Watch out, grams. That game could kill you!

Swine flu is ruining everything. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t kiss without thinking I’m going to contract the disease of the pigs. And now, apparently, I can’t play beer pong.

Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (yeah, I’ve never heard of that place either) have reported 21 cases of swine flu that they have cleverly traced back to a game of beer pong. One single game! But is anyone really surprised? What can’t you contract from a game of beer pong?

The first time I swore off beer pong was during an outbreak of mono at my school. I thought I was being proactive about warding off the disease. That is until I came back from Spring Break in Cancun and was immediately rushed to the hospital with an extreme case of mono paired with dehydration and probably a little bit of alcohol poisoning. So, much for that.

Next, it was oral herpes. If you play beer pong, you will get oral herpes, and DIE. Fantastic. I spent half the party staring at people’s mouths and strategically placing myself a team ahead of the dude with the suspicious lip sore. I was like the Nancy Drew of STDs. No one likes that girl.

Swine flu, mono and a multitude of STDs later, I’m beginning to wonder if my love of the game is worth it.  If you’re going to contract the kissing disease, it might as well be the result of a great makeout session, not a game of beer pong. Especially if you lose.

Am I right or am I right?

And I guess I could say the same for STDs, but I’d rather just avoid them altogether, thank you.

I think the world is trying to tell me something: Beer pong is the game of the devil. To be honest, I’m not even that good. Flip cup is more my thang. I think I will be respectfully declining any pong tournament invitations from here on out and stick to my favorite drinking game: pouring myself some vodka…and drinking it.

Here are ten tips students should heed when battling the Swine Flu.

10.  Let’s take a look on the bright side. Swine flu is giving you a reason to avoid those all-nighters in the library. The best way to stay healthy is to get a good night’s sleep. Exhaustion will weaken your immune system. So if you happen to opt for sleep instead of a problem set, never fear. When you’re teacher asks where your homework is, just say the swine flu ate it.

9. Wash your hands frequently. I never leave the house without a bottle of Purell, and these days I’m getting stingy with sharing it. Hygiene is key. If you can’t take the flu, stay out of the pig’s pen.

8.  If you feel sick, stay home! You’re not going to impress the hottie in your Bio class if you come into Lab looking like death warmed over. You’ll be labeled the Swine-Spreader and there goes your good reputation.  Next thing you know, you’ll be have to eat your lunch with the Mono-Makeout Slut.

7. Speaking of makeout sluts… Now’s a good time to get your urge to kiss under wraps. Kissing may be like a handshake for you, but you’re going to be exchanging more than a hello with this swap of spit. The Swine Flu is sneaky and it’s looking to sow its wild oats. It will wait for you to put your beer goggles on and then it’ll plant a wet and germy one right on your lips. Beware.

6. Contain your cough, for your mother’s sake! This should be obvious. The basic rules of etiquette have preached the hand-over-cough move for years, but now we’ve got to take it seriously. Make your mama proud and swine flu-free!

5. While Mexico may be a popular spring break destination, perhaps you may want to rethink that trip to the Oasis Cancun this year. Mexico + Spring Break debauchery = breeding ground for Swine Flu. Even I can do that math.

4. Got an iPhone? Download the Swine Flu Tracker, created by IntuApps, and successfully avoid areas with high threat levels.  Yes, there’s even an app for that.

3. Retire from beer pong. Winning the game with an around-the-back bounce shot deserves a trophy, not the flu. But that’s what you’ll get when you’re drinking from the same solo cup as 15 people before you. Even if you can’t resist Beirut’s siren call, at least play with water cups and drink from your own beer can. This way you can maintain your frat-star skills and stay healthy at the same time.

2. If things around you are getting dire, and your peers are dropping like…. swine, you might think about investing in this flu-season’s latest fashion. The decorative face mask. Get em’ while they’re hot!

1. Eat an apple a day. Just in case.