isn’t going to be what heals his pain. The person who can most help him is himself and that’s if he believes he can be helped, which it sounds like he’s battling with.

There are people who don’t want to be saved. And until they can do, you can only weather the storm, love them, be there for them however you can, but you have to be careful that you don’t get dragged so far down the rabbit hole that you can’t climb back.

It’s terribly easier than people admit to fall into someone else’s abyss. We feel like we can’t abandon the ones we care about. We especially can’t when we think that if we do, they’ll possibly use that as their scapegoat to make an attempt to leave this world. But even if they do, you’re not to blame. How he treats himself is a psycho-emotional and potentially chemical issue.

You have to figure out where the line is for yourself: Where’s the point where YOU need a break? Where’s the point where you have to re-accept that what you’re involved with isn’t something you can fix, and you can’t let guilt or love or a combination trap you in something that could lead you to irreparable harm. I’m not suggesting he’ll get violent with you, I’m concerned that you’ll blame yourself for one or more of his attempts, or at a certain point, a “successful” attempt (one of the oddest phrases in the English language, I sh*t you not).

Some people don’t want to be here and we can’t always figure out why. Some people are in constant pain and don’t believe they deserve to or don’t have the strength, at least for a time, to try to heal. That doesn’t make them less deserving of love. What it doesn’t do is make you feel like you’ve got a lot of choice in the situation, or control. But you DO have choices.

You can assert with him what kind of treatment you do and don’t deserve from him. You can decide you need a break from him and use the time to focus on yourself rather than on his all-consuming issues. There’s a point you mustn’t let yourself reach and it sounds like you’re approaching it.

His pain doesn’t take anything away from the fact that you have needs, you deserve to be treated with respect and with affection. If he’s unwilling and incapable you may need to take some space. We always want to think that there’s some combination we can find to unlock the disease and heal them, but it’s not about US healing THEM in the first place. And sometimes, you have to respect someone’s wishes and continue to leave them be to fight with their “demons” as they chose to fight them.

Stay safe. Keep a hard eye on your own needs and how they are met and how they are not being met. Right now, it doesn’t sound like he’s capable even remotely of meeting you anywhere near halfway. Is that something you deserve? Is that something you can accept? Is that something you should accept? These are questions you’ll ask yourself day in and out. And they’re questions you’ll have to keep asking yourself as long as you’re with him. You don’t give up on people, but you shouldn’t give into them either.

There’s only so much you can take and only so much you should take. You have to decide where that tipping point is and if you reach it, you may have to make the bravest decision of your life: to let him go or to sacrifice yourself, perhaps nobly and perhaps pointlessly.

You’re strong enough to do what you need to do for you.

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

The United States of America is kind of divided on the whole homosexuality issue.

A new study produced by the University of Chicago surveyed public opinion across the country to find out which regions are more accepting to gay people. The country averages show that overall opinion is fractionated. While 44% of people surveyed said that homosexuality is “always wrong,” a close 41% said it’s “not wrong at all.” The opinions of the unaccounted for 15% weren’t made available, though Jezebel speculates that it could be those who are okay with acts of homosexuality if the two individuals are hot (*cough*most guys when girls make out*cough*)

Having an outside (Canadian) perspective the results aren’t all that surprising. The worst tolerance was found in the South Central states, with a whopping 73.7% of adults saying it’s always wrong in Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi and Tennessee. This is followed closely by 68.1% of people in the Western South Central Regions.

The most accepting regions start with New England (27% saying it’s always wrong), which is not surprising since Massachusetts legalized same sex marriage in 2004. The region with the second lowest intolerance rate is the Pacific (37.5%), which counts Alaska, California, Hawaii and Oregon.

There are so many factors in how people choose which side of the fence they sit on when it comes to homosexuality. Some people will cite biblical passages to condone certain sexual orientations, while I know people who will say that under the New Testament people should simply “love all of God’s creations.”

But whatever the reasons you believe what you do, one thing that has been on the rise (in the media, at least) is the number of LGBTQ-indentifying young adults, which is something you should think about before you open your mouth to make a derogatory comment.

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, so let’s be a little less snarky or critical of our classmates and start setting a good example for our younger sibs. Okay?

So what was Bravo supposed to do? They could either cancel the show altogether and lose millions of dollars or air the show editing out all the footage surrounding the Armstrong family. Either way, Russell’s mom has something to say about it.

John Ann Hotchkiss simply thinks it’s too soon, and doesn’t want Bravo to “murder her son twice.” In other words, she “hopes Bravo will take the high road” and just cancel the season altogether.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Mrs. Hotchkiss, but when has Bravo ever taken the high road? Remember, this is the station responsible for Millionaire Matchmaker, NYC Prep, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Although it would be in their better judgement to throw all the footage into the trash can, you KNOW they’re going to cash in on Armstrong’s emotional journey and then make it the cornerstone of the season. Heck, they’ve already signed on with the National Suicide Prevention hotline to air PSA’s during the entire season.

As much as I’d like Bravo to pull a Jersey Shore Season 1 (where they edited out the footage of Snooki getting punched in the face, and replaced it with anti-violence PSAs), I just think this is too much of a real drama for them to ignore and pretend never happened.

Anyone who watched The Ellen Degeneres Show today got a huge shock: Perez Hilton publicly announced that he will no longer be bullying celebs. Perez, who is arguably the world’s most well known citizen journalist, is as famous for his out-and-proud sexuality as he is for his snarky criticism of public figures. It makes sense that the one thing that would strike a nerve with Perez is the recent suicides of teens who were harassed for their sexuality, but is Perez taking things too far by cutting out all criticism?

Isn’t it possible to poke fun without crossing the line?

Of course, cyber-bullying is always wrong, and never something to be taken lightly, but Perez could simply make more harmless comments. Poking fun at someone’s wardrobe choice is okay, but attacking his or her personal struggles is not. After all, who would Perez Hilton be without his trademark witty blog posts and inappropriate graffiti art?

I agree that when Perez tries to out closeted celebs, it’s blatantly wrong. But most of his comments are of the more innocuous variety. His blog reflects a trend in new media: finding a clever, humorous way to impart news to the masses.

So I say, bring on the biting comments about Ashlee Simpsons’ new hair and Mel Gibson’s atrocious behavior (hey, you deserve it, M. Gibs.) Just leave the serious stuff alone, and we’ll continue to hit refresh on your blog every thirty seconds.

As far as people go, I am rather intolerant.  I am intolerant of people who do not clean the coffee maker after they use it.  I am intolerant of couples that walk too slowly together on the sidewalk and therefore block all of the people behind them.  Mismatched outfits and too much eye makeup make my blood boil. And don’t even get me started on people who don’t know how to parallel park.

However, I’ve always felt that I exemplify a very accepting society when it comes to the bigger issues. Things like racial inequality or sex discrimination. I’m all about equal rights for everyone, regardless of race or gender. In fact, when my professor made me argue for school segregation and against gay marriage last week as a class exercise, I started laughing because I literally had nothing to say.

Why wouldn’t we want everybody to be happy?
Doesn’t everyone feel this way?
Doesn’t the law basically say just live and let live?

Yeah, apparently not. The events of the past couple of weeks have informed me that I am completely wrong about the world and the people living in it. Turns out, my tolerance isn’t the rule, it’s the exception. And minority groups, especially the gay population, have to put up with way more than I realized.

As a University of Michigan student, my local news is recently headlined with the story of Chris Armstrong, our student body president who is being harassed by Andrew Shirvell.  An Assistant Attorney General for the state of Michigan, Shirvell has gone out of his way to harass Armstrong online, accusing him of using his presidency to advocate a “radical homosexual agenda.”  Shirvell has not only shown up at student government meetings to criticize Armstrong, but also seeks him out at home.  While Shirvell claims he has freedom of speech to say whatever he wants, as someone who has actually studied Supreme Court cases, I was always under the impression that government officials were the ones trying to limit hate speech despite the First Amendment preserving its existence.  Wrong again.

And then I heard about Tyler Clementi jumping off of the George Washington Bridge forty minutes from where I live.

In an effort to not turn this into a rant about cruel people or bad judgment, I’ll just sum it up again.  Clementi’s roommate had a WebCam in their dorm room that taped Clementi having sex with another man.  His roommate took this footage and streamed it to the Internet.  A couple of days later, Clementi jumped off the bridge.  Coincidence?  Highly doubt it.

Though the Civil War ended in 1865, it took about a hundred years for real laws to come in place giving African-Americans their rights.  And in the middle of all of this, there was still persecution and murder and violence.  I can no longer speak for what the rest of the world thinks, but I do not think it is appropriate for a group of oppressed people to have to wait one hundred years before they can stop worrying about being bullied on a daily basis.

While America may allow everyone to have his or her own belief, this freedom does not entitle us to be cruel.  As a society, we see stories every day about our neighbors going out of their way to make others’ lives a little more difficult. For what? What’s the point? If Shirvell or Clementi’s roommate are experiencing higher quality lives after what’s gone on during the past two weeks, then someone please alert me.

So just stop.  Stop being difficult just for the sake of being difficult.  Stop ruining other people’s lives just because you can. I don’t think that being a little more accepting really ever hurt anyone.

It started out as a harmless prank that became an invasion of privacy and deadly, anti-gay harassment. Tyler Clementi, an eighteen year-old Rutgers freshman, asked his roommate, Dharun Ravi, for some privacy in the room they shared. Ravi complied by killing time with Molly Wei down the hall, where they used her computer to log onto Skype and access his own webcam back in his and Clementi’s room. Whether by accident or on purpose, they allegedly caught Clementi and another male in what authorities called a “sexual encounter.”

And what did Ravi do with that information? The same thing all students living and connecting in the 21st century do when we’ve got something to share (be it a great new product or annoying things our roommates say): he Tweeted. The video he captured was also streamed live online, and Ravi and Wei repeated the ritual to try and catch Tyler in the act again a few nights later. The video spread fast, as the most scandalous often do, and the public revelation of Clementi’s secret sexual orientation ultimately drove him to jump off the George Washington bridge.

This story is disturbing on two very serious levels. First, Tyler Clementi is the third male within a month that has taken his own life as a result of anti-gay harassment. It is a sad reminder that although the 21st century has brought its share of liberation for the gay community, there are still a number of battles left in this war against homophobia (including the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell debate). A war which clearly has tragic consequences.

Second, Clementi is an innocent victim of cyber bullying, a form of harassment that includes everything from direct and intentional pestering online to being blasted on someone else’s Facebook wall. We all know the positive points of social networking very well: the ease of staying in touch, the ability to video chat with friends in other countries without pay, and spread good news to everyone you care about with a single 140-character update. But technology has also made it way too easy to give anyone a hard time, encouraged and accessible behind the falsely secure mask of a computer screen. And now that everyone – including professors, parents and potential employers – is active in the online community, every click has its consequences.

For Tyler, it was an untimely death.
For his bullies, it is four counts of invasion of privacy (one in particular carries a maximum sentence of five years), and, for Ravi, $25,000 bail.

Today – whether you knew him or not, whether you’re wearing black or not – let Tyler’s tragic ending be a reminder to us all of the importance of human decency and the frightening power of the Internet.

Remember that horrible feeling you would get when you saw your name, terrified to read the comments but also unable to resist it? Remember how happy you were when those years were over and slam books were behind you?

Well, they’re back, they’re online and they’re worse than ever.
And you can create one for yourself?

Welcome to Formspring.com.

Formspring.com was originally made as a website where people could post anonymous questions on a person’s page for them to answer. I’m not sure of the exact reason for creating this site website, or why people would use it, but I’d like to think that it started with innocent intentions; a way for people to find out more about you without having to flat-out ask. However, like most things on the Internet, the site quickly morphed into something else.

Formspring in its current form has become a place where people can talk some major sh*t, and do some completely anonymously. Apparently, once you set up a page on there, you can comment on just about anything without ever having to list who you are. Postings range from actual questions (i.e. the original intentions) to vicious and evil comments (“You’re so fat,” “No one likes you,” “Why are you and your friends so ugly?”). Yeah, it’s bad.

Surprisingly to me, though, thousands of people use this site on a regular basis, even linking to it from their various AIM/Facebook/Twitter messages. And I just don’t get it; they’re basically just begging for people to say horrible and hurtful things about them.

Why!?

Why would people willingly sign up for a site on which they will inevitably receive comments that they don’t want to hear and that will probably make them miserable?  Why would they actively sign up for a service that allows people to say hurtful things about them in the comfortable anonymity the site provides?  Students nationwide were up in arms when Juicy Campus was created, arguing that it was gossip and slander, but now they are out there setting up a similar platform for themselves?!

Recently, a young high school girl in Long Island committed suicide, and friends and family say that the comments on her Formspring were partly to blame for her death. Now, of course, I’m not saying that her Formspring alone made her end her life, because there are many factors that push a person to that point, but  this is a very real example of how hurtful Formspring can be for someone. And for what? What is the point of allowing people to anonymously comment on you and your life? Why do you care what someone has to say unless they can man up and say it to your face?

I’m not saying that everyone’s Formspring is full of bad comments and questions, but plenty of them are, and it’s completely unnecessary. Maybe it’s just me, but I just can’t really see the positive side of this site.

What do you guys think? Do you use Formspring? Would you?

Question for Tuffski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and perhaps get an answerino.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
My best friend got engaged on Valentine’s Day. I want to be excited for her big moment, but I can’t help but feel like she’s making a gigantic mistake. She’s only known him since November (he was a mutual friend of the guy she was sleeping with at the time) and has a long history of rushing into relationships with really sketchy guys. Every relationship she gets into, she seems to fall head-over-heels for the guy and turns a blind eye to all of his problems until after he breaks up with her, at which point she realizes what a jerk he was for cheating/abusing her/lying/etc.

Her fiance has never abused or cheated on her, but a couple of months ago they had a pregnancy scare and he threatened to kill himself. I don’t think either of them are mature enough to get married, and if they do, I think it will end in divorce. They plan to get married in Summer 2013 after she gets her bachelor’s degree, so there’s time for her to realize it won’t work on her own, but I don’t think she will. Should I raise the issue with her? I love her and just want her to be happy, but she’s so ecstatic about the engagement and the guy that I’m afraid speaking up could end our friendship.

–Friendo

Dear Friendo,

Wow, that IS fast.

Okay, well, all is not lost here, Friendo. Tuffy agrees with you–this sounds like a phenomenally bad idea. However, 2013 is a long way off. All signs point to maybe, possibly okay.

Here’s what you do. Take her out for dinner (you pay). Have a nice time, girls’ night kind of deal, whatever, and then say you need to talk about something serious. Tell her that you’re really, really happy for her and really excited about her wedding, but you love her and you just want to voice your concerns now before things get any farther along.

Don’t mention her horrible ex-boyfriends. Don’t tell her you think she’s too immature. Don’t mention the fiance threatening to kill himself.

Just tell her that you think it’s fast. Say that you want to make sure she really gets to know him in a meaningful way before she decides to spend the rest of her life with him. Tell her that you believe they love each other (even if you don’t), but that it really is just impossible to know someone well enough to make an informed decision about marriage after just a few months. Ask her not to break up with him or end the engagement, but just to try to get to know him much, much better before 2013 and to be open-minded and see him for who he is and not for who she wants him to be.

Of course, inevitably, she will think you’re jealous. But that’s a small price to pay if it gets her thinking about this decision.

Say all of this once and then never again. After you’ve said your piece, let her make her own decisions.

Good luck to your friend–may she not marry an asshoop.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

That’s where College Candy comes in. We’re not going to debate whether or not the Theory of Relativity actually exists (a disappointment, I know, but I’m a communications major and stopped taking science classes after Baby Bio fresh year). However, we are here to thoroughly investigate the most widespread college knowledge (no, not rhyming)—the myth.

So we’ve all heard this particularly morbid myth (no, not any of the ones from Urban Legends—although Brenda was a bad-ass scary killer) about one surefire, if not tragic, way to snag a 4.0. The general myth goes a little something like this: If your roommate dies, you automatically achieve a 4.0 average for the semester.

There are a ton of variations to this myth; if you weren’t in the room at the time of death, you only get a 3.5 (sorry, not traumatized enough!). Or if you have more than one roommate, you’re not all going to get the golden 4.0 (they don’t want to run out of perfect GPA’s, I guess?). And, of course—you can’t kill your roomie for the express purposes of getting a 4.0 (killing her for ruining the suede clutch you lent her, now that’s another story).

As it turns out, however, there is (surprise!) no such rule on any campus in the United States of A. You may have heard it repeatedly since you were a freshman, you might have a lab partner who will swear on a stack of Bibles that it happened to his 2^nd cousin at Ole Miss, hell your parents might even still believe this myth, but it is one million percent fictional.

First of all, as Snopes points out when it lists the different variations of the rumor, there are way too many provisions that would need to be established to ensure that all 4.0’s were given to the bereaved fairly (unfairly?). What if you were home, but they died in the living room? What if you were out of town at the actual time of death, but you found the body? What if you were out shacking and came home to crime scene tape across your door?

Then of course, administration would have to deal with helicopter parents who wanted to ensure that their children received the GPA they “earned” (via their roommate’s death). who’d do anything to get a Harvard Law-worthy GPA.

The bottom line is, this myth is completely and undeniably false. If you really don’t believe me (I know, that lab partner was pretty effing convincing) read through your entire student handbook and find this policy. Chances are you’ll read only about the grief counseling and other services offered to traumatized students (those services aren’t going to be of the “Here’s straight A’s” variety). If I’m wrong, I will come to your school and go streaking across the quad. But if I’m right (and I am) you’ll have to come to Tallahassee and do the same. Trust.