Type 1:“The Talented Celebrity.”  Think models who have shown up on the cover of Italian Vogue, actors like Brad Pitt who have starred in everything from comedy to drama, and music moguls who come out with one hit after another (think Madonna).

Type 2: “The Train Wreck- Once Famous, Now in Rehab.”  These are people like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, who are no doubt talented, but can’t keep themselves away from the bars and the drugs long enough to earn coveted longevity in Hollywood.

Type 3: “Why the Hell are They Famous?” The people who People Magazine, US Weekly, and Perez Hilton constantly cover, we all read about, and none of us are exactly sure what this person has done to deserve press coverage (think Anna Nicole Smith).  Below is a list of the ten best examples of these non-celebrities – the ones that take over our headlines, but haven’t done much to merit this press coverage.  And if anyone can tell me why we actually care what these people are up to…well, be my guest.

1. Kim Kardashian- While she is no doubt stunning, her fame stems from the fact that her rich father served as OJ Simpson’s lawyer during his criminal trial…and then she had sex with Ray J.  Her lone film, Disaster Flick, came out in 2008, and was rated the second worst film ever created at the Internet Movie Database. Sure, she’s been on Dancing With the Stars and her own reality show since then, but I must ask: why was this one ever on our radar!?

2. Heidi and Spencer Pratt- While The Hills enjoys high ratings, two young adults arguing for a 30-minute episode about their relationship, their parents, and how they should get married is not enough to give anyone celebrity status.  If America wants to watch two people argue, then MTV should come to my house and film my mom begging me to do dumb chores.  Being rich and argumentative is not enough to warrant fame.

3. Octomom – Her birth of octuplets this past year caused a national scandal when people became concerned about child neglect and proper monetary support (and the fact that she looks like Angelina…). Getting six embryos implanted in you when you already have six kids definitely does not make you a celebrity…slightly crazy, but not a celebrity.

4. Nicole Richie – Best known for her stint on The Simple Life with fellow socialite Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie’s presence in celebrity tabloids is mostly in candid photos of her and daughter Harlow, or musician husband Joel Madden of Good Charlotte.  She has yet to sing or act in anything of true merit other than being herself on a reality show and is truly a celebrity’s wife, not a celebrity herself.

5. Tila Tequila -  Tila got famous for having a lot of friends on MySpace. Don’t get me wrong, popularity is cool, but since when do we celebrate the trashy people who actually use MySpace?

6. Kevin Federline – Known mostly for his disastrous short-lived marriage to Britney Spears, Federline’s attempts to make it in “the industry” resulted in his 2006 record being one of the worst-received in music history and making him appear as an Eminem wannabe.  His short stint on One Tree Hill as an aggressive musician did little to advance his acting career, and his appearances on wrestling programming did even less to advance his image.  So, while Britney Spears seems to have come out of her funk with hits like “Circus” and “Womanizer,” Federline is now famous for changing diapers and babysitting Sean and Jayden.

7. Paris Hilton – Just another blonde socialite who formed a fashion line and had one hit song (“Stars are Blind”).  Being born rich does not make you a celebrity.  Becoming rich due to talent does.

8. Melissa Rycroft – Seriously, I’ve been dumped by plenty of guys. Where is my offer to be on the cover of a magazine?

9. Whitney Port – Starring in her very own spin-off of The Hills, Whitney Port was nicknamed “the new Carrie Bradshaw.”  Um. No. Freaking. Way. And if being on a reality show weren’t bad enough, spinning off the show that gave fame to squabbling California teenagers merits even less respect in my mind. She is no Carrie. Don’t even joke.

10. Suri Cruise - This girl gets more covers than paid actors. Just because she was born.  Why do we as consumers care what a two–year-old is wearing?

The show begins with a montage of sexy photos all over the house, Dina explains how nothing is more important to her than family (except for press/publicity) as she breaks up a typical sibling playfight between Aliana (Ali) 14, and Dakota (Cody) 11, showcasing how normal they are.

In the kitchen, Dina and her assistant Alexis lament the difficulties of being placed on hold to get out of Jury duty (obviously Dina has other incredibly important things to do). They immediately dive into a harrowing tabloid scanning sesh. Dina explains how sad it is that every morning the poor thing has to go through every single tabloid to see if she’s in it (oh yeah…or any of her kids/clients). Cody, who I am completely in love with, interrupts as the voice of reason, wondering why his Mommadukes has to read the tabloids. She can’t explain. I can’t either, Cody.

We are then introduced to Nana (who I’m also OBSESSED with.) She tells us how even “the Nana’s are not exempt” from the paparazzi. This makes me hate them even more, especially when I learn that they also upset Nana Lohan’s dogs. That’s just effed up.

Finally, Dina starts to talk about the supposed star of the show, Ali. Perez and I both agree that Ali is merely wallpaper. Ali has a record record with the Maloof mega-entrepreneurs of Palms fame. Cody thinks it’s great that Ali is following her dreams, but he doesn’t want to deal with the paparazzi again. My heart melts for him.

Ali lays in bed with Alexis, talking about how excited she is for her second (really?) album. She explains that her label is sending her stuff she’s not really into though (aka: appropriate stuff). She previews some techno-pop sounding tracks that she loves from a producer named Jeremy (clips are shown of a poor man’s Scott Storch). She briefly describes Jeremy as a producer who hounded her mom to listen to his semi-decent tracks for months, but now she loves everything he sends her. Read: she has a HUGE 14 year old crush on this guy.

Then Dina comes home to unpack the groceries (she shops for groceries?), Ali says she doesn’t want to eat what her dogs eat…beef jerky. Anyways, Ali complains about hating all the songs that the label sent her, Dina promises that Mommy will fix everything. Creepy.

Monologue on why Dina thinks that the crazies at Maloof are being rude for telling Ali what 14-year-olds should listen to (not techno, I guess). Ali gets to talk to the mogul with mom on speaker phone and gives them typical teen attitude about why she doesn’t want to sing their songs… songs that she–as an artist– doesn’t listen to or believe in. Dina refuses to jam a bad record down Ali’s throat and turns up the heat on the poor woman trying to explain to her that her daughter is a 14-year-old adolescent, not her 30 year old BFF. (Her negotiation skills here are pretty impressive, she even makes me feel bad about trying to undermine Ali’s “voice”). She then casually brings Jeremy into the equation (NOOOOO!) and tells label lady that she’ll call her back tomorrow after Jeremy has come to Chateau Lohan.

So Jeremy arrives, Dina gives kisses, the birds sing, bells ring, he’s still wearing the Scott Storch glasses. Together, they go over all of Ali’s new tracks and Storch 2.0 makes love to the camera, praying that Kanye West is watching or whatever. Ali comes home and hugs Jer Bear (he keeps his hands very appropriately above her shoulders I note. So far so good). The music listening begins again and Jeremy explains the nuances and classifications of modern hip hop. Ali explains that her and Jeremy (Ali’s horrendous grammar, not mine) get along well because they like the same music.

She attempts to learn the lyrics and sounds really excited about how great her track with Jeremy is gonna be. She feels like she’s known him long enough to really trust him. FORESHADOWING!

Cut to the next morning, Alexis is doing her “morning duties”, which consist of blogrolling, checking Page Six, Perez and the like while accomplishing absolutely nothing worthwhile (that sounds a lot like my morning duties, actually.) She and Dina stumble upon Lindsay’s post-rehab sextape thing. Ali walks in, Dina quickly closes the incredibly inappropriate window so that her child will not be scarred for life. Oh wait, no she doesn’t.

Ali laughs awkwardly then Dina calls Linds to make sure the tape isn’t actually her. Apparently, the tape isn’t real. Dina reams out someone on the phone and tells them to take down the picture or there will be legal action. Smart move, she doesn’t want Cody and Ali exposed tot his garbage (too late.)

Jeremy plays some b-ball with Cody (Stay away from him!) And Cody asks if Jeremy will be joining the fam in Vegas, Jeremy says “Yea, he thinks so” (Of course he does). Cody disses Jeremy (hahaha) and then Uncle Jeremy takes on babysitting duty.

The trio goes rock climbing while Dina is at a boring dinner party. Ali explains that she is trying very hard to be just like big sis, “look like her, dress like her act like her.” Wow. Cody says more adorable things and Jeremy poses sketchily and pretends he’s Jay Z.

The next morning, Dina has Alexis Google her name (because she is the most important Lohan) to see what the tabs have dragged in. SCHOCKER! There’s an article quoting Jeremy on being close to the family, dating Lindsay and all his producing ventures. S#!t hits the fan. Dina thinks she needs to have a heart to heart with him as an adult (I don’t know if she’s the person to do this.) Nana Lohan disapproves and defers comment.

So Jeremy rings the doorbell, Ali ushers him upstairs to grill him. She surprises me with how much maturity she shows while demanding his explanation–he comes off like a lying bastard and you can SEE him sweat when Ali yells at him to stop looking around the room like he’s lying (she’s been reading her Cosmo!) He lamely tries to explain that it’s “press”, but is stunned into silence when Ali gives him a reality check : Lindsay doesn’t know who you are, she doesn’t even know what you looks like. Get it Ali!

The episode and Jeremy’s trial are to be continued, and the rest of the season looks FAMAZING.

My predictions: Nana Lohan writes a tell all book ghost written by Michael Lohan. Ali will follow almost exactly in Ashlee Simpson’s footsteps, but with a brief stint in rehab and an even more public and embarrassing lip syncing scandal. Cody will instantly turn 25 overnight and marry me. Dina will continue to be as fabulous as ever, invent extensions that grow naturally after attached, realize that she simply is not destined to be a mother and land a lead role on Law & Order: Zimbabwe.

Seeing an ex sucks, but when you’re looking hot and life is going well a hot body can be the best revenge. Every girl knows that.

Which is exactly why Jennifer Aniston’s tabloid pictures were causing such a buzz after her Hawaiian vacay. She looked hot in her teensy weensy bikini and for once SHE was all anyone could discuss instead of Brad, Angie and their expanding brood of babies.

Of course, Jen had nothing to say about her hot body pics, but a friend told OK! Magazine,

“She didn’t realize the impact it had until she was back in Los Angeles after the trip. Everywhere she went, everyone she spoke to (told her) what an absolute knockout she is and what great shape she’s in. For a 38-year-old woman who has just come out of a relationship and hasn’t been in front of the cameras in two years — it had her walking on air.”

Not that Jen should have been worried in the first place. Her body, at 38, is more toned than mine may ever be.

But now that her ego has been significantly boosted, lets see if she can work that body in front of the camera, and you know…put out a decent movie.

I don’t know just an idea, although the future doesn’t look promising.