When it comes to sex, we are wayyyy too picky. Compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, humans have the most criteria for choosing a mate by far. Think about it – our selection process goes much further than “Wow, you’ve got some pretty colorful tail feathers there. Wanna screw?”

What is it that makes us consider so many characteristics of one person before deciding to have any sort of sexual relations with them? And why do those characteristics even matter? Now I ain’t no scientist, but I thought I’d give it my best shot and try to decipher this most peculiar of selection processes.

The Looks: First and foremost, you want your “mate” to be attractive. That one’s a given – nobody wants to hook up with somebody they find repulsive (unless alcohol is impairing their judgment, of course). Even animals look for companions that have characteristics they want to pass on to their young. But in a day in age where most of us don’t want to think about, let alone have, our own babies, why should looks even matter? Bragging rights, perhaps?

The Intelligence: Although this isn’t a make-or-break-er, I would imagine that most of us would rather not spend time conversing with someone with the intelligence of a pick axe. However, for the most part, one’s IQ cannot be inherited by offspring. In the animal kingdom, however, dim-witted animals eventually get weeded out by natural processes (ie. running towards, not away from, a pack of hyenas). Do we factor in intelligence as our own form of “natural selection,” or are we just hoping that intelligence will someday equal money?

The Car (among other things): Even if you think your love don’t cost a thang, you can’t deny the perks of having a wealthy beau. The scientific world may justify this as the desire to be with somebody who can “take care” of us. Instead of looking for mates that can beat up the entire jungle in our defense, however, we now look for people that can help us survive in our present environment. Well that, plus the fact that you look pretty H-O-T-T in a Mercedez.

The Personality: Now here’s the one I just don’t get. Most claim personality as the most important factor in picking a significant other, but there really is no evolutionary purpose behind this. Since most male species tend to bone, pop out a few babies, and peace out, we really are unique in this criterion. Maybe it’s the fact that we don’t want to spend long periods of time with people that drive us insane? Or is it just our own native instinct that tells us to wait for the one we love? Let me know what you think!

Well, apparently life hasn’t stopped piling on the sh*t, because last night I was dumped by my LDR. Cool, huh? That’s what I said.

But f*ck it, it’s the weekend! I say forget the life dump and decide to dump your life in favor of a f*cking good time!

So here, I provide you with my Break-Up Survival Kit, so you can get back on your feet and back into the bar!

1)Chamomile Tea Bags- Soak them in some cold water, squeeze them out and place them over your puffy eyes. Do this a few times and your eyes are guaranteed not to look as swollen as they were last night. Plus, the smell is rather soothing as well! Double duty.

2)Your Possee- You need your support system. So call until they pick up and then wail and wail and wail. They will understand that you need them. Then tell them that tomorrow they must drag you out to a bar for a girls night. You might even score a few free drinks! Love the ladies!

4)Your drug of choice- If you feel it coming (like I did, I have great intution) get a little drunk first. Yes, it will make you more emotional and probably more irrational but who the hell isn’t both of things when you’re getting broken up with anyways.

But don’t buy in mass quantities. Go small—like beers or airplane bottles—because you probably won’t want to stop drinking. But you must! I then like to end the night with a few sleeping pills just to round off the whole sh*tty experience. At least you won’t be tossing and turning!

5)Lots of DVD’s of your favorite dramatic TV Show- You’re going to sob a few more times anyways so go ahead and watch a sappy movie or TV show (not a love story though,…stay away from The Notebook) Let those tears flow! Get that sh*t out!

And then when you get around to thinking about the failed relationship, your eyes will be all dried up and you can (maybe? possibly?) be rational about the whole thing.

6)Make plans—lots of plans—for the next week. Fill that calendar up with fun things you like to do. I have a Monday night Girl’s night with my friend MK, plans to go to yoga this week, get my desk out of storage and set my room up (since I have lived here since July). I’m taking, well forcing myself, to recognize the me time I haven’t been making. And now is the time to do it.

So get drunk, have fun, go out with the girls! Download Breakin’ Up by Rilo Kiley because it’s a great, upbeat breakup song!

Appreciate the relationship for what it was and don’t wallow in what could have been, start looking at what will be… You, happy and healthy.